Dear Createblog Diary,

I don't know why I'm so afraid to tell him that I have feelings for him.. We're comfortable around each other and there's never a dull moment. Maybe I'm just afraid of rejection since there are so many girls going for him. I like to think that I'm the only girl who does know who he really is, making me have a better reason to want him. There's more to him than just a cute, sweet, caring guy. But then maybe I wonder if there are other girls that know this and that maybe this makes them attracted to him more. Maybe I'm just extremely paranoid and think of too much maybes. I don't know what to do. I can't ever find a good time to say anything. I feel so confused.

Dear cB diary,

I don't want to be sick anymore. I'm tired of bad, unpredictable weather.

I wish Jolie's mom were more understanding.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and there's so much snow!!!!
IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIIIIIIIIME OF THE YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear cB Diary,
Things are finally hitting their peak. I'm still unsure if what I'm feeling for him is mutual, or if there really is anything there at all. I'd be surprised if he even gave me the time of day.

I'm sick of the whole 'guys' thing. Entering into being a teenager was hard enough this year without the added pressure of guys and friends just acting like bitches.

Yet why do I feel so alive? I wake up every morning and am reminded of how much better everyone else is than me. It doesn't seem to bother me anymore.

Dear cB diary:

You know the saying "no pain no gain"? It's complete bullshit. When it comes to love anyway. How the hell can you gain anything if you're in agony? It only harms you. The pain is so great, I can feel it in my fingertips. It hurts to even think about all the other possibilities. I could've been happy. Things could've been different - a lot different actually. And every time I see a couple, my heart breaks a little. Because nobody's EVER called me a girlfriend. Never. Ever. Even though I've been with a number of guys (5?6? I lost count), and one "relationship" lasted for more than a year (well - this one's been more than a year too). I've been "this girl I'm casually seeing", "a girl I met", "my friend", "this girl", but I was never a girlfriend.. and I don't quite understand why. Like in this case. Why? Maybe I'm too young (after all, 9 years IS a difference)? Maybe because I'm white? Pursuing a dead-end career, and therefore not good enough? Or I'm not as smart as any of his friends? I mean come on. Who am I? A student, and for my part time job, a waitress. Not a very ideal girlfriend. Maybe I'm not fun.. maybe I don't have a great sense of humour.. maybe I'm ugly or fat.. maybe I'm actually a terrible musician and he doesn't want to be associated with me? I have no freakin' clue.

One thing I've learned is that you should never, eeever make someone a priority. An absolute priority, that is. Because with time, things will change and you will remain only an option for them, if not something less. And that's not something enjoyable. I hate the fact that I always expect each relationship to be something different, but it all ends up being the same, and you wish you never met that person. Why can't I accept the fact that maybe I'm just not one of these lucky people and move on, without having expectations? Anniversaries, acknowledgements, birthdays, being cared for/loved and all that fancy stuff is obviously not something for me. Why do I keep wasting my time with people who frankly don't really give a shit? I try and try to make myself apathetic and distant and cold but it never works.

This is by far the one that's hurt most. It somehow beats the relationships with cheating, abuse and more cheating. I don't know why. But hopefully I can just move on with my life and never fall in love again.

Dear cB Diary,
I think I've figured out who ME is. And from now on, I'm just going to be ME. If you want to know me, then do so. If not, if you can't accept who I am, then screw off. So who is that? Me. I love to laugh. I love to have fun. I hate being serious, but if you ever need somebody to talk to about the more severe things in life, I'll listen to every word with my whole heart. I goof off way too much. Being silly and immature is one of the ways I feel free, but I have my mature moments too, I promise. God's girl forever. I love being outdoors and just walking around. I love making the stupidest things fun. I make stupid jokes. I go unbelievably ditzy at times, but I'm not really that stupid. My mind just blanks out sometimes. I love happiness. I can never be sad for long periods of time. I love kid shows. I love being a kid, period. I want to change the world one day. Deep down, under all this crap, I'm so caring and loving you won't even believe it. No one's completely seen that side yet. So keep looking for it and you won't be let down.
That's who I am. Me.
xoxo

BEST f**kING BIRTHDAY EVER!!!! i danced my heart out and there was not a care in the world.
a few things worth mentioning: i'm sick of dealing with them, i give up, i'm done trying to force a friendship; what a SWEETHEART, came all that way just to wish me a happy birthday, he's a keeper; you guys SPOIL me, but i enjoy it i won't lie:); i love you guys, you know who you are; and last thing, i need to learn to say no, maybe then i won't be so afraid of dating again.
but again, best birthday ever. dancing is what i'm meant to do, especially with certain friends. and i felt amazing, no less than i ever should:)

dear cB diary,

today was borrrrring. oh well. tomorrow ill livin' it up!

Dear cB Diary,

Gah he asked! I'm so happy. And I thought all along, he never noticed but he did! And GG is so f**king lucky.. she got it since she was born Why couldn't I? UGH. Life would've been so much easier if I was born with it AND d-ing.

I'm so f**king unlucky. f**king damnit!

i love those girls! i've never had a dance class wish me a merry christmas and a happy birthday like that before! it seems like every year the people i meet become more and more amazing.
but then again, i also meet some people i wish i could forget. that hurt, does he really mean that? it'd just be my luck, all the guys after me are either major creepers or just want to get in my pants, but the guys I'M actually interested in are taken or not interested. of course there are some wonderful exceptions so i can't complain at all. what i'm really trying to say is that i like him. i like him so much and i don't want to be disappointed. and i need HIM to give me a little space. it's so bad, how much i use him cuz he spoils me too:P. oh dear, it's never simple. whenever i get what i want, i feel guilty to the point where i pretend not to enjoy it just so i can complain. i've never gotten so much attention in my life, i love it:D. but i can't have it all. i gotta take the creepers with the good. and... i really hope he doesn't disappoint me. please.

Dear cB Diary,

I can't wait until winter break tomorrow. I seriously need to catch up on everything and sleep. I really want to go to the city during break! And I don't want to sing during the STUPID party The whole freaking project is useless. I f**kING HATE HISTORY. Aii..

I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM!!! :) :):) :) :) :) OMG he's so cute, so so so so amazing. tralalalala i can't wait until i see him next. what would be a good excuse to see him over the holiday?????? GAH HE'S SO PERFECT!!!!!

Dear cB Diary,

My birthday's coming up soon!
I'm finally going to turn 16 on New Years yayayayay

Dear cB diary,

I'm praying so hard for Grandpa to be okay. I don't understand why this had to happen so close to Christmastime. I hope he gets a donor match soon for his liver transplant... God, let it be okay. We need him.

Dear cB Diary,

I love him. I love the way he wraps both of his arms around me when we are sitting on the couch. I love how he kisses my forehead. I love how he 'boops' my nose. I love how he 'plays piano on my face'. I love how he kisses me nonstop on my face when I am mad. I love how he always grabs my hand first. I love how he places his hand on the small of my back. I love how when he is driving sometimes I see him looking at me and smiling. I love how he plays with my hair while driving. I love how he sings to me. He is wonderful and patient and kind and understanding and funny and smart.

I didn't expect this when I met him. One random day 2 summers ago... this cute boy that seemed 'responsible' but for the first few months was a complete jerk. I stuck around because I was so smitten and so lucky for me... it transformed into something f**king beautiful.

I'm scared. The longer we date the more scared I am... because I am so freaking attached and we are still so young.

Dear cB Diary,

Why am I so selfish? Why am I so jealous? Why am I so complicated? What is wrong with me these days? I seriously need to rant my anger out on something.. here it goes?

I'm so stressed because of the sh!tload of homework we get everyday. I need to start sleeping earlier because I'm obviously not getting enough sleep. I keep losing weight when I should really be GAINING weight, otherwise ____ is going to call me anorexic which I'M FREAKING NOT. I'm really confused about who I like at the moment. I don't know who to trust these days. I have to start thinking more about who are my true friends and who aren't. So many people want to create drama everyday for no f**king reason. I'm sick of it! I still have to get Christmas gifts for my parents and there's no time to go shopping for one. I'm seriously BROKE at the moment and there's no way of getting any money. My brother borrowed freaking $50 from me and never paid me back. I waste my life reading ff and I should really stop. I need to catch up (SERIOUSLY) on my reading log because I'm not even close to being finished. My book review is due and I didn't even start my retarded classic book. I'm getting so many bad grades these days. I have to f**king do my math check and I'm scared of asking J for notes because she's already pissed with giving K her notes. I can't ask E because.. I don't think she'd want to give them to me. I have to get ready for regionals and my gay C-chromatic scale isn't working out. My scales are messy as hell. I have to update that notebook and I don't even know where to start. I have to update Only for the Prize and it seriously sucks like shit right now. I totally gave up on C and I didn't even START TN. I can't believe this. I keep rushing myself. I'm going beyond my standards. I want to go to the SJ or TQ concert when I go to Korea next year, but that's .0000001% I'll go. On top of that, I want to meet either backstage but that's like, literally, .0000000000000000000000000000000000000001% chance. Why? It's just.. seriously impossible? and I don't even know if I'm going to their freaking concert. I keep thinking about it and if I don't get it, i KNOW i'm going to be disappointed. I should forget it.. and it's my last visit to Korea (yeah, first visit in 7 years and last visit until I get out of college) and I seriously want to make it important.

What the hell.

Ah, that felt good ^

Dear cB diary,

It's been a while but here goes. Last night was pretty fun even though everybody else didn't enjoy the club as I did so much. I have no idea why exactly but I needed that stress breaker even though I danced like a maniac. Jeez, I need to get the radio because it was so awkward on the drive home. I felt so bad for mentioning my birthday to everyone because C's birthday party was a flop and she spent so much money on the place and everything. It was a disaster like mine last year and I think she cried. I have no idea what's the deal with P. It's weird even though I know we're not the best of friends but it's like he secret dislikes me for some reason. We are very different people though.

Yeah well, I really wanted to get today off my chest. Woke up early to get to work and yeah it sucked as usual. For some reason, my bitchy boss tried to be all friendly with me even though a couple days she yelled at me in front of everyone. I remember that shit because I didn't do anything wrong and now she wants to be good with me. Whatever, I think it's just the season. For some reason, I just felt so down at the end of work and I didn't want to talk to anyone.

Then all of a sudden I heard on the radio, "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie. It just reminded me of Wendy. You see my name is Peter and the first movie I ever remembered first watching is Peter Pan. I even think my mom named me after him because my whole real name sounds similar. Well yeah, there's this girl who works at the orthodontist office I go to for my braces and she usually takes care of me. She is so undeniably beautiful and from the getgo she looks so accomplished with her life at the time. One day I was feeling down like usual and it showed. Well the Fergie song was on the radio over there too and she started singing it and for some reason I just felt like she was singing it to me even though I tried convincing myself it was just my imagination. Well later, I missed a few appointments and she must've gotten the impression I'm irresponsible by that time. One day I went to the office to pay off part of my bill and I couldn't help but overhear that the same girl's name was Wendy. I was just shocked and stunned because suddenly in the air, was our names being called, Peter and Wendy. Then I had a rush and my first ever fairy tale came flashing before my eyes and I realized that it had no happy ending. Peter Pan was the boy that never wanted to grow up, but then I just realized that if only he did, he could've fallen in love with Wendy. Wendy can't wait for Peter and would eventually grow up while Peter would still refuse to. I realized that I was living out my favorite fairy tale and today with that song playing in the background, I saw my life in this Neverland with my friends the Lost Boys. Maybe I'm just being overdramatic over this ironic realization, but I can't help but feel that I have/want/need to say, "I'm sorry Wendy."

Dear cB diary,

It's almost beyond me, but not quite, how a mother can be so mean to her child and say such horrible things about her own family member. But I know that she says things she doesn't mean when she's angry. I feel better about it after getting a good night's sleep, but it doesn't change the fact that she was just cruel.

Dear cB Diary,

I seriously feel like shit right now. I want to sleep and get some rest but I can't. I have to do freaking altar service for two hours (Christmas Eve mass..) tonight. I have to hold the freaking candle? And I'm so dizzy and cold and sick right now.

ASDKFJASDLGKJSDLFKJ

Dear cB diary,

I wish things were the way they used to be.

a white christmas!!!! i honestly can't remember the last time i woke up to snow on this day. it's so beautiful out:). scary to drive in though, but i kept control of my car:). what a great night. wonderful presents and dancing and laughs. it's so beautiful outside, so so beautiful. i just want to walk around in it and be a kid again. that's the only thing missing this christmas, the magic of being a kid again. but i got the people i love by my side:). ok naptime, work is determined to kill me:P

i don't know how i'm still alive. 10 and a half hours on boxing day. i almost died, but at the same time, i've never had so much fun at work. we all survived:) and i've never laughed so hard with them. i love them, i want to take them home:). and the customers today were wonderful, at least the ones i had. and $160! i won't complain:). i love those girls, more than they know. we must hang out outside of sterling. oh and the food today! that sure kept me going:). and the girls, did i mention i love them:)?

Dear cB Diary,
I'm really getting sick of my girlfriend Hannah being a total bitch all the time. We break up at least once every two weeks and I dk what to do with her.

dear cb,

i swear to god, if it snows again tomorrow ill kill an innocent twig. if this storm prevents me from seeing my boyfriend, ill be flippin mad.

Dear cB diary,

Y'know, even with all that...today turned out fine. I've missed dance so much...

uh-oh, i have a crush *blushy face*. the more we get to know each other... i hope i'm not being too obvious. and i hope i'm not reading him wrong. we get along so well, is he just a nice guy? i need a sign. or should i just go for it? not yet, still got some figuring out to do. i have wandering eyes after all. but right now, he's all i can think about. that whole day was out of a movie. oh dear, i hope i don't end up falling too hard.

Dear Diary,

Another new year. I can still remember celebrating 2000 - so much so that these others seem mere dreams.

So, I'm 20 this year - 21 next year. That's damn scary. I kid you not, I feel like a 12 year old caught with her hand in the cookie jar most of the time.

It's Ian and myself's second year together this year. I cannot remember a time when I have felt happier or more certain about such a wonderful future.

Sitting here now, 1:05am January 1st 2008 with a pint of Carlsberg Export and a shitload of sweets. Can't wait for this year to show me what it's got.

Dear cB Diary,

I can't believe it's already 2008. I didn't think this year would come so fast. It should be fun though. Lots of changes are going to go on this year, so all I can do is hope for the best.

Here's to the new year. Ready or not, here it comes (or is.)

Dear cB Diary,

I really hope we can start all over again.. since it's a new year and everything?

Dear cB diary,

I had the best new year's eve ever. First time I had a countdown with my friends and I couldn't ask for more. I mean yeah it got shitty when I had to babysit grown ass people because they wanted to keep a girl around from being guilty, but whatever. Shit tell you the truth, even though them fools wanted to make me feel guilty, I didn't at all. She offered for the gas, movies, and food. Yeah it was a lot but I didn't ask and didn't force her to do anything unlike them. I had fun and wasn't stressing like them bitches. Only thing I did feel guilty was leaving my other friends to babysit them. It was f**ked up because I didn't get as drunk as everyone else and I was hanging out with them and they felt as though I ditched them. I think I made it up to them tonight though. I got madd drunk off drinking games and damn they got me with the doodles. I think they even drew on my ass too. The bastards! Gotta love 'em. But getting them sooner than they think.

Dear cB diary,

So new years actually turned out to be pretty damn good, which I'm happy about. Yeah, there were a few hitches during the day, but overall it was so much fun and I got to spend so much time with him. I can't believe its been so long already. Wow. But yeah...2008 is here. So many things I want to accomplish this year, so hopefully all goes well.

Dear cB Diary,

I think we're growing more and more apart everyday.. I wish that didn't happen It's all _____'s fault. If she never came in the picture, it wouldn't be like this! I think we're really not anything anymore.. gaah. It was going on perfectly until she decided to ruin my life..

i love being 19 and having a car:D. that's all i have to say.

Dear cB diary,

I'm just going to stop feeling sorry for myself. It's a new year and a chance to fix my relationships.

Dear cB Diary,

I have a feeling this year is going to be much much much better than last year. I'm excited! Everything's great, finally.

Dear cB Diary,

I hope one of your pages rips.

Mark

Dear cB Diary,

I hope I wake up early tomorrow. I've been waking up so late lately... It's a bad way to start the new year! So yeah, I need to get back to waking up early since school starts back up next Wednesday. :-/

Justin

dear diary.

i want to kill her. ive already planned where to hide the body.

Dear cB diary,

I've only been back in school for two days and I'm already so tired.

i need to stuff my face with chocolate NOW

wow... i've never felt like a bigger idiot. why do i have to go and take that the wrong way and then open my fat mouth... oh god i hope everything goes ok from here. i'm such an idiot. i give up. i hate men

Dear cB diary,

WTHECK MAN?!?! Why out of all days to break out, it had to be this weekend? I know there's a big surprise when homie made sure I was going to be there and he was going to take me out. For a fact whatever party it is, I'm going to get down but my bad skin condition is only going to make me more self-conscious. GRRR. Whatever. Guess I'm pretty upset because of the fact that I thought I'd be over this issue when I got older. I got no one to impress anyways.

dear CB diary,


im really excited that i get to start 2008 fresh. i mean i get to reinvent myself into someone that everybody is going to go head over heals for. no, im not doing it for any boy or anyhting, i'm doing it for me. i noticed that i can be real loud, outspoken, && rude to people, & thats not cool. i want to be known as the quiet, sometimes gets involved, great to be around chick that everyone will gravitate to. it's important for me. i'm getting a new hair color tomorrow && i got a new beau to show it off too. well, he's not officially mine yet, but in due time. & i'm just glad i got to go shopping again because that helped me realize what & who i wanted to be in 2008. my clothes define me. im gonna focus more on myy cooking & school work now that i got accepted to the California Culianary Academy in San Francisco!xD!!suppppperrrrr excited about starting in the fall. i'm about to graduate which is a big step for me because i'm going to be on my own for the first time in 17 years. [thats how long i been living.] its great that i get to go off && do my thing as a soon-to-be chef =D. it's my passion & i want to take it for the long run. im dancing more. which is something i've been doing since i could walk. it helps me express me. i don't know. i just feel like it's a new start, & i'm ready to take it by the horns & run with it.


well until next time..

jayybee signing out.

Dear cB Diary,
Wow i forgot how good it felt to write well lately its all been ok from the incident that happened during summer. My boyfriend and I will make 6 months this month, wow i never thought that we would last trust me i didn't think we would. It's been a long scary road for me and him most people were against and all New years was the day he met my family well the rest of it like my uncle, aunt, cousins ect. it was awesome. But lately thats not the thing that bothering me there is a lot of things on my mind that i don't know how to express myself i mean it was cool at the beginning but i guess now it's getting serious so yeah i mean it should be cool to be in a serious relationship but i'm sort of scared because of the many times that people have hurt me i don't want to feel that pain anymore. I was Philophobic and the boyfriend i'm with is the only one to get me out my phobia but still as hard as he tired it's easy to end it all as well. I highly doubt he will but yeah we have our up's and downs as a usual couple, i'm just letting time do what it does best let's see where it leads me.

Now, school talk ugh!!! dude regents are coming up do you think i'm really? HELL NO! but i will try my best this whole week i mean i past my freshman regents but that was nothing dude i guess i'll try what i can do is just give it my "best" xD but it's cool. School is getting funner hanging out with my friends they are fu*king hilarious i love them. They have a band to its awesome they played at our school Christmas show back in december. They kick ass. they are the reason why i love FLC, they were the ones who brought me to my first concert xD

Dera cB diary,

My 17th birthday is coming up, but I want to stay 16. Hm.

Dear cB Diary,

I'm just.. so confused right now. I don't know what to think. My head is driving me crazy.

Dear cB Diary,

School starts up again tomorrow... WHY?!

Justin

Dear cb Diary

If someone had told me how it really felt to grow up, I would have found a way to stay a kid forever. I'm like completely broke from paying my bills, and school is going to start soon...arg. Being an adult sucks !

Dear Cb diarry,

Today there was a drug bust a school, coolest shit ever. They put cops by the school exits so no one could leave. I was eating lunch when it happend and saw them arrest a guy, they didnt tackle him or nothing. They just grabed him, frisked him, found nice little baggies on him. They read him his rights and cuffed him and took him away. Pretty cool to watch but I feel bad for him cause now he is focked.

Dear cB diary,

every day i have this constant fear that i'm going to fail in life. my grades are almost all b's, and it's shameful. since my brother was a slacker in school and went to a community college, there's this huge pressure for me to do well and go to a good college. i constantly compare myself to others, even my boyfriend, mister straight a's-class president-principal of cello of his orchestra. i hate being jealous of him all the time. and i hate feeling jealous towards everyone who gets a's. on top of all of that, i don't even think i DESERVE an a. in the beginning of the year, i slacked off so much in school. with cheer, school, and trying to be involved in everything caused me to have no energy whatsoever to do any schoolwork. i forgot to write down homework so i didn't do it, bsed my essay, and slept in class. and now, i've been working my ass off just to try to raise my grades up to an a. and all my b's are all 88's, 89's. i feel like i'm not smart at all. it takes me so long to get things, and i never know what to do. and with all these flaws, how is any college ever going to accept me? it feels like everyone knows what to do and i'm the oddball out. i feel like this is also caused by my self-esteem. maybe if i believed in myself, i wouldn't be doing this horrible. but for the past 6 years, i've NEVER been okay with myself. i always pick out my flaws and taunt myself.
this sucks. i hate school. and i think i'm beginning to hate myself.