Oct 14 2008, 12:10 AM
Everywhere else I go, no one reviews my work and I want to improve. I'd provide a link to my story, but my forum was moved the last time I did that.
2042, the Era of Technomancy. People had begun to rely on magic and technology alike. Cars still use wheels but no longer use gas. At the brink of total disarray during the Oil Crisis, a renewable energy source called Omega had appeared from the Earth’s core. Life had jump started and technology began to advance. What couldn’t be foreseen, however, was that Omega had mutated the people in a non-physical way. Power that was once dormant, was now awakened. On the other hand, not everyone had this power. At first, people began to conflict. Races were no longer black, white, Asian, etc. Now, it was Human vs. Omegai. In the midst of a battle, a deity named Seilon appeared and put a stop to the fights once and for all. How this was done, is unsure. Even to the governments. Since humans didn’t have problems with Omegai anymore, Seilon decided to add more species to Earth. Elves and other creatures that were once myth, were now a reality.
The moon was a white orb in the sky and her red stained hands were wiped away in the snow. Miyuki Takai brushed her violet hair away from her Neptune-blue eyes to glance out the train window. An hour later, a silver metropolis glowed from afar. Shiruba-Keishi, the city she called home.
As the train pulled sat the station, an hour later, she walked along the platform on her way to the exit. A cat-woman with short blonde hair and red lips handed Miyuki an envelope before vanishing in the crowd. Once her mission was complete, Miyuki made her walk home.
Her dark apartment was lit by nothing but the moon. Miyuki went into her room, changed and finally took a look at the envelope. The orange sachet was adorned with an image of a crown and once she dug into the it, she pulled out a small silver star fell into her pale hand. Miyuki examined the star adoringly before embedding it in her collar.
“Only three more vacancies to go” Miyuki muttered with a smile.
With joy, Miyuki went to bed.
~**~ Partnership ~**~
Miyuki awoke and got ready. Her hair was short (like Violet Baudelaire) and she had two earrings in her left ear while having a crown-shaped earring in the right. She an indigo, off-shoulder dress with a corset that was long on one side, black combat boots with black stockings, and a black lace collar. She exited her building and strolled through the city.
[Three more kills and I’m a free bird] Miyuki thought, [Wonder if there’re any more jobs]
Miyuki entered a glass skyscraper and went into the elevator. With a card, she swiped it along the bottom of the button panel. The panel slid up and a computer appeared. Miyuki typed in the code and access was granted. The elevator went from A1 to B5, and once Miyuki exited the elevator, she was greeted by a computer.
“Welcome to CROWN, Miyuki Takai” the computer said.
CROWN. Meaning Control Rampant Omegai With Nanotechnology. Miyuki wasn’t out of control, she just didn’t have anywhere else to go. CROWN treated her well, but she preferred a lifestyle where she wasn’t just a killing machine. On the other hand, she had done her jobs with such expertise, she was one of the top hundred killing machines.
Miyuki entered an office where the woman with cat ears sat at a desk.
“Miyuki” the woman greeted.
“Save it Aedya, I need another mission” Miyuki said as she sat on a chair.
“You truly want freedom don’t you? We give you everything here” Aedya said.
“Yes, you’ve provided a home for me, which I paid for. That way, when I’m free, you can’t take my home from me. You’ve paid me, fed me, and even took care of me medically. However, I’m tired of being in debit to you.” Miyuki blurted.
“It’s just that...you do such a good job here” Aedya argued.
“Relax. I’m still working here.” Miyuki said.
Aedya smiled and pulled a folder from her desk.
“This task will give you another point” Aedya said.
Miyuki took the folder and went through it’s contents. She looked up at Aedya’s smiling face before putting the folder back on the table.
“You want me to bring another Omegai here to control?” Miyuki inquired.
“Not exactly. This Omegai is has been in captivity from a young age and needs to be saved. Thus, less stars need to be earned. You know, as compensation” Aedya said.
“Fine” Miyuki said.
Taking the folder, Miyuki exited CROWN Headquarters.
~**~ Save ~**~
Curled up in a dark corner, Vergil Augustine prayed for death. He had been in captivity since he was 16 and knew life wouldn’t improve. Captured from the streets during his life as a runaway, Vergil was put under many tests. If he had only been human, he would’ve been let go. Whenever, Vergil pondered: Which is better? Stay home or stay in the labs? He tried to think of a third option.
A ceiling tile was removed and Miyuki dropped from the air vents. With a small laser, she worked at the cell bars. Looking into the cell, she saw nothing but wine-coloured eyes staring at her.
“It’s no use. The cell is heat resistant” a voice said, hopelessly.
“Before I continue: You are Vergil Augustine, right?” Miyuki inquired.
“...Yes” Vergil replied.
Miyuki nodded and took a step back. With a wave of her hand, a ring of light accompanied by swords cut through the bars. Both disbelief and relief surged through Vergil’s body as he rushed towards his ticket to freedom. Miyuki stared at Vergil with confusion. He was thin and was covered in dirt and blood.
“Let’s go” Miyuki said.
“We can’t. Not without the others” Vergil said.
“I only came here for you” Miyuki said.
“Please” Vergil pleaded.
Miyuki had to admit, she couldn’t leave these poor souls to die. One by one, other Omegai were freed and they all stood behind the building they were captive in. Miyuki pulled out her phone.
“Aedya, I’ll need...two vans.” Miyuki said.
Half an hour later, two black vans arrived. Miyuki took Vergil in her car while the others entered the vans.
“Where are they going?” Vergil asked.
“Where you’re going” Miyuki replied.
Miyuki was called in the next morning and when she arrived in Aedya’s office, Vergil was with her. Vergil looked different. He was still somewhat thin, since he had some eating to do but other than that, he looked like a pinnacle of health. His long silver hair was now in a short and effortless hairstyle. He wore a black cropped jacket with a hood, a dark red tank top, black pants, black shoes, gloves, and a sapphire pendent that hung on a silver chain.
“Come on!” Miyuki blurted.
“Good, you know then” Aedya said with a smile.
“Why?” Miyuki asked.
“He only needs 2 stars and so do you” Aedya said as she handed Miyuki her third star.
Miyuki took the star and embedded it into her bracelet. She couldn’t help but feel envious of Vergil’s bracelet. She had to accumulated 8 stars while he only had to collect 2. It was annoying, but at least times with Vergil would be quick.
“I assume I have no choice” Miyuki said, Aedya nodded.
“Aedya, where am I supposed to stay?” Vergil asked. Miyuki wished it wasn’t her home.
“We’ve gotten you a small apartment, but it’s not ready so you’ll be staying with Miyuki for a week” Aedya said as she handed Vergil a folder, “Take note that if you work here long enough, we’ll upgrade your abode”
“Thank you” Vergil said before walked out.
Miyuki glared at Aedya’s smiling face. Aedya held out her hand and Miyuki promptly handed back the file she was given before. As Miyuki walked out towards her car, where Vergil awaited, dread hovered above her.
“Did Aedya tell you about the folders?” Miyuki asked.
“No” Vergil entered the car.
“Always return your folder to your Supervisor. CROWN likes to recycle” Miyuki replied.
By nightfall, the duo had arrived at Miyuki’s apartment. Dark, but often mistaken for spooky, could be used to describe the home. Black, dark purples and blue, silver and bits of white engulfed the modern furniture that adorned the house. Once dinner was made and eaten, Miyuki and Vergil went to their respected rooms.
Oct 14 2008, 10:22 PM
QUOTE( @ Oct 14 2008, 05:01 PM)
Anime/Manga as fck but still good I suppose. I'm suprised that a 'top 100 killing machine' would actually risk comprimising her mission to set free all his cell mates. I don't know what you want this character to be. Invincible killing beautiful but yet sensitive broad. Like I said. Anime/Manga as fck, but still good. So I guess you want to manga this out or soemthing. Whys everyone got colored hair?
This is Anime so colored hair is almost mandatory :3 and I guess you're right about what I want my character to be. Thank you
Oct 14 2008, 10:31 PM
I read the introduction, It seems like a good plot. Very fantastical. And as he said, Anime as f**k.
Oct 15 2008, 07:25 AM
~**~ Vergil’s First Mission ~**~
Light shined through the window and landed on Vergil’s face. Suddenly, his blanket was whipped off of him and he awoke immediately. Miyuki, fully dressed, stood over him with a slight frown on her face. Vergil looked at the clock, it was only 8:30.
“Do you know what time it is?” Vergil whined.
“An hour late” Miyuki said, “Get dressed”
Miyuki dropped Vergil’s blanket on his face and vanished by the time he removed it. Without delay, Vergil arrived in the dining room where Miyuki flipped through a file. She then closed the file and slid it towards him. Vergil read through the folder and was surprised, though his face didn’t show it. It was his first mission and he had to kill someone.
Almost an hour had passed before Miyuki and Vergil had finally boarded the plane to Loteikhon. The silent ride began to annoy Vergil quickly.
“Do you know anything about Loteikhon?” Vergil spoke.
“Not much. I do know that we’ll have to take a train and a boat to get there and that a majority, if not all, of the Omegai there are plant-based.” Miyuki replied.
“Omegai come with elements?” Vergil asked. Miyuki turned to him.
“Yes, a-hole. What else are our powers supposed to be composed of?” Miyuki snapped.
“Obviously, I didn’t know!” Vergil bickered.
“Each Omegai has a element-related ability” Miyuki said as she slumped back into her chair.
“Tell me about yours” Vergil insisted. Miyuki smirked.
“You’ll see” Miyuki said.
Hovering over the sea, Vergil and Miyuki were dropped off. Before landing, Miyuki threw a small gadget shaped like compact make-up. It expanded and turned into a small boat. Ejecting themselves from their parachutes, Miyuki and Vergil landed in the boat and began rowing as soon as possible.
Loteikhon was a large community that dwelled in the trees. A vast majority of objects from abodes to wells were made of lumber and if you wanted to get somewhere, you’d have to cross a bridge at least once. The people lived a simple lifestyle poles apart from Shiruba-Keishi. It was then Miyuki and Vergil wondered: Who needed to be killed here?
Miyuki and Vergil hid in the outskirts of the village. Miyuki led them to a small grotto under a cliff to hide the boat.
“We’ll stay here until nightfall.
” Miyuki said as she inspected the sky, “What are the specifics of your mission?”
“We have to kill a man named Malyr who had been picking fights with the neighbouring villages. He’s an Omegai with tree-abilities” Vergil explained.
“Which means he only uses leaves, vines and branches. No poisonous flowers” Miyuki stated, "That'll make things easy"
Vergil nodded even though this was completely new to him. Miyuki walked over and handed him a small book.
“What’s this?” Vergil inquired.
“A book” Miyuki said.
Miyuki strode away and sat on a rock. Vergil, who felt dumb at the time, actually looked at the book. It was called Omegai Handbook: Guide to Omegai Understanding. The Handbook’s entries explained several things, including the basic tidbits Miyuki had told him.
• Omegai are not immortal
• Omegai are nothing but people with built-in weapons
• When it comes to powers, there’s always room for improvement
• Omegai powers are often element-based, but can differ
• There aren’t any Psychic Omegai. If there were, they’d be dead
“Study it” Miyuki demanded.
Vergil began to feel uneasy. Miyuki was snapping at him at every turn and it was either she hated him or she was a person who took their job seriously. As for Miyuki, she did nothing but stare out into the sea. Waiting for her work to be complete.
~**~ First Kill ~**~
The dark blue waves began to glow in the crescent moonlight and the sky was dark, only lit by the stars. That, was a sign that the mission begin. A panther moving through the darkness, Miyuki pounced from branch-to-branch to her target’s location. Unsure of his next movements, Vergil followed Miyuki at a more careful pace.
“Before we enter, be warned: I am here to supervise. I will only help if needed” Miyuki said.
Vergil nodded and entered the window. The house was empty and the duo searched, oddly enough, their target was nowhere to be found. As they searched through the home, Vergil bumped into to a tree trunk (buildings were built around trees). It was then he found a door. Looking down into the hidden passage, a ladder led down into the tree. The assassins slid down the ladders swiftly and landed in a shrine.
Candles of various sizes and a large mask hung up on the wall formed the shrine that Malyr sat in front of. Malyr removed his cloak, revealing his short green hair, yellow slit-pupil eyes and various forms of red face paint.
“Who are you?” Malyr bellowed.
“We’re CROWN Associates and you’re our target” Miyuki replied.
Malyr’s eyes widened and his eyes became determined and angry. His arms became thick and green before he rapidly lashed at Miyuki and Vergil, who jumped out of the way. While Vergil dodged attacks, Miyuki (with a gesture of her hands) summoned swords of light that blocked each attack.
“Do something! This is your mission!” Miyuki yelled.
A large thorn shot from Malyr’s body in Vergil’s direction. He caught the thorn and thinking quickly, Vergil threw the thorn which stabbed Malyr in the arm. Enraged, Malyr spun his entire body which whipped Vergil and Miyuki across the room. Vergil collided into the shrine while Miyuki was thrown against a wall. Malyr lashed his vines again. This time, one of his arms turned into a sharp tree branch and created a large gash in Miyuki’s side. Vergil inched over to the clutter of candles which caught Malyr’s attention.
“Don’t even try it!” Malyr yelled.
Another sharp branch extended to Vergil and pinned him to the wall by his shoulder. Vergil smirked and grasped onto the object in his arm before setting it on fire. Malyr screamed as his body became black and crisp. Miyuki, teeth barred and eyebrows furrowed, summoned a sword of light and sliced Malyr in half.
“Let’s go” Miyuki said.
“But you’re hurt” Vergil said.
“So are you” Miyuki replied crossly.
“You think you can kill me!” Malyr interrupted.
The top half of Malyr’s burning body crawled to the door. He webbed himself in his tree form around the exit. In a matter of seconds, the shrine had caught on fire. Miyuki and Vergil rushed to the door and began prying at the solid wood.
“[Coughing] We’ll have to wait until the wood weakens” Vergil said.
Chunks of lumber began to fall from the ceiling. A large one was about to drop on Miyuki, but she sliced it in half before Vergil could even attempt to help her. Finally, Vergil kicked Malyr's weakened body down and the duo escaped.
By the grotto was a jet where the assassins and their boat were picked up and sent back to Shiruba-Keishi. Once they were seen fit to walk, the duo were released from the CROWN Infirmary and fell asleep as soon their heads hit their pillows.
Oct 15 2008, 06:53 PM
QUOTE( @ Oct 15 2008, 03:15 PM)
lol how old is Vergil? he just went from prisoner to associate bad ass in less than an epsiode. good on vergil, but damn, really? can i get some training? the element thing was clever. very nice. i didnt get why trees and everything else but poisoness flowers? i thought it would be just nature, period. that was tight vergil burned the guy to death, but wtf is tree man doing with lit candles in his wooden house next to his wooden self?
I see how you made the chick really cold and mean this time.
Vergil's 23and I never thought he was a badass. It was just a "natural-ability-discovered-during-life/death-situation" kind of thing. But if it does seem odd, I should change it.
As for the plant thing. I seperated nature users. Some are flower-concentrated and others aren't. 'Tree man' is not made of wood, he can turn himself into wood and did so to help the fire spread.
Oct 15 2008, 06:57 PM
This is the latest portion of my story.
~**~ ShiKei Dome ~**~
A white shimmer shined brightly against the silver star Vergil earned. He embedded it into his collar and smiled. Miyuki, who leaned against a wall, glared at Vergil.
“Do you hate me?” Vergil inquired.
“No” Miyuki said, “I’m going out”
“Great, I’ll come with you” Vergil said.
The duo drove downtown. The crowded sector of Shiruba-Keishi and a place where’d you could find everything. On the other hand, it was also a place where crime was common and the crowded streets neither aided nor prevented it. The gleam of skyscrapers averted your gaze from the clear skies and pedestrians ruled the streets. Miyuki’s destination, was the ShiKei Dome. A massive round building, four floors high. With a grocery store at the bottom, a two-storey mall, and a movie theatre on the fourth floor.
The doors slid open as Miyuki and Vergil entered. Ignoring Vergil’s amazed commentary, Miyuki entered a book store. As Miyuki browsed through fiction, non-fiction, self-help and more she suddenly felt uneasy. Looking around, Miyuki saw a man looking through religious texts. He wore a white mask, that was usually used by the Cistercienser (a religious group of people who wear only white) and a hat. Based on his attire, Miyuki concluded that the man was up to no good. That and an insignia of an eye was painted on the forehead. The man tore a page out the book he read before walking off. As soon as the coast was clear, Miyuki searched through the book.
“Demon Legends...” Miyuki muttered, “...Page 42 is missing”
Miyuki searched frantically for a copy of Demon Legends but in her hands, was the last copy. As Miyuki flipped to the index, a note dropped. She picked it up and shoved it into her pocket before going back to the index. Page 42 had led to information about Famous Demons and was nothing specific. The duo soon exited the store and Vergil stood in confusion as Miyuki impatiently scanned the crowd. At last she spotted the Masked Man and dashed after him, Vergil close behind.
“What’s going on!?” Vergil blurted, pushing people out of the way.
“Do you see that masked man?” Miyuki inquired, “He’s up to something”
“I see him, but even if we do catch him we have nothing on him” Vergil said.
“He ripped a page from a book” Miyuki said.
“I assume you suspect he’s doing bigger things” Vergil said.
Miyuki halted. She truly didn’t have anything on him. Remembering the note, Miyuki went through her pocket and read what she hoped was something useful.
“Mount Aldshore?” Miyuki muttered.
“I Am Confused. Can we go home now?” Vergil asked.
Miyuki turned to Vergil, about to say something when her phone rang.
“Hello?” Miyuki asked.
“We have a mission for you” Aedya replied.
“Will I get a star?”
“This isn’t big enough for one”
With a sigh, Miyuki hung up. She wished she could decline the mission, but she only got that privilege if she knew she couldn’t handle the mission on a personal basis or if she was free.
~**~ Mount Aldshore ~**~
“There are disturbances at Mount Aldshore.” Aedya replied. Miyuki’s eyes widened.
“What kind of disturbances?” Vergil asked.
“Apparently, a golem has emerged from the mountain and is attacking people. We are unsure why there’s a golem in there. Nonetheless, you’re dealing with it” Aedya explained.
“We’ll get on it immediately” Miyuki said before rushing off.
From the cliff side, the tall triangular heap of rock looked completely normal. However, before anyone could comment, the earth shook. Chunks of rock rolled down the sides and began to form together in a human-like shape. In completion of it’s full form, the same Eye symbol appeared and made the golem resemble a Cyclops.
The agents slid down the cliff, with Miyuki shooting massive arrows of light at the golem. Soon, while the golem was distracted, Vergil crawled onto the golem’s back and began to pummel it with fists engulfed in flames. The golem’s body spun, throwing Vergil off. Miyuki and Vergil halted when the golem ceased to move. A large chunk of the golem’s chest fell to the ground, revealing a large amethyst in the center. It was the Heart of the Golem.
“The Heart!” Miyuki blurted.
“I know how to get it” Vergil said, “Encase yourself in light”
Miyuki obeyed as Vergil created a fire golem. The golem picked up Miyuki and put it within it’s fist. The two golems began to wrestle. The fire golem was thrown into the ground but punched the rock golem’s heart as soon as it got up. Miyuki latched onto the Heart and the powerful impact of the fire golem’s punch loosed the gem greatly. The rock golem stumbled back. It crumbled and rolled back into the mountain.
~**~ Taken ~**~
Walking through the city, Miyuki and Vergil made their way back to CROWNN Headquarters. Out of nowhere, a bat woman rushed at Vergil.
“Long time no see!” the woman squealed.
“Do I—” Vergil began.
His sentence was cut short when he was electrocuted and before passing out, he watched as Miyuki was also subdued. Vergil’s blurry eyesight cleared up as he awoke in a room and Miyuki awoke not long after.
“Where are we?” Vergil asked weakly.
“In an abandoned building” the woman from earlier replied as she entered the room.
“Who are you and what do you want?” Miyuki blurted.
“My name is none of your concern” the woman said.
The Masked Man walked into the room. He snapped his fingers and a couple of strange creatures entered the room carrying small boxes. In a matter of moments, the creatures were in the process of strapping the boxes to Vergil.
“In case you’re wondering, these are the Figures” the Masked Man said.
The figures looked like faceless nude people with blood red skin, long claw-like fingers and an Eye symbol where their eyes were supposed to be.
“Look at the time, we best be off” the Masked Man said, “By the way, boy, you’re time as of now is tick...tick...ticking”
The man, woman and his minions exited the room. While the heroes were in a state of panic, the room filled with smoke, causing Miyuki and Vergil to pass out.
Awakening, Miyuki heard Vergil’s cries for help.
“There are bombs strapped onto me!”
“Hold on, we’re not far from CROWN”
Miyuki aided Vergil in getting to CROWN. In a matter of moments, the entire headquarters was in a state of panic.
Nov 9 2008, 09:44 PM
Alright, the reviewing thing might as well be forgotten. I had started a new story and realized that my main problem is creating a plot. I have the Beginning and the End but rarely have the middle. I usually make it up as I go along and to make matter worse, my writer friends had plot-creating techniques and NEVER told me about it.
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