two plus two
doesnt always equal four
theres more than meets the eye,
5 different types of sighs .
one more way to die .
drop the knife
pull the trigger
kiss my lips
hold me closer .
close my eyes,
count to three,
four more seconds till i die .
walk around me
once not twice
now once more, make it thrice
take your aim
make it precise
bang bang .
my heart stops,
the very one you broke .
bang bang
now i'm dead .
you kno what?
f**k what they said .
yu should have told me
you loved me instead.
nine more f**king lives to live,
one last heart to break .

very nice. it captures emotion nicely.

good job

could've flowed better, seemed choppy.

the point was to make is seem choppy . so the people reading the poem would be able to feel the rush that the narrator was feeling .

then why not make it like the sea in the building of a storm and go all the way with this?
an example.
"f**k what they said .
yu should have told me
you loved me instead.
nine more f**king lives to live, "

parts like that could be reworded, and no im not talking about the f-word.

^wth?

anyways, i like it, with all the emotion; and yeah, i like the way you made it seem choppy so that you can feel the rush. <- sorry, i didnt know how else to explain it

the sea gets choppier.

oh one word: wow

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well done, i like it

wow! :].. speachless

I write poems all the time and post them on here and my xanga. no one ever reads. you did do a good job, i dont think i mentioned that before.

wow..that was really good..
nice job..

The "choppiness" of the poem adds to the edgy effect, in my opinion. It moves erractically...perhaps like you thoughts at that moment? You did really well. I quite enjoyed it. WRITE MORE!