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 Apr 5 2005, 01:37 AM
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#1
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 hello : )  Group: Official Member Posts: 4,227 Joined: Apr 2004 Member No: 13,139  |
I'm not sure what this is; poem, monologue, etcetera and I can't think of a title or anything for it (maybe it doesn't need one..?) But yeah, just something I wrote up during biology class. Please give me criticism, comments, feedback, and such. Thanks in advance =]
She tries to walk nonchalantly as he comes toward her. Her heart feels as if it’s pounding against her ribs, getting faster and faster with each step. She feels almost sick to her stomach as the space between them shortens. Maybe it’s not really a sickness but this sensation that’s so powerful that it’s overwhelming. All these thoughts intrude her mind…she wonders if this time he’ll stop to speak with her. If this time he’ll glance in her direction. If today will finally be the day he’ll take notice. The moments before their possible confrontation it gets harder to breathe. Her heart is furiously pounding. Now the thoughts are screaming…”Talk to me! Look at me! Anything…” The climax is reached. He’s not even an arms length away. She can smell his sweet cologne. The screaming stops. Everything is silent except for the beating of her heart. She lingers for a moment giving that extra chance for something to happen. But he passes by. Again, without even looking in her direction. Again, without saying a word. And again, she’s left crushed. |
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Apr 5 2005, 04:52 PM
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#2
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 Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 558 Joined: Feb 2005 Member No: 102,872 |
I love it! Great poem!!
nonchalantly <<big wordsss!! lol I dont even know what that means. 
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Apr 5 2005, 05:24 PM
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#3
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hello : ) Group: Official Member Posts: 4,227 Joined: Apr 2004 Member No: 13,139 |
Thanks =] And it means to like walk casually, indifferently.
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| *stephinika* |
Apr 5 2005, 06:43 PM
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#4
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Guest |
very nice. easy to relate to, and well written. i quite like it.
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Apr 7 2005, 01:37 AM
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#5
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 Holla if ya hate me Group: Member Posts: 2,386 Joined: Jan 2005 Member No: 80,819 |
QUOTE(M1SSxCHR1SSY @ Apr 5 2005, 1:37 AM) I'm not sure what this is; poem, monologue, etcetera and I can't think of a title or anything for it (maybe it doesn't need one..?) But yeah, just something I wrote up during biology class. Please give me criticism, comments, feedback, and such. Thanks in advance =] She tries to walk nonchalantly as he comes toward her. Her heart feels as if it’s pounding against her ribs, getting faster and faster with each step. She feels almost sick to her stomach as the space between them shortens. Maybe it’s not really a sickness but this sensation that’s so powerful that it’s overwhelming. All these thoughts intrude her mind…she wonders if this time he’ll stop to speak with her. If this time he’ll glance in her direction. If today will finally be the day he’ll take notice. The moments before their possible confrontation it gets harder to breathe. Her heart is furiously pounding. Now the thoughts are screaming…”Talk to me! Look at me! Anything…” The climax is reached. He’s not even an arms length away. She can smell his sweet cologne. The screaming stops. Everything is silent except for the beating of her heart. She lingers for a moment giving that extra chance for something to happen. But he passes by. Again, without even looking in her direction. Again, without saying a word. And again, she’s left crushed.  Nice, yeah its more of a monologue then is a poem. When I first read it, the last few lines got me thinking the two people were getting jiggy with it lol but after re-reading it I like it. Its something I think everyone can relate too. A bit too cliche for me, but its good, I like it. Its not much of a monologue since its too yourself or to the audience, I forgot.. A Soliliquy! Thats what its called! |
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Apr 13 2005, 06:02 PM
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#6
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 ticktock. Group: Member Posts: 1,138 Joined: Mar 2005 Member No: 118,235 |
QUOTE The climax is reached. He’s not even an arms length away. She can smell his sweet cologne. The screaming stops. Everything is silent except for the beating of her heart. She lingers for a moment giving that extra chance for something to happen. But he passes by. Again, without even looking in her direction I love that part. Where it says "The screaming stops." I imagine a girl and a boy passing each other in slow motion. And where it says "But he passes by" everything goes back to normal |
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| *islandgirl4eva* |
Apr 13 2005, 07:35 PM
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#7
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Yay for monologues. You've been really doing well on all this girl! It is most definitely something I can relate to.
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Apr 13 2005, 07:37 PM
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#8
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 HAAAAAAAA. Group: Member Posts: 4,472 Joined: Dec 2004 Member No: 75,068 |
Ahh! I love it! It made me curious about reading more as I read each sentence.
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