It was a lonely night in Boston, poem, would really like feedback |
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 Sep 19 2005, 07:04 AM
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#1
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 Senior Member  Group: Member Posts: 33 Joined: Sep 2005 Member No: 224,772  |
It Was a Lonely Night in Boston
It was a lonely night in Boston When the city went to sleep Stood a single, vacant doorway Supporting a solitary man It was a lonely night in Boston When the snow began to fall Leaving screaming snowflakes As they died upon his flesh It was a lonely night in Boston When the cruelty arose The sobs that wracked his body And paralyzed his soul It was a lonely night in Boston When came a muted sigh Softened by the soothing powder That made the city die It was a lonely night in Boston When I herd the woman scream While white twisted to red And the angel got his wings I know it needs some tweaking.. PLEASE tell me what you think! Thanks so much |
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Sep 19 2005, 01:56 PM
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#2
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 Yawn Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 9,530 Joined: Nov 2004 Member No: 65,772 |
QUOTE It was a lonely night in Boston When came a muted sigh Softened by the soothing powder That made the city die I liked that part the most ^. "and the angel got it's wings" very nice ending i must say :) you might want to give this poem a little more backbone and a clear cut picture, but u have several great points and ideas in this poem :) |
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Sep 26 2005, 06:22 PM
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#3
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Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 33 Joined: Sep 2005 Member No: 224,772 |
Thanks so much!
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Sep 26 2005, 06:54 PM
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#4
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 MY LIFE IS MY LIFE !!!! Group: Member Posts: 262 Joined: Sep 2005 Member No: 242,521 |
 I could feel it deeply very good.
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Oct 2 2005, 05:46 PM
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#5
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Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 33 Joined: Sep 2005 Member No: 224,772 |
Thanks, I really apprechiate the feed back!
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Oct 4 2005, 04:24 PM
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#6
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SOS Brigade!! Group: Member Posts: 2,573 Joined: Sep 2004 Member No: 47,775 |
Really nicely written. I liked how you did something out of the ordinary.
I'm guessing most of the lines were a metaphor =P. |
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Oct 7 2005, 04:12 PM
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#7
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Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 33 Joined: Sep 2005 Member No: 224,772 |
Good guess lol, yeah they are... most pple haven't caught that. Thanks so much =)
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Oct 7 2005, 04:23 PM
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#8
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 fell in love with a boy Group: Member Posts: 523 Joined: May 2004 Member No: 16,965 |
i thought I commented on this already..
well. better late than never. <3 it |
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Oct 7 2005, 04:59 PM
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#9
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SOS Brigade!! Group: Member Posts: 2,573 Joined: Sep 2004 Member No: 47,775 |
Yeah because the lines seem to have a meaning behind each and one of them. So yeah.
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Oct 8 2005, 10:05 AM
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#10
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 i'm such a sucker sometimes. Group: Member Posts: 441 Joined: Jun 2005 Member No: 151,732 |
Wow, very good. I enjoyed that a lot.
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Oct 17 2005, 02:42 AM
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#11
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Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 33 Joined: Sep 2005 Member No: 224,772 |
Aw wow, thanks so much guys, I was expecting "CRAP" comments, you really made me feel good, thanks. Glad you enjoyed it.
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Oct 29 2005, 06:07 PM
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#12
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Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 119 Joined: Oct 2005 Member No: 279,574 |
i like!!
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Oct 29 2005, 06:58 PM
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#13
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 ladybugs are hot <3 Group: Member Posts: 1,169 Joined: Jan 2005 Member No: 93,802 |
its great =)
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Nov 2 2005, 07:36 PM
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#14
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Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 33 Joined: Sep 2005 Member No: 224,772 |
Thanks so much guys!
I really apreachiate it =) |
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Nov 8 2005, 12:43 AM
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#15
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 I'd rather make mistakes than break. Group: Member Posts: 121 Joined: Mar 2005 Member No: 117,869 |
I loved the repetition, and the vagueness of it all really drags you in.
Well written! |
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Nov 8 2005, 12:51 AM
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#16
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Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 33 Joined: Sep 2005 Member No: 224,772 |
Thanks so much! =)
I have a problem with my stuff being too vauge and criptic... working on it though! |
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