first poem here |
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first poem here |
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#1
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![]() Senior Member ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Group: Member Posts: 164 Joined: Oct 2006 Member No: 470,731 ![]() |
And he hates when she cries
Because it’s the only time his heart breaks when he looks into her eyes So he swore by her glistening cheeks and the damp on his shirt He would never be the reason that she hurt And he willed her to fix his broken heart With a curl of lovely lips and teeth that shined as they part By July they would be gone When the rains stopped and summer would dawn Hand in hand they’d cross San Diego’s yellow lines To San Francisco’s lights and traffic signs Where they would toast as they dined That night love would never be defined |
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#2
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Eternal Syn ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Group: Member Posts: 398 Joined: Jun 2004 Member No: 24,000 ![]() |
That's goood. Been awhile since I've read or wrote a poem that rhymed. I don't think those are in my anymore. buuut it doesn't mean you're not well off :D. To make it sound better starting off, maybe you should get rid of the and? because it just seems so misplaced being there. makes it sound like it's a only a piece of something bigger.
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#3
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![]() Senior Member ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Group: Member Posts: 164 Joined: Oct 2006 Member No: 470,731 ![]() |
Thank you,
![]() Yeah, I was really wondering about the 'and' I have a problem with lines being too short, heheh |
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#4
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![]() [BRITT;;] ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Group: Member Posts: 764 Joined: Jul 2006 Member No: 433,210 ![]() |
i like the and. =]
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