Am I wasting my time?, 5 year relationship, give up now? Options

[msladyliberty]

Hello all!! This might be a little confusing, so I'm gonna try to keep it short and simple for you all.

It seems like every other year, my boyfriend gets into "flirty" conversations online with other girls. Somehow, I find out by accident (accidentally IM the "hey baby"). This has happened twice. He'd also talk to these girls hours on end on the phone while he was away (he's in the airforce).

I've let those 2 incidents go, because I felt that I didn't do enough on my part to love him, so I blamed myself. So 2 years past, and I just found out in June that he sent 2 dozen red roses to a Jonalyn in Hawaii (an ex-gf from like 8th grade, we're 23 and 24 now!). I was really upset this time because I actually thought he'd changed. On top of that, he "promised" me "twice," that he'd never do this again.

So, after the arguing, the fighting, the separation, then the breakup, we're back together. His reasons for doing this was because I wasn't "what he wanted me to be," yet he still begs for me to stay with him and work things out. I've been fooled and confused, yet I'm so in love with him. He promised he'd never do this again, and that he'll "really, really" change.

I really love this man, truly love him. I have changed dramatically since this has happened, and I've become this jealous, uptight, insecure person I swore I'd never be. He is truly an amazing person, yet I question my faith in us and I hate having doubts about it.

Question is:
Am I wasting my time with this man? I have given everything to him and sacrificed so much of my life and time for him. At 24, is he really being serious about us?

(I have never cheated on this man, never ever! I'm pretty damn loyal, besides I don't have time to cheat, I have to go to work and school!)

Your opinions are greatly appreciated, thank you for your time!

[*Michelle*]

If you really do love him, I don't think it's a waste of time.

But before you pursue this relationship any further, take baby steps and make sure he has changed from his older ways. It's understandable for you to turn out being the jealous type if incidents have happened more than once; I would react the same way inside.

If he hasn't changed, you can't change him yourself. That is possibly some of the best advice I've received. You can't change people you love; they have to want to change themselves. If it does happen that he's flirting again, blahblah, you should discuss it with him and take a LONG break to let him and yourself get some fresh air.

[msladyliberty]

Well, I think I took him back because I just really missed him, and I do love him.

I think when school gets in session then I'll really know if he changed, because he seems to do this crap when I'm concentrating on school. THEN, he says I haven't "cared" or "talked" to him enough. I dunno, I guess it's hard dating someone who doesn't know shi*t about college life.

I'm just so burnt out from school, I don't really "think" about us. ahhh...I'll see what happens.

[blacknailpolish]

He's not being very supportive, it sounds like, and it sounds like he's on the immature side as well.....but it sounds like you really do love him. Michelle's right, though, you can't make him change if he doesn't want to. It sounds like maybe he wants to though, so you just have to let him know what the deal is (i.e. you're in college and it's very demanding, he can't be flirting with WAY old girlfriends, etc.) You just need to tell him what the ground rules are, and hopefully he takes them seriously.

Good luck!

[pinayprincess]

If you really do love him, I don't think it's a waste of time.

[Keriana]

Hello all!! This might be a little confusing, so I'm gonna try to keep it short and simple for you all.

It seems like every other year, my boyfriend gets into "flirty" conversations online with other girls. Somehow, I find out by accident (accidentally IM the "hey baby"). This has happened twice. He'd also talk to these girls hours on end on the phone while he was away (he's in the airforce).

I've let those 2 incidents go, because I felt that I didn't do enough on my part to love him, so I blamed myself. So 2 years past, and I just found out in June that he sent 2 dozen red roses to a Jonalyn in Hawaii (an ex-gf from like 8th grade, we're 23 and 24 now!). I was really upset this time because I actually thought he'd changed. On top of that, he "promised" me "twice," that he'd never do this again.

So, after the arguing, the fighting, the separation, then the breakup, we're back together. His reasons for doing this was because I wasn't "what he wanted me to be," yet he still begs for me to stay with him and work things out. I've been fooled and confused, yet I'm so in love with him. He promised he'd never do this again, and that he'll "really, really" change.

I really love this man, truly love him. I have changed dramatically since this has happened, and I've become this jealous, uptight, insecure person I swore I'd never be. He is truly an amazing person, yet I question my faith in us and I hate having doubts about it.

Question is:
Am I wasting my time with this man? I have given everything to him and sacrificed so much of my life and time for him. At 24, is he really being serious about us?

(I have never cheated on this man, never ever! I'm pretty damn loyal, besides I don't have time to cheat, I have to go to work and school!)

Your opinions are greatly appreciated, thank you for your time!

Lol Not laughing at your situation but at the fact that I have had pretty much the EXACT thing happen! Only my husband is in the Marines. It happened when he was over in Iraq. I would hear from friends that he called them, or someone would say "oh nick called today!" and I would be thinking hmmm...he didn't call me! I completely understand where you are coming from. I had a lot of trust issues because of one idiotic thing he did. Plus, it's a million times harder when you're so far away.

We ended up breaking up for about 3 months. And he cracked, he called me crying saying how much he regrets the past and wanted to make us work...yadayada. And now..we have been together for 5 1/2 years and we will be married for two years on August 26th.

It's very difficult having a long distance relationship. But if you work hard at it and your love is real. It'll all work out! Hope this helps! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or just need to talk!

[msladyliberty]

He's not being very supportive, it sounds like, and it sounds like he's on the immature side as well.....but it sounds like you really do love him.

Yeah, he is a little on the immature side. He's so demanding for attention. We've been living together for like...5 years! I'm around all the time, and he knows he can talk to me. I dunno why he's in need for Jonalyn.

Another reason why I'm back with him is because I don't want Jonalyn to friggin' win. I'm so jealous and pissed at the fact that he has someone on the side (and this girl is dumb enough to stick around). It's like Jonalyn having the last laugh. I'm so silly huh?

[cyb3r0ptik]

it's not a question of how much you love him.
there's no doubt in my mind that you do...

but the question is, do you love yourself enough?

please take this lightly.. i'm an outsider who doesn't know a lick about you, but imho... you've said this yourself...
he has somebody else on the side, and you don't want her to win.

is that justification enough to try to make it work? when only one person (IE you) is making that commitment?

if he's stopped, and truly stopped, and you still don't trust him, he should never be defensive, and he should be open to you being uneasy about conversations, emails, phone calls, etc.
he should understand how you feel about him talking to Jonalyn, and stop talking to her. out of respect for you.

i hate to burst your bubble, hun... but at 24 years old you have more and better things to do than waste your time on somebody, to be the only one willing to resurrect what you guys used to have.

yeah, it sucks that it's 5 years and this is happening, but... in the end, is it really going to be worth it?

and on the other side, i could be completely wrong. like i said, i'm an outside who knows nothing about you.

i hope the best of the situation finds you.

[msladyliberty]

^I totally have analyzed the "is it all worth it?" kinda deal.

I'm literally kicking myself right now for being with him...still...and I'm still with him for all the wrong reasons.

I mean, we got a lease together and a joint account. I just haven't had the chance to save up enough to get off this relationship. Basically, I just need more time to plan things out, and I'm waiting for a distraction (i.e. school).

Plus, I'm totally upset because she's not even that cute! (well to me she isn't, she's kinda fobby to me) I don't have much pictures of me ('cause I'm not a picture kinda person) but I feel offended that he's cheating on me with THIS girl! Like really, at least upgrade from me! Not down-grade!

Jonalyn's slideshows

let me know what you guys think. and don't sugar coat it! be honest!! 'cause all my friends say I'm better...but I think they're just being too nice about it.

[xFaith]

I have a friend, he's 26. He's been in a relationship for four years, but he constantly does what you're describing as well. His gf is so in love with him, she's blind. But he is just flirting, stuff like sending weird text messages and camsex (yea o.O) With lots of girls.
We all think he just doesnt want to break up with his gf because it's comfortable, and a 'habit'.
You could confront him if he really does love you like in the start, because when he's looking for attention with other girls.. There is something wrong with your relationship.

I dont know your complete situation, but i'd never put up with it.

[kenshinx001]

Bruce Lee once said "Love is not measured on how many breaths we take. It's measured on how much they take your breath away" ummm or something like that. Anyways I know what you're going through. Been there, done that. Talk. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Tell him that you're jealous and tell him how selfish you are. I don't think there's a reason for him to get mad at you if you tell him. He shouldn't be flirting in the first place anyway.

For me I think it's cute for a girl to get jealous(as long as it's not to the extreme). If I have a girl and she got jealous because of some girl I would tell it'll be ok and prove to her she is the only one... right on the spot. right in front of the girl she accused me of flirting.

In the anime Kenichi. One master told his disciple "How can there be love if there's no trust?" Trust is the main reason why relationships break. Try this: exchange and compare cellphone with him. look at his addressbook immediately. Exchange user ID and password to all his internet access(ie myspace etc.). With your level of relationship, you and your man should be as open as that. If he has problems with exchanging cellphones and stuff. Think logically. Ask him what is there to hide if you love me? If he said that you don't trust him, then tell him, "that's why I'm giving you all access to my personal stuff". anyways if you can work on those obstacles, I'm happy for you and Your man is THE MAN. he's 100% legit. desperately in love with you.

i hope my advice helps
ps no revenge(if u love a person. love him because u love him.)

[Comptine]

If he says that you aren't what he wants you to be, then that might be a sign that he's looking for something else. Five years is a long time and you're still young. Some people think being with someone so long is boring/tied down etc. I understand that you really love him and he probably loves you too but sometimes, after awhile people start looking for something new.

Maybe you should have a nice long talk with him and have him understand how you feel when he does what he does. Since you really love him, making the relationship work will take some effort.

But, just to let you know, don't let him change you just cause he's bored or looking for something different. I think you're doing a good job as a girlfriend, being so patient and understanding. If that isn't what he wants, I don't know what is.

I also think, maybe taking a break from each will put things in focus.

Whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck. =)

[msladyliberty]

PS. Judging on your pic on myspace, you're about 10 levels higher than that trash bag ho.

awwww thanks hun!

My bf has a big trust issue with me. He's very insecure, and his reason is because I'm "pretty." I think to myself, "omg is he serious?" I know he's just concern for my safety at times, but it just went to far, I had no social life. It was hard to hang out with my friends by myself. I've even cared less about my looks just to prove to him that I'm serious about "us."

I think that's why he has a crush on this girl, 'cause he knows he can trust her. I have given him complete trust, EVEN when he has done this to me THREE TIMES (this time is the 4th), I still showed him respect and trust...but he can't do the same for me.

He's even said flat out, "When I'm over seas, I can't trust you." omg!!

I am really in love with this guy, because for some reason, I keep myself in this relationship, and I try so hard and given so much to this man who can't even give it back to me.

...love just sucks sometimes!...

And yes, we have had long long talks about it, except they turn into arguments in the end, and then it gets turned back around to me...why do guys do that? Make you feel guilty for their mistakes? errrrg...

You all have been a great help, and I appreciate you all sharing similar experiences with me. It kinda gives me hope for myself...and maybe one day, "diving back into the single life." I'll post back an update in the future.

Thanks again!