Untitled, It's about intimacy. |
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 Feb 10 2007, 01:06 PM
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#1
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 Jake - The Unholy Trinity / Premiscuous Poeteer.  Group: Member Posts: 1,272 Joined: May 2006 Member No: 411,316  |
Requited inabilities hinder reqium inadequicies,
Intricately settled by simply common feelings. Gestures awaken the physical soul aroused asunder, And the contact of bodies raise the impitent. The candied practice of love we fail to share splits into oblivion. All intimacy washed away unforgiven. Passionate love romances the beauty from betwixt out eyes, And we are set free into liberty above. |
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Feb 13 2007, 11:25 PM
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#2
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I'm Cattt. :] Group: Validating Posts: 1,722 Joined: Apr 2005 Member No: 130,831 |
I like the meaning you state in this. The first stanza talks about I think falling in love and what is it like. The second states the break up. (If I'm interpreting this the right way.)
I think the transition between the two stanzas is sudden. Perhaps a stanza or two about what usually happens after you go through the first stage of a relationship. |
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Feb 14 2007, 12:51 AM
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#3
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 Senior Member Group: Human Posts: 659 Joined: Jan 2007 Member No: 494,019 |
Is this about a certain baby that was "supposed to be yours" as you put it? j/k. It's good.
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Feb 14 2007, 05:23 AM
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#4
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Jake - The Unholy Trinity / Premiscuous Poeteer. Group: Member Posts: 1,272 Joined: May 2006 Member No: 411,316 |
QUOTE(The Abominable C-Pillar @ Feb 14 2007, 12:51 AM)  Is this about a certain baby that was "supposed to be yours" as you put it? j/k. It's good. Haha. Actually...haha. No, I wrote this before that. I wrote this probably last summer before TRILBY broke up with me. I was having a good day. |
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Feb 14 2007, 11:22 AM
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#5
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Senior Member Group: Human Posts: 659 Joined: Jan 2007 Member No: 494,019 |
QUOTE(JakeKKing @ Feb 14 2007, 6:23 AM) Haha. Actually...haha. No, I wrote this before that. I wrote this probably last summer before TRILBY broke up with me. I was having a good day. So wait....this was supposed to be happy? I completely missed that. Here's a critique that you can use for your other stuff as well. Stop using huge words. Just because you can doesnt mean you should. True, it sounds intelligent but loses it's meaning. It is actually more difficult to express what you're trying to say using simplified words than complicated words. You should try implementing both in your writing. |
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Feb 14 2007, 07:37 PM
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#6
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Jake - The Unholy Trinity / Premiscuous Poeteer. Group: Member Posts: 1,272 Joined: May 2006 Member No: 411,316 |
QUOTE(JakeKKing @ Feb 10 2007, 1:06 PM) Gestures awaken the physical soul aroused asunder, Passionate love romances the beauty from betwixt out eyes, And we are set free into liberty above. Haha. Those lines sound depressing? The poem is about sex or foreplay ultimately. Read it again knowing that. |
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| *mishyerr* |
Feb 14 2007, 09:18 PM
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#7
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Guest |
"All intimacy washed away unforgiven."
Beautiful line. I love it. [the whole poem, I mean. and the line. that's beautiful] hahaha. It flows well. |
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