Untitled poem I wrote, please comment Options

[oO_BrItTiShBaBe_...]

I try to tell you I am sorry
But you do not care
I try to tell you that I am different
Not really that way
But you are too busy telling me
What a horrible person I am
You compare me to her
As if that is possible
And continue to tear me down
Then the next minute
You tell me you care for me
So much, it's so real
But then you swear, then you yell
And I feel like I have finally seen hell
You strangle me, you slit my throat
With the words you use, to show how you hate me
I am dying, you are killing me
And I am pretty sure
You don't even care

This is to my ex-boyfriend. The "her" in this poem is my ex-best friend, who was the girl that he cheated on me, with. If that makes sense.

So yeah leave comments please. Thanks.

[sweetxsimplicity]

I think it's good. =)
Maybe you should try rhyming it a bit more, since you rhyme some lines but don't rhyme many of the others.
I think it could be a powerful poem, it's just missing something.
><;;

[fairy_princess]

Wow, i really really like that, partly because i can relate to it totally and partly because of how you've chosen ur words........im impressed

*thumbs up*

[sikdragon]

Not to sound harsh, but try rewriting it a few more times. Well if i really look and mix a little imagination in to the mix and twist it around a bit and kinda cock my head you can sorta see a little poetic notions and inlaid emotions from within.


Ok to tell u, i was being a bit generous. that's just not poetic. Throw in some newer metaphors and make it a bit deeper. You're just skimming the edge. Dig deeper. You've taken the first step and have been able to express your emotions on paper. Now tell us what they are.

In a word, CLICHE.