another one |
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 Dec 16 2004, 07:17 PM
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#1
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Eternal Syn  Group: Member Posts: 398 Joined: Jun 2004 Member No: 24,000  |
In my life
Throughout all the strife You've been there for me whenever I was down You were always able to make me smile when I had a frown No matter what happens or what someone says You were always there to brighten up my days All I want from you is to stay by my side, showing me sunshine It's times like these that I'm glad that your smile is so benign It's times like these that I should tell you that you're forever in my heart I wish that we didn't have to be apart... I don't want to say good-bye whenever I'm with you This ain't a pick-up line; whatever you hear from me is true WHEEEEEEEE!! *sigh* I'm reinspired..just thought I'd say this. 
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Dec 16 2004, 07:21 PM
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#2
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 whatever d00de Group: Member Posts: 1,349 Joined: Nov 2004 Member No: 63,060 |
aww. it touched me
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Dec 16 2004, 08:44 PM
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#3
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SOS Brigade!! Group: Member Posts: 2,573 Joined: Sep 2004 Member No: 47,775 |
Lolz this poem does sound like a pick-up line =P Just say it out loud
Anyways good job |
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Dec 18 2004, 12:22 PM
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#4
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 i'm susan Group: Official Member Posts: 13,875 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 5,029 |
your poem is soo me!! heh i have the same feelings as i do to my crush. i just want to be next to him but ehh i dont think he want that cause heh he has no interest in me at all...sniff i wish tho T_T;; but nice poem!
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Dec 18 2004, 06:31 PM
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#5
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 my <3 is in Ohio Group: Member Posts: 899 Joined: Jul 2004 Member No: 27,599 |
aw!!!it's sweet!
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Dec 19 2004, 01:36 PM
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#6
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Eternal Syn Group: Member Posts: 398 Joined: Jun 2004 Member No: 24,000 |
QUOTE(rainnydaiis @ Dec 16 2004, 8:44 PM) Lolz this poem does sound like a pick-up line =P Just say it out loud Anyways good job hahah Tru..But it's a Fancy pick up line. Not one of those crap ones like: Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk past you again? Mine is fancier 
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Dec 19 2004, 03:20 PM
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#7
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 Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 1,989 Joined: Apr 2004 Member No: 10,691 |
Heh...nice.
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Dec 20 2004, 06:39 AM
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#8
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 High Voltage!∞ Group: Official Member Posts: 4,728 Joined: Jul 2004 Member No: 29,157 |
that's awesome! great job!
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Dec 20 2004, 11:07 AM
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#9
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 This bitch better work! Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 13,681 Joined: Jul 2004 Member No: 28,095 |
it seems happy and sad at the same time. nice job.
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Dec 21 2004, 03:35 AM
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#10
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 Bardic Nation Group: Member Posts: 1,113 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 38,059 |
two syllables, rewrite. I hate to sound like simon here, but it needs more. Yeah it could be a pick-up line. but if you're like me, you'll appreciate brutal honesty.
from 1-10 I give it a 2 To me it looks like rhyming couplets, but it doesnt sound like rhyming couplets. you repeated that one line and i thought that might've been a tad unnecassary. Where were you going with this? be creative with your rhyme but dont let the rhyme control the poem, use the emotion to convey the message. If you're happy then w/e, but if your serious invest more time into it. |
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