These are actual announcements made by in-flight attendants:

Before takeoff:
"To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. Actually, it works just like every other seat belt
on the planet. If you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
and:
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks
will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with
you, or someone who is acting like a small child, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two such persons, decide now which one you love more."

Shortly before arrival:
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees, with some broken clouds; but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your travel money, more than this airline."

On the ground, after an exceedingly bumpy landing:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
Crash' and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared
and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you
can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

On arrival:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the
next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at this airline."