Philly Girl: The Darkness Unwound
* None of the name's have been changed F*ck the innocent, I havent been for awhile now.
I feel Like getting everything off my chest, so I'm going to. For a first. Down to all the dirty details, at least as best as i remember them.
I can't even remember when it first started, I guess when mom started leaving me alone on weekends, I'd go over to a friends house and get high and wasted, I did that same routine for about three months, then my mom decided she was going to go away for a weekend and lock me out. I was really close with my neighbor at the time so i crashed at her house, then one day turned in to two, then three. Weeks passed by, I decided i didn't want to live with my alcoholic, control freak of a mom anymore. She called night and day saying she was going to call the cops and have me thrown in Lima, a Juvenile Delinquent Facility. I took refuge in what few friends i had, the people who weren't mad at me one week then asking for weed money the next. Jaki and Nikky had grown to be my sisters, My one outlet for what ever life had to throw at me. We all came from broken families, broken homes and we supported each other as best as we could. Mom eventually stopped calling and i began working for my neighbor and Second "Mom" Dey. She was thirty-three and mom was convinced from the start of our friendship she was a "pedophile", "What women in her right mind hangs out with a thirteen year old?" She'd ask over and over taking sips from her drink with Vodka and whatever we had to mix it with. I remember when i was 13 and couldn't dream of taking up smoking or ending up like my mother drinking and moody. She had Bi-polar, a genetic disease that i was susceptible to. Before Dey, I had ran away from home three times, all three I had gone to my Aunt's house, it never lasted more than a few weeks, I remember the last time though. It was Christmas and My dad had sent money, from where ever in the hell he was that week, so i could have a "good Christmas." My aunt was talking on the phone to my grandmother about how ungrateful I was. It wasn't the first time, my whole life I've been called ungrateful and inconsiderate, As hard as i tried to be these things i just couldn't please anyone. I got a call later that night from my mom, She was drunk as usual and missing me so. She went on for hours about how she'd change and what could she do to make me come back finally she broke, "either come back or I'll send some one for you, They'll take your aunt away for kidnapping and you'll be thrown in Lima. The were we'll her kids be? I'll tell you, in foster care." I flipped. How was i suppose to know it wasn't true? It was midnight when i woke my aunt up and told her i was going home. I fought back the tears as she spewed mean things at me "This is it Erica, This isn't a motel, I'm not saving you again. If you want to go back fine, but don't come crying to me when she's drunk and screaming." I just didn't want them to take away my cousins, i know what happens to Foster kids and i couldn't let them go through it, i was already suffering why should they? That was the last time i ever reached out for help from my family.
Dey and i lived together for about three months during that time i was working for her, saving some money and spending the rest on drugs alcohol and cigarettes. I'd go out on the weekends coming back at 1 in the morning piss ass drunk, her being already in bed and wake up the next morning and go to work for her, During this time Dey decided to come out of the closet I was fine with it but I'd get ridicule from my so-called friends all the time, asking if i had been up "late" with Dey, numerous remarks about me and her having a sexual relationship. some days i couldn't stand it but they were my only friends and what could i have done about it? The summer wound down and I remember the Last party i went to, It was at my friend Guido's house, I got Drunk and High and sat around with my friend's and smoked cigarettes, that was the norm for me. Afterwords Anne, her brother Chris and His girlfriend Candy went to there house to sleep it off. Chris, Brent, and I were driving to Brent's to drop him off, Chris was flirting and i was back, We were following Candy and Anne closely. I guess a little too closely because he stopped for a few seconds until they were a little more them out of sight. We dropped Brent off the in the parking lot Chris made a sexually remark, i responded jokingly but he took it serious, He unzipped his pants and pulled out his penis stroking. I looked away and laughed thinking, "he's drunk just let it be." He started asking if i wanted to touch it or if i wanted to "have it in me." I told him no and said that candy would be worried if we didn't get back soon. When we got back we watched TV and eventually Candy and Anne went to bed and Chris and i stayed on the couch watching t.v. I think about this a million times everyday. What if i had went to bed then too? or what if i had told Anne? I can remember every detail, and it's hard to write, At the hospital later on I would tell my counselors i was raped, by my best friends brother, and whats worse, I told everyone it was Consensual.
After that it went down hill i couldn't enjoy smoking weed anymore, I'd get anxiety attacks and i would drink till i puked and my memory's still never faded, Of the mom who wouldn't stop drinking, Of the dad who didn't care, the brother who moved out and left me and of my self. I'm not sure how it first happened. My earliest memory was me crying so hard i couldn't breath and my mom screaming at me from behind a closed door. I took a pair of scissors and sliced away at my skin letting the deep intoxicant of pain melt away, I had only done it a dozen or so times before. But after that night at Chris' i did it more and more, it felt good, taking my mind off the mental pain and concentrate on the physical for just a few moments. That was worth a lot more then any drug could do for me. The cuts and scraps needed me and i needed them. Every night I'd wash them, clean them and dress them, and every night they'd comfort me. Dey found out eventually and sent me to therapy. She said i had a lot of anger and after a few sessions Dey kicked me out. Apparently i was getting in the way of her and her girlfriends new relationship. It was thanksgiving weekend and i was going to visit my mother for the holidays. Dey drove me up, all the time i was taking down street names and memorizes scenery in case i needed to get back "home". I remember that day more then Chris' because of all the things that had happened to me in the past, the rape, drugs, Family hating and leaving me, they would never amount to this one day, the day my heart shattered and i lost all hope. My mom was drunk as usual Dey came in said her Hi's and Bye's and left me. My dog sierra ran to my feet and started jumping on me, as i remember it, mom was nice and civil for a change, and her boyfriend was at work. I put my stuff down and we had small talk. We went to my grandmothers house for dinner, it might have been because my grandfather died that day, i can't be sure. There in the living room i over heard my mom obviously drunk yelling about how i should be more "grateful" and that I'm a screw-up and "nobody wants me" I did the only thing i could do, i ran downstairs and called Dey. she told me it would be okay and she was just upset over the death. Never once did she say i was staying with my mom. That night i was crying a lot and mom was still ranting about how Dey didn't want me and Her girlfriend was more important then me. I didn't believe it. I couldn't. i gathered my composure after crying in the bathroom for two hours and asked to go visit my friends in the development Dey lived in, Mom was hesitant but Chip agreed. The next morning i went back to Dey's using the key she gave me and i took a shower, after getting out Dey met me in the hall, "What are you doing here?" I came back to take a shower, I don't want to go back Dey, I'm sorry. That's when she told me," I thought your mom would have told you, your living with her now, not me, she wants you back Erica and i can't keep you if she does. I wanted to beg and plead, tell her I'd be better and wouldn't fight, tell her I'd never curse or smoke or drink again, but words just failed me. She didn't want me either, that was strike three in my book. My dad, My Aunt, Her. I was a lost cause now. I went to my friend's house and cried on her shoulder as best as i could, tears didn't faze me anymore, i was broken and black inside. Walking down the stairs to her basement i saw something that caught my eye, A pack of five razor blades, i quickly put them in my pocket. and went to the basement to join my friends. They all comforted me, saying mean things about Dey and how they were going to get her back, nothing helped. Dey called my mother when i left and she came to pick me up. I don't know how but somehow i survived, i got use to having no friends at my bus stop ignoring the rumors that were said about me, and went through the motions day by day, Cutting to stop the pain Drinking to numb it, and smoking to rebel. I got a boyfriend in March Sean, He was a junior and i was a sophomore, we made a "cute couple" everyone said, He had a car and could get me out of my house and that was enough from me. we dated for nine months before i broke it off. During those months i had only cut about two or three times, once was while he was away. the relationship itself was based on lies and obsession, He stole from me and lied about stupid things, I'm still to this day not sure what was truth and whats was pure fiction. I had enough, my best friend Jaki, my sister, had moved right after my sixteenth birthday and after that, and Sean an i breaking up, i would never be the same. I started cutting again longer and harder, more frequently, I'd wear arm bands to cover up the cuts and scars. I skipped school and said "f**k You" to friends family anyone. One night it was real bad, my mother and chip who was now my step-dad were fighting about none other then me. I tried not to listen as my dog snuggled closer and closer trying to bury her head away from the noise, I took out my blades and Cut, but nothing helped. I went out into the kitchen when things quieted down and i i got Sleeping pills and Aspirin from the medicine cabinet and downed them both. I feel asleep scared, and unknowing, I Did Not Believe In God, so who would save me? what would be on the other side? I picture dirt and worms crawling over my corpse and my mouth opened but nothing came out. I got those pictures all the time, gruesome horrible pictures would pop in my head most of the time while i was in bed, but sometimes I'd be in Geometry and they start flying. Blood red monsters, with claws, Women cut up, me dead my arm hanging on the side of the bad with blood pouring out, that one i had the most, it was my secret desire. Images flew in my head as i said I'm sorry over and over again. Not to anyone in particular, well i guess Jaki and Nikky, i failed them, we dream of La and Moving there, getting as far from Pa as possible. I drifted off into darkness. I woke up up to my alarm blaring and my mom pounding on the door for me to get up.i begged her to stay home but she ignored me saying i was faking just to get out of school. the slow walk to school i crunched on snow as i made my way to the bus stop "I'm not suppose to be here, it was suppose to work." tears fell from my cheeks as i stood at my usual place across the street from all the other kids. i got on the bus and made my way to school, as i got off the bus i stopped my friend Amanda and pulled her to the side, Her and i had become friend's because of our English teacher, he made a remark that suicide was cowardess. He and i both disagreed and to have the will, and the courage to take a blade and press it hard enough to open the vein is anything but. I told her what happened and she comforted me and told me what she did when she felt that bad, We were both cutters and she was a free spirit. We became better friends as the weeks after my attempt ran together, i was skipping more not even bothering with homeroom just going straight to McDonald's then the dollar store. Jessica would come with me and we'd play cards all day waiting for the bus to take us home. Amanda and i eventually started going out, on a dare we kissed in front of the school just to prove we didn't give a shit. After two days she called me up at two in the morning, she was crying hysterically, She told me she was at the hospital and that her father had been shot and was in critical care, he probably wouldn't make it through the night. I comforted her as best i could, She kept asking me why? Why her dad? Why her? at that moment I refused to ever believe in god again. She broke up with me two days later. I understood, that night i cried all night long i took a razor blade and carved A P in my wrist so i would never forget, How i felt, How she did, how alone we truly all are. As i look at my wrist i can still make out the faint scar that's been a morbid reminder, I loved her, and still always will. After that i dated my ex Sean's Cousin that lasted five days until her family threatened to disown her. Again, I understood. I went into a hospital in January, A recommendation a school counselor made when she heard about my suicide attempt. I went for two weeks becoming completely Dependant on my friend's i made their, none of them judged me, they didn't take one look at me and Say loser or Loner or Gothic or Punk. They accepted me for who i was and the only thing i wanted to be, A depressed teen with problems. Mom's drinking came back into play, they wanted to know everything about her, they loaded me up on meds and sent me home, no after treatment was planned. After two days at school I freaked again, and i was sent back to the American Day Partial hospital. This time i stayed for one week and they planned after treatment for me counselors would come to my home once a week and they planned to put me in a school called Horizons, it was like a partial hospital. Everyday they'd check us for cuts but we were opened to lie, so i did. I met a girl named Julie, she cut on her arms, not wrists. We became close and i gave her tips to hide the scars ans cuts and she gave me the courage to press harder into my arm causing blood to POUR out of my arm and anywhere i wanted it to go, sometimes I'd stare at it watch it trickle down my arms to the floor or I'd go to bed feeling my sheets soak up with the warm and sticky fluid. The counselors came in for about two months, thats when i tried my third and final suicide attempt. I went to school and told my principal, honestly i just didn't want to go to classes. My mom was drinking more, and I'll admit it it was my fault. She couldn't understand why i wasn't more like my brother straight A student had no problems with life happy as a clam. Why couldn't I be more like Daniel? Why was he so different? This time i was sent to A full day Hospital. When i went home the counselors were there, they asked me if i felt safe, i said No. I wish i could go back to that day and say yes, i wish i could rewrite my whole life and make my mom not drink, my dad not leave, my friends not leave. But i can't. The hospital taught me some things, not what you'd expect though, i learned how to smuggle contraband into our rooms using anything from a fork to a broken off nail to scratch and tear up my skin. i got caught, and they noticed a pattern, every time i talked to my mom i ended up with scratches. My grandmother, cousin, aunt even Dey came to visit me. i wrote letters to Jaki and Nikky all the time asking them for forgiveness. I was being selfish, they needed me no matter what i was going through. We still planed to go to LA and Jaki and I kept in touch frequently I was the oldest and i needed to take care of them. They got a hold of my dad in Washington, Told me i was going to be living with him. The day i was discharged my aunt came and picked me up. She took me to a Phillies game and i spent the night, saying goodbye. The hospital diagnosed me with Bi-polar and depression. It took four days for me to get from Philadelphia to Washington, Driving with my grandfather. I met my dad after 12 years of him being Mia. It took awhile but we're adjusting. I can't say I'm wanted now, or that i feel loved and never feel like cutting. I think about it all the time, the blood and the relief that comes after. Not feeling loved is the worst, I still have low self-esteem and I'm worried that one day my dad will get tired of me and kick me out. I still smoke, no drugs though. I've embraced Buddhism, Meditation has helped me release some of my anger and frustration. My mom got sick in August, with Neropathy. She had to stop drinking. On my 17th birthday she was 100 days sober. We've grown closer now, but she and all my other family still don't know everything. Well they do now.