My 12 year old brother is stuck in man's body., I need help making a life changing decision. Options

[msladyliberty]

My 12 year old brother is stuck in man's body.

WARNING: Long entry. Comments from the eldest of the family are greatly appreciated.

My brother is actually [b]20 years old[/b]...but his responsibilities, his maturity, his common sense is of a 12 year old little boy. When I was 15, I carried out more responsibilities and independance more than he has in his lifetime. And I'm just praying for a miracle that one day he'll "get the effin' picture."

It's hard for me to change my brother. I put all my patience and time for him and for our family, hoping that one day he'll "grow up." What really makes it harder for him, is that my mom can't see him being a responsible or reliable person. She's always asking me to do his tax returns, fill out his financial aid applications, and do majority of the cleaning around the house because her excuse is: "He doesn't know how to do it." or it's: "He's not mentally mature enough like you are, so he can't handle it."

He's not a bad boy (I can't call him a man, 'cause he isn't). He goes to school fulltime and has a great job that pays well which helps pay for our bills. He has a great personality too. But he's SO irresponsible, unreliable, un-independant, and very lazy.

Here's a list of things that annoy about him:

-doesn't take the initiative to do anything!
-does things ONLY when told.
-does the job, but does it poorly! (I think on purpose)
-always has to get approval from "mommy"
-has no common sense.
-it takes 3+ days for him to dig a hole or put furniture together.
-has an excuse for EVERYTHING!
-doesn't like to share with me, even when I share everything!
-doesn't offer to pay for things, when he makes more than I do.
-can't keep things neat.
-he's 6'0'' and weighs 270lbs...he's afraid to walk 4 blocks to work @ 4 am because he's afraid of getting "mugged."
-sleeps 10+ hours a day, but claims to be too tired to clean the yard.


My Point:

I have tried, I have been patient, I try to be reasonable, I try to understand...but it seems like my efforts, my time is being wasted, because my own mother chooses to see her 20 year old son as a little boy.

The possible solution:

I want to move out! I'm 22 years old, I'm taking very advanced classes in school, and I need my space!! Besides, if I move out...it would benefit my brother greatly. He has not choice but to pull his weight around the house. He'd FINALLY learn something!

So why not do it?

My mom has a tendancy to put the guilt trip on me. She did sacrifice her retirement money to move us away and help us pay for school (well, I go to school for free actually-financial aid). She cooks majority of the time and cleans when she can. I feel like I owe her. She makes me feel like I owe her. People in our family have abused her charity, and I don't want to be another "back-stabbing" family member.

My boyfriend and I can't stand living with my family (boyfriend lived with us for 3+ yrs). My mom is a pack rat. She can't even keep her own room tidy. She's constantly buying things, that we don't have any room for! I don't think she can accept the fact that I have a mind of my own and is disappointed at times when I won't agree with her. (My brother ALWAYS agrees)

For cryin' out loud! I'm 22 years old! And I can wipe my own ass!!

I need to grow up! I know I can handle it! I know how to pay bills, make appointments to see my OBGYN, take my own ass to school, I pay car insurance, turn in paperwork on time...etc.

I mean, I've been doing it since I was muther-effin' 16! How many 16-year olds can say that they do that with out their mommy "reminding" them.

My brother can't even do half that ish on his own. If anything, I DO IT FOR HIM, because my MOM MAKES ME DO IT!

QUESTION:

How do you break it down to a mommy like mine, that you want to move out?

or

Do ya'll think I'm being selfish and ignorant for deciding to move in with my boyfriend and help the both of us out instead of helping my mom out? So I should stick it with my mommy, even it if kills me.

Be honest!!

The solution seems obvious, but maybe my rage is blinding me from seeing the situation from a different prospective. So that's why I'm asking for help...because I am pissed, and being pissed blocks a lot of logical thinking.

Thank you for your time.

[ariana8716]

well my opnion is coming from how i understood the story,
but i think you should stick with your brother and mom until your brother knows responsibility or help teach him.
i would feel really bad if i left my mom with him without any help because with her paying bills & working she might not ever have enough time to deal with my brother, even being 22.
i understand you have a life of your own but he's your brother and he's a little different from other's and you just need to be there for him.

if you won't feel any regret in leaving then,that's your dicision.

hope this helped,
the story was a little confusing,so sorry if i didn't understand it right.

[*salcha4u*]

It's all about self discipline. Only your brother is allowed to help himself, so let him. If he doesn't pay his bills on time then let that be a lesson to him. He'll learn from consequences and mistakes....and thus that is how we evolve into young men and women.

[xforgottenlove]

well.. to be totally honest, i don't think it's a bad idea to move. in fact, i think it's a great idea [: i mean, your mom and your brother won't die without you [ at least i hope not ? justkidding ;D ] and it'll be a good change for them AND yourself. it'll also be the best for your brother, who from your description, is certainly like a very little boy. so overall, i think if you move out, it'll benefit everyone. and you can still help support your mom by maybe sending over money every once in a while. good luck with your decision [:

[clarity]

wtf? dude that boy needs help!
i'm sorry if that offended you.
grrr, i've seen people like that.
it's kind of disgusting, i feel sorry that you have to live with him doing this to you.
but seriously.. take him to a therapist or something.

edit
you should totaly move.
or atleast start refusing to do stuff for him.

[Joss-eh-lime]

i seriously think you should move out.
I think you'd feel a whole lot better getting out of that situation so you can help from the outside. You can still do little things for your mom. But you are her daughter, you cant do everything for her.

I'm tellin you, my grandma was really needy and my mom did whatever she could but it just never was enough.

But does your brother have an actual problem? Or is he jsut lazy? i wasnt sure..

[blacknailpolish]

You should definetly move out (and I'm the oldest...you wanted my opinion). Your brother needs to know that he can't keep getting you to do his stuff for him. I sounds like he's using you to prolong growing up as long as he can. Moving out will hopefully jolt him back to reality and let him see that he can't get away with just making you his slave.

[timeflies51]

Oh, I definitely think you should move out. You're not being selfish at all, you deserve it. It's about time your brother learns to be an adult, this should jerk him to reality. And I think your mother will understand. She should be proud that she raised a daughter to be as responsible and as caring as you sound.

[Mr. Slowjamz]

this is very scary because it sounds exactly how me and my sister and family are going through right now .( are we related ???? lol ) i would imagine my sister having the same EXACT feelings that you`ve written down and the same exact opinions that you`ve made . i could really understand that . coincidently my sister is only a year and a half older then me . yet from you and your brothers ages were only seperate from a 2 year gap ... im 19 shes turnin 21 . And your mom is excatly like my mom , shes a very hard-workers and try to puts up with the family time to time . shes also a shopaholic and loves to buy alot of things for no apparent reason , i guess because she wants the house to look nice .

i dunno, myself because this sounds pretty darn relative to the problems i`m kinda facing right now.

i must admit i have problems with my sister , and she has problems with me .

and honestly with Gods truthfullness , i can closely resemble your bro .... i can be pretty lazy , annoying and doesnt take the initiative in specific things . party i guess because im sensitive .im sensitive and vulnerable.... ohh how i`m really vulnerable over rowdy conversations . it can be the truth it can`t but w/e the reason not only your bro but your whole family is really in a depressed state .

sigh........ you know... im might say maybe your giving a hard time to your brother...im just guessing , based on my experience and how i feel on my sister . my sister always gives a hard time on me . Your brother might be pretty sensitive and vulnerable and only does things when hes interested or when hes driven which is a good thing. but some people are like that . He can be deprived over harsh things you might have said or have not .

We`ve had a talk with one of our family Dr`s who came in our house a few months ago . She exaplained how everyone has there own story. And that no set of ones persons feelings isnt more important then the rest and should be dealth with . She told us that its important to take some sort of break and take a time off together She explained how sometimes Sacrifice is part of the way to deal with things ....and that usually someone in the family would be able to sacrifice the problems . She explained how everyone has there own opinions and is being selfish ...that noone is really being considerate or hasnt shown the appropiate feelings toward each other . Thats how Depression sets in for everyone , it goes by person to person . She explained how everyone has there own flaws , negative sides ....and should be understood in a way not too cause more grieve but to give in and have faith over it and give into acceptance.........she has defined that as (unconditional love ) . thats where it takes sacrifice . it can take alot of sacrifice for one person or for everyone . but usually this type of therapy could be hard , even for my sister who is kind of a non-believer who wants easy and fast results.

this is kinda deeo for me cause its true too.


i got a quote :


I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. That is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.

Martin Luther King Jr.


i guess its everyones fault ...its practically not your bro to blame on everything ....you just havent given him his needs and he hasn`t given it to you . he might feel as though he needs more encouragement on what hes doing and needs more appreciation to things hes done . and you might as feel as though you need it as well . you could be less effective by that . your mother as well might feel the same way . and you might have given her a hard - time in which she hasnt recognized you . An i guess she expects more from you because your older ....hehe . And should be more understanding .

I guess she expects that you act totally differently to your brother ...in a way that you look at your brother differently ..not as a sign of hating him ...but as a sign of understandng of [i]whats good[/i] in him .

my mother explained to me the good qualities i have . very generous, thoughtful and is very kind-hearted . she explains that i have a good heart.

my sister doesn`t really recognize this of me .

i guess if you see the good in a person you would feel less stressed out . and problems could be solved with less tension . thats just my opinion . but if your not that type of person to deal with that type of things ...and its not in you too change the way you look at your brother , its ok . i advise you should seek a consouler and talk it through with your family . talk to your brother . ask him how he feels . talk to your mother . and get up family meetings .

moving could be a good option as well....he might feel less burdened overe you being older ...and always taking rules over you ..and could feel uplifted over that . hopefully you dont have other siblings in the house . that benefits you as well ...because it gives you stress - free and you dont have to deal with his problems . but i wouldnt know how your relationship or feelings would change over time ... i havent experienced that cause im still living in the same roof .....anyways im moving to Boston soon anyway myself ...so that should be less stressful for her .

if you wanna talk you can pm me a message or aim me at mjusiiq..if you want i can hook you up with my sister ...haha . but anyways hope all will be well God Bless .

[LOWinSKANK]

My OLDER sister is the same way. Except for the fact she's 22, pregnant, bf is in jail & has 2 part time waitressing jobs & has the chance to move out of her moms house but doesnt. But that's another story.

Your mother NEEDS to understand you need your own life too. If it would help her cope with the fact that you need to get out of there, go visit a few times a week. But otherwise, you've done your part. You have TRIED to "fix" your brother. But the only thing he needs is a reality check, and the ONLY person who could give that to him is, his mother. Not you. If you mvoed out, SHE'd have to feel bad & do his stuff for him. And she WOULD get tired of it.
The only thing he needs to learn is that people won't do everything for him his whole life.

[*Uronacid*]

It sounds like you're just getting tired of baby-sitting him... you should stop, and let his life go down hill... he may need to learn from experience, but that doesn't mean that you can't give him a little advice along the way. Let him learn the hard way. That's tough... he's 20 years old, so he will probably complain that you are being a jerk not doing the things you regularly do for him. Just ignore it, and let him learn to accomplish things on his own.

[msladyliberty]

I appreciate all the comments!

I especailly thank those who understand and have older brothers/sisters or younger brothers/sisters.

Financially, I know my mom and brother can handle living together between the 2 of them. My brother and I get paid similarly per hour (I just make .50 more), yet he works 10 more hours/wk than I do.

My mom still recieves child support for my brother. Mine stopped last year. On top of that, my dad still owes my mom about $20K for not supporting us for almost 2 years. So even when child support stops for my brother, they'll still be recieving child support for the both of us. Mom just puts our child support on the side for savings & she saves my brother's earnings as well.

So sometimes, I think I give my mom too much money/month. Considering that she makes a pretty decent amount. I think my mom knows that I think that way...because I "KNOW" how much money is coming in and coming out.

I would never think of leaving my family if I knew first and foremost, that it isn't financially possible.

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My brother's actual problem is being LAZY.

Yesterday, my brother and I took my mom's car to the gas station to put some air in her tires. It was about 98 degrees outside (we live in Las Vegas), but we're under the shade. So my brother starts to fill the LEFT front & rear tire and STOPS!

He says to me, "Lib, it's too HOT outside! I can't finish it."

So I say, "You've only been out for like 5 mintues! I know you're sweating and it's hot or whutever, but you can't let the car be UN-BALANCED?!"

So his response was (you'll love this one), "It's too hot to finish Lib, I'm gonna get a HEAT STROKE!"

I SCREAMED! and got my ass out of the car and said..."GAWD!!! I can never ask you do to a MAN'S JOB!"

Then he gives this sad look and insists that he does it. But I told he's effin too late! That I don't want my 6'0'', 270lbs brother get a heat stroke!

It was HOT, I was SWEATY...but I checked every damn tire and filled up all 4 (because the one's he did was half ass!) No heat stroke!

That's LAZINESS right there. ALWAYS has an excuse NOT to do it.

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My mom takes HIS SIDE.

On MONDAY, it was my boyfriend's birthday. My brother had asked if he could use our truck to go to work at 4:00 am. Since my bf's car is standard (I'm auto-magic only), we wanted to use the truck so that he can get wasted.

So I told my brother that we weren't too sure what time we'll be back (usually at 4am or 5am when we go drinking). So I ask him if it was alright if he can walk to work (4 blocks away, a 30 sec. drive). Then he starts getting PISSED.

He suggests that I take my mom to work (she starts at midnight) and pick her up at 8 am. So that he can use my mom's car to drive just 4 BLOCKS (30 sec drive!!!!!!) to work. He says it's either that or take a cab.

So I still suggest that he EFFIN' WALKS! But he says, It's too dangerous out there. What if he gets mobbed by a gang? Or someone mugs him? He says that it's his last night ALIVE if I let him walk to work.

So I say, "Who would be stupid enough to mug a 6'0'', 270 lbs man at 4am? Besides, I thought you aint scared of nobody! You don't even LOOK LIKE YOU GOT MONEY!"

So he runs to his mommy...and MOMMY says: "Honey, 4am is too early for him to be walking to work. Just drop me off and pick me up at 8."

I just LOST MY FRICKEN MIND RIGHT THERE!

So I CUSS HIS ASS OUT and call him a pus...and f word, muther-f words...

Mom, got pissed...made by brother give me $20 to pay for gas (which is the FIRST time he's ever given me money to pay for gas) and yelled at me and made me feel really stupid and shameful for forcing my brother to "walk to work at 4am!"

So I get home at 6am, wake up at 7:30am...get back home at 9:30 'cause there was traffic...then, started work at 12:00pm. And I'm doing this with a MILD HANG-OVER. (4 beers and a shot)

Since MONDAY, I haven't talked to him.

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I really do try to be a good sister.

When he didn't have a job and wanted to go out with his friends, he'd get $20 from my mom...and I'd give him another $20...EVERYTIME he went out.

When he didn't have his license, I drove him EVERYWHERE he wanted or needed to go. (he JUST HAD his driver's license 3 months ago)

I would thank him for washing the dishes and taking out the trash (which he ONLY does upon request).

We have had MANY MANY MANY HEART 2 HEART conversations on how to improve...how much it hurts...and how I need his help. Thankfully....those conversations are worth 2 weeks of his dedication..then he's back to being LAZY AGAIN.

I ask him to do things...NICELY. I give him the WHOLE DAY to vaccum JUST THE LIVING ROOM. Yet, he won't do it till 3 days AFTER I've asked him.

I have done the yelling...tough Love...whutever....DOESN'T WORK.

I have tried being NICE...appreciate him more...DOESN'T WORK.

I have tried giving him TIME, in fact...a whole day to do simple task...DOESN'T WORK

I have tried to TEACH him how to do things RIGHT....even if he doesnt get it
the first time, I show him and make him do it over and over....yet he GIVES UP,
GET'S ANGRY, and argues that I always think he never DOES THINGS RIGHT.

I know I've been fair (fair is giving him a week to do ONE THING)...and have been patient with him. But his excuse is...

"IF YOU THINK I DO A SUCH A BAD JOB...WHY DON'T YOU DO IT THEN?!" bull

I can never teach him how to do things right...no matter how nice I try to be.

I swear...I think he does things "HALF-ASS" just so he doesn't have to do it at all.

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Sorry so long

[iROCKYOURSOCKS]

wow gurl you love to type dont you? lol well anywayz i really think that you should stop doing things for him..the more you do things for him the more hes gonna be lazy and count on you all the time. you should seriously have a talk with your mom and tell her that you are not always gonna be there to hold your brothers hand and do everything for him. and if it doesnt change just move out and dont worry about your brother life experiences will give him a rude awakining. but he has to learn to do stuff on his own no matter how he may beg and cry for you to do stuff for him dont.

piss him off and call him a little baby and buy him a bib and when he asks something to drink buy him a baby bottle and put warm milk in it. lol

[msladyliberty]

^ Yea...I got much to say about it!

I mean, I've tried talking to my mom about it. But it seems like she doesn't think he's mentally mature enough to take on the "real world." I try to tell her to stop making me do things for him and to realize he's muther effin' 20...and not 12.

Still, it seems like I can't win. Because she still insists that my lil brother is not capable enough, not mentally focused, driven, serious, or have any kind of common sense to analyze anything.

She thinks, that he needs help...when I've patiently tried to help him. But he just takes us for granted. I definitely agree with those who say I should move out. At least, he'll know that he has no choice BUT TO DO THINGS on his own...and just deal with it.

[alienshards]

This seems the sort of thing that "Dear Abby" would deal with. She would undoubtable suggest some sort of counseling or support group for your brother and/or mother, and tell you to move out.

Your brother certianly needs help, but there is only so much you can do. Try to find if there is a group out there that can help with this sort of thing. If not, maybe try your college advisor. It isn't thier job description, but they'll most likely help find a solution.

If all else fails, write "Dear Abby". It wouldn't hurt to try.

[ariana8716]

yeah, forget my first damn post.

moveeeeeee.

[*liquidize*]

Do ya'll think I'm being selfish and ignorant for deciding to move in with my boyfriend and help the both of us out instead of helping my mom out? So I should stick it with my mommy, even it if kills me.

Yes. stick your mom, and make your boyfriend pay the bills! MAke him take the responsibilities of your brother because he is living YOUR family.

[*Uronacid*]

Yeah, there's only so much you can do... you need to move out... ugh, my friend jeremy is going through the same thing it's like he does everything for his family... His father passed away when he was young and they got paid by the goverment (the the checks weren't late or anything), but it's like both his brother and his mother use him for everything... If you can support yourself. MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE, in fact I suggest you move out of the state... get away from the sitiuation, and become succesful. Maybe goto a college outside the state you live in.

your family is holding you back from being as successful as you can possibly be, and you (by staying in the house) aren't teaching your brother anything... you're doing everything for him... If you think aout it, it would be more loving to move out, and teach him the hard way.

[Mr. Slowjamz]

Yeah, there's only so much you can do... you need to move out... ugh, my friend jeremy is going through the same thing it's like he does everything for his family... His father passed away when he was young and they got paid by the goverment (the the checks weren't late or anything), but it's like both his brother and his mother use him for everything... If you can support yourself. MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE, in fact I suggest you move out of the state... get away from the sitiuation, and become succesful. Maybe goto a college outside the state you live in.

your family is holding you back from being as successful as you can possibly be, and you (by staying in the house) aren't teaching your brother anything... you're doing everything for him... If you think aout it, it would be more loving to move out, and teach him the hard way.

yea but the problem with is with the lack of values to love your family , the things that i`m afraid of is that once you move , you totally forget where you came from , why your here , and who took care of you from the beginning ....sometimes you should be considerate to what your family has done ....no matter how much you hate them ...its like touch with the people who are most close to you when your alone .....these are some problems that america is facing today ....there losing there core values of family ...you see brothers and sisters having arguments between money as too which is his and whats hers ....uncles stealing college money from his nephews , and people just diresgarding there elder parents out in a nursing , where you just leave her be , never has the chance to visit , never cares , because they`d rather wallow on the luxuries instead of indearing people . Tell me , who are you gonna turn too if your mentally sad and disspaointed when you have all this money , yet in some sort of way , your still not happy OR Satisfied . this is the difference between western core values , and eastern core values . and this the Problem with AMerica ....and how its too exploited with things . ..they can`t be simplistic ......theres no joy of being simplistic

im sort of semi-traditional , i just can`t see my parents who have worked there ass off left at a rotten place . thats what im afraid off .

i think you should move out , it gives you time , to set your own plans , gain self-esteem , and feelings , it helps you gain confidence back in yourself , and have the enrgy to do whatever you want . yet when your out there doing what your doing , don`t always forget who brought you here.........i see my mom cry everyday because she regrets diregarding my grandmother in her younger years .

[lalalaLANUH]

If you're mother thinks he needs help and you've done all the helping you can, get you're brother a support group. Couch Potatos Anonymous. My brother is quite similar to you're brother. I belive the only thing keeping him back from acting like you're brother is the fact that my mother pushes him. Since you've already had many talks with both mother and brother and nothing seems to be changing, I say move out and try signing him up for couseling or something.

[PrincessAda]

I don`t think your being selfish.I think you should reallyyy talk to your family(including the brother)about this and see their opinions.

[msladyliberty]

^ Thank you for your comment about the value of "family."

I too have been working my ass off as well. When my parents divorce (me at 15), I got a job as soon as I turned 16 years old to bring some income into the house hold. I saved up $2k (not much, but I worked part-time) to help put a down payment on an apt. in Las Vegas.

For 2 years, I worked 3 jobs (all part-time) AND went to school full-time. Even if my mom is still recieving child-support, and working a great full-time job...my brother wasn't old enough to work.

So...with the absence of my father...I was forced to take on many responsiblities at a young age.

Even then...when I worked my ass off...I have been thinking about moving out (@ 19), because I didn't think it was FAIR...that my brother sits around the house...making a MESS...and leaving me to do it...because my mom claims that HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO. My brother gives me an excuse why he can't wash the dishes, why he can't clean up the yard, why he can't dig a hole in the damn yard...etc.

I argue about it...but I can't win...because my brother does a lousy job on purpose...so that my mom ASKS ME / MAKES ME do it and not him.

I love my family...I love my mom especially...but I try to talk to her...I try to tell her that he's old enough to take on more resposibilities...but her excuse is..."He's not mature enough or driven enough as I am."

So you see...I want to move on...learn to live on my own...give my brother a chance to grow up and be a man...because my mom NEVER asks him to take on big household duties (takes out trash only!)...because my boyfriend and I are living there. My brother SHOULD be the man of the house...but my mom says he's too immature for it. 20 years old for crying out loud!

I have sincerely tried. really I have....I can go on and on about how much I have...but it seems like my mom can't get the picture. I try talking to my brother...I cry for help, but it can't process in his head. The "talk" works for a good 2 weeks...then he's back to his OLD WAYS.

I think it's my fault in the first place, to have given him allowances $40/wk, doing majority of household chores...i teach him...but he can't get it. I swear..he does stuff so sloppy and lousy just so my mom can make me do it.

So if he's got mom on his side...I can't win. Because he knows I won't disobey her.

I don't want my brother to RELY on his mom or RELY on his older sister to his things for him.

But I do know the value of family...so I don't plan on moving too far...just down the street. I just wish I could specify more on how miserable it has been for me to live in our home.

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Oh my boyfriend is the man of the house. He pays half on groceries and rent.
-and does auto maintenance (which my brother wouldn't want to learn)
-cleans the yard
-cleans the livingroom, our bedroom, does his own shiiiiiiet...etc.

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EDIT:

Oh...yea...and my mom always asks my boyfriend to do the MAN stuff around the house...'cause she admits my brother can't do it either.

my mom relies more on my boyfriend and I than my brother.