A man walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender tells him to leave. The guy tells the bartender that he just wants a few drinks. So the bartender says to him "ok, you can stay. Just don't start anything."
Full Version: Bar Jokes
Everyone post your favorite bar joke!
A man walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender tells him to leave. The guy tells the bartender that he just wants a few drinks. So the bartender says to him "ok, you can stay. Just don't start anything."
A man walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender tells him to leave. The guy tells the bartender that he just wants a few drinks. So the bartender says to him "ok, you can stay. Just don't start anything."
I don't get it.
what are jumper cables?
i don't get your joke 
ha ha.... not funny to me. ok my turn
QUOTE
A bet made at the local bar
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."
The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"
The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."
The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"
The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."
^haha tahts a good one well heres mine:
a guy walks into a bar with a monkey to get away from the wives. The order a few beers then a few more and that get drunk the whole night. they are still there in the morning and drinking still. The monkey then falls out of his chair and passes out. The guy gets up and leaves and the bartender goes "hey man don't leave that lyin there" and the man says "thats not a lion, thats a monkey"
a guy walks into a bar with a monkey to get away from the wives. The order a few beers then a few more and that get drunk the whole night. they are still there in the morning and drinking still. The monkey then falls out of his chair and passes out. The guy gets up and leaves and the bartender goes "hey man don't leave that lyin there" and the man says "thats not a lion, thats a monkey"
a guy walks into a bar with a trenchcoat. he takes a seat at the bar and calls the bartender over. he says "check this out" and pulls out a little piano from his coat. "that's pertty neat" said the bar tender. "i'm not done" says the man. he, then, pulls out a small piano bench. "that's pretty cool!" says the bartender. "wait!" said the man. he then pulls a foot tall piano player who starts playing his little piano. "wow that's amazing!" said the bartender "how did you do it?". "well," thr man says "their's a genie above us right now that will grant you any wish. just give it a try". "okay," says the bartender, "i wosh for a million bucks!". suddenly, a million ducks fall out of the sky outside. "i don't get it." saidthe bar tender. "i wished for a million bucks! not a million ducks!"
and the man says "well, do you think i wished for a 12 inch peanist?"
and the man says "well, do you think i wished for a 12 inch peanist?"
Here's my favorite one:
A rabbi, a communist, a lawyer, and a stripper walk into a bar. And the bartender says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"
A rabbi, a communist, a lawyer, and a stripper walk into a bar. And the bartender says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"
a priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walk into a bar, and that was just the first guy.
A guy walks into a bar. Ouch.
not really a bar joke....
-Pub-
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.
-Pub-
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.
ewwwwieeee!!!!!!!!! grosss!
i got two of them :D my play brother told me them =]i hope it`s okay to post them tho 
haha cracked me up xD here`s another one..
haha xD
QUOTE
a man walks into a bar and sits down. he calls the bartender over so he can order a drink. the bartender comes over and tells the man, "hey, there`s a contest going on. there`s a horse outside, and if you make him laugh really hard, you`ll get a bucket full of money!" so the man thinks for a little bit, then he sed, "okay, let me try it." so the bartender brings the man outside to meet the horse. the man walks up to the horse and whispers something in its ear. suddenly the horse rolls on its back and starts laughing really hard. the bartender was amazed and walked inside to bring the man his money. a week later, the man comes back and the bartender tells the man that there is another contest going on, only this time you have to make the horse cry. again, the man went outside, but this time he showed something to the horse. when he was done the horse cries and cries. amazed once again, the bartender gives the man his money, and then asks, "man, i don`t get it. how did you get the horse to laugh and cry?" and man smiles and sez, "oh, the horse was laughing because i told him i have a bigger penis than him. this time he was crying because i showed it to him!"
haha cracked me up xD here`s another one..
QUOTE
there is a monkey sitting alone all sad at the bar. a dog notices the monkey so he walks up to him and starts to talk to the monkey. "look man, i know you`re sad and all, but don`t let whatever it is get to you. you should love your life and forget everything about it. shake off the drama and live a happy life." the monkey looks at the dog when he`s telling him this, and the monkey`s eyes widen and sez, "holy shit. a talking dog!"
haha xD
QUOTE(ComradeRed @ Jun 21 2004, 8:28 PM)
Here's my favorite one:
A rabbi, a communist, a lawyer, and a stripper walk into a bar. And the bartender says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"
A rabbi, a communist, a lawyer, and a stripper walk into a bar. And the bartender says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"
i dont get it
Two guys walk into a bar, one ducks the other smacks his head. (Yeah I know, it was dumb.)
ha ha...some of these were very funny!
the first one ..HAHAHA...NOT!!! but some of these are pretty funny
haha man some of these bar jokes r realli funni
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