Am I just being selfish? Options

[me1issaaaa]

This is going to be a little lengthy, so... yeah. Whoever reads the whole thing gets a cookie! READY, SET, HERE IT GOES.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. We get along great most of the time, but I feel neglected a lot. When we first started dating, he was a senior and a month away from graduating, and I was a junior. I only saw him a few minutes between classes in school because neither of us had working cars at the time, and he was always busy with work and family stuff and whatnot. I didn't really care too terribly much then because... well, we had just started going out. Whatever.

A few months go by, and he gets a car. I see him a little more, but still it would only equal out to 3 or 4 times a week, for like half an hour each visit. I was a little bothered by that, and the fact that he was so close with his family, every night was "family time". EVERY NIGHT, and every weekend, and pretty much whenever they had free time they were doing something family-oriented. I thought it was a little bittersweet - it was nice how his family got along so well, but it was a bit much. It's not often that you find an 18 year old boy wanting to hang out with his family day after day after day after day, along with his 21 and 14 year old brothers.

Skip forward to about 2 months ago, in October. It's my Homecoming. My senior year. I didn't want to miss it, but I definitely wanted to spend it with my boyfriend. He had known about it for atleast a month, and the day of the Homecoming game comes, and about 2 hours before it starts, he calls and bails on me, saying he just doesn't feel like going. I wouldn't have minded, except that he had known for so long, and had promised me he would go with me for weeks prior to that. I thought that was totally unexpected... and it wasn't for him, it was for me. It was my thing. And the next night, which was the night of the actual dance, he invited 2 of his friends who had already graduated with him the year before. Um, rude much?

Two weeks ago, my Christmas concert thing for my chorus was going on. I had a solo, got to play the bells, and got to do a group dance thing for the senior girls (it was cute, I swear). Again, a few hours before it starts when I'm getting ready, I get a call from him saying he won't be able to make it, because apparently his parents were in a bad mood and he didn't want so make them more upset. And, once again, he had known about this event for several weeks and even scheduled off work for it.I was completely dumbfounded - an 18 year old guy afraid he'll upset mommy and daddy by going to a chorus concert?! I don't think that was the real reason, in all honesty I think it was complete bullshit. Later that night, I pretended like I didn't care and that it was his decision not to go, and he missed out. I didn't whine or anything... until I told my mom about everything. I ended up bawling the next night talking to her, while he went out with his friends to smoke pot.

Next morning comes, and I didn't hear from him the night before. About lunchtime I get a text from him, accusing me of being a whore because some kid sent me a message on Myspace saying I looked sexy at the concert. WHAT THE HELL, even now, 2 weeks later, I still don't understand why he was so upset over that. I still hold a grudge against everything that has happened recently, and my mom is pretty preturbed with his actions, as well. We're getting better, we're fighting less, but still.

I guess what I'm asking is... am I asking for too much? Is he not giving enough? I feel selfish for wanting to see him all the time, but at the same time I wonder why doesn't he want to see me more?

[*kryogenix*]

Pee in his butt.

What's the rush? No need to get involved so early. Wait till your older.

[cassjamminx]

well, first, i don't think you're being selfish at all. there's nothing wrong with wanting your boyfriend to be there for you, and planning ahead, i honestly think it's all on him who has bailed and what not.

his family thing- interesting. are you sure that when he says he's spending time with his family thats really what he's doing, rather than that other incident of smoking pot or something? i mean, him bailing last minute seems like other things came up that'd he rather do.

i'm sure you might've talked about things with him, but you should definitely get the truth from him, and if that is the truth, ask him why. you guys should want to see each other mutually whenever you get the chance, espercially when it's not that often.

but you are really not being selfish at all. he should really put as much effort into your guys' relationship as he does with his family. at least evenly. because he should know that family will always be there, but you might not, he shouldn't take your outings for seeing each other for granted you know?

i think when reading your post i got angry at this guy.. lol.

hope that helped..

[*xcaitlinx*]

in my opinion, he's being a complete a-hole. do you truly believe that every time he blows you off, it's because he's spending time with his family? i highly doubt it. if my boyfriend was treating me this way i'd talk to him about it right away and if he didn't start treating me better then i'd dump his ass. i think that you really need to talk to him about all of this instead of keeping it to yourself because who knows, maybe he will change once he realizes how rude and obnoxious he's been.

[OhMyAnniee]

Something sounds fishy about him.

Honestly, it almost sounds like he's trying to make you break up with him or something..

[me1issaaaa]

The thing is, we have talked about it, and I know for a fact that he has been with his family every time he said he was. There's no chance of him cheating or anything, and I really don't think he's trying to get my to dump him. And in all honesty, our relationship isn't bad or anything - there's so much more good in it than there is bad. He's just clueless sometimes when it comes to priorities.

[Lovesucks06]

Your guy is being a jerk. Dump the a-hole Case solved

For real i dont think a relationship is fair when a person doesnt have enough time to see their partner. Actually he's being the selfish one not dedicating time with you when you care about him so much. Don't waste more time on him. You're young and you deserve better.

[*x1227x*]

woah, i read ALL of that.

wtf is his problem? seriously. i mean.. it's okay for him to hang out with family sometimes, but if he doesn't want to take the time and hang out with you, you should try talking to him about this, and no you're not being selfish. he's a dumb f**k. seriously.

[showstopper!]

Tell him you want to spend more time with him. But if he bails out again just dump him. He isn't worth it if he is always doing something else with his friends when he can be with you.

[SimplicityGirl]

Um..how are you being selfish? You want to spend more time with him, and he's not giving that to you, I really don't see how you're being selfish. It's natural for you to want to spend time with your boyfriend...I think that's part of what constitutes a healthy relationship. There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend more time with your boyfriend...especially if you only get to see him for about 2 hours each week (from your post, you said 3 to 4 times a week, 30 minutes each)

As for this...I think you really should sit your boyfriend down and talk to him about it. What he did was rude. Very very rude. If he promised you he'd show up, then he very well should've shown up. Couple this with the fact that he has known about this for weeks and have planned it with you, it just seems very fishy that he decided to ditch you at the last possible minute. Not once, but twice. It almost seemed as if he doesn't respect you. Not to sound rude, but really, it's a sign of disrespect on his part for not showing up to something he promised you he'd go to with you.

Tell him you want to spend time with him. Request him make time for you. If he has enough time for all his family things, and go out with friends, then he should have time for you. I just don't see why he shouldn't have time for you. Maybe he can take a day off from his Family Time and spend it with you. It's good that he respects his parents and is very considerate of his parents' feelings (the thing about not going out because his parents are in a bad mood), but he also needs to respect you, his girlfriend, in the same way that he respects his family. You can't just keep on making excuses for him, and pretending that it didn't happen, and thinking that it's somehow your fault. Because it's not.

A relationship is only a relationship if the two people involve in it give and take equally from it. In this case, the balancing act is not shared equally. You're doing most of the giving, he's doing the most of the taking. It needs to be balanced...or your relationship might go downhill. It's not fair for you to be doing the majority of the giving, and he should reciprocate by giving too. In this case, he should be giving you his time and attention.

I still think that, the main issue isn't the problem of whether or not he has time for you, but of his degree of respect for you. Seriously, standing you up like that with prior knowledge of the event is really rude. I'd be furious with my boyfriend for weeks if he ever did that.

Good luck with the issue...and hope you actually read through all that o.O.

[miiichellley]

A definite solid NO. You're not being selfish. I understand. You're just looking to actually spend some DECENT time with your boyfriend. Basically, it's his fault. He promised to show up, but he didn't. You guys need to talk. You need to find some time to settle this down, to find some point in life where you can actually DO something. Relationship's about commitment, not just declaring each other bf/gf. If he's not committed to doing something with you..well, then, he's not exactly being the best boyfriend. I say you guys just need to have a talk about all this. And don't be too firm or too strict.

[minioligo]

Nah, you aren't being too selfish. But you've got to be more understanding about him spending time with his family. It is really rare that a guy loves his family so much and puts them as his number one priority all the time...but hey, I guess it can happen considering what you've just said. From what I can conclude, he has been a bit of an a-hole though. I say that just talk to him about everything and work out things where you can spend time with each other more often. Explain to him that you aren't feeling like you're important to him and give all the examples that you just gave us.

Ooh, I can understand why he was angry about that kid messaging him though. Complete jealousy, yeah? But it was his fault for not going to see you in the first place.

[MeanBastard]

You selfish bizzlenizzle! Give him your virginity now!

[Intercourselyts]

It's not often that you find an 18 year old boy wanting to hang out with his family day after day after day after day, along with his 21 and 14 year old brothers.

I have to agree that its a bit weird seeing this. Also I personally think that he should have atleast took out some time to be with you instead of always spending time with his family. Or atleast let you come over and be with the family too? I mean I don't think theres a problem with bringing your partner over to the family, I think its a good thing if you want a family one day.

Homecoming thing, I find it a bit funny about you being worried about being selfish, because the truth is. He was selfish in this matter.


I don't think your asking to much, by the sounds of it you guys don't spend enough time with each other. You need to meet him somewhere get together and go to a quiet spot and talk things out. If he backs out of it, then I hate to break it to you but hes not worth it. Tell him what you think and a way that you guys could improve the problem if you both want it to work.

Best of luck.

[*a painefull euphoria*]

you need to bitch him out and dump his dumb stoner ass.
hes a f**king dick.
and you dont deserve that.
i understand a guy who cares about his family.
but you need to tell him that hes never around when you need him the most. and that he needs to get his prioritys straight.

f**k him.

[marzipan]

I get a cookie! ^___^

Well, you're definitely not being selfish. He's the one that needs to get it together and figure out what's more important to him in his life. If he already plans things with you months ahead, and then bails with lame excuses, he's not worth it. There's nothing wrong with "family time." What irked me was that he said he "just didn't feel like going" to events that are important to you. He needs to set his priorities, and personally, I wouldn't wait for him to do it. He's not worth it.

[GREASEbaby]

hun, don't worry.you're not being selfish.
he should be giving more to you.it seems like you've been putting in some effort.
tell him that if he doesn't even try to be with you, then maybe you guys shouldn't be together at all.

[*Duchess of Dork*]

Move on. :)

Honestly, you're young, you're a sweet girl from what I can tell, you're intelligent and absolutely beautiful. You can do better than this, I think you know that.

[AngelinaTaylor]

You're not being selfish, sweetpea. He's not giving enough, end of story. Either talk to him about it or say "bye-bye."

It's hard, but doable. :)

[Hiphop d[-_-]b]

You're not being selfish, sweetpea. He's not giving enough, end of story. Either talk to him about it or say "bye-bye."

It's hard, but doable. :)

Talk to him. If he's still too selfish to tear himself away from the people he's already had 18 years with then he's not being fair to you.

[Bitterissweet]

aww You're not being selfish your boyfriend is. I'm not saying is that THIS IS WHATS GOING ON but sometimes when guys BARELY spend time with their girlfriend or they keep using the same excuse over and over because they know you'll fall for it they might be cheating on you or they might be somewhere else. >< I know its hard but.. I suggest you talk to him or call him when hes at his family thing and listen to the background or something who knows. You might find something strange.

[cassjamminx]

He's just clueless sometimes when it comes to priorities.

tell him when you feel that way then, because then maybe he'll learn not to do it again if you mention it when it's actually happening rather than pretending everything is okay. don't let him get away with something that's bothering you.

[angelrevelation]

You're not being selfish at all... He's not putting any effort into your relationship, and he's making no sacrifices, as little as they'd be (one night away from his parents).

You should have a talk with him about it. Considering it's been quite a while, if he doesn't change quickly, I'd say dump him.

[me1issaaaa]

Update: so he came over today and we had a long four hour talk, full of tears and such. We've agreed to work through this, because neither of us want to end things. We understand that we've taken each other for granted, in different ways. We both, however, are compromising on different areas and we're trying to get through everything and come out stronger... taking things one day at a time. Thanks so much for the help, though, everyone. You have no idea how much I appreciate hearing everyone's different opinions and such.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see, huh? I'm trying not to have as many expectations, and he's trying to give more. One day at a time.

[*x1227x*]

^ that's good to hear & no problem

[HakunaMatata]

I'm so happy for you! I was going to say to just talk to him, since you said that he just needs to work on his priorities and that overall the relationship is good. I hope everything will work out for the best.

[marzipan]

That's awesome, Melissa.

[me1issaaaa]

Thanks, loves

[cassjamminx]

Update: so he came over today and we had a long four hour talk, full of tears and such. We've agreed to work through this, because neither of us want to end things. We understand that we've taken each other for granted, in different ways. We both, however, are compromising on different areas and we're trying to get through everything and come out stronger... taking things one day at a time. Thanks so much for the help, though, everyone. You have no idea how much I appreciate hearing everyone's different opinions and such.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see, huh? I'm trying not to have as many expectations, and he's trying to give more. One day at a time.

that's good to hear