Haha, does anyone else visit this site? It's so freaking funny.
I've actually made the time to read all these.
It's the best thing ever.

My favorites are:

Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the f*ck up!". FML

Last night I got a text message that said, "I'm drunk. Whatchu up to gurl?" It was my dad. FML

What are your favorites?

http://www.fmylife.com/

"Today, I went to McDonald's for lunch and ordered a salad. The man behind the counter looked at me and said "Well, at least you're trying."

LOL~

Thank you so much for posting this site :D I'm gonna have so much fun reading through all of these

^ No problem! Haha, I've been going to this site forever but I never saw any posts on it so I did! It's an amazing site. If you're ever sad, this will make you laugh your ass off!

ah I've already read the first page :D LOVE it!

Hahahaha =D

Today, I told my mom I was going through a growth spurt. She said "Yeah, horizontally." FML

Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML

Are these made up or real? rofl.

These are actually real! Hahaha.

These are so funny. I lol'd at this one:

Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom busted in my room to ask if I'm okay because she thought the squeaking was my crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML

Hahaha, yeah! That one made me weak, too!

Today, I was having sex with a girl I really like for the first time. After a while I told her I was about to come. Her response: "Lucky you." FML

omgosh this one had me laughing forever

Today, my girlfriend and I had sex for the first time. When I was on top of her, she asked me if it was in yet. I said yes. She sighed. FML

Today, I was home alone tanning in my backyard which is fairly secluded. I took my top off and laid there for awhile before I looked over and saw the UPS guy standing at my gate with a package because nobody answered the door. I looked horrified and he said not to worry, he'd seen better. FML
lmao. that's my favorite one so far.

oh snap, here's another:
Today, my group of friends, my girlfriend, and I were playing 'never have I ever.' My girlfriend's turn came up and she went with, 'Never have I ever had an orgasm.'

wait, found another:
Today, I went to the doctor for my yearly checkup. After getting my blood-pressure taken, my finger pricked, etc, the doctor began to ask me some questions. When asked if I was sexually active, I responded "Yes". The doctor started laughing.

Lol, I was going to post a topic about this place a while back. When my manager got hired at my store he would visit this place while we were working and just start laughing, so then he finally introduced me to this site.

It's great, I love reading some of the things. I think the one I always remember is something like..

Today, me and my boyfriend were laying down beside each other when he turned to me and grabbed my double chin and said 'gobble gobble'

lols.

Today, I asked to borrow my fat friend's pants for a semi-formal activity tomorrow. I figured I'd just get a belt to hold the pants up. Turns out, the pants fit me. FML

Today, I was looking after a hamster for a friend. My dog ate it. FML

Lmao

LOL I love these. They always make me laugh and feel better.

Today, my mom found a condom in my pocket while doing my laundry. Instead of having the subsequent discussion about the birds and the bees my mother simply asked "Who would have sex with you?"

Today, my sister asked if she could look through my closet to find something to wear. She is 6 months pregnant.

Today, in the middle of dinner, I went to rest my chin on my hand, missed, and stuck the straw from my drink straight up my nose. My nose bled all over the table. He hasn't called me since.

Today, I farted in my cubicle thinking no one would smell it. Two seconds later, everyone came to my cubicle to wish me a happy birthday. FML

Today, we were fooling around and I was just about to orgasm when she looks at my clock and says "I have to go LOST is on in 20 minutes." FML

Today, I came home to tell my parents about my new nose job I got about a month ago. My mom always told me I should get one, so I didn't tell her right away to see if she would notice. I was home for about 20 minutes before she asked me, "so when are you getting that nose job?" FML

Today, I left my glasses at home and while walking to the bus stop I saw the cutest girl on on the street smiling and waving at me from her front yard, I happily waved back smiling and kept going. It turned out that she was was crying and calling me over since her dad just had a heart attack. FML

^ FAIL .


Today, a customer that I've been waiting on for years came into the restaurant after a long absence. I said to him, "Hey man, it looks like you lost a lot of weight! How'd you do it?" He replied, "I got cancer." FML

^ awww !

Today, I was drunk and horny. So I texted "I want to f*ck your pussy" to my girlfriend. I later realized that I had accidentally substituted the s for the p, and actually said "I want to f*ck your puppy." FML

at work, we finally got a digital projector so our theater can show 3D movies. Our first movie is The Jonas Brothers Concert. FML

This is my favorite

Today, my mom : "You and your dad like all the same foods right? Try this for me", she then proceeds to give me a strawberry flavored jelly. I say that it tastes good and ask what she gave me. "It's my new nipple cream, I want to surprise your dad tonight." FML

"Today, my best friend slapped me and called me a some colorful words before telling me that she never wanted to talk to me again because I supposedly slept with her boyfriend. Not only am I a virgin, but I'm a lesbian. FML"

"Today, I was typing up a love letter on my computer. A sexual love letter. I was in a classroom, I'm the teacher, I'm gay, and my love letter showed up on the tv screen while my 7th grade students were taking a test. It was up on the screen for 15 minutes. FML"

Today, at my house, my friends and I decided to play hide-and-seek. I was the seeker, and after they hid I realized that I had to take a BIG #2, so I used the bathroom real quick. After I finished, I heard a noise. I opened the shower curtain to see that everyone was hiding there the whole time. FML


LMAO!

LOL!

yeah that site makes my day :3

Today, I was walking down the street when a homeless man asked me for some spare change. I told him I didn't have any. I then tripped. Not only spilling the soda I was drinking all over myself, but also spilling the spare change I had from buying it. FML


haha karmas a bitch

Dang. She deserved that one.

Today, I wake up, switch on TV and the first thing I see is the picture of a wanted rapist who looks just like me. I’m afraid to leave home. FML


Today, I slept over at a friend's house. We decided to dress up as ninjas and play a trick on her younger brothers, sleeping in the basement. While sneaking down the stairs, in the dark, her mother came home. Thinking I was a robber, she beat me with a lamp. FML


Today, Yahoo personals suggested 2 matches for me, a tranny, as an 87% match, and my own personal ad at only a 76% match. I am not even good enough to date myself. FML

I make a point to visit everyday. So funny.

"Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and he wasn't. About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was joking around and I started laughing. He wasn't joking. He was done. FML"

Pathetic!

lol I love this site, it's so hilarious!!!

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend of 5 years having sex with my best friend. When they saw me they immediately stopped and said nothing. After about 5 seconds of silence my boyfriend yells "April fools!!". April Fools was 12 days ago. FML

Today, I was snuggling with my neighbors four week old kitten while babysitting their kids. I fell asleep, rolled over, and woke up next to a dead kitten. FML

Today, I was informed from a fellow employee at a bar that he finally "hit" the boss' wife. I work for my parents. FML

That's awesome XD


Today, I lost it on my co-workers about how hard I've been working, picking up everyone's slack with no appreciation, and it was clear that I needed to find a job that actually rewarded hard work. As I went to grab my jacket to leave, I saw a cake and gift card for a cruise on the table, from the staff. FML



That one is.. wow. that's horrible.

oh god. i lost track of time.. i've been reading it for the past 3 hours or so..

Sounds good.