I grieve. Options

[HakunaMatata]

My mother passed away a little over two weeks ago, and this has been on my mind.

So my mother was sick. Really, really, really sick. In bed suffering for months. When she passed away, it wasn't at all surprised. According to a therapist, we as humans begin grieving when someone gets terminally ill; like the brain automatically prepares itself. And you know, I think that's true. I was ready as possibly could be, which is probably why, even the day after, I was still going to school, posting on cB, etc.

Since then, I've been A-OK. My overall happiness has decreased, sure, but it's not like I'm hysterically grieving every day. But the pain comes in waves; I'm fine for a while, then out of nowhere I'm breaking down. Then I'm okay again.

So the point is about truly grieving. Have you experienced true grief? What did you do while grieving? How did you deal with it?

P.S. I mean this in the most sensitive manner: Please don't post in here with "I'm so sorry." because honestly, people who grieve (well at least this is how I feel) already know your sorry, and we're truly appreciative of your caring, but let's keep the discussion to grieving, hm?

[*I Viddy Horrorshow*]

I felt like that when my Grandma died a little while back. She had been sick for years, and it was almost a release rather than a weight of grief, if that makes sense.

I think once you start to grieve, you start to move on, because you can let out what, in normal circumstances, you would keep inside... It's why grieving is seen as such a healthy thing, I suppose.

[Mulder]

i grieved when my grandmother died last year. i felt awful, because i hadn't seen her while she was sick. She didn't want me to, but I still feel like crap about it.

[HakunaMatata]

Yeah! That idea of grieving as a sign of healing was so foreign to me until right now, because it seems so painful. Awww, James.

*feels Englightened*

i grieved when my grandmother died last year. i felt awful, because i hadn't seen her while she was sick. She didn't want me to, but I still feel like crap about it.

Oh goodness, regret can be such a big one. Before, as someone who had never truly grieved before, I'd always told people who were grieving not to regret anything because I thought it as unhealthy. But now I see it's just so completely normal to regret.

[*I Viddy Horrorshow*]

*moment of wisdom*

It was kind of different when I guy I knew died suddenly 18ish moths ago, though, because it was asuch as shock (car accident)... it was much more intense in the short term, like the next day at school, and up to the funeral, but after that it almost just went away like, altogether.

I think it's just different based on how it happens...

[HakunaMatata]

Holy shaz, this is like Kaycee's topic of enlightenment.

for you Kaycee.

Yes. I've truly experienced what it's like to grieve. That, and a sense of overwhelming denial that only made it hurt more when I realized it's true.

My grandmother raised me since I was a baby and she's more a mother to me than my mom is. I lived with her back in the Philippines and I went to Canada to start high school here. My mom and I were supposed to come home July 2005. She died June 2005. I didn't believe it and I called her house so many times waiting for her to pick up the phone and she never did. I think I avoided thinking about it.

I miss my Lola.

Robbi, don't make me break the P.S. rule I made in the first post. Awww, girl.

*moment of wisdom*

It was kind of different when I guy I knew died suddenly 18ish moths ago, though, because it was asuch as shock (car accident)... it was much more intense in the short term, like the next day at school, and up to the funeral, but after that it almost just went away like, altogether.

I think it's just different based on how it happens...

That I didn't about, either. I mean, sure, I've imagined what it must feel like to grieve after a sudden, unexpected death. Of course I imagined that it'd be different, like how there must be more denial and shock, but I never really took into consideration the differences in the length of grieving between the two circumstances.

i really dont know how it would feel to actually lose someone you love and are close to, this is the closest thing to it for me. honestly i dont know how i would deal with it, but hopefully everyone comes out stronger at the end.

Hmmm, to me I expect not so much stronger as wiser. The two may mean the same thing for some, but to me I think I'll definitely be weaker but more prepared, perhaps, if (God forbid) something happens like this again.

[Jinny]

well, i grieved when my grandfather died from lung cancer. when i was young, i couldn't meet him a lot since i lived in the USA and he lived all the way in korea. i didn't even know much about him; i think i met him only like 2 times because we lived so far apart from each other. i didn't even know what his favorite foods were. (btw, i only met him from when i was like 4 and 6 years old, so i forgot what happened when i visited korea/him/my family.) well, one day we got a phone call that my grandpa had died. my family decided we would go to korea for a week or so to attend his funeral and see him for one last time. well, we were getting tickets [i think online] when my dad found out that my passport was expired [if that's possible; i don't remember] so i wasn't allowed to go to korea - which meant i couldn't see my grandfather for one last time. my family had to drop me off at a very close friend of ours (their dad was friends with my dad in college and school and work). i stayed at their house for one week while the rest of my family went to Korea. i couldn't even say goodbye to my grandpa.

[*Monochrome.*]

I have a problem with grief.Ive been raised never to cry and when my grandmother and grandfather died[2 months apart],my favorite uncle[in a car accident] and then my half sister and her 2 kids [her insane husband shot them].this all happened within the 3 summer months.You would think my life would colapse.

I knew in my heart it wasnt good to dwell on it and i knew the show must go on.
I finaly came apart when i had gone to the vet to talk about how my cat was to be buried or cremated.

So i guess i do have yet to feel it all hit me hard and feel what real grief is.

[*Podomaht*]

Throw some D's on that bitch.

[kimmytree]

I kinda have a weird way of grieving. Whenever I've lost close family members (such as my grandmother, grandfather, aunt, ect), I just try to pretend they're still here... and that I just havent seen them lately. That usually makes things all better... until I'm at a family gathering, such as Christmas. Then I totally lose it, and almost relive all the emotions I felt when they passed. Maybe prentending they're still here just ends up making things harder?

You know, I just started thinking about this today, and its been on my mind all day. When I woke up this morning, and turned on the news, I was shocked to hear that my local weatherman had commited suicide. Even though I didnt know the guy, I've been teary-eyed from it all day. It's reminded me how precious people around us are, and how we need to cherish every second we have with them... because we never know when they wont be here.

[*WHIMSICAL 0NE*]

I think the unexpected deaths are a lot harder to deal with. Summer of 2005 three of my friends died in a car accident in August. The hardest part about that was they weren't doing anything wrong and Kyle, a friend of mine since I was little toddler burned to death in the car. People who were around when it happened said they could hear him screaming for help from inside the car. In May of 2005 (not even a full month before he was to graduate) my friend passed away when his car hooked the edge of the road and he drove into a cement wall. It wasn't that far from my house. The hardest part about people who pass by being in a car accident is going by the spots where they've died. It just hits you. It took me months to drive past a tree because I knew that's where my friend died.

I've lost a lot of people in my life and honestly I think it's made me a stronger person and it's made me appreciate the people who love me (and who i love) so much more. I grieve by crying and then denial and then it usually just hits me. I've tried not to be bitter because I've lost so many people in my life, but it's hard not to be. I'm not bitter towards anyone but it makes me doubt religion...

[tokyo-rose]

I kinda have a weird way of grieving. Whenever I've lost close family members (such as my grandmother, grandfather, aunt, ect), I just try to pretend they're still here... and that I just havent seen them lately. That usually makes things all better... until I'm at a family gathering, such as Christmas. Then I totally lose it, and almost relive all the emotions I felt when they passed. Maybe prentending they're still here just ends up making things harder?

That kind of sounds like a form of denial to me, like maybe an indirect denial? I can't figure out a way to say it without sounding repetitive, but this is what I was typing:
Instead of pretending the death didn't happen, you're pretending the person is still alive, but either way they're both denials.
See, it sounds like I'm saying the same thing twice in one sentence. I hope you get what I'm trying to say.

But yeah, that happens to me too. I had a close family friend my brother and I called Uncle John who passed away in October 2005. I accepted the death and grieved, but when it came time for Thanksgiving and Christmas, it felt so weird celebrating without him there. My family had been going to his house to celebrate holidays ever since I was little, and he'd known me ever since I was born. I cried a little that first Christmas without him because I was walking around the house and looking into his room and thinking how he wasn't there. But I know he wouldn't want me to cry, so instead I try to be happy and make him proud.

[kimmytree]

^ It seems like the hardest part when losing someone is when they arent there for stuff like that. It's just never the same.

Yeah, I guess it is denial. Its been four years since my grandmother passed, and three years since my aunt, but I still in the back of my mind try to pretend they're still here. I just cant seem to let go.

[*Podomaht*]

^ Yeah, I guess it is denial. Its been four years since my grandmother passed, and three years since my aunt, but I still in the back of my mind try to pretend they're still here. I just cant seem to let go.

Get over it. Plain and simple.

My friend passed away almost two years ago from a drunk driver going approx. 100 miles the other lane and hitting him. The car explodes, body burns, closed casket.

The mother was in denial about it for a while, kept cleaning his room saying he would come home.

Anyways, back to the thread. Let the tears flow, but get over it.

[kimmytree]

^ What the hell? Tragically losing someone who you're extremely close to is hard. It's not something that you can just "get over".

[angelrevelation]

My brother had leukemia about two years ago... I don't know, it was so strange how numb I was. Like, nothing really bothered me. It was just something that had to be done for him to get better. Thankfully, he did.

However, if I have to talk about it nowadays, I often start crying. I don't know why. It just comes out of nowhere so quickly.

[*stephinika*]

Yes, I've gone through grieving, like when my grandpa died back in March of 2006. He lived in LA and I'm here in Vancouver and I was supposed to go visit him a few weeks later, but he died suddenly before I could go to see him, and I found out through a phone call from my mom while I was at school saying that she had to fly there because of it and yeah...it was a shock and I just cried for awhile. Eventually I got over it, but I still really miss him.