Hello, noodle kegs. After a mountain of requests on how to be manly like me, I've finally decided to oblige you in revealing some of my secrets.

Here's my top-secret hair styling regimen. These suave cuts will make the ladies swarm over you like fire ants on a newborn baby.

1. Locate barren spot of dry dirt.

2. Draw in sacrificial circle with stick.

3. Sacrifice goat.

4. Apply blood to face in "X" formation, each side coming from brow to jawline.

5. Hold carcass over head and chant Satanic ritual.

6. Administer hair gel.

Note: step 6 is optional.

sacrifice goat?

why would you want to do that?

^ to arrange their intestines and entrails in beautiful patterns

No girls allowed.

Here's a typical day's worth of food.

Meal 1:
20 raw eggs
2 loaves of bread
1 bowl of Austrian-brand steroids + 4 liters of milk
1 apple
1 ostrich

Meal 2:
1 buffalo head
5 liters of oatmeal

Meal 3:
20 chickens
10 baked potatoes + sour cream
1 liter of milk

Meal 4:
1 cow leg
10 lbs. of raw salad
25 bananas

Meal 5:
5 live salmon (swallow whole)
5 lbs. peanut butter
1 coconut

Meal 6:
1 10 lb. dolphin steak

Do not try this immediately or your baby stomach will explode.

your sort of a 'man' sounds somewhat like a caveman to me.

I`ve seen some pretty manly women before.

where is the porn in this list?

I had to look over this a few times, and actually say it out loud, to get it! Yes, I am THAT slow.

what kind of hair gel?

I use peanut butter.



Porn isn't manly. Go away and breed with something.

Remember, it takes a big man to cry, but a bigger man to laugh at that man. What a wuss.

Now I will share with you my secrets to getting girls. Let's say you see a girl you like at school. The first thing to do is to check and see if she has a boyfriend. You can tell by counting the number of growth rings that are visible when chopped open. Or maybe that was with trees. If not that, then check which direction the moss is growing in (it should face North).

Next, be direct. Once you've reached her, try saying, "GOOD AFTERNOON. WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN GOING ON A DATE AND POTENTIALLY BEARING MY CHILDREN AND QUITTING YOUR JOB TO RAISE THEM?" It's also important to speak as loud as you can in order to signify what her attention needs to be directed at for the moment. If your volume isn't at that level, she may become distracted by other noises, like crowd sounds, nearby construction, etc.

Let's say she responds with, "Hey." You should correct her with, "HAY IS FOR HORSES", and then smack her on the back while throwing your head back in laughter at such witty banter. Girls like a good sense of humor. At this point, she'll probably fall in love with you, but don't give away your strategy.

Refrain from doing all the talking. That's rude. Do two-thirds of the talking. Keep a stopwatch on you to time yourself. Make sure you express the transitions with hand signals to cut her off when it's your turn.

There's plenty more, but I've already said them in other topics before, so you should have them memorized by now. If you haven't seen these tips yet, then you need to make up for lost time.

this should be renamed "How to be an egocentric pompous jerk."

poor goat . why does it have to be a goat? cant it be like a snake? or a fish? not something cute and fuzzy!

Let me guess - you tried out my advice and got harshly rejected. Don't fret over it. There's more you can still do.

One thing you should try is something that will really grab her attention. One time, I slipped a ton of Tabasco sauce into this girl's lunch, just as a nice gesture. Girls love Tabasco sauce, because as we were eating, her eyes suddenly bugged out of her head and she clutched her throat. Then, she began sweating profusely and gasping. I couldn't figure what her problem was, until it hit me: she was having an orgasm! It was so powerful that she couldn't even speak. She desperately pointed to the bottle of water I was drinking, but I told her that now she was taking things way too fast, wanting to share my bottle. I had to walk away, because I'm not that kind of person. So another thing to get out of that is to be classy, not easy.

Rejected... Try, slapped, kicked in the nuts, sprayed with mace and then punched!

You didn't even hang around have her ask you if it was as good for you as it was for her? How rude.




Real men get women.

Definitely my favourite cB quip for a long while.

Bravo.

the part where he sacrifises the goat

So like ya wanna marry me?

Marriage isn't manly. These are manly:

> Human organs in vending machines.
> Getting hit by meteorites and not even feeling it.
> Magic carpets made out of screaming babies.
> Machine gun-mounted ostriches.
> Rocket-ship bears (they're like regular bears but with rockets).

where the f**k do you get this stuff?!

Manly sources.


Here is a transcript of a conversation a producer had with me regarding my asking cost to be in his film:

Reidar: $100 billion dollars.
Producer: How about $20 million?
Reidar: . . . (see Figure 1)




Figure 1:

uhh. ok... im pretty sure thats what grosses most women out.

God, you're back again? What happened this time?

Okay, try this (from my post in the Valentine's Day thread). At dinner, if you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Later, when you and her go out for a walk, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then pretend like you're trying to make it seem like you haven't noticed anything.

hahahaha I loved that

seems your "help" has now made all the women hate me now!