Bullshit Stories, What's Happened to You? Options

[bat19]

You ever hear someone telling a story that you just know is made-up bullshit? Well now it's your turn. Make up a bullshit story, even if some parts are true. Exaggerate your asses off.

Me and my buddy Alex were riding our bikes to my house from his when we saw this big 18 wheeler dropping off a van in a lot filled with junked cars, some crushed and flattened. It then preceded to back into the van, Im guessing for our amusement and then drove off. So me and Alex take some bricks and smash out the windows, thinking its a junker. Not a minute goes by that the same truck drives up again and matter-of-factly asks us if we broke the windows. We say no and he says "Well guess what you little f**ker, Im calling the cops. So we say f**k you and ride off. Cop comes and this overweight a-hole comes over and asks us some questions. The thing you gotta realize about my buddy alex is that he's f**kin crazy. We used to jump off bridges into water, this f**k would dive head first without even testing how deep the water was. He'd jump onto moving trains, the kids crazy. So while Im talking to the cop, answering some questions, he moves behind him and grabs the cops tazer gun from his belt. He shoots the f**kin cop with his own tazer gun in the arm before he could fully turn around and we both run for it. We get to my house and he's laughing while Im panicking. I punch him in the jaw and we wrestle on the ground for a few minutes before we're both exhausted. We waited a few days and decided we had gotten away with it. This was a few years ago and Ive never done anything since that would possibly warrant a cops attention. Its safe to say I am terrified of all cops now, as I should be. Alex unfortunately was shot and killed during a stick up at a convenience store. Closed casket, it was horrible.

[salcha4u]

So the other day my friends and I decide to go out that night and a majority of us are signed up for a fake ID so we can do whatever we want cause we are good kids. We were supposed to go places in my friend's car but oh snap, she loses her keys and a raccoon got inside her car (she lives in the hills) then after that we see a bobcat so we are running for our lives right, but it's not like anyone can outrun a bobcat except for a select few so of course some were...left behind :( We mourn over their deaths with cases of liquor and when we were drunk enough, we decide to continue on our journey. We continue running to Africa where we meet Allah and he gives us free camel rides to the world of nothingness where we do nothing. Then we meet the toothbrush man and we get free samples of floss, but we didn't need floss yet cause it was only 5AM so we beat him up and sent him in a box all the way to China cause Chinese people eat everything. Then we decided that we were bored of Africa so we set foot over to Europe. Yet on the trip some of my friends were eaten up by piranhas, leaving me as the only one to continue on the lone journey of absolutely no point at all. The moment I arrived in Europe, I was greeted with pancakes and a nice warm bed. I then demanded to be the queen of England and so I was. Europe was boring cause I got sick of bossing people around and making them stay on snail diet because I am an evil person, so I decided to watch grass grow all the way in Australia with my 400/25 eye vision. I didn't get surgery for it cause I was just born like that. I decided to take a visit to China and then swam over in a time span of 1 second to New York where I got to redesign Times Square and climb the Empire state building. I loved the view until I decided that it was time for me to learn to fly, so I jumped off the Empire State building and flew back to Asia where I visited Christine Bark in Korea and dumped a bucket of kimchi on her head. She couldn't reach me though, cause I was able to fly and she couldn't so haha! I decided that Asia was boring so I flew back to California where I first decided to relive my childhood dream and win every single game at Reno's Circus Circus even though all the little children cried but I don't care cause I am the greatest. After this achievement, I decided to go to LA to steal some $$$ from Eddie not because I was poor, but because he has to be more humble and having less money will help him. But I am a good person so I donated the money to the children I stole the Circus Circus stuffed animals from. So then I am in Morocco painting someone’s portrait right…and then OH NO it comes alive and I accidentally stab their eye with my paintbrush! I hurriedly try to pour some white paint all over the painting so it will go back to being lifeless but nooooo it steps out of the canvas and comes running after me. So I am running for my life (again?) and I remember that I have super power magic flying skills! I fly through the air, lose the crazy nonhuman and meet the tooth fairy. I asked her why I never got mah monayyyy for all the teeth I had worked so hard to pull out and she tried to run away but I grabbed her by her wings and stole her nonexistent pouch of change. I used it to buy an ipod out of one of those cool ipod vending machines cause I was bored and listened to some BSB cause they are the best. I remember that I am still in the clouds so I go back down to earth where I land on the back of a giant turtle. It takes me across the pacific ocean where I conquer giant waves through blood, sweat, and tears…and I end up at Hawaii (hahahaha nice geography huh?). But there I find out that I’m not that special after all cause EVERYONE had giant floating turtles that take them places so I was like ): and asked for a panda instead cause they are cuter. So I am in the jungle riding on the back of my panda and it suddenly gets these crazy growth hormones where his back expands enough for me to completely lie down on it like a comfortable bed…except that the panda’s back is softer than a feather bed (; so we cross the jungle and finally arrive at a desert and I suddenly want to go swimming so I take out my water bottle out of nowhere and start pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and pouring and then suddenly I created a new ocean. Except that my ocean isn’t all muddy and icky, it has the clear waters like in the movies and paradise pictures! Then I was tired even though I had no jet lag cause I am superrrrr so I flew back to the Bay Area to where I am now to tell you my amazing story.

I can do this for a whole day.

[issey miyake]

wtf sally go watch a drama

[HoodNigga]

I have DSL.

Also I had sex with Alicia Keys and Roselyn Sanchez . I'm typing this message on my laptop and their right beside me.

I've been shot and stabbed.

I get money. Money I got, I run New York.

My dick is 19 inches long.

[*Uronacid*]

Well, this one time me, Alex, Jeremy, and Jake went to a concert. We were all drunk before we got to the show, because we were drinking and driving all the way there. It was about 9PM in October, and we were going to a reggae where everyone was going to dress up.

I decided to wear my favorite Tiki mask, Jeremy decided to dress as an elderly man, Jake dressed as Alice Cooper, and Alex pretended he wasn't there. We were going crazy. It was so awesome, the flashing lights, and booming bass sounds were all going to my drunken head. All of the sudden I was dancing. I was going absolutely insane, people were cheering me on, and the band started to play louder. People loved it. Jeremy threw me his top hat and cane, and I now become a dancing tribesman with a top hat and cane.

Jake was to drunk, he could barely even stand. He was awkwardly bobbing his head up and down. He looked like he was having a mild seizure on the dance floor. It was still so cool though, he had the look of Alice Cooper and moves of a paraplegic who had just found out he could walk.

I flew down on the floor and started flailing my arms and legs all over the place, and then I jumped on stage and went crazy right in front of the band. Wow, I felt like I was on top of the world. It was so cool, but I was starting to get thirsty. "God, I'm thirsty!!" ,I yelled. A man immediately handed me a drink. "Wow, thanks" ,I shouted over the deafening sounds of base guitar and drums.

I downed the drink in a flash, and headed back to the dance floor. I started doing DDR heavy mode moves from song "Aa". It had been two years since I had been gay enough to obsess over that game, and I could still remember those awesome beats. These people were to drunk to realize I was doing DDR. This was the one and only time that DDR actually worked in a real dance, and made me look cool. If I didn't know better, it was the only time in history that it made anyone look cool when they actually danced to DDR without playing the game (shadow dancing is for queers, fuck you noobies). Also, I tend to think that the only reason it looked cool was because the 50-60 people standing around me were so drunk that they couldn't do much more than stand and bob their head.

Then we all got in the car, and drove home drunk. The ride home was scary, it was even more thrilling than the concert. There were so many little kids crossing the street that night at two AM. What were their parents thinking? Did they want their kids to die? I tried doing these people a favor by running over all their children (I have come to find out that I was actually running over dogs and other animals. I was just to drunk to realize it.)

We finally arrive at the house, and Alex is trying to pet his cat. He was extremely drunk. So instead of petting it, he just keeps bobbing back and forth and holding his hand out in front of the cat. Then the cat just bites him out of no where! So, we have to punish the cat. We poked holes in a pillow case so we could thread a rope through them. Then we put the cat inside and threaded the rope through the holes. We hanged the cat off the garage, and took turns shooting at it with the paint ball gun. It was fun, because every time we hit the cat we could hear it meow.

Then we through the cat and the pillow case into the pool (to clean the pillow case and the cat), and pulled the cat out. It was finished, the cat had been punished and we let him go.

[salcha4u]

I have DSL.

Also I had sex with Alicia Keys and Roselyn Sanchez . I'm typing this message on my laptop and their right beside me.

I've been shot and stabbed.

I get money. Money I got, I run New York.

My dick is 19 inches long.

Yeah this is definitely BS.

[*Uronacid*]

I have DSL.

Also I had sex with Alicia Keys and Roselyn Sanchez . I'm typing this message on my laptop and their right beside me.

I've been shot and stabbed.

I get money. Money I got, I run New York.

My dick is 19 inches long.

Dude... they have to be at least somewhat believable, and if you don't to make them believable then at least make them... funny...

[iDecay]

I think they're hilarious...

[moninja]

I met up with KC and Robbi and third-wheeled their date, and KC paid for dinner.

LOL@KC PAYING FOR DINNER.

k tina and i met up and i ran into a tree, after that we got a bandage for me and then we went home so i could drink milk and then i killed ****.

[iDecay]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Okay, Monica and I went to the mall and I got her a skirt and her butt stopped sweating because of it. We went to James Dang's house and threw some microwave tacos at him while he was touching his proportional boobs. Linda comes out and says she's in a committed relationship with a white boy. We go to ____'s funeral and drink more milk and we kill ____'s __.

[bat19]

Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this story, "The Tale of the 10 Hour Hangover."

Me, Jake, Josh, his friend Kelly, and a few other people we knew go to this decently sized house party where everyone is already drunk or high by the time we get there. I don't really like going to a party and being sober, so I hit the beers. After about 5 beers, I hit the bottle. A nice tall bottle of Jamaican Rum, burns the stomach quite nicely. After a few shots of that, I say f**k it and drink straight from the bottle. Ive been at the house half an hour and am already smashed. I then do a few shots of vodka with my buddy Jake who is trying to make me laugh. It works and vodka shoots straight up my nose. Now vodka burns going down the throat, you can imagine what it felt like going up the nose. I punch Jake in the arm(I think) but he swings his head back, making onlookers think I punched him in the face. So a few guys come to grab hold of me, but by this time Im gone. Im swingin and bitin and clawin at people. I take a knife and throw it at a girl which I thought actually worked. It doesnt. Knife throwing takes a little skill and it doesnt help that you're drunk off your ass and people are fighting you. By this time, Ive got 5 people on me, trying their best to stop me. But the devil water is a strange beast, and I found new strength Ive never had before or since. I take one guy who was easily a foot taller than me and I throw him through a screen door. Then I grab Josh from the shirt and toss him into the bushes. By this time, people stopped trying to stop me and started running away from me. I grab the closest girl by the neck and knock her unconcious, then carry her out to a car that was parked in the garage. Im driving down a heavily populated city street doing about 80 with a drunk unconcious girl in the passenger seat and Im not even looking at the road. When I do look up, I notice a Burger King. So I crash into the doors and park in front of the counter. The black girl behind the counter just looks at us like nothing had happened. Other people in the store start screaming. Eventually the cops arrested but were unable to prosecute due to an unfair bias in the courtroom. Apparently the prosecuting attorney was having an affair with the judge. Long story short, mine and a dozen other cases were thrown out and I am a free man. I love the judicial system.