Winter Options

[TheSilenceInDict...]

A quick write. Little effort...Meh.

Winter

Fingertips of morning
Softly brush my cheek.
Wisps of December air slowly escape my lips
Leaking secrets untold
To ears deafened by false prospect
Eyes forced shut
From frigid truth.
Denial -
My frozen heart,
My beating cause.
The careful burden
Seeping inside
To freeze my already cold soul

[NatiMarie]

Let's see...

Fingertips of morning
Softly brush my cheek.

I love that. I love how you steered away from the cliche intake of the rays of a waking sun. Using personification...I like that a lot.

Wisp of December air slowly escapes my lips
Leaking secrets untold
To ears deafened by flase prospect

Hmm...I like the message. Just the structure...on that 'Wisp of December air slowly escapes my lips'

Leaking secrets untold...a bid redundant...secrets aren't supposed to be told, so you're kind of repeating yourself there.

The rest is good. It just doesn't grasp my attention as much as I wanted it to. I like

The careful burden
Seeping inside
To freeze my already cold soul

Just that...you didn't really link it to other things. You suddenly just threw in the coldness freezing your already cold soul.

Maybe you can somehow just throw in some foreshadowing to coldness in some sort of representation of coldness, just so that the last part won't seem out of place.

I definetly like it. Very good.

=]

[rainnydaiis]

very good writing =P

[TheSilenceInDict...]

Leaking secrets untold...a bid redundant...secrets aren't supposed to be told, so you're kind of repeating yourself there.

My point being made was secrets are always told, one way or the other. At least, in my world.

Just that...you didn't really link it to other things. You suddenly just threw in the coldness freezing your already cold soul.

I wrote it masking an image I had in my head. I would tell you what it is, but it just simplifies the poem by a lot and craps it down, LoL. Trust me though, it links with the poem. I didn't write the poem in hopes of keeping it stuck to the the theme. I just used the morning to inspire me and start me off. It is a quick write, with no proof reading or editing, whatsoever.

Thanks so much for your time to comment, and thanks for the praise.
I'm glad someone is decent enough to give up a bit of their time for this forum.

-Joe

[NatiMarie]

My point being made was secrets are always told, one way or the other. At least, in my world.



I wrote it masking an image I had in my head. I would tell you what it is, but it just simplifies the poem by a lot and craps it down, LoL. Trust me though, it links with the poem. I didn't write the poem in hopes of keeping it stuck to the the theme. I just used the morning to inspire me and start me off. It is a quick write, with no proof reading or editing, whatsoever.

Thanks so much for your time to comment, and thanks for the praise.
I'm glad someone is decent enough to give up a bit of their time for this forum.

-Joe

Yeppers.
=]
Yeah I know what you mean. Just had to point out a few things. And being that it was a quick write...that was very good indeed.

[rainnydaiis]

master got some advice =P
master not master anymore praise natimarie haha jp =P

[TheSilenceInDict...]

LoL, Would you quit with that, Sam?

Just had to point out a few things.

And I greatly appreciate that. I'd rather be harshly judged than mindlessly praised...Whatever improves my writing or opens up for good discussion is awesome.

[rainnydaiis]

u will write poetry for sex? no wonder u made 2 new ones =P

haha im just bored

[melface]

Oh I finally get to hear the full poem...


I love it when you read aloud to me<3

[TheSilenceInDict...]

I love reading my poems aloud to you too, love.

[Heathasm]

this reminded me of a movie i saw where this lady was pregnat and out in the snow, lol.
even thought thats more than likely not what it was about its still a good thing, because it was a beautiful poem...

the only thing i think you should really change is

Fingertips of morning
Softly brush my cheek.
Wisp of December air slowly escapes my lips
Leaking secrets untold
To ears deafened by flase prospect

change "wisp" to "wisps" and "escapes" to "escape"
-so that wisp can fit in with the plurals fingtertips and ears
-escapes would need to be change because thats like starting two lines off with the same word, almost

And I greatly appreciate that. I'd rather be harshly judged than mindlessly praised...Whatever improves my writing or opens up for good discussion is awesome.

I agree!
any one who thinks otherwise than that i wont comment on their work
...well maybe if its really good

[TheSilenceInDict...]

Actually, I was only thinking of one, but pluralizing it would make sense with the next line as well. I should've read it before copying it off my notebook.
Doubt I would've caught it though.
I'll make the change, thanks.

[dispn0ygonekrazy]

good write joe i like it ay i need some help joe im falling behind in english with these essays and i aint doing so good

[TheSilenceInDict...]

Oh, I love essays!

Haha, what kind of essays? On what?

[PinkTrash]

Ah. beautiful
When I first read the title o.O I thought you were talking about Winter, the person/

[TheSilenceInDict...]

Winter, the person? I have no idea who that is.
But thanks.