Caring for your introvert Options

[Retrogressive]

I've had this problem before when seeing a guy who was a complete introvert. I'm really outgoing so it was kind of a clash... but a good clash.

Caring for Your Introvert


The habits and needs of a little-understood group

by Jonathan Rauch

.....

D o you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?

If so, do you tell this person he is "too serious," or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?

If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands—and that you aren't caring for him properly. Science has learned a good deal in recent years about the habits and requirements of introverts. It has even learned, by means of brain scans, that introverts process information differently from other people (I am not making this up). If you are behind the curve on this important matter, be reassured that you are not alone. Introverts may be common, but they are also among the most misunderstood and aggrieved groups in America, possibly the world.

I know. My name is Jonathan, and I am an introvert.

Oh, for years I denied it. After all, I have good social skills. I am not morose or misanthropic. Usually. I am far from shy. I love long conversations that explore intimate thoughts or passionate interests. But at last I have self-identified and come out to my friends and colleagues. In doing so, I have found myself liberated from any number of damaging misconceptions and stereotypes. Now I am here to tell you what you need to know in order to respond sensitively and supportively to your own introverted family members, friends, and colleagues. Remember, someone you know, respect, and interact with every day is an introvert, and you are probably driving this person nuts. It pays to learn the warning signs.

What is introversion? In its modern sense, the concept goes back to the 1920s and the psychologist Carl Jung. Today it is a mainstay of personality tests, including the widely used Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings; introverts generally are not. Introverts are also not misanthropic, though some of us do go along with Sartre as far as to say "Hell is other people at breakfast." Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.

Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn't antisocial. It isn't a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: "I'm okay, you're okay—in small doses."

How many people are introverts? I performed exhaustive research on this question, in the form of a quick Google search. The answer: About 25 percent. Or: Just under half. Or—my favorite—"a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population."

Are introverts misunderstood? Wildly. That, it appears, is our lot in life. "It is very difficult for an extrovert to understand an introvert," write the education experts Jill D. Burruss and Lisa Kaenzig. (They are also the source of the quotation in the previous paragraph.) Extroverts are easy for introverts to understand, because extroverts spend so much of their time working out who they are in voluble, and frequently inescapable, interaction with other people. They are as inscrutable as puppy dogs. But the street does not run both ways. Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and yipping.

Are introverts oppressed? I would have to say so. For one thing, extroverts are overrepresented in politics, a profession in which only the garrulous are really comfortable. Look at George W. Bush. Look at Bill Clinton. They seem to come fully to life only around other people. To think of the few introverts who did rise to the top in politics—Calvin Coolidge, Richard Nixon—is merely to drive home the point. With the possible exception of Ronald Reagan, whose fabled aloofness and privateness were probably signs of a deep introverted streak (many actors, I've read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors), introverts are not considered "naturals" in politics.

Extroverts therefore dominate public life. This is a pity. If we introverts ran the world, it would no doubt be a calmer, saner, more peaceful sort of place. As Coolidge is supposed to have said, "Don't you know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?" (He is also supposed to have said, "If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it." The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself.)

With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic. "People person" is a compliment. Introverts are described with words like "guarded," "loner," "reserved," "taciturn," "self-contained," "private"—narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality. Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially. In certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type; introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty.

Are introverts arrogant? Hardly. I suppose this common misconception has to do with our being more intelligent, more reflective, more independent, more level-headed, more refined, and more sensitive than extroverts. Also, it is probably due to our lack of small talk, a lack that extroverts often mistake for disdain. We tend to think before talking, whereas extroverts tend to think by talking, which is why their meetings never last less than six hours. "Introverts," writes a perceptive fellow named Thomas P. Crouser, in an online review of a recent book called Why Should Extroverts Make All the Money? (I'm not making that up, either), "are driven to distraction by the semi-internal dialogue extroverts tend to conduct. Introverts don't outwardly complain, instead roll their eyes and silently curse the darkness." Just so.

The worst of it is that extroverts have no idea of the torment they put us through. Sometimes, as we gasp for air amid the fog of their 98-percent-content-free talk, we wonder if extroverts even bother to listen to themselves. Still, we endure stoically, because the etiquette books—written, no doubt, by extroverts—regard declining to banter as rude and gaps in conversation as awkward. We can only dream that someday, when our condition is more widely understood, when perhaps an Introverts' Rights movement has blossomed and borne fruit, it will not be impolite to say "I'm an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I like you. But now please shush."

How can I let the introvert in my life know that I support him and respect his choice? First, recognize that it's not a choice. It's not a lifestyle. It's an orientation.

Second, when you see an introvert lost in thought, don't say "What's the matter?" or "Are you all right?"

Third, don't say anything else, either

from http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch

[fameONE]

I have this innate ability to talk to people and make friends. Bottom line; I'm a people person. But when it comes to really getting personal, I'd rather not tell someone how I'm feeling. I don't want a hand on my shoulder when I'm going through a tough time because I'd rather deal with it myself. I don't live in a cycle of perpetual neediness and sometimes I just don't want to be bothered. From reading that, I guess it would classify me as an introvert... with an extrovert personality.

Did I mention that I'm an insomniac?

[Joss-eh-lime]

wow its really long -_-


i know some poeple like that

[ParanoidAndroid]

I'm an introvert

[Olive]

I liked that article. Im an expert introvert carer.
Introverts make me

[Retrogressive]

^ Hahahaha ^
I like both.

[EXPLO5ION]

I'm an introvert.

[Mr. Slowjamz]

i`m guessing most people in here are much more introverted then i would have thought . as for me i`d realized that im very much of a total total introvert and reflected on my negatives .because very much so many of my family whopping extroverts ....im finally realied and is starting to opening up the shell of my extroverted side ....it feels more open and free ..and the ability to do more things are much more clearer . hopefully i`ll be able to turn into an ambivert more likely . so i wont lose my extroverted side .


The Introvert/Extrovert Dilemma at Home and Work
__________________________________________

Some of the biggest troublemakers in both work and personal relationship are the differences between Introverts & Extroverts. Inaccurate assumptions and misunderstandings related to those differences have led to the demise of more than one relationship!

Often people just think of the Introvert and Extrovert as one being shy and the other outgoing. That may or may not be true. The key difference, and the one that creates the most problems, is in the way each processes information. (Some of the characteristics are listed at the end of this article.)

If we were to measure our introversion or extroversion, we all would fall somewhere on a continuum. It is not an either/or factor. Some people score at the extremes, others more in a midrange. One is not better or worse than the other. Each has strengths and weaknesses. Typically, we quickly say, "Don't try to change me, that's just the way I am! " Yet pushing ourselves to act more like the other CAN bring us into more balanced behavior. Yes, it is possible to grow in this area--you are not doomed by birth or genetics or even family history to stay stuck in one mode of operating! Stretching into new behavior gives you more options and choices and can help you significantly at work and at home. I, like many Introverts, have learned to be more outgoing at work or in social situations because we live in an Extrovert world.

Throughout school, grades are influenced by 'class participation'-- heaven for an Extrovert and hell for the Introvert. At work people are expected to brainstorm (in a room with Extroverts who are all talking!) Most meetings are designed to seek responses to items or ideas thrown out on the spot in the meeting. Without an agenda and enough time to consider their thoughts about each item, Introverts will most often be silent in those meetings. (Extroverts probably won't even read the agenda until they are in the meeting. They just fly with any topic on the spot. One of the best ways to get the creativity and best thinking of your Introverts is to discuss something and then tell everyone to come back to you individually or to the next meeting with their best thinking and ideas.

Unfortunately, many Introverts are passed over for leadership roles because they are misunderstood by management, who are predominantly Extroverts. Like Joe, Introverts are frequently and inaccurately seen as uninterested, lacking in ideas, unassertive, somewhat aloof or withdrawn and as lacking leadership ability. Some of you thought Joe was depressed or self absorbed.

Introverts can be outstanding leaders if given the chance, and are particularly good at eliciting ideas from colleagues. They tend to be excellent listeners, are often very creative, and can think through an issue in a more focused and in depth way than can their Extrovert co-workers. Contrary to popular belief, an Introvert can also make excellent presentations as long as they have time to think through the topic and prepare ahead of time. Extroverts may feel more comfortable, but tend to wander as they talk.

Extroverts, get excited and stimulated by the sharing of ideas in the moment and will tend to talk until it becomes clear to them. Introverts wonder why Extroverts just don't get to the point. Group discussion is the Extrovert's favorite way of thinking at school or work. Another pet invention of the Extrovert is networking. Most Introverts can't stand pointless socializing and what they see as meaningless chit chat.

At home, Extroverts like Mary in our scenario often feel abandoned or rejected by Introvert partner. They are convinced that their Introvert partner doesn't care, doesn't love them, has no ambition, is dull, is clueless about relationships and spitefully withholding. They fear that they are losing their Introvert partner because he or she is so distant.

Introverts often feel invaded and overwhelmed by an Extrovert partner who is processing everything out loud--thoughts, emotions, observations, etc. Extrovert partners are seen as nagging, smothering, over-reactive and having diarrhea of the mouth. For an Introvert, talking about something often means you are ready to act--otherwise, why talk about it? Sometimes an Introvert will see their Extrovert partner as insecure or needy because they talk so much. They usually bristle and withdraw more when their Extrovert partner demands that the Introvert "talk more, share more, express their feelings, carry on a decent conversation, etc." Introverts sometimes get 'bored' with the thinking out loud process of Extrovert and will end up tuning them out. Extroverts demand time and attention from partner and if they don't get responsiveness, think relationship is in trouble. Introverts feel loved when their 'time and space' is honored and respected instead of invaded.

Certainly, there are many other reasons one person talks a lot and one person seems to hold everything in, but the Introvert/Extrovert difference is a big factor. Understanding it can help you both come up with better ways to work and live together--and can actually become somewhat humorous instead of irritating.

Here are some of the characteristics and behaviors:

I=Introvert, E= Extrovert

I---Internal focus--observes and decides inside

E---Observes and decides in outer world of other people

I---Often seen as aloof, withholding, unassertive

E---Usually seen as more 'friendly', outgoing, leader

I---Thinks then sometimes speaks

E---Opens mouth and later engages brain

I-- Sees Extrovert as talking a lot about nothing and talking just for the sake of talking

E---Often sees Introvert as uninterested and unwilling to share

I--Saying something out loud means readiness or need to act.

E--Talking about things to be done is more about processing. Sometimes it doesn't even really matter that much if they get done--and certainly doesn't have to be right now. Now we're just talking about it.

I---Needs time and space for self--somewhat territorial

E---Loves interaction

I---Limited relationships

E---Usually multiple relationships

I---Depth

E---Extensive, broad

I---Intense, focused

E---More diffuse, talks around an issue to process it

I---Conserves energy

E---Expends energy

I---More reflective

E---Thinking means talking it out

I---Thinks inside and because considers things within, sometimes thinks/he has told other person but whole process has been internal (frequent comments from partner or co-workers, "you never told me that.")

E---Thinks out loud and often says it over and over

I---Recharges alone

E---Energized by people and action, sometimes drained by too much time alone

I---Usually listens instead of talks, Answers with a nod or just a few words

E---Usually would rather talk than listen, but wants partner to talk and talk. . .

I---Does not easily or often stroke or affirm

E---Need more overt stroking and affirming

I---Reacts and rehearses internally

E--Reacts outwardly and puts out thoughts, ideas spontaneously

I---Conflict is internalized so they can think about what happened, make decisions about it, have dialogue inside head. Comes to resolution inside, but often doesn't express it outside! If surprised by a conflict, will often just 'go inside' (which drives the Extrovert nuts and it snowballs)

E---Conflict is something to be talked about--thoroughly. Often get more excited and louder as talk. Minor irritations can turn into major ones quickly. Often get to panicky stage if can't talk out problems right away.

Look at your own behavior and that of your colleagues, friends and family. Can you notice the differences in processing? Given the information in this newsletter, what are some options to better understand and work with one another when you are so different?

WHAT ARE YOU?

The Myers-Briggs test can show you where you fall along the continuum. However the Keirsey Temperament Inventory can give you a basic reading. You can take the Keirsey for free!

One useful and easy to read book on types is Type Talk by Otto Kroeger and Janet M. Thuesen. (Introversion and Extroversion are just one part of personality 'types'. Another is Please Understand Me or Please Understand Me II (updated version) that also has the test and explanations of the types. We will look at some of the other parts in future newsletters.)

[PrincessAda]

I know lots pf people like that..

[*Uronacid*]

yeah, i know one... XD LMAO

[doork]

i know a few like that..