The Ugly Dictator, by Jessica Options

[Frizzank]

A girl I know wrote this, but Im not gonna put her full name.


The Ugly Dictator

Once upon a time, in the faraway and mythical country called Germany, a beautiful young woman and her ugly ugly husband, Heidi Klum and Seal Whateverhisnameis, had a child. This child was so ugly that even Seal shuddered, "Heidi, baby… this kid is uglier than I am, and as they say in those silly old westerns that I love… this family ain't big enough for the both of us. We've got to drop him off somewhere, he's so ugly he's scaring my boob." As he said this, he yanked that child from his boob, mid-breastfeeding.
Heidi sighed, knowing this was true, "Let's at least name him before… so that he at least knows who he is," her eyes welled up with tears, "I've always been partial to the name Adolph." Seal stared at her, "Wow, Heidi. You sure are beautiful… but all you have going on up in that little head of yours is a mosquito and a fly." As Heidi took the helicopter a little lower to the ground to drop Adolph off, she wrapped a rainbow bandana around his little ugly leg. "Please remember who you are, Adolph… and remember that I love you."

With that, Seal threw Adolph out of the window. As Heidi sped off into the sunset, Seal in tow, she couldn't help but let out a little sniffle.
MEANWHILE ON THE GROUND…
Baby Adolph awoke with a start, letting out a blood-curdling scream. The inhabitants of Bergen-Belsen, Germany, opened their doors to the ugliest kid alive. Who would take care of him? That was the question on everybody's minds that day. Nobody but Herr and Frau Weiner-schnitzel Schmidt offered to help. Once inside their tiny shack, they began to teach young Adolph the fundamentals of living ugly. "Now son, you've got to remember that you are ugly. You must always look at the ground, and ask forgiveness to the beautiful people when you pass."
Thus young Adork grew up, to become an ugly teenager. All the kids at Lederhosen Schule teased young Adolph. "You're ugly, Adork. And your mama dresses you funny," "Hey Adork, I'll give you a mark if you shove that bean up your nose," (which he did), and his very least favorite "Hey Adork, I bet your parents weren't Heidi Klum and Seal… they're the beautiful people and you look like you were birthed by the sewer monster." To all of those mean and nasty comments, he merely shrugged and replied, "Hey I'll show you! When I get older I'm going to win Mr. Germany and I'll rub it in your faces."
Yes, his dream always was to win the Mr. Germany pageant, the most prestigious pageant in all the land. The contestants were judged on their beauty, their talent, their ability to answer questions with complete sentences, and how good they looked in a swimsuit. He was going to win it even if it was the last thing he did, no matter if his arch nemesis Ormand Schlugbelaguez (who won all of Adolph's ladies with his rugged Latino looks and stilettos) was his main competition.
Lets fast forward 10 years, Adolph is in his mid 30s and he has come to power as Germany's ugliest dictator. Everyone remembers him from Lederhosen Schule and how his mama was the sewer monster, definitely not Heidi Klum and Seal wasn't his dad. To prove himself worthy of everyone's attention and admiration, he decided to try out for the Mr. Germany pageant.


He went on many many television shows to promote himself and eventually won a spot. He was dubbed Mr. Bavaria and given a hotel room with Mr. Rhineland, Osmend Schlugbelaguez (his arch nemesis). Now it just so happens that these two fought like cats and dogs, naturally. Osmend was always telling Adolph about how ugly he was and how his mama dressed him funny. Adork simply replied with an "I'll show you when I'm holding the golden Wiener Schnitzel." Osmend just shrugged, "Not looking like that you won't."
So this is when Adolph decided that he needed to do something about his looks and he needed to do it fast. He pulled out a business card, one that he hadn't thought to look at for awhile.


Now Toby wasn't really the first person that Adolph wanted to talk to, but it was his only sure fire way to win. Toby had recreated many of the world's ugliest men: Arnold Schwarzenegger , John Travolta, and Garth Brooks. Sure they're beautiful now, but not before Toby got hold of them. He carefully picked up the phone, shuddering to himself. Now let's get this straight, or not so straight… as the case may be, Toby loved men.



He didn't just love making men over, he loved making out with them. Adolph loved women and this is where they conflicted. The conversation is as follows.

RRRRRING. RRRRRRRING. RRRRRRRING.
Toby: Allo, oui?
Adolph: Uh…. Toby?
Toby: Ahaha. You caught me. ;)

Adolph: I need help.
Toby: Adork, baby? I was hoping you'd call me. I know you need help.
Adolph: Can you come over fast? The Mr. Germany pageant is coming up and I'm ugly.
Toby: Let me bring my magic blowdryer. I'll be over soon.
Adolph: Please help me, I'm terrified!

Minutes later Toby arrived with Martin "Tolerance" Mussolini, the only friend that Adork had when he was growing up. And what a coincidence… he was also a dictator! Of Italy! Oh, they talked the rest of the day and into the night about cupcakes and how they used to get made fun of. It turns out; Martin was now Italy's favorite body builder. Of course if you didn't think he was your favorite you'd get killed… he was a dictator, of course. He was going to help Adolph get the righteous body he'd always dreamed of… and it was going to help him win Mr. Germany.

"Adolph, you know we're going to have do to A LOT," Mussolini sighed as he looked him up and down. Adolph shrugged, "Let's get started then, shall we?" Mussolini took Adolph's hand and together they walked to his office, through the magical forest of Beauty and Prosperity. They swam across the river of Magnificence, and they danced through the field of Dreams. Finally, 2 hours later they reached Mussolini's office. Martin opened the door and Adolph found himself in a museum of sorts. Lining the walls were pictures of Martin's clients: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Toby Bradshaw , and George Clooney.


Adolph was taken aback at all the beauty. "Martin, could you really make me that wonderful?" Martin grinned rather sheepishly, looking down at his feet. "Adolph, There is no greater sorrow than to know another's secret when you cannot help them. He is obviously not in love with her, but why shouldn't he marry her? She is not pretty, but she is so clever and pure and good, she would make a splendid wife for a country doctor of his years. I can understand how the poor child feels. She lives here in this desperate loneliness with no one around her except these colorless shadows that go mooning about talking nonsense and knowing nothing except that they eat, drink, and sleep. Among them appears from time to time this Dr. Astroff, so different, so handsome, so interesting, so charming. It is like seeing the moon rise on a dark night. Oh, to surrender oneself to his embrace! To lose oneself in his arms! I am a little in love with him myself! Yes, I am lonely without him, and when I think of him I smile. That Uncle Vanya says I have the blood of a Nixey in my veins: "Give rein to your nature for once in your life!" Perhaps it is right that I should. Oh, to be free as a bird, to fly away from all your sleepy faces and your talk and forget that you have existed at all! But I am a coward, I am afraid; my conscience torments me. He comes here every day now. I can guess why, and feel guilty already; I should like to fall on my knees at Sonia's feet and beg her forgiveness, and weep. " [uncle vanya, anton chekhov]

Adolph grinned, understanding fully, "You know, Martin, I've missed you. But now we have to get to work. I need to be buff in 3 days time." So they buckled down and buckled up, getting ready for the upcoming Mr. Germany pageant. Adolph grunted and groaned, moaned and let off buckets of sweat, which Martin so diligently cleaned up.

[*incoherent*]

cough...

writing.

[_sarcastic_]

http://www.createblog.com/forums/index.php?showforum=31

[Frizzank]

cough...

writing.

..I figured it was in the wrong place, but I'm sure theres a better way to go about telling me that I see you are not a mod so its probably not your place to tell me, but thanks for the warning.
;-)

I dont stop by here too often, but Ive been around for a while.

Anyways, what'd you think?

They had to add a twist on to an old childrens story, in this case, the ugly duckling.

[*mzkandi*]

Moved to Writing

[Frizzank]

Moved to Writing

thanks.

[*Blow_Don't_SUCK*]

That was quite stupid, creative, but stupid

[xosteffanator]

^agreed but it was creative...

[*ranniel*]

yeah it was a good idea, i don't quite get it.

[aubbob]

haha that was kind of.. strange

[Smoogrish]

Interesting. I don't really get it either. The names are weird.