Please comment!



(inspired by the book The Unquiet Mind... it's about bipolar disorder. I made this when I was learning about poetry formatting, and different techniques... It might be a bit confusing)



Brilliantly magnified
*Vividly colored!

I love it when
you take over
me,
your bodily tomb,
awaiting your
intoxicating rush
Seductive my eyes
they stare-->>> x
penetrating into your lust~
ill-defined
all the while
(feeding)

my head
in
total
mania
R u n n i n g

senseless and dizzy

leaving me on ^high
for days
for days
and restless END....
taunting +

the eyelids beckon... threatiningly too close

almost to end the hysteria

[madness]

of control-less thoughts and emotions

ispeaktoofastformyowngood

and other

tokens of forget-me-nots
and you l e a v e
the eyelids close.... NO



CRASH

\\\\\\\\\\
\\\\\\\\\\\




A cold sudden change fills my air


even though you've left, you're still there in low notes
piano keys hit by long, slender white fingers, belongings of a gaunt nothing
that ravage my soul, gnawing the insides
as I lay for hours in my bed, while the sands of the womanly figure
I cannot have, sink to the bottom hollow of Hades' own
for I await that rush but I stay devoid of feelings
and no other solace besides the lingering death
I have tasted at several occasions, haunts the jelly of my putrid eyes
poisoning with time, with a needle that has been infected
diseased by dirty waters of a cholera outbreak that loosens the very life
of me for at least twenty or more times a day while I lie
in a white hospital gown, downtrodden by the medications
my mouth slightly open, in utter lows I heave my frantic-ness
atop my hardened bed that has been patient to a few good disturbed minds
likewise mine, as I crave your attention:


high

Very interesting, I don't think I've read a poem like that before, I like the style. It was very good.

Very good poem - I like your choice of words. :) The word effect is so cool.

very very interesting i love the form you wrote it in too

thanks
hm, any suggestions for improvement?

It's great, but I just don't like how the actual generic poetry structure is about half of it. You should've just separated the poems or shortened it. That's my only suggestion, though. It's really good.

hm, maybe I should have separated them... alrighty, thanks for the suggestion

I think it's really good. The fact that it's all thrown around like that does give you the mood of insanity. I think you should cut the punctuation marks though; it's kind of weird. And I think you should try to keep it short and choppy or long and descriptive and not try to mix both because, like Kathleen said, it'd be better if you just made two poems of them.

i think it is perfect just the way it is. the puntaction adds to the mood of insanity
AWESOME

but I like the punctuation marks though I thought it added to the effect of mania
thanks for the feedback though!