constructive criticism, yes.. but what is there to say if you know it sucks already?
anyway, i'll give you my 2 cents.
Search how other people do graphics like this.
Figure out how to translate ideas into actual things.
Stop figurin' and hop over to doin'.
Mhm. Mosh, if you need some inspiration to get your gears working refer to this infosthetics
. Beautiful finished
creations that should help you gather some ideas.
Notice how they are much detailed while still amazing to look at? Synthesize that and apply it to your own creation. I see much potential in your "rough draft/sloppy copy". I agree with others, I wouldn't necessarily post this in the Showcase Booth, it belongs more in Graphics Help. But that's just my opinion.