Heyy, okay so I write this short stories about... well, let's just call it stories of a guy... "reflections of a guy with self doubt." And here are the first 4. If you read through 11, you'll notice an improvement in my writing. Enjoy, hopefully.

Drumbeat Shorts I - The Ceremonial Drums of Lost Starlight

Last night was All Hallows Eve.

Only one person invited me to something, but due to certain people, I had decided not to go. Instead, I got home and took care of stuff on the computer until about 7:30, videos and such. After that, I felt so empty I just had to get out of the house, wander about in that overwhelming darkness, lose myself just for a bit. Walking through the trail near my house, the jet black trees looming over me like rainclouds on a sunny day, I walked out to the field where no houses had been built yet.

And I was greeted by a drumbeat.

Now, I don't know what that drumbeat was. I thought it would be music from a nearby party, but it wasn't. I made sure multiple ways; but it was coming from some spot in the ground. I know it. What it is, I don't know. Maybe it's just fluid struggling to get through the pipes, and it sounded like a drumbeat, but it was very cool. I followed the sound to where it was louder, and when I found it, I could feel the Earth trembling below my feet with music. When I walked away from it, the sound faded, and the shaking stopped. What is it? I still don't know.

I like to call it the Ceremonial Drums of Lost Starlight.

I lied there for a while, looking up at the stars, the barely visible sparks that lay beyond our world. I call it Ceremonial Drums, because that was the first time I had ever heard them, and it was Halloween. As for the Lost Starlight...of course, the starlight we've been unable to see for ourselves, because of the own Artificial Life that we cast here down upon our planet. Casting self righteous truths we build up in our own mind, we can no longer see the Starlight anymore. That's just my philosophical take on it. So anyways...the drumbeat was still there. It was a noise I didn't mind. There were other noises out there, parties, people yelling from a distance, fireworks, and it all got on my nerves, because I wanted to hear the drumbeat some more. It was the only noise that didn't bother me. I lay there, with my cell phone (and of course, clothes) my only possession(s)...looking up at the stars, looking for the lost Starlight that was blind to me. I was cold. Something ached in me, I wanted someone to talk to and share this with. But that person was elsewhere.

And then came the Road of All Dust.

There was a trail that ran between houses, with somewhat tall grass hedging the dusty road. I felt like Sora from Kingdom Hearts, ha ha. Anyways, I kept walking this road for a long time. The drumbeat was gone, back in the place where no houses where, where the starlight might be heard...I was walking along the brink of Modern Suburbia, with Artificial Lights everywhere. The Road of All Dust. Dogs barked at me everywhere, and at first I was paranoid. Soon I just started running, with their barks disappearing behind me, roadblocks that existed only within my own mind. The crazy person, the one who wanted to lay out in a field rather than go to that teen party a few doors down. It felt very surreal. At the end of the trail, I saw my sister and her three friends...I think. It was very dark. I turned back and ran the whole way, hearing the barks of dogs follow behind me.

I was back in the field, just barely away from Modern Society, and the drumbeat came back to me. Soon I got up and started walking back through the woods. When I came to the crossroads, A black figure appeared before me. It was a guy's figure, I could tell that much. I turned the other way, his silence creeping around me, his pace quickening. This actually happened. Me being paranoid, I turned the other way and walked faster. Looking back every couple seconds, I saw he was gaining. Turns out, it was just my paranoia. The guy wasn't walkin' to me, he was walkin' to the house that bordered a house further along the trail.

The drumbeat came back after he was gone.

And I became angry at how Modern Civilization has made us grown to think this way. Paranoia is better than foolishness, of course, but I couldn't help it. How bad our society really is. Pausing to listen to it once more, I left the Ceremonial Drums, on that night of All Hallows Eve.

I had walked back to the roads of the neighborhood, and past a few roads to the lake by the Town "Square", the white building next to the park. One of the lakes by there, and I stayed there for a bit. Self righteous lights were everywhere, even in the water, Orange sparks sprang up from a fountain. I could see the stars even less out here, and no drumbeat came to me at all. I was disgusted, and starting heading back home. Walking along another lake that borders Milford Street, I walked until I was home. But I was still wondering what that drumbeat was, it made no sense to me. And I was sure it wasn't something in my own mind.

I'm traveling back tonight to see if I can hear it once again.

Drumbeat Shorts II - The Road of All Dust

Tonight I went back to investigate the drum beat.

This time I wore more layers. Grabbing my coat and scarf, I pulled a Shiek and walked out wrapped in layers. But it wouldn't help, I continued to feel that coldness as I lost myself down the Darkness of the trail.

Taking my step off the concrete onto the wonderful field, I instantly heard the drumbeat, and smiled for the first time in a while. It was nice to know that the magic would continue to exist. I still don't know where the beat comes from, and I probably never will. But that's why I will continue to come back to where the Starlight shines down upon. I lay there once again.

No matter how many layers I wore, I was still cold. I wanted a someone there. Maybe that's why I was there.

Tonight something else happened among the Road of All Dust.

I lay in the field for a while once again, staring up at the sky. Tonight, it was slightly more visible, with less lights on because Halloween was over. I was able to see the stars better as I said. The drums continued to beat. Tonight was just as surreal as the last. Well, I certainly play that drum beat in my head once in a while. But it was no surprise. To mix things up, I went to walk the Road again. This time it was different.

With people no longer distracted, and dogs not distracted at all anymore by parties, plenty of more barking was made than before. I wasn't worried about those roadblocks in my mind. Pushing right past them, I continued to walk and run as I saw fit. But something was new....the drumbeat followed me along the Road. Why is this so? I don't know. But as I approached the trail, the beat did not change. As random as it may be. I watched people talking with others in their homes, working in the garage, and I wondered why I had not seen anybody walking this trail before. But I already knew the answer, it didn't surprise me. Maybe you know it, maybe you don't. I hope you do.

Soon there were police sirens.

Now, plenty of dogs were barking at me, and maybe one guy looking out at me, but I was wondering if maybe the sirens were for me, if someone thought I was a creeper. After all, I was dressed in all black with my mouth covered by the scarf, and a hood over my head. I understand paranoia, but was it really so crazy for someone to be taking a walk out on that thin trail? Does the loner, really appear so crazy to those resting in the conveniences to their home, to the social people? I already knew that answer as well, and I once again wasn't surprised.

I was cold.

No matter how many layers I wrapped around myself, I couldn't warm the other part of me. But I knew that already. I just really wanted to pull a Shiek, ha ha.

Soon after hearing the sirens, a car pulled up with it's headlights pointing straight at me..when I began walking back. I guess the person was staring at me, wondering if I was out planning to get drugged up or have crazy sex; To quote my dearest Meelia, ha ha ha ha ha ha. I love that. Anyway, I walked and ran back, whatever I felt like, and I felt that this road and that field somehow kept relating to my own life. I would soon understand why.

Why did I call it the Road of All Dust? When I first wrote that, I wasn't sure why. Maybe because it was literally dust, ha ha ha. But I understand now. Every time I had walked across it, more and more pieces fell into place. It's beginning to appear like a gradual, very slow epiphany. Piece by piece, all the dust of myself seems to gather up and make more sense. Why is the night so surreal, why does it grip the human mind so? To each his own, I suppose. But I already knew my answer.

The farther you travel down your road, the more clear it becomes. The more messed up you become, the more you understand who you are. Put to the test. Turned to dust. To begin to understand.

That is why I will continue to call it that.

But for now, my time on the road was over, with the drumbeat continuing to follow me, fading away into the Starlight, as I went back to the road. I felt like going back to the field. As I lay down for a little while, I was able to stare up at a single star and make all the others disappear, that single light in the sky. Then there was a light down on Earth. Somebody carrying a flashlight began to walk towards me..paranoia was all about. Just as those dogs with their imaginary roadblocks, the person was walking along the trail, not towards me. There was somebody with a bike following behind. I lay still just for the sake of not being noticed, and they walked right past me. Did they really see me as one with the Earth? Do those that lay still never have purpose? I knew that answer to, do you? Hm. Curious, and anxious to have something else to write about, I started to follow far behind.

As I approached where the trail entered the woods, I got paranoid again, as it was very dark out and I couldn't see very far in. And then the nature of souls in us all made the decision for me. The Darkness would never both me, as long as I didn't bother it. Freewill. The spirit of souls. The ability to challenge the unknown. I began to follow.

I could see them as dots, if that was them..instead of the Darkness playing tricks on me. I continued to follow blindly, the trees looming over me like Angels of Death over a battlefield. When the Darkness was over, I came upon the Road of All Dust. A different one. Where the dust gathers, where the pieces that fall into place, it is the Road of Dust for that moment in time. I followed them down the short snippet, through the trail, past a couple houses. Just so we're clear, I kept very far away from them. I didn't want their attention, ever, no idea who they were. So then I came into a new set of woods.

I heard someone talking over a speaker or megaphone, further down the trail, but couldn't make out what they were saying. There were two roads...one that led to the safety of the neighborhood, and the other in which the two had gone. I followed where they had gone...to an extent. After beginning to walk, someone was at the end of the trail. I don't know if they saw me, but I could barely see them. But I could hear their quick pace, walking fast along the Road of Dust. I know last night it was nothing, but I couldn't see who it was at all in this case. And seeing it was past nine, I turned the other way. I looked behind and still heard him.

What was it about people that scare me?

I began running along the Road, back to the trail that would take me home. I hadn't run in a while before yesterday, sadly. It felt really good.

But I guess I began to see why this place was so meaningful to me. These people, these imaginary roadblocks, laying still...I'm not just doing it then, I'm doing it in my own life. It's the reason why I wore so many layers.

It's the reason why I'm so very cold, no matter what I do.

These roadblocks keep me running away from someone, they keep me playing dead, laying still, as I hope that nothing bad will happen. The dogs, I already knew that they had electric fences, I knew that I would never feel bad, that nothing bad would happen. But when it came to people, when it came to that one person, they all represented someone. This was something I already knew, but seeing it play out in a different situation was always fascinating. But of course, knowing something and acting on it are two very different things.

All of this was reminding me to act on it.

Not to play dead anymore.

I want to act on it.

But it's hard, for me.

Do humans have signs from something else in the universe, or is all this just something normal, and humans and all life for that matter have the need to interpret it as they see fit, so that they may find purpose in the universe. I know my answer. Do you?

As I walked back, I came out onto the street, looking up at the highest room in the tallest house. The room was shining blue, different from all the other rooms. The Highest one, my goal.

I have a tower to climb. Do you?

Find your own Road of All Dust and ask yourself these questions, as you listen to the drumbeat following behind you.

Drumbeat Shorts III - Where the Clock Should Have Stopped

Today was my third visit. I'll probably be keeping frequent logs of this place, and how it all relates back to some kind of thought I was having at the time. The Drumbeat stories, I suppose.

Before I go on; anybody who has alotta stress goin' on; I urge you to not spend your free time on the computer. Be out of the house, alone with your thoughts, away from everything you own. Anyway...

I went out for a half hour before dinner, though honestly I couldn't have cared less if I was late. I just wanted to be out there.

Even going out at 6 it was plenty dark. And even then, I saw no one walking around the neighborhood. Walking along the trail, everyone had their TVs turned on, and were watching a show or something, most weren't even watching the news or anything slightly informative. Though I guess that's not actually bad, considering how biased the news is these days, how much they pick and choose what to tell you. But that's not the point I was getting at in my thoughts tonight.

I could have, I wanted to, walk for hours down that trail, maybe with a certain someone, but I didn't have the time. I was so busy with everything else going on that when it came to crunch time, I had almost no time to spend with my thoughts, completely undisturbed from everything else. At home no matter what I do, I'm always slightly distracted at the least. I have alotta homework to do, or I have those few other novels I have to spend time getting together, or that food that I brought upstairs, or that DVD that I want to watch. Even years ago, I may have thought like this, but never attempted to go past the surface and be deep about things. Not saying that I was some shallow kid, but I suppose since I was always inside the house with something to do, I was never able to get out and resonate with that drumbeat.

Alotta people just get so caught up with finding something to do within their own four walls, that they don't take the time just to get out and let your spirit wander, be alone with your thoughts. I know I said I wanted someone with me, and I would, but even then being alone is an important thing to do, getting out away from everything you own is important, to think things over. So maybe just a bit alone, and then lie out upon the Earth with someone.

And I know I'm not that stressed academically, that other people have way more going on then me, so when do they find the time to listen to the Drums of the Starlight? I suppose most almost never do, and it's a shame that they can't find time if they're so busy helping others in clubs, or taking care of family, or anything of the sort in which they're just too busy. I just hope that they don't lose sight of who they are and the little things, even something as small as a drumbeat, that can be the most magic thing you've heard in a long time.

I didn't proceed down the Road of Dust this time, I didn't have much longer. They gave me twenty minutes, and I had already been out for ten. Getting up, I left the drumbeat and wandered back to the woods, coming out to the little snipped of road. This is when I saw even more people, just sitting there watching their TVs with for the most part, things that didn't really matter. Whenever I watch TV, I try to keep it to something meaningful, something that's worth my time, to listen to the message it has to say. And even then, most of the stuff I watch isn't even airing at the moment. I really don't care for the Office (dear lord why is that so overrated, yet Scrubs is so under appreciated?).

Most people are just so busy getting caught up their lives, they forget to take the time to step back. I guess that's what I was thinking about for the most part today, I thought about how I used to be like that when I was a kid. Innocence is my excuse, of course. Though there was one thing that wasn't changing.

I was still cold.

I wore as much as I did the other day, and even a thicker scarf than before. I tried to ignore that ache, proceeding to the nearby set of woods. This time, nobody was there, so I proceeded as planned. There, I could see from both sides everybody else's house. Every single TV was on, if I'm not mistaken. I can't be to critical, I mean it's not normal to walk around at night, unfortunately. Modern Society & growing selective paranoia.

So I walked out the whole set of that woods, coming upon another crossroad. The lights to my right were brilliant, coming from not just other houses, but town shops and fountains as well. Disgusting, there were nearly no stars to be seen there. I began to walk down a really long road, when I realized I had to get back now. I was gonna be late already most likely, but it was another shame. I was thinking about all the above before, but I had plenty other thoughts I wanted to be alone with, and I really needed to right now.

To me, that is where the clock should stop.

Not time, just the clock. Let the clock stop, yet allow time to proceed on. If all the watches in the world stopped ticking for just a few minutes, some people might just be able to step back and realize how much they spend studying, and working, and anything useless, and how little they spend in the moments where the clock should have stopped for them.

I was still cold.

Getting back to the real world now, I walked the whole way back. I could have ran, but oh well. Walking back onto my street, and back into my house, I now walked in just as dinner was being served.

Removing my scarf and my coat, I wondered why I cared.

Drumbeat Shorts IV - The First Self

Pills.

I had been taking this medicine for a few months now, since about July. They're acne pills, and they get rid of it forever if taken for a few months. Problem is, it has a very heavy side effect of depression. Like, really really heavy. There have been suicide cases with people, because the pill was the catalyst for them killing themselves. They make you sign this form in which you promise to stop taking it if you feel down, and even just with the cases, there's a big cardboard piece talking about that side effect as well. It can also cause internal organs to be damaged, it's a very hard drug on your body.

You can imagine where I'm going with this.

Tonight was a very tiring night. I'm already tired enough from the normal effects of it, but when I've had a bad day it multiplies. And most of my school days suck, so therefore, the effect sucks. I was walking down the trail, my eyes wanting to close and go to sleep right then. I didn't even go out that late, around dinner time like last night, yet there I was. I had even grabbed a walking stick I found (and which I kept) because I wanted to lean on it.

I wasn't taking them because I was oh so totally worried about what people thought of my face, I was taking them because it hurts my face. My acne hurts, and I want to get rid of it. It's even a little on my shoulders, and it hurts. And it seemed to be working, I have three months more to go. They only allow you to be on it for five months, because it's very very hard on your body. I continue to take them.

I was leaning on the walking stick, walking past the drumbeat as I went straight to the Road of Dust. It took me twice as long to walk it than normal, and I guess this is when my thought process for this began.

Pills.

The First Self.

I have a bad habit of beating myself up over just about anything. And since I was already sad before hand, and felt blue because I can't stop beating myself up, the pills weren't exactly helping with that. But I wanted to get rid of the acne. At what cost would the side effects demand, and for how long would it continue?

The pills lower the first self.

Even along the trail, I couldn't stop thinking everything over. Mostly stuff that's happened recently, little things that nobody else would remember, and I continued to kick myself in a corner.

The drumbeat continued, I kicked with it, finding every niche I could remember and just relentlessly blaming myself, blowing my own mistakes out of proportion. The drumbeat stopped, for a moment. I realized what I was doing, and I felt even worse, and I beat myself up over that too. I walked with the stick still, swinging at nearby grass and dragging it along the ground. My first self was in disarray.

The Blue Hero.

He doesn't want the pills.

He only wants the drumbeat.

I have my weak moments a lot, all of them when I'm alone. I can't stop this wave of sadness that keeps hitting me whenever I think of it again, and I hate myself for that, so I feel worse, I find another niche, and kick away. It's a vicious cycle, that I've been repeating over and over again.

The Blue Hero is cold.

Do I really want the pills? Consciously, I do. I know I don't want my face to hurt anymore. And yet; I question what subconscious motives I may have. Do I want to feel bad? That's possible. Because this time, I actually have a chance. However slight it may be, and I don't want to move on. But even if that's it, that's not all of it. I know my conscious reason, but can I trust it? Can I trust myself? I've deceived myself plenty of times before, I've even repressed a lot of memories. I can't trust myself; I can't trust the Blue Hero.

There is the first self; the self that exists within the selfs own mind.

I reached the end of the road, sighing and looking up at the stars; my eyes just a bit watery. I signed Blue Hero in the first, and dragged myself on back to the field.

The pills are cold.

This is my first self; the self that exists in my own mind. The weakness, the fragile person, the sensitive nature, shrinking and shrinking at an increasing rate. This is the self that lets me know I exist. It is how I exist. And I can't help but do it; I can't help but choose to be this way.

The Blue Hero can help it.

I don't want to be like this, feeling so low about myself. I swung my stick at more grass, continuing my walk back. My first self; I want to change it. I can change it, but in my own mind, within my first self, it feels like I can't. Can I change myself? Or will it take my second self to do the job? Will it take another self, a certain somebody, to influence me? To change me? To balance out my weaknesses, to learn from?

I wrap my scarf around my pill eating mouth.

Is this medicine a way for me to hang onto it? I do not know consciously. But my subconscious, my, the, Blue Hero, does know. I just hope he knows what he's doing; what he's putting at risk; the cost it's taking on himself. I'll choose to trust him.

....You and I, collide. A reminder. A sound. A reminder to remember, to not give up. My phone was ringing, I reach for it to find out I'm late for dinner.

I feel anger from nowhere, burning up within me. I feel sadness lighting the flames. Where in the world was this coming from? Can I really trust myself?

"I'm walking home right now..." I sigh, hearing anger in the background. My eyes water again, as they hang up on me.

I didn't want any more time to myself, to beat up my first self. I needed to get out of my own head for dinner time. Continuing to lean on my walking stick, I began my walk home. I still had my evening pill to take when I got back. The drumbeat made an effort to follow me.

My first self drowned it out.