Dec 13 2009, 01:09 AM
First of all, I have yet to read the other parts, and am planning to comment on all of them, however I will give a general criticism about the overall plot and idea of the story. Normally I don't do give criticisms because I hardly have anything good to say, but I just spent the last several minutes reading this and I think I deserve to add some criticism.
Firstly: Your writing style is incredibly dry.
It seems that setting is a very big motif in your story, yet all I see are unfinished paintings of landscapes with very little color and life to them, sparse, blurred images that demand the need for imagining beyond the narrative.
And The Video Game references are somewhat amateurish.
I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't do it, because MAKING video games may well be a new creative outlet in the 21st century, however, the line about you feeling like Sora from KH didn't really give me any detail on what your character was feeling. You should use your own words or elaborate on the impression whatever scene you were referring to. The Sheik reference was humorous, though, but only because I imagined your character to look like Sheik.
Your character isn't expressing anything worth expressing.
When I was reading your story, I couldn't help but think the character is a shallow, conceited fool. The acne dialogue made me think "God, this idiot's trying to f*cking pass off the acne pills because his acne is painful." I hope your character gets off it in the next one and sticks to something like having a healthier diet, good sleep, and exercise. Because if not, it's just contemporary vanity that your character is facing. The depression is set in because of that? SERIOUSLY? ARE YOU f*ckING JOKING? So your character hasn't faced anything harsh? Maybe a break up, I'm assuming, but NOTHING ELSE? What a bland, boring, character. Even your character's philosophies are inept. His raison d'etre is so stupid. It's depressing, but not in a good way. All he's doing is whining.
Everyone in this society has a calender, or a clock, that they create in their existence as a means to progress with their lives, but they remain in this society because of that clock. You could use this motif more efficiently and in a much better way than just saying "people need to live the moment".
Actually, I'm not going to read the rest of your story. You should find something else to do in your spare time, or at least keep this in a diary.