Long-Distance Relationship Guide, General relationships too. |
Long-Distance Relationship Guide, General relationships too. |
*Intercourse.* |
May 11 2007, 09:29 PM
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#1
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So you want to to work out a long-distance relationship (LDR)? Or think you're cut out for one?
Here are some tips to help you if you need to know more, just PM me anytime. I'll help you with any question you have to the best of my ability. If you would like to know others' opinions, just make a topic and I'm sure you'll get it. Also for the Relationships: General section this is for any relationship. Anything written in this section was written by Josh (Uronacid) and me (Insurmountable) List of Content Relationships: General
Good communication is a key element to any relationship. There are so many problems in our lives that could be avoided if we only knew how to communicate with each other. We all know how difficult it can be to say things some times. I have been in the relationships section on CB for quite some time, and the biggest problem people seem have is communication. I can't quite stress it enough. I would say that the most common replies in the section are "Talk to him/her about it" and/or "Tell him/her how you feel". Please, PM me if I'm wrong. Good communication is extremely important in any relationship. Communication occurs more often than anyone thinks it does. It's the way you walk. It's your posture. It's the way you accent different words when you speak. Communication is found in more than just words. Good communication is vital to a relationship, and it's even more vital when you're in a long distance relationship where you don't have the ability to physically express yourself. You have to be able to consistently express yourself with dialogue, and at times this is extremely difficult. When you're angry or just plain moody/stupid you can't expect your partner to know how you feel and respect it. You literally have to tell them that you feel that way, or show them that you aren't in a good mood without saying or doing something stupid. It gets really awkward sometimes, and if you don't have to ability to do that I would suggest you either practice or not get into a long-distance relationship. Become a Good Communicator Learn to be a listener: Listening is the most important communication tool that there is. There are few things that can make a person feel so valued. Here are a few tips on becoming a good listener.
Learn to be assertive Being assertive means to express your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in direct, honest, and positive ways that are respectful. It's important that you to express yourself without affecting your partner in negative way. Here are a few tips on how to be assertive.
Benefits of Good Communication
Effects of Bad Communication
I have found love to be the foundation for every key element in any relationship. This doesn't mean that you have to jump into the relationship exchanging "I-love-you". There are different levels of love. You will feel love more and more as the relationship progresses (if it's a healthy one), but all-in-all I see love as more of an action than a feeling. I'm not going to get to complicated, but I'll try to cover what I believe the basics of love are. What is love? I believe… Love is doing what's best: You don't always know what's best, and the only thing that you can do is try your best. It takes practice. You need to learn how to love your partner by finding their needs. This is one reason why communication is so important (I'll talk about communication later). At times love is even doing what's best for you. This means that you have to know who you are too. Love is a choice: You make the choice to love. You make the choice to do what's best. Although love can be associated with a feeling, it isn't always going to be. Here's an incredible saying, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." Now that's a difficult choice. Love is a sacrifice: In many cases you have to do things that you don't want to do because you love someone. This is a sacrifice. Similar to when someone hurts your feelings and you forgive them even though you feel like they should suffer for what they did. You don't want to forgive them, but you do it anyways. You're sacrificing your own want for their need of your forgiveness. This is a good example because I'm sure many of you can relate to it. Love is difficult: Here's another great saying taken from the movie The Weather Man, "Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. 'Easy' doesn't enter into grown-up life." If love was easy, then what would be the point? It's easy to love during the good times, what about the hard times when the choices we make are difficult? It wouldn't mean anything if it was always easy. Love is relative: Different people need to be loved differently. John Welwood, author of Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships, writes, "We inhabit separate bodies, with different histories, backgrounds, families, character traits, values, preferences, perspectives, and, in the end, different destinies. We each see and respond to things differently, and approach life in our own unique way." Everyone is different, and the only way to find out how you need to love your partner is to spend time with them and practice loving them. This is particularly difficult to do in a long-distance relationship. Having a good understanding of love is very important. After all, if you don't know what love is how would you know if you actually love someone? I'm sure most of you are asking, "What the heck is codependency?" I log onto the relationships section a lot, and find that many of the people in the section asking advice tend to show signs of it. So what is it? Codependency: A disorder often characterized by ones excessive need to take care of everyone and everything around them while in return neglecting themselves. Co-dependency is common in individuals who come from dysfunctional families or have traumatic childhood experiences. Understanding codependency is important. People who become addicted to a relationship are codependent. I see this all the time on CB. People are being abused by their partners without even realizing it. Have you ever seen someone who dates a total jerk, but still treats that jerk like gold? It seems like he/she is always trying to please that "special" person in their life, but no matter what they do it seems like they aren't receiving anything in return. This is the average codependent on CB. Codependency is more common in females (especially with the ever-so-stereotypical "jerk guy taking advantage of sweet girl who lets it happen" situation), but is becoming increasingly more common in men. Here are a few behaviors often found in an individual who is codependent:
How does codependency form? The most severe cases of codependency are commonly found in children who come from dysfunctional families or have traumatic childhood experiences. As a child you learn how to love and how to be loved. Many children who are abused (physically, emotionally) in a dysfunctional family quickly learn that they are worthless. These children learn to cope with abuse or inadequate love through disassociation (the numbing or shutting down of ones feelings). In one sense they yearn to be loved, but in another sense they're afraid of it and train themselves to shutdown. As a child you learn how to love and how to be loved. A dysfunctional family or abusive childhood and sever this process, teaching a child that he or she is unlovable. In this world we are taught to compare ourselves to the people around us. Even as children we are taught that being better than those around us will give us our worth. Comparing yourself to others can depreciate your self-image, and eventually leave you feeling worthless or unlovable. As a codependent you will always need someone to look down on to feel good about yourself. The trouble with this is there will always be someone who to compare yourself to. This is why that lovely girl in high school is always trying to please her jerk for a boyfriend. She subconsciously thinks that he's going to leave her for another girl who is better than she is. Ultimately, codependency comes from what many call "a mood of un-love", a firmly implanted belief within telling you you're unlovable. How do you overcome codependency? Unlike most problems that can arise in a relationship, recovering from codependency can be fun. Recovering from codependency is as simple as being yourself. Codependents are afraid to be themselves because they don't like themselves. To overcome codependency you need to be good to yourself and learn to be thankful for who you are. Ask yourself questions such as, "Are the people I'm hanging out with as concerned with me as I am with them?" Find out who may be taking advantage of you. You may be allowing them to take advantage of you and need to detach yourself from those who abuse your kindness. Learn to say "no," and set up healthy boundaries that keep you from being used. If your current relationship is too constricting, you may even need to break away from your current relationship to find yourself. Never try and change yourself or your partner to fit the "needs" of the relationship. Never go into a relationship with any intent to change yourself or your partner. This doesn't work. Instead, either work at accepting each other for who you are, or if you can't accept each other for who you are break off the relationship. The single life is only as depressing as you make it. *Currently being edited. Ten signs to show you that you may not be cut out for a long-distance relationship.
Signs to show your partner might be unfaithful:
Is your relationship "real"?
I understand completely that in a long-distance relationship, you both don't exactly feel a physical closeness that you would if you both were in a relationship around each other constantly.
Instant messaging Do's and Don'ts Do's
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May 11 2007, 09:34 PM
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Pocketful of Sunshine Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 8,690 Joined: Nov 2005 Member No: 289,004 |
Props to you two for writing this. Looks like it took a LOT of time. This'll probably be usefull to some people.
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*Intercourse.* |
May 11 2007, 09:40 PM
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^Oh yea, it took tons of time. Haha a couple of months I think? We talked to Mona about it a while back when relationships only had one pinned topic and now that shes not on staff is quite a shame. But I thought I would still put it up. I may have to add a little in some of the parts but it shouldn't take to long I hope.
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May 11 2007, 09:43 PM
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show me a garden thats bursting to life Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 12,303 Joined: Mar 2005 Member No: 115,987 |
Totally ripped my communication philosophy. Heh. It wasn't really mine..it was more..common sense.
But this is good stuff. Lots of truth in here, yo. 9000th POST! WHOOT! YAY BABY! |
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*Intercourse.* |
May 12 2007, 04:31 PM
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^Wha? I've never read your communication philosophy xD
Congrats to 9000! |
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May 17 2007, 03:33 PM
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Newbie Group: Member Posts: 1 Joined: May 2007 Member No: 524,336 |
what do you do when one person becomes too attached? like they NEED to talk to you every second of the day even though both of you should be living your lives where you are.
i mean an occasional call a day is fine but what do you do when it gets to the point where its too much? |
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May 17 2007, 04:21 PM
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Don't touch me you drink! Group: Member Posts: 310 Joined: Apr 2007 Member No: 518,707 |
this is very good!
I'm glad you guys took the time to write it |
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*Intercourse.* |
May 18 2007, 12:50 AM
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what do you do when one person becomes too attached? like they NEED to talk to you every second of the day even though both of you should be living your lives where you are. i mean an occasional call a day is fine but what do you do when it gets to the point where its too much? Yeah, this is when that whole communication factor needs to be kicked in. And being honest with each other. The best thing you can do is just talk to them about it and give them some options. For me I would probably just start ignoring them a little just so they would get the point and then after a while start talking to them again. If you don't want to do something like that though the best thing I can tell you is to just talk to them and hope it gets through. -sorry not the best piece of advice. I haven't really been in the relationships part of this site in a while. |
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Aug 2 2007, 01:50 AM
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CheccMate Foo! Group: Member Posts: 839 Joined: Dec 2006 Member No: 487,531 |
OMG what happened? just when I really needed advise on long distance.
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*Insurmountable* |
Aug 2 2007, 12:12 PM
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^There you go its back up
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*Insurmountable* |
Aug 2 2007, 12:23 PM
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^lol it should be! It took us a few months to write it all and get it approved. xD
Edit/ (saw your edit) I would add that, but see its mostly to help others communicate better in a internet relationship. I personally find if someone is in a internet relationship it would be more respectful for them to break up in a instant messenger rather than a e-mail. Most commonly internet relationships don't communicate over the phone most of the time so they probably would have the chance to do that either. |
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*Uronacid* |
Aug 7 2007, 11:22 AM
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Wow, I'm glad so many people like this. :]
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Aug 7 2007, 07:35 PM
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isketchaholic Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 2,977 Joined: Apr 2007 Member No: 516,154 |
ahh i like the REAL RELATIONSHIP part..this is great!
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*Insurmountable* |
Aug 7 2007, 08:28 PM
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Aug 7 2007, 08:32 PM
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s e c r e c y * Group: Member Posts: 471 Joined: Jun 2006 Member No: 417,181 |
DON'T DELETE IT. :O
it's good. :] It can be useful to me one day. |
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Aug 7 2007, 08:36 PM
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Naomi loves you. Y'all may call me NaNa Group: Official Designer Posts: 2,925 Joined: Jun 2006 Member No: 427,774 |
These are good tips
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Aug 7 2007, 08:41 PM
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<< >> Group: Member Posts: 579 Joined: Jan 2007 Member No: 495,827 |
*waiting for the jealousy section*
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Aug 7 2007, 10:13 PM
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<< >> Group: Member Posts: 579 Joined: Jan 2007 Member No: 495,827 |
HEY! I demand you put it back up long enough for me to copy/paste a section.
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*davinci* |
Aug 7 2007, 10:15 PM
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Is there a reason why it was removed in the first place?
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*Insurmountable* |
Aug 7 2007, 10:19 PM
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yea there isn't any point in it.
What section do you want? I'll give it to you. |
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Aug 7 2007, 10:20 PM
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Believe in Magic. Group: Member Posts: 37 Joined: Jan 2007 Member No: 497,854 |
Yeah, Hollz put it back up D:
I gave it to Mike to read, to realise where he screwed up in our relationship {offtopic} how are you lately? :x [ew i have to edit my sig D:] |
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Aug 7 2007, 10:20 PM
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<< >> Group: Member Posts: 579 Joined: Jan 2007 Member No: 495,827 |
The one with the Dos and Don'ts. Also, the one with Love.
Thanks in advance. |
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*Insurmountable* |
Aug 7 2007, 10:23 PM
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lol okay i'll put it back up but only because Crystal persuaded me too xD
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Aug 7 2007, 10:23 PM
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<< >> Group: Member Posts: 579 Joined: Jan 2007 Member No: 495,827 |
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*Insurmountable* |
Aug 7 2007, 10:24 PM
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#25
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uh well
i cant put it back up it says I cant xD |
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