You and I, 1st poetry submission to cB, don't bash! Options

[ChasingLife87]

Tell me if it's too ___anything___, but please don't bash. It's a very personal subject.


You and I

Two girls. I want to tell you about two girls
Two souls who can write the world in and out of existence
One I've known for years
The other a recent friend
They have never met, no, and they never will

I've known you forever, dear, if only for five years
And I can remember those starry nights
When we would disappear to the far corner
Of our security zone.
And we would talk about the world, you and I
The future, and God, and life
And guys, and friends, and fathers
We did some not-so-crazy things, you and I
It was the age of innocence, and you were such an angel
A red-haired girl with sparkling eyes
Ready to face the world with purity and charm
And I don't know where we went wrong, you and I
And I don't know who it was, you or I
But I can barely see you now, through a hole in time
And you've changed, oh, you have changed
Your innocence is gone, your radiant smile replaced
By a devilish gleam and a pile of letters
And I know that you are what the world likes to see
You epitomize everything that every sixteen year old girl wants to be
What every young writer dreams of becoming
And love took over you, what you thought was love
Love took over your being and turned you into an angry soul
I know you suffer, my red-haired spitfire
I know that life has not been good to you, and you have not been good for life
You wrap yourself in these momentos
These vacuum-filled words of anger and spite
I don't know how long it will last
I don't know how long you will stand solid
Before you collapse

And you, I've only known for a few short months
When I met you, you were so unsure of yourself
And we were strangers, you and I
Never sure what to make of the world
And I saw you had conviction, and I wanted some of it
You looked in the mirror every morning and never liked what you saw
Plain brown hair, you and I, and you had eyes like stars
Metamorphosis strikes everyone, you and I
But it hit you like the morning dew, quite fitting
And love took over you, touching you gently, filling your heart
Love took over your being and turned you into a radiant dance
And now I know that you like what you see in the mirror
The world looks at you, dear, and frowns at what it sees
Because you have escaped their mold and defied their reality
See, you are happy when you don't have what it takes
You immerse yourself in what is holy and pure
You wrap yourself in these momentos
What is innocent and praiseworthy
And I know it will last forever
Because you are strong, and love strengthens you daily
And you will never collapse

And I look at you, you and I
And I think that love will never come
Someday love may take over me
And I must decide what transformation I will take
Would I rather be a fiery redhead, wallowing in a pool of empty words?
Or plain and radiant, choosing the path of righteousness?

I want to defy their reality.

[MrElsewhere]

You have long stanzas. I get intimidated by a wall of words, but it was well written.

I, myself, am a person of originality. I like to see originality in works of art. The language you used is good, but not original. The way it's written is great, but not original. Understand? Probably not..

But overall its a good poem!

[ChasingLife87]

hey thanks!

those really long stanzas? That is really really really rare for me. But I did it to fully separate the two different girls.

And I wrote this in a fit of rage concerning the first girl :lol: