Createblog Diary, Version 8.0 Options

[*stephinika*]

originally started by faithin_felix.

You guys know how it works.




Dear CB diary,

Wow, it's been awhile since I've been in here. Europe was absolutely amazing, but I'm sad to be home. I missed my own bed and Adrian but other than that...I want to go back. I miss it so much. Now that I'm home, there's so much stress and so many stupid things to do...ugh, its driving me crazy. Fiddler practice yesterday was so frustrating because people are so stupid. At least I saw Adrian. That was absolutely wonderful. I love just being with him. I missed him so much. It made me so happy that he came to the airport to see me when I got back. It was a lovely surprise. It really was. Got sick when I got home though for a few days which really sucked. I'm feeling better now though...still tired. I want to see him again. I can't help being so...attached. I just love being with him and everything so much. We need to makeup for the time I wasn't here...

[*lolita kitty*]

dear cb diary,

yesterday was so fun.
i wont type it out again, but yeah. i mean, dads dont get married all that often.
the thought that joy is going to move in with us scares me, though. i didnt like her to begin with, i still dont like her.
im still at courtneys.
dads going on his honeymoon with her next week.
friggen jamaica.
lucky bitches.

- cassie

[*Phoenixx*]

Dear Cb Diary,

Lately I have been very tired and have no motivation to do anything. I keep avoiding my friends but they don't get that I do not like hanging out with them. Don't get me wrong. I really like my friends. They're caring and nice but so mundane. They hang out every night and do the same thing. Couples make out on couches and the others sit around and talk/dance/watch a movie. Sometimes I can't take it though I know it's wrong. I should appreciate and care for my friends// just be thankful that I have them. I like sitting at home watching movies and listening to music. I'd rather do that then waste another night watching my friends make out. Does this make me a bad person?

Also, I have a friend who is so well off. Her parents work hard for her yet she has to be upset all of the time. Nothing ever works out for her and she is so d*mn narcissistic. I can't hold coversations anymore because she is the only one talking. Whenever I try to say something she has to bring herself into it and I know she only cares about what I have to say so she can relate with her own experiences. She is always unhappy. She has a wonderful life yet she doesn't appreciate it.

I don't know.

[*jooleeah*]

dear createblog diary,
i hate knowing that i'll never be content. there's always, always something about myself or someone or something that's not good enough and unsatisfying. why? why is it so hard for me to be fine with who i am? i'm wondering that after this dieting and working out thing...once i get my body "toned", will i even be happy? will all that hard work go to waste? that's so stupid how i think once my physical appearance turns good, i'll be so much "happier".
i have the greatest friends in the world. they're so amazing. they're just such great people. they're ALWAYS there if i need them. am i the same? am i just as good as a friend? i'm worried that i'm not. i'm so f**king selfish. i hate selfish people. that just makes me a hypocrite, doesn't it? god.
i wish i had motivation. i wish i would put more effort into things. it's like..i just dont' care about things anymore. it's so terrible. so sad. blarrrr.
i wish i had a person to love as well. not friend like..but..you know. i just keep on watching these soap operas and reading all these love stories..and it makes me yearn for a type of love that they have. all of it is fake, though..right?

ahh. i'm just rambling. i'm so disappointed in myself.

[Teesa]

Dear CB Diary,

So, not much has changed since my last entry. Well, Baba and Ma have stopped fighting. They can't go more than seven days without speaking to each other. Then they realize they can't live without each other. It just sucks that they need a fight to come to that conclusion. But whatever. I love them with everything I've got.

Thank goodness for Spring Break. I love it so far.

Went down to Fort Collins. EH. I'm choosing Boulder I guess. It seems weird talking about college. Hm.

Also went to an Indian party after a while. I love the people's house we went to. So nice and so cute. Mm, also watched my NCAA bracket crumble quite a bit. I gave Dada a 5 minute sportscaster commentary in OT on the Uconn v. George Mason game. Lol, I gotta do that for a living.

I also haven't seen him in a month. So, it's totally dumb of me to still be talking about him when I think I've kind of even forgot his lovely face. But I have come to the conclusion that I just have to go back and work there. If I don't, the reason would be because of him, which is very dumb of me. So, that's that. UGH. I want a boy. Kind of.

--Teesa

[*stephinika*]

Dear CB Diary,

God I love him. I keep having funny daydreams though of the future...but we have talked about it and things are working amazingly right now. He's my world...I don't know what I'd do without him...especially if he has to move away...agh. I really hope he doesn't.
In the meantime, life isn't so bad. A bit stressful, but meh.

[*islandgirl4eva*]

Dear cB diary,

I'm so happy that April is right around the corner. I've pretty much had enough of this school for a while and I'm ready for summer. Ready for a change. I still have my ups and downs, but I'm trying really hard to stay optimistic. For every dark cloud there is a silver lining. It helps to remember that.

More details later. For now, it's nap time

[me1issaaaa]

Dear CB Diary,


SOMEBODY ASKED ME TO PROM.

[*chaneun*]

Dear cB diary:

I want to move out.. now. I don't care if my family misses me or not, I just don't care. I told them that I don't want to go to Princeton for college, then they get all mad. And they wonder why I don't want to go to college instate, when I do go.
Ugh.
edit;; Only Angie knows what I'm talking about.

[flc]

Dear cB Diary,

My birthday's in five days. =)

I had a great time with Dom. He's a sweet guy but I wish he would take me to prom. -_-

- Francesca

[*stephinika*]

Dear cB diary,

Not now. Not today. I did NOT need this. I hate her. I absolutely hate her. I've honestly never in my entire life been quite this jealous. I used to be her friend. Now...she's gone but it haunts me. I just get this horrid gut feeling whenever she's around him and I can't stand it. And he's going tonight. He's going. When I found out, I hoped and prayed he wouldn't be able to or just not go...but he is and I can't do anything about it. He's going. If she lays a hand on him...augh. This is breaking me. Today of all days, I can't take this. I'm at my breaking point as it is, this just shoved me right off the edge. I want her to leave. And I vaguely remember a statement of her going there for university...if they both did, I would shoot myself.

[iDecay]

Dear cB diary,

So, today sucked. SHE was flirting again, and again, ignoring me. It pisses me off so much. I just want to strangle her! After school, Bryant, Max, and I went to Lucy's house. It started out fine, we put our things away, ate, watched some television, did our project. Then, Lucy's sister interupted. I swear, that little brat ruins everything. We stopped on our project because of her. So, Max and Bryant were playing around with our phones and taking pictures, then, it happened. Lucy took Bryant's phone out of curiosity and looked through it. Earlier, she had entered her phone number into Bryant's adress book. Erica, Max, Maxim, Tina, everyone was there, except for who? LUCY. I know she really liked him, but she was just heartbroken. She wasn't even on his address book. He deleted her from it. Why? I have no idea. The rest of the time, everything went downhill. Lucy and I were sending each other messages back and forth while Max and Bryant 'played around' with Lucy's sister. I felt so sorry for her. Max and Bryant were so clueless.. So, we finally finished (WITHOUT ANY OF BRYANT'S HELP AT ALL :stuborn:) and it was time to go. Max's dad came and drove him home. Lucy's dad went drove Bryant and I home. The carride was really.. I don't know.. Weird.. Lucy kept talking to me about it and Bryan't just acted clueless.. I finally got home, relaxed. Ah, home sweet home..

[*jooleeah*]

dear cb diary,
no.
i can't.
i won't.
but i will. goddamnit, i have to.

[silver-rain]

Dear CB Diary,

Meh. Today wasn't such a great day... Rejected from Columbia. My dream school. The school I had such great plans to attend. The school that I knew I had to go to ever since I got into the middle school I wanted to. The school that I love. I love walking around the campus. I love exploring the buildings. I just love so much about it. And now, there's nothing I can do. I can always try to transfer next year. Sigh. I am so disappointed in myself.
Waitlisted at Cornell. Supposedly the easiest ivy to be admitted to. If I couldn't get accepted, this reflects on me too. The colleges claim that these rejects don't mean that I'm stupid... but it just hurts so much. Everything I've been working for was for Columbia. I really hoped to see myself one day on the campus that I would always visit. But I guess that's the problem... All I had was hope. But what use is that than to create false pretenses.
This really hurts so much. The worst pain I have felt. Coupled with the reflections published in the paper of the two Stuy students that died, I just couldn't stop crying today.
Eh, I guess there's always NYU.

[AngelinaTaylor]

Dear cb diary:

I wish he cared.. I really do. Even a friend that I vaguely know cared more about me yesterday than he has for the past few weeks.. and it shouldn't be like that.

Taylor``

[Teesa]

Dear CB Diary,

This spring break flew by so fast and I feel like there's still so much to get done. I guess there is a lot still left of my high school career.

I think there's something wrong with me. I don't like hanging out with my friends much anymore. I get bored and tired really easily. It's not that they are the ones that are boring, it's just that I get bored with what we're doing, or not doing. Gosh, I love them to death, but I don't know. I feel disgusted with myself lying to everyone and saying I have other things to do when I really am doing nothing (except for sitting here typing out a CB diary entry ). I hate liars, and I am a hypocrite. I complain about not going out...when I can.

Gosh. It seems like there is something missing. Something lacking. I can't put my finger on it, but I know something's missing. Maybe I don't know what it is because I've never had it. Who knows? One thing I do know is, is that I'm tired. And bored. At this rate, I will have no friends. What a concept. I've lost interest in things I'm assuming. I hate high school, not that excited for college, and want things to change. I hate looking at the same things, being at the same places, hearing the same complaints, just a lot of things.

Something has to change. I've been telling myself this, the entire year. Maybe the change needs to come from me.

--Teesa

[*jooleeah*]

Dear Createblog Diary,
Legs ache.
Tired.
Sick of physical appearance.
Blah.
Blah.
Blah.

f**k. I'm in a bad mood. :[

[xTINAA]

Julia, I freaking love you. Talk to me if you feel like poo because I will try my hardest to cheer you up!!

Dear cB Diary,
I haven't written in a while, I'd say. Not that much has really changed or happened to me. Go figure.

So he's ignoring me. Why? I have no idea. I wish he'd at least talk to me to tell me why he's going to ignore me. That'd be nice. I can't not talk to him. It doesn't work like that. I can't not see him. It doesn't work like that. He needs to be a part of my life and I need to be a part of his as well. I don't get it. How can he just act like this and push everything away? It's the weed I tell you. It has to be. I've been watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind quite a lot and you know, it speaks to me. Even though they wanted their memories of each other to be erased, they end up realizing that they love each other and no matter the outcome, they still want those memories, etc. Why can't Phillip see that? Why can't he see that no matter how hard he tries everything that happened, happened, and the memories are important because soon that's all we'll have. I just want him. Is that so bad??

Prom is coming up. What a joke. I don't want to go. I want a date. I don't want a friend to take me as a friend. I want someone to take me as a date. I want Phillip. Again, Phillip, Phillip, Phillip. God, what are you doing??

Okay, enough, enough. Let's talk about this Spring Break. I spent more than half of it at home crying because of Phillip. (Ah, there I go again.) But then I started to go out starting Thursday night. That was fun, I suppose. Saturday night was pretty fun. Drinking a bit, going to the hookah bar, dancing, driving downtown to only turn around and come back home, watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again, and teepeeing that jerk's house.

Whatever, I guess this week was alright but I'm so sick of everything. Of people and all their stupid drama and even MY own drama and problems. Sick of it all. I just wanna go to college and get away from high school, parents, etc. And mostly I just want him. Ugh I hate myself because all I do is talk about him and think about him and god damnit even when I'm trying not to it still happens. What the hell...This sucks.

Man, and now that Spring Break is over I have so much shit to do. Brilliant Christina, bloody brilliant to leave it all to the last possible minute. Story of my life. I do everything wrong. Why do I even try anymore? I might as well just kiss that IB diploma goodbye. I don't even think I'll pass the tests anyway so all of this work just seems pointless when I could be doing other things like sleeping, though that is a pathetic way to spend my time. In fact, I think I'll go do that now. I don't know why but I just love sleeping. It's my favorite. It takes me away from this hell-hole world and I get to dream. In my dreams I can actually be happy.

I must sound insane...
-Me.

[Flavored Condom]

Dear CB diary,

I'm using my brother's computer right now. It's near since it's brand new (unlike mine). I love how the keyboard isn't as worn out as the one I usually use. All it needs is AIM and I can launch! Nothing much happened except the smell of Salmon is cooking.

I love Kingdom Hearts 2. There's just too many cut scenes, but I love it. I'm hoping on finishing it in less than a month (around April 25).

[*islandgirl4eva*]

Dear cB diary,

It's April, and as sad as I can be sometimes, I'm so happy it's here. Friday I went to the beach with Karen and it was wonderful. The breeze was warm and the sand felt so nice beneath my feet. I was a knee length, A-line skirt that day, and the way it blew to and fro in the wind made me feel free. I let my hair loose and felt as if I could fly. Oh, what I'd give to make that moment last forever.

How is it that you can feel, even smell, spring? As sure as I'm sitting here I can feel it in the air. I love it. Right now I've got both windows open wide. I want to take as much of it in as I can. I know that soon it'll be gone and summer will burn everything.

Last night was horrible. I've never felt so desperate in my life. Evan called me made me realize just how lonely I am. Do I give in? Do I let things go back to the way they were? I'm not sure anymore. I can't even remember why I hate him anymore. I can't remember how he broke my heart. All I see, all I hear, is the way he said my name and smiled at me. How he used to hold onto me as if he was holding onto life itself. I felt cherished. Thank goodness I talked to Dustin, Chrissy, and Kiera. I was alone in my room, in the dark, and it was storming outside. I felt so disconnected from life. It almost felt as if I would never feel the light again.

[*jooleeah*]

Chrissy, I love you more. Same to you if you're ever feeling down, okay?

Naomi, feel better. I know I can't do much :[ Don't let him bring you down.

Dear Createblog Diary,
So. New York has been alright. I just kind of wish that I had friends to hang out with here. I mean, I just met Frank, Amy, and Jason. They're all really nice people, but obviously I don't know them well. We don't have much to talk about, really...eh. I was hoping to get Jason more (since he's around my age), but NY kids are still in school. It sucks. Haha. I have to admit, he's cute. Anyway, hanging out with family isn't exactly the best thing to do, especially if my temper is high. -.- god. I was about to blow up at Henry and Mom today. They can be so frustrating. Dad's just crazy, Henry and Mom just walk off whenever they want, and Serina and Alex are insane. Their temper is x3987439847's worse than mine is. Seriously, they freak out when one little thing happens. It feels like I'm the only sane person in our family. AHH. And I am this close to becoming insane. >:[ BLAH.

Calling home and other kids that I normally talk to on the phone is nice and all, but I just feel like I'm bothering them. Like they have something better to do. I SHOULD have something better to do. I'm in freaking New York. But I can't go anywhere alone. I can't go out with friends since I don't have any here (or any that I can meet up/hang out with). Ah. It all just kind of sucks. Family is boring. Sorry.

I probably sound insane typing this. And selfish, too. People have always wanted to go to NY! -__- Why aren't I enjoying this? I mean, I am...but not as much as I hoped I would. Blah.

Okay, mom's here. Gotta go.
-Julia.

[*islandgirl4eva*]

Dear cB diary,

I should be having the time of my life right now. I should be so happy and carefree. Why do I feel so sick? Why do I hate myself? Honestly, I just want to leave and never come back. I just want to leave the world of material things and be lost where no one can find me. If it were to happen, maybe I'd find some purpose.

[*stephinika*]

Dear cB diary,

Why am I so constantly paranoid? Why godammit, why!? Fxck. I hate seeing him like this and feeling there's something he's not telling me...he promised me there's nothing and I trust him and that I'm just being stupid again but augh...I just keep getting that feeling, y'know? Then I see her tonight...I act nice but I want to just kill her. Then I saw those pictures...I feel like crying again. I've already talked to him about it and there's no point in this but I can't help it. I don't want to be like this! I hate being like this...it makes me so hateful, and angry and sad and it makes me hate MYSELF because I can't stand thinking and acting like this. Fcuk paranoid. Fxck it. Honestly. I just wish all could be well. Then I'm so stressed about school right now. I hate school. I really, really do. I just want to run away with him and be carefree. Really. I hope he actually likes the surprise I got him and that it all works out...I'm so impatient. I can't wait until August now. Ack. I need a vacation. I need him. I need to feel secure.

[NgocQuyen]

dear cB,
it's been awhile huh? well, nothing new. i just feel like i don't belong anywhere. i'm so out of place right now....i don't feel like myself. i guess all i can do at a time like this is just study hard and keep my grades up....

[*hello moto*]

dear cb diary,

i know this feeling all too well. unrequited love is the worst isn't it? why do i always seem to like the ones that probably will never return the same feelings? why do i even have hope for something that won't even last. why am i always the one sacrificing, and giving the most in any relationship? and why do they always leave me.

[GREASEbaby]

Dear cb Diary,

I'm such a dork. I need to get away from the computer because all I have to write about has to do with being online.

God, help me.

[*jooleeah*]

auntysandy: because boys suck. :[ the end. i love you sandy <333 tell me who's being a bastard because i'll e-bitch at them for you. you have been there for me and this time i'll be there for you =)

dear cb diary,
spring break will be over soon. that means i'll be back to hell in no time.

[KELLYYY]

Dear cB Diary,

Spring break! Anyway, the school year is coming to an end pretty soon. There are so many things I need to get together for the chinese school graduation. Can't wait.

Yee!

[*jooleeah*]

dear cb diary,
it amazes me how sometimes i spill my heart out onto this tiny little forum topic. i guess just don't care about how public this diary is. i just need my emotions to get out. anyway...

so i've come to realize that i overanalyze. i overanalyze A LOT. i put things into strong consideration before doing anything drastic..especially when it comes to boys. boys, boys, boys. goddamn. i realize that i'm too picky, and too choosy when it comes to liking someone. this is why i feel so lonely sometimes. this is why i'm almost never fully content. isn't that terrible? i wish i weren't like that. i wish it were like the old days where i didn't have to think too much about liking someone. i just know that i overanalyze because i want this "someone" to be perfect; no flaws. but isn't that impossible? why can't i fully understand that? i'm so fxcking difficult. this is so sad. oh so sad.

i also wish i weren't disappointed so easily. i hate disappointment. dissapointing others..disappointing myself...being disappointed in others. it just sucks. it really does. i expect things to get worse each time but when they actually do, i go even crazier or even more sad.

my personality sucks. bad qualities. blah. AHHH. i'm going to go insane.

[xTINAA]

Dear cB Diary,
Needless to say, I'm totally confused and torn. Go figure, right? Well I don't know anymore. I want him so badly. God, I want HIM no one else, just him. I love him. I miss him. Him, him, him. However the bastard doesn't get that and because he smokes so much damn weed, his brain is f**ked up. I can't sit here and constantly feel like shit because he doesn't seem to give a damn about me. I know he does, he has to, right? It hurts too damn much to think that he doesn't after everything but at the same time it hurts to think that he does and that he'd still do this. I dont' get it. You know, guys like me. Wow, right? Last night I made out with some basically random guy. Tonight this cute boy came up to me to tell me I was really cute. Other guys ask me out on dates. If other guys want me, how much more should he want me, y'know? We have a history together, we had so many great moments, so many memories, so much love, or so I thought... I don't know, I just don't get it. Part of me is like, okay, just leave it alone already. Go on dates with these other boys. Talk to other guys. Go out more. The other part of me is like, you can't. You need to wait for him. He needs you and he'll realize it soon. Just wait it out. Either way, both are so hard. I'm so torn. Either way I get hurt. EITHER WAY. It's a lose-lose situation. If I wait, I end up crying my eyes out every night. I end up feeling like shit and just constantly having him on my mind. If I don't wait though, he could come back and then I didn't wait...so it screws shit up more. And plus, everytime I am with another guy I can't help but wish it was him instead. Always, I always do that. It feels almost wrong to be with other guys because I feel like I'm cheating. Yeah, we aren't together but he has my heart still. I don't know what to do. I just know I'm sick of this but god damnit, I wish there was an easy f**king solution or that he would just come back already. I wish that I didn't fall so hard and that I didn't give him my heart. I should have held onto it like I was planning. I got myself into this. I hurt myself. I'm still hurting. Everyone gets their shit fixed. Look at those two. Drama, drama, drama, but they're still fine. Why aren't him and I fine?? WHY? Why does he f**k shit up so much? All he f**king does is smoke weed. I know why he does it. To get away from everything. To take away from all the pain and to make him feel "normal" and because every single one of his friends does it. I want to be there for him. Use ME to take away the pain, use ME to make you feel normal, Phillip. Why can't he just come back? Why does it have to be this hard? Why does God keep doing shit like this to me? Do you know I'm f**king angry with you God??? DO YOU KNOW? Of course you know - you know everything. Please, f**king enlighten me and tell me why you're doing this to me?! I dont' care about shit anymore except him. Maybe you're trying to teach me to stop caring so much about him but you're doing it the WRONG WAY. Why doesn't he miss me? I really don't get it. I must be a retard, right? I just don't understand. No one understands either. No one knows what's going on and everyone either tells me you gotta keep trying or to give the f**k up. It's not some clear cut bullshit answer like that, okay? If it was, I wouldn't have wasted, what?, seven months of my goddamned life feeling like this if I could fix it so easily like that. I just wish he'd talk to me. Why doesn't he want to talk to me? What is he thinking in that stupid, twisted, immature brain of his????? f**k THIS. I hate this. Yeah I do have fun. I can't say my whole entire life sucks. I get that I have these great friends and family. I GET THAT. I don't care. That means nothing to me when I have to live everyday knowing he doesn't want to talk to me and when I have to live everyday with this broken heart. UGHGhralkglkrjalkjgajklgrlakgj. And freaking prom. God damn. STOP WITH PROM. Leave me alone. I DONT WANT TO GO. OKAY? Get that through all of your heads and leave me alone. I'm not going in your group, I'm not going with you, I don't want to go dress shopping. Just stop. I'm not going unless I get a date and no one is going to ask me and besides I don't want to go with just anyone. Sorry I have standards and while I might sound a complete bitch I don't want to go with just a friend and I don't want to go with someone who is busted. SORRY. I don't even know what I'm ranting about anymore. My head is spinning because I'm so sad and angry and frustrated. I keep saying I can't wait til college but what about college? f**k, I'm still gonna be heartbroken. Diary, why is Phillip doing this?
-Me.

[*lolita kitty*]

Dear Cb Diary.

I hate the feeling of being new to this place. It makes me not want to come here anymore.

I hate moms slow computer. DSL sucks butt.

- Cassie

[*rtc_nospeakenglish*]

While walking to Church today with my phony mother and overly-religious grandmother, I realized I haven't got a clue what to do when life comes and smacks me across the face. I think it might come next year.

Wish me luck, yo.

[NgocQuyen]

dear cB,
i'm a terrible person. no really i am, i'll admit to it. i'm going to attempt to become nicer. a better person so you'd say. i don't like who i am now so i'm going to change it. simple. =]

[xTINAA]

Dear cB diary,
I can't stop crying. Please, I want to stop crying. I've been crying basically all day. This is stupid. I'm so stupid. Why is this happening? Why doesn't he want to talk to me? What did I do? Why? WHy is he ignoring me? I don't get it...what am I supposed to do? Why, God, why?? Why does everyone come back? He came back to her, he came back to her, he came back to her. Why do they all try to fix things? After all that time, he is trying to fix things with her. WHY? I don't get it. I can't stop crying over this. Over everything. I'm a failure, a screw up. I f**ked up everything. Not just things with him but with friends and with school. Just everything. f**k. I'm not going to get my IB diploma. God, I'm really not. f**k. I did this. Still, why? Why is he not talking to me...I love him and he doesn't even want to talk to me. Fuckkk. Why??
-Me.

[*lolita kitty*]

Chrissy
Ilu.

Dear cb diary,
I found this on myspace just now:

>SCORPIO
>Nice
>EXTREMELY sexy.
>Intelligent
>Energetic.
>Predict future.
>Most erotic.
>Freak in bed.
>GREAT kisser.
>Always get what they want.
>Sexy.
>Attractive.
>Loud.
>Loves being in long relationships.
>Talkative.

Haha. Awesome (I'm a scorpio, btw).

Just took 143980419814 pictures.
Blah.

- Cassie

[mylittleMiracle]

Dear cB diary,
i cant finish a simple step!just super simple but i still cant!=( i wana to cry because i must face the fact--im an idiot.my friends dont care for me and dont say ANYTHING.disappointed. i just want someone care for me...at least......

-Winnie

[maryissa]

Dear cB diary,

Afaid. Suckness Spring Break Ever!

Marissa

[*jooleeah*]

dear cb diary,
i hate it when i'm in this kind of mood.
i hate being f**king introspective. and i hate thinking about the damned past.
i hate feeling lonely. all the f**king time.

uhg.

you know, i finally realized why i've never had a serious boyfriend. it's because i'm too damned scared. scared that once he finds out that i'm not just that silly/friendly girl everyone thinks i am. scared that he's gonna find out that i'm just really a cold, mean, and bitchy girl on the inside. no boy could EVER prepare for that part of me. when i wish i just had someone to talk to, to be held, to be loved and all that shit, i realize that that's not reality. i don't think i'll ever find someone like that. it's seeming like it's impossible now.

sucks, doesn't it?
you know what else sucks?
pretending to be happy for someone else.
and you know what else?
these damned people keep on f**king bothering me to be "happy". i can't be happy if you're going to complain about how shitty i feel. i can't be happy if you keep on TRYING to f**king piss me off. i can't feel goddamned happy if you make fun of me. just shut the f**k up and leave me the f**k alone.

youknow, i look at all these girls at school when theyre passing by me through the hallways with their boyfriends. most of them are just whores and sluts [i use that word rarely] who go out with a different guy each day. what makes them so lovable? what makes them good enough to go out with? what makes them be good enough for their hands to be held, for the bodies to be hugged, for their boyfriends to say "i love you" to them each and every single day? am i just the kind of person who doesn't deserve that kind of stuff? am i not as lovable as they are? i'll admit it. i am jealous. but who wouldn't be when you're feelnig this damned lonely?

why can't i get that feeling where you like someone? i haven't liked someone in so long. what am i goddamned waiting for? nothing, i guess. i just don't find anyone i know around me interesting enough to like. no, it's not that. it's just..i don't like anyone. and it really sucks. AHSDKFHSDKHSDFKH.

i'm so bitter. it's terrible, isn't it?
whatever. i'm just ranting and being bitchy right now. i'll come back later.

[Teesa]

Dear CB Diary,

Hello. I guess right now, I am doing okay. Grades aren't the best, but I am just worrying about tests right now. I am hoping to pass all of them nicely.

I am really surprised that I got asked to prom. I was expecting to be single and be dancing with my friends like the past few years. But I am very happy to be going to it with him. He really is a great guy. I just don't know why he would ask me and not some other girl. But prom is really stressing me out right now. I thought I had a dress, but I want to find a better one, so I have to hit the stores again this weekend. I couldn't find anything today. It was so dumb and I am mad. But if I can't find anything this weekend, I'm sticking with my original dress, I guess.

Right after school, I went to drop off my camera. Whoo, I haven't been there in a while. I didn't see him, so right when I looked over, I saw him. Haha, it was kind of weird. So I couldn't leave without him seeing me as well. I walked over there and talked to some people and he kind of stopped by and left. *sighhhhhhhhhhhh* I hate life sometimes. I hate it a lot.

--Teesa

[*jooleeah*]

Dear Createblog Diary,
So, yeah. I feel better now. All I needed was a quick shower.
Today, I got my Hayao Miyazaki OST set for Spirited Away and Princess Mononoke. I think that's what made this day completely better.

Ah. I hate being so materialistic sometimes, but at least I'm somewhat happy.

[mylittleMiracle]

Dear Createblog Diary,

i feel quite.........since i have best friends in the world<3,i cant satnd for teh pressure that is given by my stuid mun......
what can i do??
anyway,thz or listening to me!
-winnie

[*stephinika*]

Dear cB diary...

Augh. I hate this. I'm the most paranoid, horrid girl ever. I hate this. I hate her. I hate the thought of them spending time together...and this time, its not out in publice even...she's going to be at his house...ugh. I know nothing is going to happen but I have this bad gut feeling about her possibly liking him...could just be me being stupid but AUGH.

I hate this.

[redpeony]

dear cB diary,

Last night was so, so, so amazing. After school went to sushi with ----- and ---- and then came home, booked a limo and headed out to go take family photos. Grandpa was feeling sick so we didn't end up doing it but we all went out to dinner and I got to hang out with my lovely cousins. After that ---- called and asked where I was and he came to pick me up.. then we went to his house for a while to watch the rest of the game and hung out with his family for a bit. Then we went back out and rented a movie and went to my house to watch it. I changed into my pajamas so basically I looked like crap =) We had it on on my comp and we were lying in bed and the movie was boring so eventually I started to doze off. He had his arm around me so gently and he kept kissing my cheeks and whenever I opened my eyes he was just there looking at me. And whenever he saw me open my eyes he whispered for me to keep sleeping. At one point he told me he had to leave because he was waking up early tomorrow but when I half-conciously and selfishly told him I wanted him to stay, he did. And then he told me he loved me. And I knew he meant it. Because 3 months ago we were having an argument and he said that he didn't feel like he really knew me. So I told him he wasn't allowed to say it anymore until he meant it, and he held it off until this week, while we were on the phone and he told me how he felt about me as a person. It was so incredibly flattering.

I think what made this feel extra special is the fact that we've been working on this relationship for so long... all of our doubts, fights, insecurities... it's like we've now reached a happy medium. The talk we had on affection made us much more comfortable physically and beyond that we are just so much more free with each other now. I love cracking jokes with him and making fun of each other.

I don't know where we will be with this relationship next year but all I know is that I'm enjoying every moment of it and I am so crazyyyyy about him.

I'm off to snowboard in a few hours with the friendzies. Tomorrow I'm going to get my dress fitted and then Sunday is the baptism. Ahhhhhhh. I'm a little nervous. But I just need to really set my sights upon Him... and remember what my life is really about.

[*lolita kitty*]

Dear cb diary,

I can't f**king take this. My head is pounding at me like a rock right this moment. It's been hurting for the past 3 hours. It's midnight- easter. I should be alseep right now. But I can't sleep, because of my f**king head. It's not just a regular pain. It's in the back of my head, the front, top, bottom, you name it. I can't cry, yawm, sneeze, grunt, or do anything that messes up my breathing. Why? Because it only makes my head hurt even worse. The minute I stand up I get all dizzy and fall down again. My stomach is starting to hurt from all of the pain stress and sh*t. I haven't felt like this in a really, really long time. I tryed advil, putting a cold washcloth on my head, everything.
And to think, mom still continues to smoke in front of me, even when my f**king head hurts so f**king bad. She is such an idiot. I hate visiting her. I've told her a million times: the smoke gives me a headache.
I just want to take her box of ciggarettes and throw it at her.
But she doesn't care.
And my head still hurts. Along with my stomach.

- Cassie

[*jooleeah*]

dear cb diary,
i have no courage. haha. jose's right, i have no self confidence.

it's not like anything would've happened, anyway. i just wish i could've gotten the guts to get to know him better. blarr..

i want to go to kroger.

[NgocQuyen]

dear cB,
as i find my world slowly rising to the peek of happiness, i slip and decline quickly to where it all started. i am not happy. i want it to be fixed....but how? this is a question longing to be answered...i wish i was content.

[*jooleeah*]

dear cb diary,
so i came home early today because of this huge headache. how terrible.

why'd my dad have to tell me this morning? why couldn't he just tell me afterschool? at least i wouldn't have had to go through the day pretending like nothing was wrong and i was just tired. god. i really hope she's okay. i feel horrid. i'm the worst granddaughter in the world...

[*mzkandi*]

Dear Cb,

Today begins a new chapter of our lives. I know everything will be alright.....

[*Zatanna*]

Dear cB,

The recurring theme of my life lately is that I just can't seem to do anything right. No matter what I do or try to do, there's always something I've done or said that's either wrong, stupid, unfeeling, lazy, etc. I just find myself wondering why I even try anymore. I understand that criticism is good, but I feel like I'm perpetually being either corrected or put in my place. One person can't always be in constant error. I just wish people would be a little patient, perhaps try to see where I'm coming from. I know that I shouldn't take everything personally, but some things you just can't help but take personally. I have a lot going on in my life right now. Losing my confidence is not something I can afford to lose right now and I feel it (my confidence) beginning to drain.

[*jooleeah*]

Dear Createblog Diary,
I am the most selfish person in the world.

GAH.

Also..
I'd like to learn Korean. And...I wish I weren't so hopeful.
And...a question..
Do dreams mean anything? :/

[*islandgirl4eva*]

Dear cB diary,

I jumped to conclusions as I always do. My insecurities are so ridiculous that I'm sure they make me look like an ass. Just because we were in a relationship before doesn't mean that because we're starting to talk again we'll hop right back into it. But now that we are talking those feelings are coming back. Maybe it would be better to just not talk to him anymore. It hurts.

Note to self: Stop being a pretentious ass-wipe.

[xTINAA]

Naomi,
I love you. Boys are stupid. I know you're talking about in that entry, I think. Don't waste your time on him. Be friends first. Do it for him. Do it for me. Most importantly, do it for yourself. There are better guys out there. You'll find the one but for now be content with being you. Because I love you (:

Dear createBlog Diary,
So basically things are really tough. I know, same sob story.

Ten more days of school left. That means about ten more days until my ass gets handed to me because I have to take all of these IB tests. Everyone else who is freaking out, you know those kids who have never failed a class in their life, those who really have no life outside of school, yeah them, they need to shut up. I'm the one who is going to fail. I'm the one who has taken every practice test in every class and failed nearly every single one. Go figure - stupid me.

Boys. Ahhh. What to do? I think tomorrow I'm going to ask him to Prom. Why not just take the chance? So what? He says no. It's going to hurt like hell. It all hurts anyway, right? So what? He thinks I'm some desperate, obsessive ex-girlfriend. That's not how it is and if he chooses to see it like that, then he's stupid. He doesn't see how much I love him. But whatever. I'm trying to not think about it and overanalyze it. I just want to do it. No thoughts, just do it. I've got to keep trying no matter how pathetic it might be, no matter how many times he's going to ignore me, no matter. Because there is always that 1% chance that he won't, that 1% chance that he'll wise up. It's dumb to put all of this hope and effort into such odds but I guess I'm crazy.

I don't want to write anymore.
-Me.

[*stephinika*]

Dear cB diary,

I really hate school sometimes. I stress over it so much even though in reality, what I'm stressing for right now doesn't matter thaaaat much in the big scheme of things. Ugh. I can't believe I CRIED over that. I don't know why its just...frustrating. I'm sick of school. 40 days of actual classes left...thats still too much but at least its getting down there....sigh.
I just want to be able to spend time with him without the worries of school or whatever.
And Superstore hasn't called me back yet.
They better.

[*islandgirl4eva*]

Dear cB diary,

I've made up my mind. I have to give it up. Give it all up and make myself vulnerable again. I'm so terrified of getting hurt that I'm withdrawing myself from situations that could be truly joyful. I'm missing out on so much and the only one to blame for that is myself. I'd love to be able to give myself up to love and abandon my cautions and care, throwing them to the wind...but I can't. Logic tells me that I have to protect myself and be strong so that I can keep from being hurt, but my heart is crying out for those feelings again. It's crying out to embrace the pain that I'm feeling and to cherish it. I'm so torn at this fork in the road. Which path do I take? Will I follow the road that leads me to safety and logic? Or do I take the road that could lead to both emotional ruin &/or absolute euphoria? I wish I knew.

- Me

[*jooleeah*]

Dear Createblog Diary,
I'm empty. Hmmmmm.

[xTINAA]

Dear cB Diary,
What the hell am I doing? UGH. What the fuckkkk. Everybody hates him yet I invited him to prom. I love him and all of my best friends hate him. This is stupid. I'm stupid. I don't even want to go. It's so expensive. We have no money for sh*t like this. It's coming up so fast along with all of this other sh*t too. God damn, IB tests. f**k. I'm going to fail them. I know this. I've come to terms with it, accepted it. I'm not going to get my IB diploma. There is no way in hell for me to do well on my business, biology, or calculus tests. NO WAY. I'm failing all three of those classes, I fail every practice IB test, I fail every regular test, everything. I'm a freaking failure. Nothing I do works out correctly. You would think now that at least him and I are going to try to be friends and that he said yes to prom I'd be happy. I'm clearly not. I just keep getting lectured about it from everyone, I keep getting bitched at about everything, just nothing works out. I'm stressed out of my mind. I want so well to do well on these tests and I know it's just not going to happen. There is no possible way in hell for me to basically learn all of the material for this entire year for every class in two weeks. NO WAY. I'm such an idiot. I f**ked up this year so badly not only with school but with him and friends and family. I fail at life. This is so stupid. I'm such a bitter person. I hate this. I want things to be better, to be different. Each effort I make to do that doesn't help...f**k this all. Seriously I'm so sick of it. I want it to be last summer. When I was actually happy not now when everything just keeps getting worse and worse, where sh*t keeps crashing down. I'm not even that stoked to go to UNC anymore after visiting today. I'm just not into anything. I'm sick of everything.
-Me.

[*jooleeah*]

Dear Createblog Diary,
This is pathetic. I'm pissed off just because I can't go to some fun event. I wish I didn't get angry so easily.

BUT GODDAMN. SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE FXCKING CALLED ME. FUSDJKFHSDKLFJHDJKLHJKHJKFHSD.

Okay. Blararksjfhsdjkl,. I just need to calm down.

[*stephinika*]

Dear cB diary,

Why? Why does this all have to happen? I've cried so many times in the past little while because of him...he doesn't mean to hurt me, but theres so many little things lately that just...sting. They really do hurt though unintentionally done. And...theres no way I can tell you because its all stupid and I don't want you getting upset or whatever because it's stupid...I shouldn't have to tell you. If you figured it out on your own thats different and brought it up but whatever. UGH.
Why do I keep doing this to myself? ILU. Can't you see that!? I'd do ANYTHING for you...I'd go anywhere just to be with you if I had the chance! I just don't get it...I know you luf me, love me, care for me...but sometimes it doesn't feel like you feel that much for me as compared to how I feel for you...I know I should love you unconditionally and selflessly...but its hard sometimes and I'm not perfect...
I'm not expecting you to be either! Its just...sometimes you don't make me feel like you say you feel about me...thats all.
And it hurts.

[*islandgirl4eva*]

Dear cB diary,

After a good cry last night (darn you sad movies) I was reminded of something. Everyon'es life is full of things that cause them pain. Rejection (something I know of, hehe), deaths, loss, heartache, and of course the insecurities! Oh, it's all there. What really makes us or breaks us is how we deal with it. Channel the pain that you feel and do some productive. I remember how many times I've consoled other people and adivsed them. It would be a good idea for me to follow my own advice So lately, I have. Sure, there are times that I'm still sad. I think there always will be, and it's not necessarily a bad thing. We're human -- It's good to FEEL.

So yes, there is a lot in my life that causes me pain. A lot of it is of my own doing. I'm trying to find my place in this world. But there is so much for me to live for. So much that brings me joy. My mother, my father, my brothers, and those that love me. They all deserve to know how much I love them and that they keep that light burning for me. I'll follow it to the end.

[*jooleeah*]

Dear cB diary,
I know, that by the end of this week...I will be both physically and emotionally drained. I have to prepare for this. Gah.

f**k school. Sigh.

[Looow]

Dear cB diary,

its been a while huh? well i have a lotttt of new things in my life. a lot of problems seem to be happening right now. i'm not stressing so much about them like i used to. i think its just that im sure to all this drama in my life.

i don't know..my mom and my sister aren't doing too good. my mom won't accept the fact that my sister too is pregant. it's done. what done is done and you just have to accept it right? no matter how hard it might be. i mean, she needs her help and her words are doing nothing but bringing my sister down when she really needs to be lifted up. my mom told me that if i kept getting in it, i would too have problems with her. honestly, i don't even care anymore. she knows i can't keep my mouth shut. everybody knows that. i wont keep my mouth shut and just sit there listening to the things she says. they're wrong. they are all wrong. she doesn't know how we feel, how she feels. bfshgd i dont know.

anyway, we've been together for not even that long and we're already having hella issues. you know, trust is such a big part of a relationship. its huge. & that is what we're MISSING in this relationship. i wish i could trust people more easily but im glad that i told him why im the way i am. i have seen so many people i cared about..go throught his. his past doesn't help too much either. i dont know. im hoping that he didn't .. maybe im just blind. i dont know. i feel like such a stupid hypocrite because i always told myself, ALWAYSSS that is a guy was to ever do anything to me liike that, i would drop him on the stop with no questions asked. i always told my friends this. now, that i told two of them, i feel so stupid. i feel so .. little. like, they're hella judging me. i just don't know. i just hellllla care aboout him n i dont think id be able to let go.

<3.

[*Intoxique*]

Dear cB Diary,

I wanna break down & cry. I can't stand anyone anymore. I need sometime alone to think about everything.

- Me <3.

[*jooleeah*]

dear cb diary,
i am so tired of getting the f**king blame for everything. i am so tired of stressing myself out because of the damned things that go on in my family. bad things just keep happening over and over again. and f**king great, none of my "brotherly" siblings seem to care! sorry mom, i'm not the best teacher and i'm sorry i can't teach henry right but i'm trying and i know i have a bad temper but goddamn. i know you don't want to teach him yourself. i wish henry didn't have such a big problem with concentrating but none of us can help that. i'm sorry for yelling at you about him but i couldn't help it. i can't stand the abuse that goes on in this house, and me acting like it doesnt' matter and that it's just normal makes everything even worse. i hate knowing that whats gonig on is wrong but i can't do anything to stop it. it's how we're all growing up. i just wish henry would learn and stop being such a goddamned clueless idiot. he's young i know but things would be so much better. why can't he just get things right? he didn't even VISIT grandma while she was in the hospital. all of our grandparents care so much and i seem to be the only one noticing it. i don't ven show my appreciation for them....so it seems like i dont' care. but the thing is that i do care. i care so much. and it hurts the hell out of me when i hear about all these things that are happening to them. i don't know what i'm gonna do without them or when they die. i pass by their graveyards already and i know that they're going to be buried there and every time i pass by i try not to cry. i hate this. i hate thinking too much. and i hate feeling guilty abuot yelling at mom but i'm stressed out enough about school and i cannot worry about henry like that and it's like i don't care but i just don't want to care. it seems like another load would be put onto me and i already have tons of responsibilites. does that seem selfish? i am just so stressed otu and this thing is just basic rambling but ican't help it. what am i supposed to do? i already hate alex enough anyway and so does the rest of us. goddamn why is he such a f**king dumbass? he's bullshit and mom's right. he would be nothing without their support. nothing. nothing but a shithead thath e already is. ah i hate this. i hate hate hate hate hate this. aren't i supposed to be in that stage where i'm supposed to not worry abuot family and such? i'm only supposed to be worried about schoolwork and guys and who to like but what thehell. i must not be normal or something. ah this sucks. i suck at diary entries when i'm overwhelmed. i'm going in over my ehad with all this stress and i just need to get away. these projects that are due soon are not helping either. goddamnit this f**king sucks. i hate this. ihate hate hate this. and ihate myself for being such a bitchy dumbass piece of sh*t that procrastinates even though she knows she needs to do stuff. what the hell is wrong iwth me?! i knew this week was going to be horrid and terrible. people were asking why i was at the hospital and expect me to explani it at once. what the hell. don't just straight up ask like that. two people have already done that. WHY?! why the f**k are you so f**king nosy. okay maybe its just that you guys "care" but if you guys really did then you woudl realize that maybe i would tel you about it if i really wanted you to know. godfuckingdumbasses. dno't be so fcking rude about it. do you guys not get how emotionally sensitive a person can be?! are you f**king blind?! f**king piece of shits. AH. okay i'm going crazy i swear. i'm no longer sane and i know it. i dont' know waht's wrong with me. maybe i need ap erson to talk to or something. but i don't want it. i don't want to talk to anyone about my problems right now because i know nobody would understand, no matter howm uch they say they would. maybe they just want to be friendly and kind and listen to me but that's what i don't need right now. i just need to be alone and focus on whats important. i think that bitchy and independent side has come out of me again and i think it needs to go back inside. ccause i hate that part of me. it'll just take some time, hopefully. god. i need to leave now. mom's yellign. bye.

[Saeglopur]

cbdiary,

I hate this feeling of emptiness. I really really don't want to do work because I really really don't want to do anything at all. I am so empty inside. I just want to bleed just to know that I am still alive and there's still someone inside of me. I'm trying so hard to resist the urge. I just want to shut everyone out of my life... maybe perhaps except for the few people who I need to talk to just get by everyday. Is it right to wish every single day that something would kill you so suddenly? Why do I feel this way? Why am I so confused? I hate this. I'm not like all other teenagers. Don't f**king categorize me. I am not like all other people. I try so hard to hold on and appear strong to some people. Do they know how hard it is to smile and pretend like nothing is wrong? People need to know that maybe I'm not always so cheery cause maybe I have no life and I don't want to cheer up. Don't bring your problems to me and ruin my good day. I don't want to cry in front of people because that will show that I'm officially weak. I'm still holding on strong enough. I'm still here. A couple of weeks back, I tried to get as much tylenol from a friend as possible in hopes that overdosing can lead to something so much worse. I am so hopeless. I am so hopeless. I am so hopeless. I am so hopeless. I am so hopeless. I am so hopeless. I am so hopeless. I am so hopeless. I am so hopeless. I am so hopeless. I am so hopeless. I am so hopeless. Did you know I spent an entire class yesterday, writing on a piece of paper over & over again: "What is my greatest fear?" A close friend (at least, she's close to me) had asked me the very same question I asked her. For 40 minutes, I pointed out to myself that I fear nothing.. so why the hell do I feel this way? I am so broken and I don't think I can be fixed. I really want to cry right now... I feel so pathetic. This is so stupid. I am so stupid. I know I'll never be with the one person I want to be with. Why am I holding on? I know there's nothing for me at the end of this road. Why is it that I'm still trying so hard to impress her? I won't give her up... but I give up on my life in general. There is no point. Absolutely none.

[think!IMAGINARIL...]

dear cb diary,

why did that b*tch end up with him? sure, they're a cute couple, but why? i don't even believe that she ever liked him. i heard about it the saturday i come home from class all happy and then i go online and it just ruined my day! i was in denial for a few hours, then i was angry, and now i'm beginning to accept it. but i don't know why, but i still like him. at first, i started hating him and a week later, i had a dream about him. it just felt so nice. and when i wake up, i just feel so happy and lightheaded. but WHY? i think i still like him. i'm pretty sure i do. and i guess i feel happy for them. but why do i still want them to break up? why am i hoping that someday in the near future they would break up? anyways, i probably don't have a chance with him. he thinks he's in 'love' but i think the opposite. 13-year-olds don't fall in love. most people my age are too immature and they don't understand the true meaning of love. and i guess i don't either...

i keep trying to let go of the memories, but i just can't. he just makes me feel... so happy. i want him to be happy. but for him to be happy, he has to be with her. i just feel so lonely in this cruel world. i just... feel so unloved and alone. i thought he liked me. more than a friend. but it turns out that he forgets about me in a couple of months and finds someone else. I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. i just can't stand around pretending nothing's wrong with me. whenever someone asks me if i'm ok, i just reply, "i'm fine." but the truth is that i'm not fine. i'm screaming for help. i'm crying for him. i don't even think he's worth my tears. i've learned not to cry over boys. i've learned to get over people. but i just can't! whenever someone leaves me, i cry. a lot. and some people i'm still not over. i just feel so alone. so depressed. i just want him to stop 'loving' her. can't he realize that it's not love? love takes time to develop. they've only been together for a few weeks. love takes a lot of time to develop.

i cried myself to sleep last night just thinking about him. i pondered the true meaning of love. ever since they started going out, i've been sort of a sleep insomniac. i always have to think before i go to sleep. sometimes, i just can't sleep. i just wait until i pass out in front of the computer. when i go to sleep, i'm faced with all those heartbreaking thoughts and i don't want that to happen. ever since they've been going out, i've been drinking more often with my friends. i know i'm too young to drink, but i just can't stand the pain. drinking helps me cope with it. this is the most i've ever done to get over someone. this time, i fell hard for him. i just don't think i'll ever get over him. i just don't think that he loves her. i just don't think that i ever really loved him.

i'm just so confused now.

[*Kathleen*]

Dear cB diary,
NO ONE READ "ALTRUISM" AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO CRY. OR MAYBE WRITE SOME DEPRESSING POEMS, BECAUSE THAS HOW I ROLL.

[*islandgirl4eva*]

^^ The writing forum is a lot more inactive now.

Dear cB diary,

I've packed up all my clothes. A lot of my things are packed now. I feel so strange. It all feels quite surreal. I can't believe I'm actually leaving. Why do I feel so sad?

[*lolita kitty*]

Dear cb diary.

Good day. bad afternoon.
I started walking home with carlissa after school, and I was immeaditely feeling the heat. Today was probably the hottest day of the year, so far. I took my jacket off and kept stumbling because of how weak I felt. We continued to walk and talk, and sudenly, Carlissa saw one of her friends and pretty much ditched me for them. >_>.
I continued walking down that long road I take home, and felt hotter, and hotter, and hotter. My eyes were itching, my throat was itching, everything hurt! I was having these horrrrrrible spring polyn allergys. I dropped my purse, bent down to pick it up, and started to cry. I kept coughing in between sobs, and stumbling every few seconds, because of the heat. I cryed the rest of the way home.
I went inside my house about 10 minutes later and called my dad to tell him the story. He apoligized and told me to take an allergy pill. Then he told me "Oh yeah, I'm out having lunch with ms. Joy. I'll be home around 2, kay?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?????!!!!
WTF.
I told him i was going to Courtneys house right after school. He said he would take me.
Well it's 1:30, and I'm done packing. I can't wait until tonight. Skating rink! <3
- Cassie

[*jooleeah*]

dear cb diary,
there must be something seriously wrong with me.
i've been crying so much. it's like, i can do it once i thnk of..nevermind.

i hateeee my personality right now. i'm such a hateful, bitchy, boring, depressing person. it sucks.

blahblahblah./ i'm a hypocrite. cause i hate people like me. gah. RAWR i dont' know.

[*islandgirl4eva*]

Dear cB diary,

This is going to sound so superficial, but I have to say something about it. Yesterday I picked up this hot little black dress and when I tried it on, for once in my life, I felt pretty. I almost cried. I felt like a girl that could walk out and not have people talk about her behind her back.

My brother was so pissed off yesterday. When we were at the mall and I ran to go see my mom, he stayed behind and walked a bit slower. There was a group of guys that were talking sh*t about me when I left and it hurt him so much to hear that. He was furious, tears were running down his face. He almost went up to them, but my mom caught his gaze. I felt so bad for him. I don't give two fucks about what people think or say about me, but to see him so upset, I just wanted to be able to protect him like I used to. I finally realized that I can't anymore. It's so hard to let go.

[xTINAA]

Julia, Naomi

Dear createBlog Diary,
Want to know something funny? It's like I get what I want but at the same time I don't. Something seems good but it's not. It's like I can never win. It's like I'm always messing up and everything is always my fault. And you know what else?? I'm sick of it. I always say I'm sick of it but god damnit I'm so sick of it right now because honestly everything is f**ked up and all of my priorities are messed up. I'm so angry and so frustrated.

You know, I got the courage to do something that I really think none of my friends could have really done. I asked him to prom. The guy who I love who f**king broke my heart. The one who ignored me for months. The one who puposefully ignored my calls. YEAH, him. And go figure, he said yes. You would think that that would be the hardest part, but oh, you would be very, very wrong. Silly, stupid me. I thought that it would be fine to have the guy I love as my date but I was very wrong. It's not fine. I get sh*t from everyone about it. Not only do I have to get sh*t from people but he does too. Drama. Unnecessary bullshit drama. And it f**king pisses me off because really it's noone else's business and there is no need for them to stick their noses in it and talk their sh*t. Of course though, no one understands that and people are always going to talk. Not only is this causing drama for both him and myself but it ruined plans. Lovely, I get the date I want but no one likes him. No one wants me to go with him. Oh and what else? Yeah I have no motherf**king group to go in. f**king WONDERFUL. Oh, oh and want to know another funny thing? IT'S MY FAULT. Go f**king figure that everything bad that happens to me is my motherf**king fault. This is so f**king stupid. Does anyone f**king understand why I didn't want to go now? ANYONE. I mean f**k, not only is f**king going to prom a financial burden but now I can't even go with my friends and me and my date get sh*t for going together. f**k this sh*t. Goddamnit, I have more important things to worry about but instead this stupid bullshit consumes my time.

Lets see. How many hours have I spend studying for the IB exams? HOW ABOUT NONE. f**k. Again, MY FAULT. But seriously I'm getting so much stress from f**king prom as it is that IB exams are not something else I want to be thinking about. Not only do I get stress from prom but my ass gets bitched at about college too. I'm f**king sorry my sorry ass can't get scholarships or that FAFSA won't help us out but GOD DAMNIT, I'm the motherf**king child so why do the financial burdens get passed down to me? They are the parents and it's their job to f**king deal with that sh*t. Not me. Damnit. I don't need them to stand there telling me that I can't go to college because of financial problems if I worked my ass off for four motherf**king years just so I could get into a motherf**king university. So f**k that sh*t. It's not my fault if I've applied for 20+ scholarships and got nothing in return. What the hell am I supposed to do? Want me to get job solely dedicated to college? f**k. Take away all of the free time that I have left that isn't being spent at school or church. I can never f**king do anything right or please anyone. Freaking damn failure. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but holy f**king sh*t, you don't tell your child, one that's worked hard for years to please you, that they still did somethign wrong.

Damnit. f**king IB exams are this week. My two hardest tests of course have to be in the first f**king week. YES. I get to fail at something else. I get to feel like an idiot once again. WOW. I'm so excited. I'm so excited to sit there for hours and fail miserably at a test. I'm so excited to walk as a "IB diploma candidate" knowing good and well that I'm not going to get the diploma. What a f**king retard I am. I screwed up so bad. Just wow. Not only am I failing two classes but my ass is gonna fail all the IB exams and I'm not going to get the diploma even though I wasted four years of my motherf**king life taking that f**king hell hole program. And for what? FOR NOTHING. Damnit. I seriously hate this.

sh*t is so f**king messed up and I don't know what to do. I know Phillip is really trying hard to be really good about this whole prom deal, I know. But at the same time I know what he really wants or how he really feels and I can't please him if I'm trying to please myself or if I'm trying to please everyone else. NOTHING WORKS OUT. He doesn't want to go with them. I do. They don't want him to come either. And we can't go anyway. f**k. And I don't want to go in the other group either. f**k that sh*t. Be the only half Korean in the whole god damn group and not only that but I'm not even friends with all of those people. UGH just everything is messed up for EVERYTHING. Senior year is supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be easy. Senior prom is supposed to be a blast. It's supposed to be spent with friends. NONE OF THAT IS HAPPENING FOR ME. Instead senior year has been filled with deaths, heartbreak, stress, burdens, tears, fights, drama, and whatever else. f**k this motherf**king sh*t I'm so f**king sick of it all. UGH. And it's too late for me to do anything...
-Me.

[think!IMAGINARIL...]

Dear cB Diary,

this year has been cruel to me. i don't really think i'm over him yet but i keep telling myself that i am. he's hurt me so much. i sorta like this other guy, and i know he likes me too, but he also likes this other girl. and i've learned a lot this saturday. not just from class, but from my friends. they've shown me that even though you haven't talked to that person in a long time doesn't mean that you can just stop liking them. something has to get in the way to make you stop. i haven't talked to this guy that i've sorta liked for about 3 years now and now i think i like him again. too bad he hangs out with a lot of weird people.
ok. enough complaining about nonexistant relationships. school isn't as stressful as before. sure, i leave projects, homework, and all that crap for last minute, but it isn't as stressful as 7th grade. and whenever i don't study for a test, i get 100. when i do, i get a 95. i mean, WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT? i'm just weird like that.
science is cool. i've been getting good grades in my class since 7th grade. but i always got 103 on those tests 'cause they were just so easy. not, i get 94's and 97's and 106's constantly. last year, i deserved a 99 or 100 average. and what does the teacher give me? a f*cking 93. now this year, i deserve like 97 or 96 and the teacher gives me 98. why? 'cause he's cool like that. and also 'cause i mark all the labs and articles and i'm a hardworker in class. i go up every lunch to file and grade 863-865's tests all the time. i've only gone to lunch... 6 times this year. and that's a good thing 'cause i get service credit for it. and so i get accepted into ARISTA like that. which is totally awesome.
i think i'm way smarter than i was in 7th grade. at least in every subject other than english. 'cause i got 100 average in english and this year, i got a 93 in all three quarters. it's still pretty good though. my spanish is wayyy better, but only 'cause i cheat on the tests. my social studies is pretty good this year too. but i cheat too. but only on 2 tests! science i've never cheated. i thought about it, but i was nahh 'cause i'm supposed to be naturally good at science. and so, i got a 97 on the last test that i was sure i failed! i thought that was awesome. my math average was a 99 in the first quarter and now is a 98 for both the second and third. i think my math would go down 'cause i got an 83 on the last quiz, but i had a test today which i think i did pretty good on. what other subjects? umm. i did english, spanish, social studies, science, math... umm. BAND! right. band's cool 'cause i get service credit for BOTH renaissance band and senor band. which is very good for ARISTA. and if i want to join York's band, that is, if they have one. all the violins and clarinets suck. except for the first clarinets, which include me, Brian, and Warren. renaissance band is pretty cool except for the fact that i have to get to school by 7:20. i remember i joined renaissance 'cause i was the best in my class at the soprano in 6th grade. i was one of the best sopranos in renaissance too. and now, i play the alto which is a larger version of the soprano and has the same fingering as the clarinet, so it's pretty easy for me. i'm getting better at first clarinet! i can now play high A without playing G first! i still need to work on B and C and D though... oh well.
i don't know why, but i hate bands when they start getting popular. and when someone hears a song on the radio and tells me that they LOVE the band when i knew it since like forever, it pisses me off like crazy. which is why i stopped liking Fall Out Boy and the All American Rejects. and Howie Day. and now, Jack's Mannequin. and all just 'cause everyone likes them now. which is why i've restrained from telling even my friends about my favorite bands. i just hate it when a song/band goes on the radio/mtv. it just ruins the band's reputation! i mean, OMG. like when these really popular preppy people who are supposed to like hiphop and rap and R&B and stuff start listening to my favorite bands, i get really pissed and feel like punching them in the face. and i almost did. once.
i should restrain myself more from violence.
why do i always write so much?

[Saeglopur]

dear cbdiary...

i am not sure but...

i think i am back to normal!!!!!!!!!
perhaps... i dont know yet. i hope so...
and i wish i wasn't such an idiot around her...
damndamndamndamndamndamndamndamn...

sincerely,
kim

[priyas]

Dear CB Diary,

Today we talked. It was so awesome. I felt happy. I <3 my ENglish CLass---he's in it. We actually smiled at each other.

THere were no looks of revulsion.

i him.

-Me

[*stephinika*]

Dear cB diary,

I'm so sick of just about everything right now. School (particularly English, Calc, & Physics), dance team and those damned girls who're pissing me off, parents, not being able to see him more, being sick, being insecure about my weight and everything else...ugh. Honestly. The only thing that's making me happy right now is him. Oh yeah, the lack of job sucks ass too. F:ASDLRJFVBD.

[think!IMAGINARIL...]

Dear cB diary,

today was one of the worst days of the school year. the science statewide multiple choice/open ended was today and you know what happened? my mom goes to school saying that she needs her keys and metrocard. why the f*ck would i have her keys? and i needed the metrocard to go home today. i mean, WTF? she interrupted me in the middle of a test that decides if i go onto 9th grade or not. sure, i'm also gonna have the Earth Science Regents soon, but it doesn't f*cking count! if i don't pass e.science [which is highly unlikely] i just have to take it again in HS. the statewide is one of the most important tests of the freaking school year! and possibly something that defines my future HS classes too. what happened is that i didn't finish the f*cking test 'cause of her. what a bitch! and i didn't get most of the questions 'cause the teacher didn't review anything and it was stuff that i learned in 7th grade and i have the worst memory. so i basically failed and i might be going to summer school this year. its all my moms fault. i bet that i'm gonna fail the test by less than 10 points and if i had actually finished the test, i'd pass. and on top of that, i lent my ruler to someone and they f*cking lost it. it wouldn't seem like much, but i was having a really bad day today. and my f*cking social studies teacher gave me a 90 on my f*cking exit project! it was the first project that i've done a week early and what do i get? a f*cking 90. whoopdef*ckingdoo. i should just go into school with a gun tomorrow [if they don't have metal detectors] and f*cking shoot him. now that would make me feel much better.
what was good about today was that Luis is stupid. in math, 7th period, he asked me what this thing is. i mean, WTF? haha, he was reading the DaVinci Code and it said something about roses and female genitalia and he asked me. LOLS. OMG i was laughing like crazy. haha. no one else knew and he was like bothering me a lot. i told Nicole what it means [she sits behind me], who wrote a note to tell Ashleigh [who sits next to Luis], who refused to explain it to him. i asked him to repeat the sentence he read it in and i told him to repeat the last two words and put it together with the words i told Nicole. and he still didn't get it! then he asked for a 'visual aid.' OMFG. i was laughing like crazy. and he was like. "oohh. what does it do?" lols. and then i just gave up. he asked Zeena later and he was like, "oh. ok. um i don't want a visual aid anymore." LOLS OMFG. haha.
and i'm still laughing.

[priyas]

Dear CB Diary,

So much drama in 1 school day. I feel sorry for Car**. Mar**** is such a bitch. Car** bf's friends are so mean also.

Priya

[*Statues/Shadows*]

I AM SO motherf**king SICK OF HEARING ABOUT PROM

That is all.

(Well. Except that I'm on the verge of another nervous breakdown. The pill fortunately hasn't had any of its real possible side effects on me yet, but my hormones are just nightmarish right now. Plus, I just can't handle the stress that comes from the schoolwork I can't handle, so every little thing I should really care about is getting on my last nerve right now. Prom, in particular, shouldn't get to me so much, and yet...it really is bothering me. Alot. ..obviously. And I can''t study. I know I need to, but I'm so busy sitting here being angry at everything that I can't. This does suck a lot. I feel shitty. Why do I have no control over myself at all?)

[*stephinika*]

Dear cB diary,

So today was pretty effed up. It started out okay...he was being all weird again, and I tried to brush it off. He'd cheer up then be all...gloomy again. It's driving me crazy, but whatever. Choir after school was retarded. I can't believe she just picked them even when its not her song and she's never heard any of us sing the solos, and they have HAD solos before! Me & S.C. have never this year! Wtf is up with that!? It's not fair. I've never tried for a solo in that choir before and I really wanted this one...I probably wanted it more than her...fxck. I'm so pissed off. Thats bullshit. I can't believe it. FSD:LFUKJCB. Then, before choir I found out she was apparently at the school. Great. Just great. That makes me feel a whole load better. Yeah they're friends but fxck...I can't stand her. I don't want her near him. UGH. Then, I feel so disconnected from my 2 best girlfriends lately...they talk so much more and seem to tell each other so much more, and when I ask they're always like 'It's nothing.' I feel so...isolated. And I don't even feel comfortable enough to bitch to him right now...ever since that one incident, I don't feel like I can tell him all this stuff even though he's said its okay because I know he doesn't really want to hear it...he just deals with it. I could listen to him bitch and moan all day and night, and I'd be okay with it and listen to him because I love him. Godammit...
I hate this.

[emazing]

Dear cB diary,

Eee. I keep on procrastinating about random stuff, and I think I will possibly have a mental breakdown if I keep stressing and spazzing out. My 8th grade promotion ceremony is only a month [maybe less] away, and I need to get a dress or at least something fancy-but-not-too-shmancy, you know? Then our Marine World trip is coming up soon, and I desperately need to get some things for that trip. Oh, and we just had our STAR testing so I guess that's 1 less thing to stop stressing out about.

There's BOYS too. C or N? I have a really bad/good feeling that C cares for me more than N does, but I still love N a whole lot, and he means the world to me.
Now I know how young teens in LUST feel about true love.

Anyway to wrap this all up, I know there are so many people out there that have bigger and more important problems than I do, but these are just problems of mine at the moment, and it needs to be resolved. FAST.
I'm bored and I have mentality issues.
Goodbye</3.

[*jooleeah*]

thanks chrissy

dear cb diary,
i feel uneasy. like a strange part of me has been waiting to come out of me. its rather sickening.

maybe it's just me trying to get rid of all stress. but i know it's not the way to handle it. i'm not a sane person...or at least i'm not going to be one for a while, anyway.

how horrid is this? damn. something is wrong with me.

its like, i feel like i need to do something drastic to change all the horrible things about me. to make wonderful people stop worrying about me. to make me stop apologizing for things i never realized i did. i feel like i need to go through a certain amount of pain for all the things that i've done. not physical, but mental. i just need to get something out of my system. some horrid person inside of me is waiting to come out. i want to leti t out, but i just don't want to let it out in front of people i love the most...

sometimes i wonder why i have so much pent-up anger inside of me. why i have so much hatred for little things that just bother me. why i'm such a hypocrite. i know theres no simple answer though. there could never be one.

Edit://
Dear cb diary,
Wow. My mood completely changed. Maybe it was the Naruto. :P Or maybe it was being able to talk to a couple of friends and catching up with them.

You know? I'm going to prove to Rani that shedoesn't have to worry about me. She's such an amazing friend. She's gone through so much. She shouldn't have to even think about how I'm doing twice. She should worry about herself. Same with everybody else.
I need self-esteem. But how do you get it?
I've been acting like I have it. Through sarcasm. Through being somewhat "blunt".
But obviously, that's all fake.

Ah, well. I don't want to go all introspective. That always gets me into horrid moods.
-Julia.

[priyas]

I AM IN LOVE. END OF STORY.

[*stephinika*]

Dear cB diary...

Why is it whenever I have a good day, something bad always happens and ruins it all?

[Looow]

^ Feel better n remember you can talk to me.
Dear cB diary,

It's killing me knowing that he's out there right now .. I'm just here sitting thinking about what was the last thing he told me. It's killing me and I don't know what to do. ..

fcuk.

[silver-rain]

Dear cb Diary,

Blah, there's only about 26 more days of classes left, and I really wish this was all over. I hate school and the people in it so much. I just can't wait for college where all this high school bs is gone. I can't wait for college so I can have some independence. Blarg.

Prom is stressing me out so much. I have no limo/group to go with, no table, no afterprom just because one friend cancelled on me. I guess this is what I get for not being social and having many real friends. Oh, and I have yet to get a dress too... Fcuk, it's going to cost me so much for one night. It really better be worth it.

And him, I'm so confused. He's acting different, more 'aggressive' about women. Like, he's more open to talking about them, and saying when she's hot, etc. It pisses me off, but I can't do anything about it, just counter with hot guys. Gah, and he doesn't really show that much more affection towards me. Meh, I hope we last though.

[*stephinika*]

Thanks Lo.

Dear cB diary...

I'm feeling better after an emotional phone conversation...sigh. I was really open for once though and I just told him what I thought and how I felt and he seemed to understand...I hope things get better after this...Its good now but...I'm still a teensy bit worried.

[KELLYYY]

Dear cB Diary,

One more month. :\ I don't think I can handle it.

- Kelly

[Teesa]

Dear CB Diary,

Well, this is the home stretch. Finally.

No more classes, just IB tests to get through and it's all over. What a relief. I'm excited. About a lot of things. We got our yearbooks Friday and I just can't wait for all the signing to begin. I can't wait for prom, graduation, work, and all that the summer has in store for me.

I should have done more studying today, but whatever. I'll end with Spain and China tonight and hopefully still be able to remember it next week. I reviewed a little for English. I'm kind of excited for that test. Just a little.

I'm excited about work. Everyone knows that I'm coming back, he said. I hope someone else is aware of his information. Ahhhhh. I'm sucha loser.

I hope my dress is fixed. Well, I still have one more full weekend before prom...I'm stressed but excited about it. I hope he's excited for it too.

--Teesa

[*jooleeah*]

Dear Createblog Diary,
It's sad when I need something so..simple to cheer me up.
But right now, considering the situation, it's the only thing that works.
I've made so many mistakes. And I keep on making them. Why?

I hate it when people look at me, and think that I'm just some silly/nerdy asian girl. What about what's inside? And...why don't people realize that I know more than they think I do? Why don't people realize that I'm not as oblivious as they think I am?

GAH.
KDJFHKSDHFSKDHFJSDHSDFKLFSDKJFSDKLHFSD.

[*islandgirl4eva*]

^^ Julia, love...it's because people are idiots.



Dear cB diary,

For some reason one little comment has turned my world upside down. It doesn't really have anything to do with any of the important parts of me, my spirit, my personality, my capability to love. He commented on my voice, and yet, for some reason I feel that I might have the courage to let him get to know me. Even if there is this HUGE possibility that I'll get shut down before I even get out the door, I almost feel like I could give it a try.

[dancingkait]

dear cb diary

so he came over last night and we had an evening that a real couple would have. it was amazing. he had dinner with me and my family, he took me out for ice cream, came back and watched a movie and some old dance videos with my mom and sister. but what's more than that was the way he and myself acted towards each other. we held hands almost the whole night, we cuddled a bit (when my mom and sis left the room or else it would've been awkward), and that goodbye hug lasted like 2 minutes. i thought for sure he was going to kiss me. but still i wonder if he's going to do something about us, last time he said he didn't want to ruin the friendship, but we've never been this close! do i gather some courage and kiss him or wait and see if he kisses me? i don't know yet. but one thing is we're closer than ever before!

[waccoon]

I loooove Christa.

[marzipan]

I loooove Christa.

............i'm krista...........

wait, scratch that. there's another christa

[waccoon]

............i'm krista...........

wait, scratch that. there's another christa

Um well. o.o

[marzipan]

Um well. o.o

nvm nvm. forget i said anything. that was my mistake.

[SarahxJoy]

Dear cB Diary,

Well, he's here. He came home about 5:00 AM early this morning. Mom's at work and so the three of us are here with him. He's out in the garage putting the new license plate on the BMW. I know he's excited to drive it, it's his retirement car---although he's not retiring for another five to seven years. Once I woke up, I could already tell the shift within our home with him being back again. It's quieter, and everyone stays in their rooms. Everyone pretty much keeps to themselves. Y'know, really, I hope this changes. But I doubt it will, there's too much emotional baggage. So, here's to a long three weeks..

And as for my sweetie. He didn't call me yesterday like he said he would. He's at his dad's this weekend, all the way across town, and I know that he can't really make that many calls while he's over there, but he promised me he would. It was my last day yesterday, and it really sucked that I couldn't talk to him. I miss him so <3.

Sarah Joy

[oXMuhNirvanaXo]

Dear Cb Diary,

These past few days with him were fab! I have learned to take every thing that he has to give because I never see him anymore because of him work.. ( DAMN HIS WORK) Anyway... I think were starting to get closer even though we have been going out for over 8 months now, think the true love thing is just now starting to kick in. Im so happy about this I just want to jump up and never come back down. On F-day I was walking back to class with friend and I came across him and he looked as though he was about to leave. But school wasent over for another 45 min? So i was like " Hey where you going" He said suppized to see me " Home ". So I walked him down around to the door where he was going out and then he looked at me with thoughs big blue eyes of his .. ( That I just melt over) And he says " Come with me " SO WHAT DO I DO? I go with him out the door down to the park. So were sitting there in the park on a nice and sunny day and he just puts his arm around my arm and pulls me back words. So there we lay on the soft grass looking up at the trees with his arms around me holding me like he would never let me go and he just looks over and wispers in my ear " I love you." AW yes I know I could have just died right there from happyness of corce I told him this to. It was just a good day. >.<

<3 Him
<3 Cb
<3 Shelby

[NgocQuyen]

dear cB,
i'm tired. eeeks! i'm just tired of everything. of school, of work, of relationships...everything basically. i don't know ehhs...i guess i could survive..i think he hates me..i haven't really been talking to him lately..but it's nto my fault...everytime we have a chance to talk he's always freaking playing games. then he expects me to play games with him..omigosha, i can't play games like every freaking day. i just can't do that anymore. i mean i use to do that like back in the day, but i have a life now! not saying i didn't have a life back then, but now my life is just more complicated you know what i'm saying? my schedule is more busy and built in...i just don't have time to do that anymore you know what i mean? i don't have time to just enjoy myself like i used to. i don't have time to build our relationship back up, and i'm not even sure i want to? i don't know....at first i was really excited that he was finally talking to me again after nearly two years, but i just don't know anymore...i mean i really like you-know-who...but i don't really know about him either..he just..i don't know he just doesn't seem to be as interested in my as i am in him. i just really wish things wouldn't get in between us. i just don't know. i hate relationships they're so complicated...you know what? i'm just not going to be in one...yeahhhh...that's an awesome idea... ;D

[*jooleeah*]

Naomi, I know. :[ I hate it when people like them get to me as well as others, too.

Dear cB diary,
Strange. I seem to be in a good mood again.
Sucks that I have to go back to school tomorrow. This is how I know this feeling of being slightly happy will go away as quickly as possible.

I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't met all these wonderful people I know now. It'd be completely different.

I think I'd still be that girl in the corner.

Yeah, I'd definitely be that girl in the corner, with nothing to say. With nothing to feel. With nothing to offer.

[*islandgirl4eva*]

Dear cB diary,

I find that cleaning makes me happy. I've known this for a long time now, but for some reason I am just now gathering up the motivation to get up and do it. Home improvement projects make me happy. Reading the lastest issue of ShojoBeat makes me happy...

I think you can see where I'm going with this.

I've known all these things all along. I figure that it's time to stop caring too much for other people and care a bit more for myself. I love all my friends, but I have nothing left to give at this point. It's time for me to recharge my batteries. In fact, it's long overdue.