You know the drill.

To Christina--
Thanks SO much for being there today :) I know I sucked at the dance before you taught me the moves, thanks for being so darn patient! I love you!

To ______________ :
I saw you in the car today..you are so freaking cute. Everyone says so. ARGH, I WANT YOU. haha.

--Teesa

: I'm don't even know you, but I'm already jealous of you. Pathetic, much?

: I wish I could get to know you.

Nga: YAAAAY YOU'RE BACK!! Gosh, I missed you!

you,
thanks for convincing zakk to get him to have lunch with us. i really appreciate it

you,
you are so cute! i wish you weren't as shy though...it feels weird to be around someone that is more shy than i am...i really like you though, you're cool. lol.

-Jess

I love you grandma!

Dear You,
Again, I'm missing you like crazy. Call me. Please. That's all I ask right now.
-Me.

Dear School,
You f**king suck. Senior year is ruined. Well not all of it obviously since it's just the beginning but how could shit like this happen? Why does our year always get screwed over? For everything? Every year, all the time, without a doubt, our year gets f**ked. To think I actually worked hard and tried and to have to go out there and do that shit and for those girls to cry and UGH I'm just so angry. I swear, we better f**king win this football game or I'm going to change schools. What an embarrassment.
-Me.

dear seth,
things are different. i wish youd feel the same. but i guess i have to get over it, and i will. don't worry. i'll be here.

dear vinnie,
your a sweetheart. you truley are. something about you when im with you just makes me forget everyone else. maybe.

Hey, I had a really good time today. I'm glad it wasn't awkward or something, and that we're going to try to see each other every Saturday. I really do love you. <3

Arg, I hope you didn't do what I think you did... we're not getting anywhere if you keep doing that. But don't worry, I'll always be here, so some day, you'll have to give it up.

I miss you, Trev.

edit: sat sept 17,9:50pm
Today was honestly pretty boring at first, haha. It got good when we went to buy those 20 cookies and had no idea what to do with them. ahahah. going to the seawall was really nice and though we got a few odd stares, having you lay on my lap across the bench was sweet. When you asked what my parents thought about dating and I told you that, I was really surprised when you said "I've never taken anything seriously enough to bring someone home... but you can come home". How sincere that was? I don't know. But you saying "I get to hold your hand" when we left just seemed to seal the deal.

Ideally, you are the perfect guy for me.

But where exactly are we right now? Just friends? Are you gonna make it official? I really need to know.. I can't stop thinking about it now. Talk to you about it Monday?

what is wrong with me dammit!? i know you don't mean any of it but it hurts me and i hate it. it bothers me so much, even to the point of tears and i feel ridiculous cause i KNOW you don't mean it...but it feels like you do and hurts me as if you do every single time and i've kept it to myself but i've had enough...i need to tell you tonight or tomorrow.

why don't you guys understand? yes, i'm fragile, yes i'm emotional, yes godammit i am pathetic i admit it. just....please realize when i'm being serious.

i like you. be mine.
to my 7 out of 10

____: My body still freezes up when I see you and her together....I hate this. </3

_____: Why are you so confusing? I mean, I've always had a little bit of a crush on you..but now that we talk so much, I really just enjoy your company. Sometimes you seem like you've had that little inkling too..and sometimes you don't. I can never tell. I wish you'd just do something to let me know. I'd really like to..have someone again. It'll help me..plus you are the kind of person who I know wouldn't hurt me.

You,
Oh goddd you're just such a sweetheart, I don't feel the same way about you though. Gee, what shame ..

You,
Am I looking for a boyfriend? Uhh. Come on. What a player.

You,
Yeah now you know how I felt. That was just rude. Ugh whatever. Little things like that about you make me mad.

You,
Wow when Jackie told me how you felt about me, I was just like, uhhh. Yeah now I'm all paranoid around you. You're way flirty and it's starting to uh get weird. Yeah I don't feel the same. Stop being so weird though.

You,
Ahahaha you two are such sweeties. jackie and I are def going to be your running buddies for P.E for the rest of the year. Getting to know the both of you was quite ineteresting.

You,
you'resodamncuteiswear.

----

Wow those messeges were ALLLL to guys. Ahahaha I'll make a messege to a girl now..

----

Dear You- I hate you. You come up to me and compliment me during the spanish party when you talk shit behind my back saying you don't like me. Come on, be real. What a two faced bitch.

-->I know you're not that stupid. Why do you even put up with all that crap from her if it makes you upset? You'll learn one day. Or end up getting married to her.

-->I get to see you for the first time in 8 months next weekend. I'm so nervous. Hopefully you really don't think the things my brother said about me.

To Kent;

i like you. i like you alot. but you know what hurts? this morning. i actually got the courage to go to you; and actually look you in the eye and say "I like you." the first time i said it, you acted as if you didnt hear me and continued to talk about your own stuff. but the second time, you knew you couldnt avoid it. i had to tell you again. and all i got from you was an "okay". i played it off and acted normal. i tried so hard not to show it. i didnt realize how much it hurt until later on. i like you; i really do. you dont know how scared i was to tell you. you dont know how badly i was shaking. i even had to leave the place and not face anyone. you see i'm not telling you that i liked you because i wanted to win the bet, i'm telling you because i want to hear you say that you like me too. i dont want to hear it from other people; i wanna hear it from you. when i hear it from barry or peter, it just isnt the same. it's hard to believe them. i dont know how i'm going to tell you later. should i try again? or should i just leave things the way they are? i dont know. i dont even think you like me. i should have never taken barry or peter's word for this. it just screwed everything up. at least you know that i really like you. i just really wish you liked me back. .

- Juliana.

Dear _____

Sometimes I just wish it were easier to talk to you.
I want to get to know you so bad & it's kind of hard
when we are both shy. I just don't really get why
you are like that just towards me..

______,
come over, now!!! >:]

_____,
go away, you f**king showoff. i don't care what you think.

_____,
leave me alone.

_____,
haha, lol.... ATOTHAZHOMIZZLE!!! we are cool like that.

_____,
thx for doing my makeup today. everyone loved it ^__^

Im so glad you came to the game. I haven't talked to you in a while. Just speak to you in the hall-way.

Teacher,
You f**king a-hole. You don't need to yell that f**king loud. You need anger management. I can go on forever about this.

to ____;
Why cant I find the courage to even say hi right now? youu have the greatest smile EVER :) from what I see you're a definition of perfect, besides the fact that I cant get words out of my mouth when Im around you. J'adore le classe de francais ;)

to _______;
Stop trying to pull that trick. Im not thatt stupid, I wasn't born yesterday. Plus you're a lott older than me. obvioussslyy =]

to _________;
goshh you're the nicest person Ive like.. ever met ;P I feel like I have my life back! :) thankss so much just for everything <3

Becky,
I'm so sorry that you're going through rough times right now. We both are but I couldn't imagine being in your shoes. I just want you to know that I'm always here for you whenever you need me. I guess since you're not going to read this, it won't do you much good but you know that I'm here for you anyways ;] I've been bummed ever since you left to go to college. I can't wait to come visit you.

*****,
stop kissing ass and making yourself the cutest thing to make people like you. oh, and your not the centre of the world. everyone has lives, you cannot expect them to stop for you and wait for you to catch up.
Treat people the way they treat you. Dont take over their lives because they love you and care for you.

******,
STFU beetch. people dress according to their bodies. stop wearing tight clothing that make your fat bulge out. stop dissing people, then apologize and suck up, and THEN diss and bitch at them again. god just leave us alone.
*****,
most of the time you're a really cool guy. you just need to know when to stop and limit your jokes. you really hurted someone today. i hope you realize that.
*******,
ARGH. stop demanding people to do things for you. your not the queen. everyone has their own way of doing things. YOU'RE NOT PERFECT. live with it. if you dont like us and what we do. stop tacking on to us.

i'm done for today =]

Jeremy,

I have a feeling you are angry at me. Ever since i had this dream about you, I've had this sickening feeling of you being angry...not just angry, but cold. Cold and distant. And blocking me off, so you won't have to feel pain or somethan. I hope this is all me, and you're feeling nothing like this. I miss you...i wish you would text me...or somethan. I know you won't. But i still hope that you will, i still keep my phone by me at all times, and i feel foolish when i do so. I feel foolish when my phone rings and I jump up, half expecting it to be you, and then letting myself be disappointed. I want to hear somethan from you, anything. Anything to let me know, that yah you do still care. I want to call you so badly. Should i?.....i dunno. I gave you my word that i wouldn't. Sitting here listening to the same song over and over. Watching the same movies, still procrastinating and not doing my paper, or woking on things that need to be done. I'm stuck. and i hate it. I feel me fighting inside myself, and i'm angry. angry at myself. who knows why. if i think about it long enough i probably could tell you why. but i don't want to think about myself. Having a loss seems to connect itself to the past, and i'm feeling hopeless. I'm having a hard time trusting God right now. and more then anything right now i want to call you or text you. And even if i text you, i still wait. and i'm not making any sense. so i will stop writing this, because i'm a mix of dangerous emotions, and blabbing on a forum will do nothing. it won't fix anything, and certainly won't help. So this is where i lay silent. I want to hear you say I love you once again

well then. there goes "being friends"...even though we haven't talked for like...a month. but still. its...interesting you deleted me though. hm. i didn't think you'd do that. but...i guess i can understand you feeling that way with me.

I thought of you todaii. I thought that if i showed u ur braclet that you would take it away ..but you didn't... I also thought that you lo0ked extra fine todaii. I knoe i told others that i was over you.. but there's STILL this little thing attached to you. It won't go away. But for no.. you'll just be my lil secret...


_elsieMAE

Dear You,
Please. Don't shut me out again.
-Me.

Dear You,
Tonight was fun. I missed you!
-Me.

Dear Teesa,
Are you ready to freaking get our groove on?! LOL.
-Me.

God,

alright. i see. I gotchya. I KNOW! It's funny almost. It really is. If i read this in a book, i probably would be like ,"man that main character is stupid." haha, and yah maybe I am. I see what you are trying to say. And the thing is I've always known what you were trying to say. but of course my flesh is fighting against it. And still i don't understand, still i don't. It's so easy for one person, yet so hard for another. Ignoring you? no, not ignoring you. Mad.? maybe, mad and confused. but you've already knew that. So you will make me feel like a fool and force things infront of my face until i break down and understand. And yah, i'm starting to learn that. I can't run to anyone or anything. I just have to run to you. And right now I feel like, how do i exactly do that at the moment. I feel like a blobbering mess at the moment. And i need ur help in this. I need you to send me someone to help me through this. A friend or something. One that understands. I need you to help me. Because still even with all of this, I refuse to be depressed and sink back to where i used to be. I refuse to let a guy get to me. I don't want that to happen. I will not be sitting there crying 2 years later like last time. THAT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN! I don't want it to. I'm tired of this. Tired of something like this always happening. tired of this feeling, this weird prickeling. I hate this. i really do. And do i need to go through it? yes. Do i need to write about it somewhere? yes. on here? maybe. It feels better getting it into the open void. I can type it, and send it. Like i'm really sending you an email in a way. And sometimes when i try to talk to you, it gets mixed up and stored somewhere, so it's easier when i type to you sometimes. I am so weak. I really am. And i'm disgusted with myself. Slapped in the face, and maybe i deserve it. And guess what God, we're gonna fight about this, until we get it straight. Meaning, we're going to be doing alot of talking. I asked why? and you gave me an answer basically. And now i ask "now what". where exactly do i go from here, and in a way i know that answer too. I feel angry, you know that. why right now? why when i have this killer paper due in a few days?!?!?!. I can't get any words out. well no words about Dostovesky and the underground man. But i can get words out on how i feel inside. or atleast try to, they get all jumbled. and i will sit here and rant and rave, and be upset, and be mad at myself mostly. disgusted with myself for sinking to that level. So here i am God. 2:30 am. Again. We've had this same sort of discussion with Brian. and i'm not really looking forward to this Brian the second outcome. Please just tell me somethan. help me with this. Give me some feedback here. Even better, could you strike me with lightening? That would be wonderful. Great, so this comes in stages yes? Self-destructive. see, we can't let thathappen, again. That happened 2 years ago, and i will not let that happen again now. THat is ridiculous. isn't it? So here we are. and now i will take a shower, and just kinda sit there and talk things over with you. and very much consider leaving createblog, xanga..and throwing away my cellphone. We'll talk. i'll stop ranting in here, because people probably think i'm crazy.