not really you |
  |
 Nov 24 2005, 05:54 PM
Post
#1
|
|
|
Senior Member  Group: Member Posts: 512 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 9,682  |
i look at your face, and it radiates pain,
your smile has been washed off by the rain . your eyes tell a story of a thousand years, they seem to cry without dropping a tear . they're dull and they're dead, they used to be bright, your cheeks are hollowed by worry and fright . your lips are pale, no smile lingers, from it escapes such ghastly pictures . what happens to the happy girl i knew ? you're still the same person--yet its not really you . just remember that theres a rainbow at the end of every storm . and the sound of your own laughter has the power to keep you warm . please tell a story that has a happy ending, paint pictures of memories and happy reminiscing . and light up a smile that can build fire out of ashes rise from your sorrow like a newborn pheonix . |
|
|
|
|
Dec 10 2005, 01:03 AM
Post
#2
|
|
 dripping destruction Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 7,282 Joined: Jun 2004 Member No: 21,929 |
nice.
the first stanza is very nice, the second one seems a bit less polished, but equally intreguing. happens - should be happened? nice topic. title doesn't seem to fit tho. keep writing. |
|
|
|
|
Dec 10 2005, 01:41 AM
Post
#3
|
|
 wut wut in the butt? Group: Human Posts: 2,108 Joined: Sep 2005 Member No: 227,723 |
very nice indeed, i wish i was able to write that well
|
|
|
|
|
Dec 30 2005, 01:55 AM
Post
#4
|
|
 DAM ITS SHELBY Group: Member Posts: 105 Joined: Jun 2004 Member No: 22,864 |
i like it... A LOT.
|
|
|
|
|
Jan 1 2006, 09:23 PM
Post
#5
|
|
 I'll never be who I was again.. Group: Member Posts: 2,886 Joined: Jan 2005 Member No: 77,981 |
Wow..
I like the first stanza.. |
|
|
|
|
Jan 1 2006, 11:59 PM
Post
#6
|
|
 and they say imitation is flattering Group: Member Posts: 1,337 Joined: Jul 2004 Member No: 27,269 |
The rhyme scheme kind of switches at the end of the second stanza. And it doesn't seem to really fit with the first...
"just remember that theres a rainbow at the end of every storm . and the sound of your own laughter has the power to keep you warm ." That seems too long to me, and it doesn't really have a flow... But good job, I like it =] |
|
|
|
|
Jan 2 2006, 11:40 AM
Post
#7
|
|
 I love Havasupai Group: Member Posts: 1,040 Joined: Jul 2005 Member No: 163,878 |
The death and ressurection symbolic of a phoenix occur when the memory of suffering no longer serves a useful purpose. Rebirth occurs when old ways of thinking are no longer empowered and transformed by the element of fire. Thanks for sharing.
My favorite line... QUOTE your eyes tell a story of a thousand years,
|
|
|
|
|
Jan 2 2006, 09:30 PM
Post
#8
|
|
 Bay Area YadadaDiiiig. Group: Official Member Posts: 4,249 Joined: Feb 2005 Member No: 103,202 |
QUOTE(lidoxangie @ Nov 24 2005, 3:54 PM) your smile has been washed off by the rain . your eyes tell a story of a thousand years, they seem to cry without dropping a tear . they're dull and they're dead, they used to be bright,  I love that soo much. Like .. a lot. I cant explain how much i like that first stanza. QUOTE(lidoxangie @ Nov 24 2005, 3:54 PM) just remember that theres a rainbow at the end of every storm . and the sound of your own laughter has the power to keep you warm . I love that, the my laughter can bring me warmth. Its so deep (: I really like youre writing. |
|
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members: