ok. wow. i feel just, er- wow. i lied in about 90% of what i said in my last entry [not the last one, the one before that. and not 90% of it, but 90% of what i said about patricia and jaylyn]. then didnt delete me from everything, just banned me from their guild. they dont think im going to become a slut. well- er- they said thats 1/3 options. the other two were be hurt in a relationship and get a beatdown or something.

but the thing is, i lied and now i feel like poo. no, worse than poo. dirt. but now it feels weird. if she was reading that one, what other cb posts was she reading? i feel like i cant do anything without her or jaylyn popping up out of nowhere. i was on yahoo and then jaylyn im'd me saying i was banned from the guild. kristeen im'd me the day before that [ i think ... ?] and asked me what was wrong. people keep e-mailing me i just........ i just want to be left alone. but no. they think that im running away from my problems, and that if i try to be left alone nothing will get solved. which is why they try every way to help me. which is sad, because its not help. most of it it capitol letters cussing me out telling me how pathetic i am. then in the end they calm down and say "were just trying to help"

psh, puh-leez. all i want from anyone is to be f**king left alone. when i read that pm on gaia saying that she found out, i was like "holy fcuking shit". its like doing something horrible and your parents finding out. that feeling that......... you just feel so bad. and patricia, if your reading this........................... stop.

k im done. 9 days till i see dad again. i wish it was shorter.
life is pissing me off.

cB Diary,

I recently got a boyfriend, and a job. I'm proud of myself :)

Dear Createblog Diary:
My dad is a f**king bastard who wants me to have no life, whatsoever.

Dear createBlog diary,

It's unexplicable, this misanthropy of mine, but it becomes stronger every day. I wish I could explain it. I'm cracking. Ugh.

-Me.

Dear Createblog Diary,
Oh hmm. Well today I hung out with Francois. It was mm interesting. Fun too.

Anyways. Wow the school year is starting soon. I'm done with the past years. The whole "school is shit" stage. I'm tired of feeling like dumbest one of my friends. I'm done with giving up. I know I can do better than what I have done. I know I can. (Wow. Was I being optimistic..?). Ugh next year I will do better. I just need to belive in myself. if nobody really believes in me well who cares. (Maybe thats what has stopped me from doing better. ) jkfsdhfj. I just want to make my parents proud for real. More than anything, I want to feel proud about myself. I mean really proud. I never feel proud about myself and nor do my parents feel proud about me. They might say so but really they don't mean it. Yeahh.

<3 Lorena


EDiT:

10:47pm

Dear Createblog Diary,
Okay I'm back. I'M SO PISSED OFF. It's not even funny. I was so excited. I was going to hang out with my two best friends that I NEVER ever get to see and we were ALL available. That's like NEVER. Booty is always playing sports Cristina is always free actually and I'm usually hanging out with my friends or have other plans. I hate the "Isamar" girl. She's a little snobby 7 year old acting 12 year old. She talks too much for her own good and she think she's hella mature. The three of us don't want that snob up our asses so we were just like eff it. I cancelled. Booty is going to be hella pissed bc he had to cancel his plans. Ugh freaking frack. Stupid kid had to visit NOW. Talk about bad timing. Can Cristina, Booty and I be ANY more selfish? I don't think so.

<33 Lorena

Createblog Diary,

i just addmited im in LOVE with him. wow. i felt..something...like rushing through my body. that feeling i got with oscar and george<3. the pressure on my chest and the feeling like my heart was caught in my throat. wow, i .. just admitted it on my 369 post. what am i going to doooo. i cant fall in love again, and ... not be with him. his stupid mother. lordy, cant he just be with me without her knowing ? maybe i really dont love him though, ahh shattup bella. |:| confused.

dear cb diary

been in bama since the 2st. i'm kinda ready to go home because i have the book to read for advanced english

dear cb diary,

i wish i could get out more. i wish we could actually do something at my moms house. i like the internet, but i want to get out and go somewhere for once. i just feel so... trapped in here... i want to leave... *sighs*

8 days. w00t <333

Dear cB Diary,
I love cB even though its only my second day.
I feel so cool 104 (well now 105 ) collective posts and 92 per day. There are a lot of cool people here I'm glad I am getting to know and so many helpful people :-).

Dear Createblog Diary.

Ohh boyy. Today was fun actually. I expected it to me akward and weird I guess but it wasn't. Hmm since Lorena has no life whatsoever let's go over the details..

I hung out with Tatiana,Andre,Lauren Wong,Lauren lee and Amanda then we went to Brians house but he wasnt home to we called him and he was like "I'm at alex's house" so we went to Alex's house and Drew, Alex & Brian were there. They took our chips and our soda. Hmm then we went to Tillman.

Afterwards, we left the park to walk to Tatiana's house. Hmm talked for a bit and Lauren got picked up so I walked to the Landing. I missed the bus so I decided to go to the other stop which was far but it was better than waiting. I saw James, Thi, Mac, Wesley.and Drew there. Yeah they told me to catch the bus with them (which wasn't going to be for another 15 minutes) so they told me to hang out and stand around there for a while .. lol. Hmm then Thi went home (it was nice seeing him.nice guy.) so Drew waited with us for the bus. (James,Mac and Wesley were going to take it with me) The bus came, Drew left and we got on the bus. yeah I was just laughing with the three guys. Mann they were soo loud. Yeah . Well Wesley was. Ha we were acting like we didn't know him. Mm hmm. I was walking home and I was craving tacos so I passed by and bought three tacos. How mexican of me ..

<333 Lorena

Dear cB diary,

I don't understand it. Why can't I understand it? It used to be so simple before, but not anymore.

Dear Createblog Diary--
Today was just the most awesome day! I called the International Baccalaureate Office and got my PIN number..I was so nervous typing it in to receive my scores, but I got a 5 on the French test! I literally screamed with happiness..everyone was so proud of me, I was so happy because of that. I seriously couldn't believe it.

Work was lovely..I got my second paycheck..so now I have about $200 for the Europe trip..I'm aiming for at least $1000, but we will see. I love paychecks. They are too great. I also saw him today, which made everything all the better. *sigh* If only life was this good every day. Oh well, I will enjoy it for now.

--Teesa

Dear cB Diary:

Today was all right. Wasn't too awkward or anything.. Only certain parts but it wasn't like the whole day was like ehh.. It was fun for the most part.

But ack. Around the guys I felt like I was watching a freaking horror movie. You know, when you feel really uncomfortable and you're scared shitless.. But you stay anyways because. Well just because. Besides I couldn't really think of a reason to go. The best way to get rid of a fear is to face it, right?

Yaaahhh.. And then I came home and went to visit my auntie. It was okay. I watched Miss Congeniality 2 and Hide and Seek.

Mmmhmm.. Summertime. But it feels like Christmas.

<33

Dear Createblog Diary,

somtimes life sucks. my life sucks. v__v;

--Frankie

Dear cB diary,

if i knew they would heckle me about the possibility of me being bi-polar i would have kept it to myself. i thought i could tell them and they wouldnt be immature and try to ignite my symptoms by upsetting me, angering me, depressing, me then trying to shoot my spirits back up to happy. f**king bitches i hate them so much right now. she doesnt even care about me all she wants to do is have FUN.

Dear cB Diary,

I thought I knew how I felt. I thought I knew what to do .. I thought I knew the whole story. I guess I was wrong. I don't know what or who to believe anymore. I'm so confused. I'm overwhelmed. I don't even know what to say.

<3 Lorena

dear cB diary,

god, they forgot about me so quick. and its all her fault once she knew i was getting close to her she swooped right on in and took advantage of her vulnerable times.

dear cB diary,

Whoo long day, parent gone 2 wedding I have been online seen 9:00 8:00 in the morning. where is everyone at? I feel like I am the only person typing. Im the top 2 poster of today wow I posting alot today. Almost 380 posts. I dont spam btw. I still got 9 hours or more till I go to bed... wow that alot of posts in 9 hours

-Liz

Dear createBlog Diary,

Today has been boring. Very boring. I woke up at 11, got up....um. Went online. Went offline. Ate lunch. Watched television. Giants won, thanks to me. :] Um um um. Watched more television....Went back online. Talked to people. Browsed through the usual sites. Got an offer from my uncle to go see Land of the Dead. I accepted, but my sister changed her mind and didn't wanna go, so I decided not to go either. But for some reason, I didn't want to
go in the beginning, but then I did. O_O And when she changed her mind, I still did. But now, I don't really want to, but that's because I feel extremely lazy at the moment. Ugh. Summer. But next week....Parents are on vacation. Sooo... O_O Six Flags. Milpitas. Fremont. -->SHOPPING! ...And parents.... T_T

--Cheryl

dear cb diary,

well, its all over. i got my last pm from patricia, and i think were officially done with all this fighting shit. im glad, because i did not like it one bit. well, im going to go to ncs next year, hang out with my new friends, and my life will move on from there...

summer vacation is being shitty. i literally wake up and get on the computer, eat, and then sleep. my mom wont take us anywhere. when i ask her she throws her usual bitch fit and starts crying. my goooooodddd...

well, i cant complain. im going to see dad in 7 days, and thats where the real fun starts. im still glad were going to florida...

...well thats all for now. illwritebacktommorow, kthxbye! <333

Dear cB Diary:

I feel lonely right now. No one is home.. And I don't know. Something's not right. After last summer I think I've just been trying too hard. Thinking too much.

Sometimes I wonder if I even need friends.

<33

Dear CB Diary,

i find myself waiting online for hours for him to sign on..Pathetic , i know..And when he does sign on..I sit there staring at his screen name..Almost wishing he would take the time to IM me..

I think he last IMed me on Thursday, the 7th..but it was only to invite me to a chat convo..Liane and Sharlene are at it again with the whole "My family is better than your family" thing..They had me vote..Sharlene asked me days ago to vote for her so i did her a favor..But what i didnt expect is for Joash to IM me...i was wierd..Maybe 4 "Hi"s in the last year and then BAM he IMs me..And the convo we had carried on for awhile..Untill he had to sign off..i think im starting to like him..im not sure...hes been hurt so much in the past..and its a shame cus hes a really great guy..hes not the type of boyfriend that would hurt his girl...he deserves so much better..i guess i just want to show him that..hes really cute..like really cute too...and hes everything i want in a guy..But hes going to high school..and im going to 8th..two different schools..he'll probably forget about me -.-... depressing..

Im thinking of revealing my feelings about him to his sister, Mozelle..Maybe somehow she'll accidently tell him..maybe he'll feel the same..maybe we'll hook up?? i completely doubt it..but theres always that possibility...*sigh* the only person online right now is Sharlene..Im dying for Joash or Pono to sign on..Just to stare..and wish..and hope.. im hopeless

Until next time

Dear cB diary,

EMI'S LEAVING!!! NOOoOOO!!! WHY??!!! i'll miss her. this goes out to her..
I'll miss you...

Your ability to make me happy when i was down. Your up-lifting smile. I'll miss knowing you're only a phone-call away.
I'll miss your laugh. I'll miss the way you would text me for help. I'll mss the way you trusted me like no one else did.
I'll always remember the stupid things we did. I'll always remember being immature in the middle of Times Square.
I'll always remember the things you told me. About you. About other people. About what will happen. What could happen. What has happened.
I'll never forget the mucking around in maths. The unstoppable laughter. The unstoppable us.

=( aww i feel sad now. lol

dear cB diary,
im bored but not sleepy =| tomorrow is franco`s birthday .. we are probably going to the beach and be there for like a whole day. hah. tanning here i come! ;D

-- adrienne.

Hey.

Whew, I'm exhausted.
I haven't slept in a few days and I've been walking a few miles every night lately.

Oh, I played bloody knuckles and quarters with Zena today.
Yeah, she won.
My hand's so swollen. It took a few hours for me to bleed though.

Hm... it's my dad's birthday today.
Great. Another holiday.

Well, see ya.
That's all I have to say, really.

-Brie

dear cB diary

i feel all lonley. i think i need to get out of here, and find my way to stockton.

Dear CB Diary,

im so bored..Just got back from Taco Bell..Plenty of left over Tacos but im not too hungry..

i havent heard from Angelita and Kim in awhile..I figure their not home because of the Tornado in florida..but still..i miss talking to them...i hope their not gone too long and i hope they stay safe..i dont know what i would do without them..

Did i mention that tornado?? i swear..im scared..its level 4 or whatever..highest is 5..thats pretty strong..i have a house in florida , a nice house at that..i grew up in that house..so many memories, good and bad..i just dont want them to be killed durring that tornado..i guess im not ready to give it up yet..its like that old saying..

"Memories are nice, but thats all they are; Memories..."

ive been so stressed and depressed lately ive tried to cheer myself up with the digital camera , but nothing..no one seems to go online now-a-days and i fear im losing my close friends..wondering what their doing , not even bothering to call..

My dad is flying out tommorow..Going to California i think..He'll be back friday..My mom is going to be working from 7:00AM to 9:00 PM straight..ill be home all alone for a week..thank god..my parents have been pissing me off lately..

i really miss school..not the work..or the teachers..or the bullshit..but being away from home for 6 hours..around my friends for 6 hours..i dont know..i like school..and this summer is going by so slowly..i want school to start already..theres only about a month left of summer..and boy, summer `05 was gay..`04 was the shit..really missin those days..

Last night i couldnt sleep , kept thinking about Joash..Then when i FINALLY fell asleep , i just drempt about him hes taking me over i swear..this morning i had to get up early for church..i sat there in bed day dreaming about Pono..guess im not over him..and in church , all i could think about was Pono and Joash..Lord forgive me this cant be healthy..stupid boys.. heh

Dear createBlog Diary,

Okay, today has been pretty much boring, just like yesterday. I listened to a ton of new songs today. That was fun, I guess. Other than that, it's been really uneventful until Vernon IMed me. Now why the hell would he do that? He was always rude to me online before, and then out of nowhere he IMs me and starts acting all nice. It feels REALLY WEIRD talking to him. O_O

--Cheryl

Dear cB Diary,

I need to get away. I just want to leave right now. I feel like I can't handle it. It's making me insane. I just want to ..quit. I feel horrible and I can't help but blame myself for everything.

Dear CB,

Today me and roxy scared my cousin to hell and back, the nigger walked to my house and was checking if I was "dead." Ahhh that shit was off da chains. Ah well. Also today in streetball a nigga jumped up and tried to alley-oop a bad layup and ended up gettin the ball ricoheted back in his face by the rim. The nigger was shamed today. I'm teifin a little cash from my niggas today ah well. I done with this shit, i gone

dear cB

I WISH I STOPPED PROCRASTINATING!!!!!! GEEEEEEZZZZ

ashamed

dear cb diary,

still rather happy about yesterday and i do believe i've sort of come up with a solution the slight problem...its a risk, but isn't everything in life? so yeah. i'm gonna talk to him later about that. i think it'll go fine. ahh...life. so crazy and unpredictable in sooo many ways.

//edit. just adding on...but yeah. life is great. really. i certainly changed perspective in a week, but thats okay. i'm happy, so whatever.

Dear CB Diary..

My dad is seriously pissing me off..hes my dad and i love him and all , but he REALLY pisses me off sometimes..im sooo glad hes leaving tommorow..its only for 5 days..but FINALLY ill get a break from him..

Now that hes gone maybe i can finally take pictures without him butting his nose in my buisness.."what are you doing?" .." whats that for"..arghh!! cant he just go watch TV or something..On top of that , he shaved his moustache today..Hes had a moustache ALL of my life..Seeing him without one was scary..its still hard to look at him..

Well my birds are out of the cage..Picture time?? ill try xP

dear cb diary,

well, i think for these last few days i might actually get ut of the house. sage and me are planning to go to dixie landin [theme park. roller coasters, yada yada] for a day. just us two, and her mom is she makes us >_>;;
she was like "well we need to meet up for these last few days your here. how bout dixie landin. yummy fries, hot guys, and i get to show of my new green shirt =P"
that got me excited. seeing sage is awesome. she has known me since i was a little 4 year old not even in school yet.
i forgot the last time i saw her. all i remember is tha it was some time last year, we went to the mall, and i got sick and we had to go home like really early or whatever. hahaha.... i felt so bad...

anyways, im looking forward to it. 5 days till dads house. YAY! ^_^

dear cb diary,

i'm in here way too often, but whatever. i just have that much to say sometimes.

well, just had an interesting discussion with him about his parents and well...the past situation. we were both at fault, but i still kinda feel mostly at fault...i mean, look at the relationship status i was in during that point in time. if you look at the entire situation from a few different points of view without any bias...i'm still the 'bad' person in this whole ridiculous thing. to all those people at school, to his parents, to him...ugh. its stupid. i know i made some mistakes, we all do, but right now its just...overwhelming a bit. i'm trying so hard to focus on what's been making me so happy in the last few days, but it still ties in with everything that has been driving me mad...i just feel so lost still...not as lost as previously, but still lost.

i just wish there was a way to prove it to everyone that i'm not so horrible and that things didn't quite happen like they appeared...they really didn't. its just...i don't really care about the other people that much...they don't matter to me. i just care about the parents...it just really bothers me what they think of me and so on, because its not true and i guess i'm just not used to parents disliking me...as awful as that sounds, its true. and its just...of all parents, his. 'cause their disapproval probably won't help us any...ugh. this sucks. this sucks butt, really. i won't hurt him...really. i'll try my best.

then there's the other party involved...ugh. i don't even know what to think about him anymore. he's changed in the last week and become rather...desperate sounding so i don't know. mind you, he's gone at the moment but i'm not sure what to do once he comes back. that should be interesting, mind you it will all really depend on his mindset by now. who knows...maybe he'll be more...sane now. i don't know.

life is so great, yet at the same time so very horrible. dammit all.

Dear Createblog Diary,
I'm getting away in 6 days. SIX DAYS!!!

I'm so excited.

Dear cB diary,

I dunno whats wrong with me.
This girl I kinda know from one of my tutor classes... well, I bumped into her the other day at the mall and when she saw me, she looked like she saw a ghost or something. Her smile disappeared and she immediatly looked away.
I did nothing... I SWEAR. I was just sitting there trying to fill out this application form.
Another completely unrelated topic, why do people seem so mad at me lately. know I can be blunt and terribly stubborn but thats only when I feel that I'm really right. I DO accept suggestions but you gotta keep in mind... youre giving me suggestions, I don't have to take them.
The reason why I'm asking is that I'm self conscious and I just need a little reassurance.... I'm working on my self-esteem... I try too you know. Don't get mad at me for that. It's not my fault.


Thnx for listening.
Much luv, ME

dear cB diary,

why do i feel so ashamed when shes the one whos such a bad friend ?

dear cB diary...
omg i am so happy today! i m not kidding! the guy that i have liked for awhile now, asks me out! i am so happy! i thought he would never like someone like me because i thought he wasn't over wif his ex gf ( who clearly has). i am so happy though! gosh! but i am afraid... of finding out that maib he's juss using me juss to make his ex gf jealous ( i asked him when we were talking on aim and he sayd he isnt... but do u know how easy it is to lie on AIM?), finding that his ex gf really has feelings for him ( cus his ex is mai best friend), or making the same mistakes i did like the ones from mai old relationship....but i am so happy anyways!

Dear cB diary,

Im so sleepless. I still cry alot for some reason.. maybe hes avoiding me I still never told him yet. I loved him but not anymore.

Well Monie (doggy) kept barking last night... at 1am - 2am... she needed to go out for a washroom break whoops no one knew what was up. lolz. She woke up the whole house now we are all tired.

Dear cB Diary,

Ah. Okayy well I slept over at my sister's house on sunday and came back today. It was fun. We went bowling and to the mall. It made me realize how much I miss her. I almost teared up int he car when we were talking about like how she left and stuff. It's pathetic but I don't know ..I was just always so close to my sistser. Ahh she seems sooo unhappy. I know she is because she told me. At night when we were about to fall asleep, she started crying and ah it was so depressing. She wishes she could come back but she can't. It hurts sooo much seeing her this way. fsdsh

<3 Lorena

Dear createBlog Diary,

My day was fine. Then you. SHUT THE f**k UP AND GO THE f**k AWAY.

Dear cB diary,

[8:36PM]

My internet just went down again. T_T I wonder why it does always around this time.. Bleh.

Well, yeah. I'm talking to Angie and stuff. She's moving out with her father in a few days and my grandparents move into their room. Finally! Last time, my grandma was a huge biotch. She started f**king hitting me and it pissed me off so I like.. hit her back. She was giving me the most scariest look EVER. I started crying because she told me I was worthless, useless, lazy, and that all I did was take up room on Earth. Then she told me she wanted to hit me to death, so I said "okay, fine, whatever. Hit me to death, HAVE f**king FUN. I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU!" and she started hitting me with my pillow.. my favorite pillow. ;x

Okay, so I bitched at her. I started to burst into tears. My mom and her boyfriend woke up and I ended up sleeping with my mom.. but I couldn't fall asleep. so I grabbed the laptop and stuck myself into the small, tiny closet. T_T Yeh. I was so f**king pissed. I only felt like talking to certain people.. like Cheryl and Ryan and Angela. ;x

- Toby.

Dear Createblog diary,
Today was a pretty good day. I went to Old Navy and got the cute jacket I spied on last week..I could buy it this time thanks to my paychecks =] I saw *him* when I stopped by to check my schedule for tomorrow..his eyes never left my face. Oh god..I don't know what's going on, but I like this feeling right now. I really do.

--Teesa

Dear createBlog diary,

I heard AP scores came in. I'm fucking scared. ARGH ALKSJDHFKJNASD

-Me.

Hey..

I dropped the summer algebra retake. I dug myself into such a hole again that I couldn't come out of, and I knew it. I'm retaking it during the year and then getting myself caught up the next summer, so I can be back into the honors classes.

I'm never repeating what I did in eighth grade. No more slacking off. More motivation.

Big lecture last night and this morning.... three to four hours long.
Not thrilling.
They're taking away all of my computer time eventually, but some of it is being eliminated right now.

Hm. That's about it. I'm exhaused.

See ya later, I guess..

Oh, and it's been seventeen days. Just thought I'd mention that bit of news.

-Brie

Dear CB Diary,

is it possible to love someone that you dont know?

To Brie: I'm sorry. It's good that you've been able to stop for 17 days. I'm proud of you =]

Dear Createblog Diary,
5 days. I can't believe it, the highlight of my year is finally coming in five days.

Dear Createblog Diary--


Why am I not receiving my A.P. scores? I am dying here. Please come soon, so I can at least know how horrible I did.

--Teesa

Dear Createblog Diary-

My brother is getting on my nerves. But, when do siblings ever not get on someone's nerves? I have done nothing but sit on my lazy butt and play on the computer all day. Typical summer day for me.

Is it possible to have a crush on someone you've never even *actually* met. -facepalm-

Coheed & Cambria is love. -sings along to The Light & The Glass-

-Courtney