Dear cB diary,

I jumped to conclusions as I always do. My insecurities are so ridiculous that I'm sure they make me look like an ass. Just because we were in a relationship before doesn't mean that because we're starting to talk again we'll hop right back into it. But now that we are talking those feelings are coming back. Maybe it would be better to just not talk to him anymore. It hurts.

Note to self: Stop being a pretentious ass-wipe.

Naomi,
I love you. Boys are stupid. I know you're talking about in that entry, I think. Don't waste your time on him. Be friends first. Do it for him. Do it for me. Most importantly, do it for yourself. There are better guys out there. You'll find the one but for now be content with being you. Because I love you (:

Dear createBlog Diary,
So basically things are really tough. I know, same sob story.

Ten more days of school left. That means about ten more days until my ass gets handed to me because I have to take all of these IB tests. Everyone else who is freaking out, you know those kids who have never failed a class in their life, those who really have no life outside of school, yeah them, they need to shut up. I'm the one who is going to fail. I'm the one who has taken every practice test in every class and failed nearly every single one. Go figure - stupid me.

Boys. Ahhh. What to do? I think tomorrow I'm going to ask him to Prom. Why not just take the chance? So what? He says no. It's going to hurt like hell. It all hurts anyway, right? So what? He thinks I'm some desperate, obsessive ex-girlfriend. That's not how it is and if he chooses to see it like that, then he's stupid. He doesn't see how much I love him. But whatever. I'm trying to not think about it and overanalyze it. I just want to do it. No thoughts, just do it. I've got to keep trying no matter how pathetic it might be, no matter how many times he's going to ignore me, no matter. Because there is always that 1% chance that he won't, that 1% chance that he'll wise up. It's dumb to put all of this hope and effort into such odds but I guess I'm crazy.

I don't want to write anymore.
-Me.

Dear cB diary,

I really hate school sometimes. I stress over it so much even though in reality, what I'm stressing for right now doesn't matter thaaaat much in the big scheme of things. Ugh. I can't believe I CRIED over that. I don't know why its just...frustrating. I'm sick of school. 40 days of actual classes left...thats still too much but at least its getting down there....sigh.
I just want to be able to spend time with him without the worries of school or whatever.
And Superstore hasn't called me back yet.
They better.

Dear cB diary,

I've made up my mind. I have to give it up. Give it all up and make myself vulnerable again. I'm so terrified of getting hurt that I'm withdrawing myself from situations that could be truly joyful. I'm missing out on so much and the only one to blame for that is myself. I'd love to be able to give myself up to love and abandon my cautions and care, throwing them to the wind...but I can't. Logic tells me that I have to protect myself and be strong so that I can keep from being hurt, but my heart is crying out for those feelings again. It's crying out to embrace the pain that I'm feeling and to cherish it. I'm so torn at this fork in the road. Which path do I take? Will I follow the road that leads me to safety and logic? Or do I take the road that could lead to both emotional ruin &/or absolute euphoria? I wish I knew.

- Me

Dear Createblog Diary,
I'm empty. Hmmmmm.

Dear cB Diary,
What the hell am I doing? UGH. What the fuckkkk. Everybody hates him yet I invited him to prom. I love him and all of my best friends hate him. This is stupid. I'm stupid. I don't even want to go. It's so expensive. We have no money for sh*t like this. It's coming up so fast along with all of this other sh*t too. God damn, IB tests. f**k. I'm going to fail them. I know this. I've come to terms with it, accepted it. I'm not going to get my IB diploma. There is no way in hell for me to do well on my business, biology, or calculus tests. NO WAY. I'm failing all three of those classes, I fail every practice IB test, I fail every regular test, everything. I'm a freaking failure. Nothing I do works out correctly. You would think now that at least him and I are going to try to be friends and that he said yes to prom I'd be happy. I'm clearly not. I just keep getting lectured about it from everyone, I keep getting bitched at about everything, just nothing works out. I'm stressed out of my mind. I want so well to do well on these tests and I know it's just not going to happen. There is no possible way in hell for me to basically learn all of the material for this entire year for every class in two weeks. NO WAY. I'm such an idiot. I f**ked up this year so badly not only with school but with him and friends and family. I fail at life. This is so stupid. I'm such a bitter person. I hate this. I want things to be better, to be different. Each effort I make to do that doesn't help...f**k this all. Seriously I'm so sick of it. I want it to be last summer. When I was actually happy not now when everything just keeps getting worse and worse, where sh*t keeps crashing down. I'm not even that stoked to go to UNC anymore after visiting today. I'm just not into anything. I'm sick of everything.
-Me.

Dear Createblog Diary,
This is pathetic. I'm pissed off just because I can't go to some fun event. I wish I didn't get angry so easily.

BUT GODDAMN. SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE FXCKING CALLED ME. FUSDJKFHSDKLFJHDJKLHJKHJKFHSD.

Okay. Blararksjfhsdjkl,. I just need to calm down.

Dear cB diary,

Why? Why does this all have to happen? I've cried so many times in the past little while because of him...he doesn't mean to hurt me, but theres so many little things lately that just...sting. They really do hurt though unintentionally done. And...theres no way I can tell you because its all stupid and I don't want you getting upset or whatever because it's stupid...I shouldn't have to tell you. If you figured it out on your own thats different and brought it up but whatever. UGH.
Why do I keep doing this to myself? ILU. Can't you see that!? I'd do ANYTHING for you...I'd go anywhere just to be with you if I had the chance! I just don't get it...I know you luf me, love me, care for me...but sometimes it doesn't feel like you feel that much for me as compared to how I feel for you...I know I should love you unconditionally and selflessly...but its hard sometimes and I'm not perfect...
I'm not expecting you to be either! Its just...sometimes you don't make me feel like you say you feel about me...thats all.
And it hurts.

Dear cB diary,

After a good cry last night (darn you sad movies) I was reminded of something. Everyon'es life is full of things that cause them pain. Rejection (something I know of, hehe), deaths, loss, heartache, and of course the insecurities! Oh, it's all there. What really makes us or breaks us is how we deal with it. Channel the pain that you feel and do some productive. I remember how many times I've consoled other people and adivsed them. It would be a good idea for me to follow my own advice So lately, I have. Sure, there are times that I'm still sad. I think there always will be, and it's not necessarily a bad thing. We're human -- It's good to FEEL.

So yes, there is a lot in my life that causes me pain. A lot of it is of my own doing. I'm trying to find my place in this world. But there is so much for me to live for. So much that brings me joy. My mother, my father, my brothers, and those that love me. They all deserve to know how much I love them and that they keep that light burning for me. I'll follow it to the end.

Dear cB diary,
I know, that by the end of this week...I will be both physically and emotionally drained. I have to prepare for this. Gah.

f**k school. Sigh.

Dear cB diary,

its been a while huh? well i have a lotttt of new things in my life. a lot of problems seem to be happening right now. i'm not stressing so much about them like i used to. i think its just that im sure to all this drama in my life.

i don't know..my mom and my sister aren't doing too good. my mom won't accept the fact that my sister too is pregant. it's done. what done is done and you just have to accept it right? no matter how hard it might be. i mean, she needs her help and her words are doing nothing but bringing my sister down when she really needs to be lifted up. my mom told me that if i kept getting in it, i would too have problems with her. honestly, i don't even care anymore. she knows i can't keep my mouth shut. everybody knows that. i wont keep my mouth shut and just sit there listening to the things she says. they're wrong. they are all wrong. she doesn't know how we feel, how she feels. bfshgd i dont know.

anyway, we've been together for not even that long and we're already having hella issues. you know, trust is such a big part of a relationship. its huge. & that is what we're MISSING in this relationship. i wish i could trust people more easily but im glad that i told him why im the way i am. i have seen so many people i cared about..go throught his. his past doesn't help too much either. i dont know. im hoping that he didn't .. maybe im just blind. i dont know. i feel like such a stupid hypocrite because i always told myself, ALWAYSSS that is a guy was to ever do anything to me liike that, i would drop him on the stop with no questions asked. i always told my friends this. now, that i told two of them, i feel so stupid. i feel so .. little. like, they're hella judging me. i just don't know. i just hellllla care aboout him n i dont think id be able to let go.

<3.

Dear cB Diary,

I wanna break down & cry. I can't stand anyone anymore. I need sometime alone to think about everything.

- Me <3.

dear cb diary,
i am so tired of getting the f**king blame for everything. i am so tired of stressing myself out because of the damned things that go on in my family. bad things just keep happening over and over again. and f**king great, none of my "brotherly" siblings seem to care! sorry mom, i'm not the best teacher and i'm sorry i can't teach henry right but i'm trying and i know i have a bad temper but goddamn. i know you don't want to teach him yourself. i wish henry didn't have such a big problem with concentrating but none of us can help that. i'm sorry for yelling at you about him but i couldn't help it. i can't stand the abuse that goes on in this house, and me acting like it doesnt' matter and that it's just normal makes everything even worse. i hate knowing that whats gonig on is wrong but i can't do anything to stop it. it's how we're all growing up. i just wish henry would learn and stop being such a goddamned clueless idiot. he's young i know but things would be so much better. why can't he just get things right? he didn't even VISIT grandma while she was in the hospital. all of our grandparents care so much and i seem to be the only one noticing it. i don't ven show my appreciation for them....so it seems like i dont' care. but the thing is that i do care. i care so much. and it hurts the hell out of me when i hear about all these things that are happening to them. i don't know what i'm gonna do without them or when they die. i pass by their graveyards already and i know that they're going to be buried there and every time i pass by i try not to cry. i hate this. i hate thinking too much. and i hate feeling guilty abuot yelling at mom but i'm stressed out enough about school and i cannot worry about henry like that and it's like i don't care but i just don't want to care. it seems like another load would be put onto me and i already have tons of responsibilites. does that seem selfish? i am just so stressed otu and this thing is just basic rambling but ican't help it. what am i supposed to do? i already hate alex enough anyway and so does the rest of us. goddamn why is he such a f**king dumbass? he's bullshit and mom's right. he would be nothing without their support. nothing. nothing but a shithead thath e already is. ah i hate this. i hate hate hate hate hate this. aren't i supposed to be in that stage where i'm supposed to not worry abuot family and such? i'm only supposed to be worried about schoolwork and guys and who to like but what thehell. i must not be normal or something. ah this sucks. i suck at diary entries when i'm overwhelmed. i'm going in over my ehad with all this stress and i just need to get away. these projects that are due soon are not helping either. goddamnit this f**king sucks. i hate this. ihate hate hate this. and ihate myself for being such a bitchy dumbass piece of sh*t that procrastinates even though she knows she needs to do stuff. what the hell is wrong iwth me?! i knew this week was going to be horrid and terrible. people were asking why i was at the hospital and expect me to explani it at once. what the hell. don't just straight up ask like that. two people have already done that. WHY?! why the f**k are you so f**king nosy. okay maybe its just that you guys "care" but if you guys really did then you woudl realize that maybe i would tel you about it if i really wanted you to know. godfuckingdumbasses. dno't be so fcking rude about it. do you guys not get how emotionally sensitive a person can be?! are you f**king blind?! f**king piece of shits. AH. okay i'm going crazy i swear. i'm no longer sane and i know it. i dont' know waht's wrong with me. maybe i need ap erson to talk to or something. but i don't want it. i don't want to talk to anyone about my problems right now because i know nobody would understand, no matter howm uch they say they would. maybe they just want to be friendly and kind and listen to me but that's what i don't need right now. i just need to be alone and focus on whats important. i think that bitchy and independent side has come out of me again and i think it needs to go back inside. ccause i hate that part of me. it'll just take some time, hopefully. god. i need to leave now. mom's yellign. bye.

cbdiary,

I hate this feeling of emptiness. I really really don't want to do work because I really really don't want to do anything at all. I am so empty inside. I just want to bleed just to know that I am still alive and there's still someone inside of me. I'm trying so hard to resist the urge. I just want to shut everyone out of my life... maybe perhaps except for the few people who I need to talk to just get by everyday. Is it right to wish every single day that something would kill you so suddenly? Why do I feel this way? Why am I so confused? I hate this. I'm not like all other teenagers. Don't f**king categorize me. I am not like all other people. I try so hard to hold on and appear strong to some people. Do they know how hard it is to smile and pretend like nothing is wrong? People need to know that maybe I'm not always so cheery cause maybe I have no life and I don't want to cheer up. Don't bring your problems to me and ruin my good day. I don't want to cry in front of people because that will show that I'm officially weak. I'm still holding on strong enough. I'm still here. A couple of weeks back, I tried to get as much tylenol from a friend as possible in hopes that overdosing can lead to something so much worse. I am so hopeless. I am so hopeless. I am so hopeless. I am so hopeless. I am so hopeless. I am so hopeless. I am so hopeless. I am so hopeless. I am so hopeless. I am so hopeless. I am so hopeless. I am so hopeless. Did you know I spent an entire class yesterday, writing on a piece of paper over & over again: "What is my greatest fear?" A close friend (at least, she's close to me) had asked me the very same question I asked her. For 40 minutes, I pointed out to myself that I fear nothing.. so why the hell do I feel this way? I am so broken and I don't think I can be fixed. I really want to cry right now... I feel so pathetic. This is so stupid. I am so stupid. I know I'll never be with the one person I want to be with. Why am I holding on? I know there's nothing for me at the end of this road. Why is it that I'm still trying so hard to impress her? I won't give her up... but I give up on my life in general. There is no point. Absolutely none.

dear cb diary,

why did that b*tch end up with him? sure, they're a cute couple, but why? i don't even believe that she ever liked him. i heard about it the saturday i come home from class all happy and then i go online and it just ruined my day! i was in denial for a few hours, then i was angry, and now i'm beginning to accept it. but i don't know why, but i still like him. at first, i started hating him and a week later, i had a dream about him. it just felt so nice. and when i wake up, i just feel so happy and lightheaded. but WHY? i think i still like him. i'm pretty sure i do. and i guess i feel happy for them. but why do i still want them to break up? why am i hoping that someday in the near future they would break up? anyways, i probably don't have a chance with him. he thinks he's in 'love' but i think the opposite. 13-year-olds don't fall in love. most people my age are too immature and they don't understand the true meaning of love. and i guess i don't either...

i keep trying to let go of the memories, but i just can't. he just makes me feel... so happy. i want him to be happy. but for him to be happy, he has to be with her. i just feel so lonely in this cruel world. i just... feel so unloved and alone. i thought he liked me. more than a friend. but it turns out that he forgets about me in a couple of months and finds someone else. I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. i just can't stand around pretending nothing's wrong with me. whenever someone asks me if i'm ok, i just reply, "i'm fine." but the truth is that i'm not fine. i'm screaming for help. i'm crying for him. i don't even think he's worth my tears. i've learned not to cry over boys. i've learned to get over people. but i just can't! whenever someone leaves me, i cry. a lot. and some people i'm still not over. i just feel so alone. so depressed. i just want him to stop 'loving' her. can't he realize that it's not love? love takes time to develop. they've only been together for a few weeks. love takes a lot of time to develop.

i cried myself to sleep last night just thinking about him. i pondered the true meaning of love. ever since they started going out, i've been sort of a sleep insomniac. i always have to think before i go to sleep. sometimes, i just can't sleep. i just wait until i pass out in front of the computer. when i go to sleep, i'm faced with all those heartbreaking thoughts and i don't want that to happen. ever since they've been going out, i've been drinking more often with my friends. i know i'm too young to drink, but i just can't stand the pain. drinking helps me cope with it. this is the most i've ever done to get over someone. this time, i fell hard for him. i just don't think i'll ever get over him. i just don't think that he loves her. i just don't think that i ever really loved him.

i'm just so confused now.

Dear cB diary,
NO ONE READ "ALTRUISM" AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO CRY. OR MAYBE WRITE SOME DEPRESSING POEMS, BECAUSE THAS HOW I ROLL.

^^ The writing forum is a lot more inactive now.

Dear cB diary,

I've packed up all my clothes. A lot of my things are packed now. I feel so strange. It all feels quite surreal. I can't believe I'm actually leaving. Why do I feel so sad?

Dear cb diary.

Good day. bad afternoon.
I started walking home with carlissa after school, and I was immeaditely feeling the heat. Today was probably the hottest day of the year, so far. I took my jacket off and kept stumbling because of how weak I felt. We continued to walk and talk, and sudenly, Carlissa saw one of her friends and pretty much ditched me for them. >_>.
I continued walking down that long road I take home, and felt hotter, and hotter, and hotter. My eyes were itching, my throat was itching, everything hurt! I was having these horrrrrrible spring polyn allergys. I dropped my purse, bent down to pick it up, and started to cry. I kept coughing in between sobs, and stumbling every few seconds, because of the heat. I cryed the rest of the way home.
I went inside my house about 10 minutes later and called my dad to tell him the story. He apoligized and told me to take an allergy pill. Then he told me "Oh yeah, I'm out having lunch with ms. Joy. I'll be home around 2, kay?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?????!!!!
WTF.
I told him i was going to Courtneys house right after school. He said he would take me.
Well it's 1:30, and I'm done packing. I can't wait until tonight. Skating rink! <3
- Cassie

dear cb diary,
there must be something seriously wrong with me.
i've been crying so much. it's like, i can do it once i thnk of..nevermind.

i hateeee my personality right now. i'm such a hateful, bitchy, boring, depressing person. it sucks.

blahblahblah./ i'm a hypocrite. cause i hate people like me. gah. RAWR i dont' know.

Dear cB diary,

This is going to sound so superficial, but I have to say something about it. Yesterday I picked up this hot little black dress and when I tried it on, for once in my life, I felt pretty. I almost cried. I felt like a girl that could walk out and not have people talk about her behind her back.

My brother was so pissed off yesterday. When we were at the mall and I ran to go see my mom, he stayed behind and walked a bit slower. There was a group of guys that were talking sh*t about me when I left and it hurt him so much to hear that. He was furious, tears were running down his face. He almost went up to them, but my mom caught his gaze. I felt so bad for him. I don't give two fucks about what people think or say about me, but to see him so upset, I just wanted to be able to protect him like I used to. I finally realized that I can't anymore. It's so hard to let go.

Julia, Naomi

Dear createBlog Diary,
Want to know something funny? It's like I get what I want but at the same time I don't. Something seems good but it's not. It's like I can never win. It's like I'm always messing up and everything is always my fault. And you know what else?? I'm sick of it. I always say I'm sick of it but god damnit I'm so sick of it right now because honestly everything is f**ked up and all of my priorities are messed up. I'm so angry and so frustrated.

You know, I got the courage to do something that I really think none of my friends could have really done. I asked him to prom. The guy who I love who f**king broke my heart. The one who ignored me for months. The one who puposefully ignored my calls. YEAH, him. And go figure, he said yes. You would think that that would be the hardest part, but oh, you would be very, very wrong. Silly, stupid me. I thought that it would be fine to have the guy I love as my date but I was very wrong. It's not fine. I get sh*t from everyone about it. Not only do I have to get sh*t from people but he does too. Drama. Unnecessary bullshit drama. And it f**king pisses me off because really it's noone else's business and there is no need for them to stick their noses in it and talk their sh*t. Of course though, no one understands that and people are always going to talk. Not only is this causing drama for both him and myself but it ruined plans. Lovely, I get the date I want but no one likes him. No one wants me to go with him. Oh and what else? Yeah I have no motherf**king group to go in. f**king WONDERFUL. Oh, oh and want to know another funny thing? IT'S MY FAULT. Go f**king figure that everything bad that happens to me is my motherf**king fault. This is so f**king stupid. Does anyone f**king understand why I didn't want to go now? ANYONE. I mean f**k, not only is f**king going to prom a financial burden but now I can't even go with my friends and me and my date get sh*t for going together. f**k this sh*t. Goddamnit, I have more important things to worry about but instead this stupid bullshit consumes my time.

Lets see. How many hours have I spend studying for the IB exams? HOW ABOUT NONE. f**k. Again, MY FAULT. But seriously I'm getting so much stress from f**king prom as it is that IB exams are not something else I want to be thinking about. Not only do I get stress from prom but my ass gets bitched at about college too. I'm f**king sorry my sorry ass can't get scholarships or that FAFSA won't help us out but GOD DAMNIT, I'm the motherf**king child so why do the financial burdens get passed down to me? They are the parents and it's their job to f**king deal with that sh*t. Not me. Damnit. I don't need them to stand there telling me that I can't go to college because of financial problems if I worked my ass off for four motherf**king years just so I could get into a motherf**king university. So f**k that sh*t. It's not my fault if I've applied for 20+ scholarships and got nothing in return. What the hell am I supposed to do? Want me to get job solely dedicated to college? f**k. Take away all of the free time that I have left that isn't being spent at school or church. I can never f**king do anything right or please anyone. Freaking damn failure. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but holy f**king sh*t, you don't tell your child, one that's worked hard for years to please you, that they still did somethign wrong.

Damnit. f**king IB exams are this week. My two hardest tests of course have to be in the first f**king week. YES. I get to fail at something else. I get to feel like an idiot once again. WOW. I'm so excited. I'm so excited to sit there for hours and fail miserably at a test. I'm so excited to walk as a "IB diploma candidate" knowing good and well that I'm not going to get the diploma. What a f**king retard I am. I screwed up so bad. Just wow. Not only am I failing two classes but my ass is gonna fail all the IB exams and I'm not going to get the diploma even though I wasted four years of my motherf**king life taking that f**king hell hole program. And for what? FOR NOTHING. Damnit. I seriously hate this.

sh*t is so f**king messed up and I don't know what to do. I know Phillip is really trying hard to be really good about this whole prom deal, I know. But at the same time I know what he really wants or how he really feels and I can't please him if I'm trying to please myself or if I'm trying to please everyone else. NOTHING WORKS OUT. He doesn't want to go with them. I do. They don't want him to come either. And we can't go anyway. f**k. And I don't want to go in the other group either. f**k that sh*t. Be the only half Korean in the whole god damn group and not only that but I'm not even friends with all of those people. UGH just everything is messed up for EVERYTHING. Senior year is supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be easy. Senior prom is supposed to be a blast. It's supposed to be spent with friends. NONE OF THAT IS HAPPENING FOR ME. Instead senior year has been filled with deaths, heartbreak, stress, burdens, tears, fights, drama, and whatever else. f**k this motherf**king sh*t I'm so f**king sick of it all. UGH. And it's too late for me to do anything...
-Me.

Dear cB Diary,

this year has been cruel to me. i don't really think i'm over him yet but i keep telling myself that i am. he's hurt me so much. i sorta like this other guy, and i know he likes me too, but he also likes this other girl. and i've learned a lot this saturday. not just from class, but from my friends. they've shown me that even though you haven't talked to that person in a long time doesn't mean that you can just stop liking them. something has to get in the way to make you stop. i haven't talked to this guy that i've sorta liked for about 3 years now and now i think i like him again. too bad he hangs out with a lot of weird people.
ok. enough complaining about nonexistant relationships. school isn't as stressful as before. sure, i leave projects, homework, and all that crap for last minute, but it isn't as stressful as 7th grade. and whenever i don't study for a test, i get 100. when i do, i get a 95. i mean, WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT? i'm just weird like that.
science is cool. i've been getting good grades in my class since 7th grade. but i always got 103 on those tests 'cause they were just so easy. not, i get 94's and 97's and 106's constantly. last year, i deserved a 99 or 100 average. and what does the teacher give me? a f*cking 93. now this year, i deserve like 97 or 96 and the teacher gives me 98. why? 'cause he's cool like that. and also 'cause i mark all the labs and articles and i'm a hardworker in class. i go up every lunch to file and grade 863-865's tests all the time. i've only gone to lunch... 6 times this year. and that's a good thing 'cause i get service credit for it. and so i get accepted into ARISTA like that. which is totally awesome.
i think i'm way smarter than i was in 7th grade. at least in every subject other than english. 'cause i got 100 average in english and this year, i got a 93 in all three quarters. it's still pretty good though. my spanish is wayyy better, but only 'cause i cheat on the tests. my social studies is pretty good this year too. but i cheat too. but only on 2 tests! science i've never cheated. i thought about it, but i was nahh 'cause i'm supposed to be naturally good at science. and so, i got a 97 on the last test that i was sure i failed! i thought that was awesome. my math average was a 99 in the first quarter and now is a 98 for both the second and third. i think my math would go down 'cause i got an 83 on the last quiz, but i had a test today which i think i did pretty good on. what other subjects? umm. i did english, spanish, social studies, science, math... umm. BAND! right. band's cool 'cause i get service credit for BOTH renaissance band and senor band. which is very good for ARISTA. and if i want to join York's band, that is, if they have one. all the violins and clarinets suck. except for the first clarinets, which include me, Brian, and Warren. renaissance band is pretty cool except for the fact that i have to get to school by 7:20. i remember i joined renaissance 'cause i was the best in my class at the soprano in 6th grade. i was one of the best sopranos in renaissance too. and now, i play the alto which is a larger version of the soprano and has the same fingering as the clarinet, so it's pretty easy for me. i'm getting better at first clarinet! i can now play high A without playing G first! i still need to work on B and C and D though... oh well.
i don't know why, but i hate bands when they start getting popular. and when someone hears a song on the radio and tells me that they LOVE the band when i knew it since like forever, it pisses me off like crazy. which is why i stopped liking Fall Out Boy and the All American Rejects. and Howie Day. and now, Jack's Mannequin. and all just 'cause everyone likes them now. which is why i've restrained from telling even my friends about my favorite bands. i just hate it when a song/band goes on the radio/mtv. it just ruins the band's reputation! i mean, OMG. like when these really popular preppy people who are supposed to like hiphop and rap and R&B and stuff start listening to my favorite bands, i get really pissed and feel like punching them in the face. and i almost did. once.
i should restrain myself more from violence.
why do i always write so much?

dear cbdiary...

i am not sure but...

i think i am back to normal!!!!!!!!!
perhaps... i dont know yet. i hope so...
and i wish i wasn't such an idiot around her...
damndamndamndamndamndamndamndamn...

sincerely,
kim

Dear CB Diary,

Today we talked. It was so awesome. I felt happy. I <3 my ENglish CLass---he's in it. We actually smiled at each other.

THere were no looks of revulsion.

i him.

-Me

Dear cB diary,

I'm so sick of just about everything right now. School (particularly English, Calc, & Physics), dance team and those damned girls who're pissing me off, parents, not being able to see him more, being sick, being insecure about my weight and everything else...ugh. Honestly. The only thing that's making me happy right now is him. Oh yeah, the lack of job sucks ass too. F:ASDLRJFVBD.

Dear cB diary,

today was one of the worst days of the school year. the science statewide multiple choice/open ended was today and you know what happened? my mom goes to school saying that she needs her keys and metrocard. why the f*ck would i have her keys? and i needed the metrocard to go home today. i mean, WTF? she interrupted me in the middle of a test that decides if i go onto 9th grade or not. sure, i'm also gonna have the Earth Science Regents soon, but it doesn't f*cking count! if i don't pass e.science [which is highly unlikely] i just have to take it again in HS. the statewide is one of the most important tests of the freaking school year! and possibly something that defines my future HS classes too. what happened is that i didn't finish the f*cking test 'cause of her. what a bitch! and i didn't get most of the questions 'cause the teacher didn't review anything and it was stuff that i learned in 7th grade and i have the worst memory. so i basically failed and i might be going to summer school this year. its all my moms fault. i bet that i'm gonna fail the test by less than 10 points and if i had actually finished the test, i'd pass. and on top of that, i lent my ruler to someone and they f*cking lost it. it wouldn't seem like much, but i was having a really bad day today. and my f*cking social studies teacher gave me a 90 on my f*cking exit project! it was the first project that i've done a week early and what do i get? a f*cking 90. whoopdef*ckingdoo. i should just go into school with a gun tomorrow [if they don't have metal detectors] and f*cking shoot him. now that would make me feel much better.
what was good about today was that Luis is stupid. in math, 7th period, he asked me what this thing is. i mean, WTF? haha, he was reading the DaVinci Code and it said something about roses and female genitalia and he asked me. LOLS. OMG i was laughing like crazy. haha. no one else knew and he was like bothering me a lot. i told Nicole what it means [she sits behind me], who wrote a note to tell Ashleigh [who sits next to Luis], who refused to explain it to him. i asked him to repeat the sentence he read it in and i told him to repeat the last two words and put it together with the words i told Nicole. and he still didn't get it! then he asked for a 'visual aid.' OMFG. i was laughing like crazy. and he was like. "oohh. what does it do?" lols. and then i just gave up. he asked Zeena later and he was like, "oh. ok. um i don't want a visual aid anymore." LOLS OMFG. haha.
and i'm still laughing.

Dear CB Diary,

So much drama in 1 school day. I feel sorry for Car**. Mar**** is such a bitch. Car** bf's friends are so mean also.

Priya

I AM SO motherf**king SICK OF HEARING ABOUT PROM

That is all.

(Well. Except that I'm on the verge of another nervous breakdown. The pill fortunately hasn't had any of its real possible side effects on me yet, but my hormones are just nightmarish right now. Plus, I just can't handle the stress that comes from the schoolwork I can't handle, so every little thing I should really care about is getting on my last nerve right now. Prom, in particular, shouldn't get to me so much, and yet...it really is bothering me. Alot. ..obviously. And I can''t study. I know I need to, but I'm so busy sitting here being angry at everything that I can't. This does suck a lot. I feel shitty. Why do I have no control over myself at all?)

Dear cB diary,

So today was pretty effed up. It started out okay...he was being all weird again, and I tried to brush it off. He'd cheer up then be all...gloomy again. It's driving me crazy, but whatever. Choir after school was retarded. I can't believe she just picked them even when its not her song and she's never heard any of us sing the solos, and they have HAD solos before! Me & S.C. have never this year! Wtf is up with that!? It's not fair. I've never tried for a solo in that choir before and I really wanted this one...I probably wanted it more than her...fxck. I'm so pissed off. Thats bullshit. I can't believe it. FSD:LFUKJCB. Then, before choir I found out she was apparently at the school. Great. Just great. That makes me feel a whole load better. Yeah they're friends but fxck...I can't stand her. I don't want her near him. UGH. Then, I feel so disconnected from my 2 best girlfriends lately...they talk so much more and seem to tell each other so much more, and when I ask they're always like 'It's nothing.' I feel so...isolated. And I don't even feel comfortable enough to bitch to him right now...ever since that one incident, I don't feel like I can tell him all this stuff even though he's said its okay because I know he doesn't really want to hear it...he just deals with it. I could listen to him bitch and moan all day and night, and I'd be okay with it and listen to him because I love him. Godammit...
I hate this.

Dear cB diary,

Eee. I keep on procrastinating about random stuff, and I think I will possibly have a mental breakdown if I keep stressing and spazzing out. My 8th grade promotion ceremony is only a month [maybe less] away, and I need to get a dress or at least something fancy-but-not-too-shmancy, you know? Then our Marine World trip is coming up soon, and I desperately need to get some things for that trip. Oh, and we just had our STAR testing so I guess that's 1 less thing to stop stressing out about.

There's BOYS too. C or N? I have a really bad/good feeling that C cares for me more than N does, but I still love N a whole lot, and he means the world to me.
Now I know how young teens in LUST feel about true love.

Anyway to wrap this all up, I know there are so many people out there that have bigger and more important problems than I do, but these are just problems of mine at the moment, and it needs to be resolved. FAST.
I'm bored and I have mentality issues.
Goodbye</3.

thanks chrissy

dear cb diary,
i feel uneasy. like a strange part of me has been waiting to come out of me. its rather sickening.

maybe it's just me trying to get rid of all stress. but i know it's not the way to handle it. i'm not a sane person...or at least i'm not going to be one for a while, anyway.

how horrid is this? damn. something is wrong with me.

its like, i feel like i need to do something drastic to change all the horrible things about me. to make wonderful people stop worrying about me. to make me stop apologizing for things i never realized i did. i feel like i need to go through a certain amount of pain for all the things that i've done. not physical, but mental. i just need to get something out of my system. some horrid person inside of me is waiting to come out. i want to leti t out, but i just don't want to let it out in front of people i love the most...

sometimes i wonder why i have so much pent-up anger inside of me. why i have so much hatred for little things that just bother me. why i'm such a hypocrite. i know theres no simple answer though. there could never be one.

Edit://
Dear cb diary,
Wow. My mood completely changed. Maybe it was the Naruto. :P Or maybe it was being able to talk to a couple of friends and catching up with them.

You know? I'm going to prove to Rani that shedoesn't have to worry about me. She's such an amazing friend. She's gone through so much. She shouldn't have to even think about how I'm doing twice. She should worry about herself. Same with everybody else.
I need self-esteem. But how do you get it?
I've been acting like I have it. Through sarcasm. Through being somewhat "blunt".
But obviously, that's all fake.

Ah, well. I don't want to go all introspective. That always gets me into horrid moods.
-Julia.

I AM IN LOVE. END OF STORY.

Dear cB diary...

Why is it whenever I have a good day, something bad always happens and ruins it all?

^ Feel better n remember you can talk to me.
Dear cB diary,

It's killing me knowing that he's out there right now .. I'm just here sitting thinking about what was the last thing he told me. It's killing me and I don't know what to do. ..

fcuk.

Dear cb Diary,

Blah, there's only about 26 more days of classes left, and I really wish this was all over. I hate school and the people in it so much. I just can't wait for college where all this high school bs is gone. I can't wait for college so I can have some independence. Blarg.

Prom is stressing me out so much. I have no limo/group to go with, no table, no afterprom just because one friend cancelled on me. I guess this is what I get for not being social and having many real friends. Oh, and I have yet to get a dress too... Fcuk, it's going to cost me so much for one night. It really better be worth it.

And him, I'm so confused. He's acting different, more 'aggressive' about women. Like, he's more open to talking about them, and saying when she's hot, etc. It pisses me off, but I can't do anything about it, just counter with hot guys. Gah, and he doesn't really show that much more affection towards me. Meh, I hope we last though.

Thanks Lo.

Dear cB diary...

I'm feeling better after an emotional phone conversation...sigh. I was really open for once though and I just told him what I thought and how I felt and he seemed to understand...I hope things get better after this...Its good now but...I'm still a teensy bit worried.

Dear cB Diary,

One more month. :\ I don't think I can handle it.

- Kelly

Dear CB Diary,

Well, this is the home stretch. Finally.

No more classes, just IB tests to get through and it's all over. What a relief. I'm excited. About a lot of things. We got our yearbooks Friday and I just can't wait for all the signing to begin. I can't wait for prom, graduation, work, and all that the summer has in store for me.

I should have done more studying today, but whatever. I'll end with Spain and China tonight and hopefully still be able to remember it next week. I reviewed a little for English. I'm kind of excited for that test. Just a little.

I'm excited about work. Everyone knows that I'm coming back, he said. I hope someone else is aware of his information. Ahhhhh. I'm sucha loser.

I hope my dress is fixed. Well, I still have one more full weekend before prom...I'm stressed but excited about it. I hope he's excited for it too.

--Teesa

Dear Createblog Diary,
It's sad when I need something so..simple to cheer me up.
But right now, considering the situation, it's the only thing that works.
I've made so many mistakes. And I keep on making them. Why?

I hate it when people look at me, and think that I'm just some silly/nerdy asian girl. What about what's inside? And...why don't people realize that I know more than they think I do? Why don't people realize that I'm not as oblivious as they think I am?

GAH.
KDJFHKSDHFSKDHFJSDHSDFKLFSDKJFSDKLHFSD.

^^ Julia, love...it's because people are idiots.



Dear cB diary,

For some reason one little comment has turned my world upside down. It doesn't really have anything to do with any of the important parts of me, my spirit, my personality, my capability to love. He commented on my voice, and yet, for some reason I feel that I might have the courage to let him get to know me. Even if there is this HUGE possibility that I'll get shut down before I even get out the door, I almost feel like I could give it a try.

dear cb diary

so he came over last night and we had an evening that a real couple would have. it was amazing. he had dinner with me and my family, he took me out for ice cream, came back and watched a movie and some old dance videos with my mom and sister. but what's more than that was the way he and myself acted towards each other. we held hands almost the whole night, we cuddled a bit (when my mom and sis left the room or else it would've been awkward), and that goodbye hug lasted like 2 minutes. i thought for sure he was going to kiss me. but still i wonder if he's going to do something about us, last time he said he didn't want to ruin the friendship, but we've never been this close! do i gather some courage and kiss him or wait and see if he kisses me? i don't know yet. but one thing is we're closer than ever before!

I loooove Christa.

............i'm krista...........

wait, scratch that. there's another christa

Um well. o.o

nvm nvm. forget i said anything. that was my mistake.

Dear cB Diary,

Well, he's here. He came home about 5:00 AM early this morning. Mom's at work and so the three of us are here with him. He's out in the garage putting the new license plate on the BMW. I know he's excited to drive it, it's his retirement car---although he's not retiring for another five to seven years. Once I woke up, I could already tell the shift within our home with him being back again. It's quieter, and everyone stays in their rooms. Everyone pretty much keeps to themselves. Y'know, really, I hope this changes. But I doubt it will, there's too much emotional baggage. So, here's to a long three weeks..

And as for my sweetie. He didn't call me yesterday like he said he would. He's at his dad's this weekend, all the way across town, and I know that he can't really make that many calls while he's over there, but he promised me he would. It was my last day yesterday, and it really sucked that I couldn't talk to him. I miss him so <3.

Sarah Joy

Dear Cb Diary,

These past few days with him were fab! I have learned to take every thing that he has to give because I never see him anymore because of him work.. ( DAMN HIS WORK) Anyway... I think were starting to get closer even though we have been going out for over 8 months now, think the true love thing is just now starting to kick in. Im so happy about this I just want to jump up and never come back down. On F-day I was walking back to class with friend and I came across him and he looked as though he was about to leave. But school wasent over for another 45 min? So i was like " Hey where you going" He said suppized to see me " Home ". So I walked him down around to the door where he was going out and then he looked at me with thoughs big blue eyes of his .. ( That I just melt over) And he says " Come with me " SO WHAT DO I DO? I go with him out the door down to the park. So were sitting there in the park on a nice and sunny day and he just puts his arm around my arm and pulls me back words. So there we lay on the soft grass looking up at the trees with his arms around me holding me like he would never let me go and he just looks over and wispers in my ear " I love you." AW yes I know I could have just died right there from happyness of corce I told him this to. It was just a good day. >.<

<3 Him
<3 Cb
<3 Shelby

dear cB,
i'm tired. eeeks! i'm just tired of everything. of school, of work, of relationships...everything basically. i don't know ehhs...i guess i could survive..i think he hates me..i haven't really been talking to him lately..but it's nto my fault...everytime we have a chance to talk he's always freaking playing games. then he expects me to play games with him..omigosha, i can't play games like every freaking day. i just can't do that anymore. i mean i use to do that like back in the day, but i have a life now! not saying i didn't have a life back then, but now my life is just more complicated you know what i'm saying? my schedule is more busy and built in...i just don't have time to do that anymore you know what i mean? i don't have time to just enjoy myself like i used to. i don't have time to build our relationship back up, and i'm not even sure i want to? i don't know....at first i was really excited that he was finally talking to me again after nearly two years, but i just don't know anymore...i mean i really like you-know-who...but i don't really know about him either..he just..i don't know he just doesn't seem to be as interested in my as i am in him. i just really wish things wouldn't get in between us. i just don't know. i hate relationships they're so complicated...you know what? i'm just not going to be in one...yeahhhh...that's an awesome idea... ;D

Naomi, I know. :[ I hate it when people like them get to me as well as others, too.

Dear cB diary,
Strange. I seem to be in a good mood again.
Sucks that I have to go back to school tomorrow. This is how I know this feeling of being slightly happy will go away as quickly as possible.

I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't met all these wonderful people I know now. It'd be completely different.

I think I'd still be that girl in the corner.

Yeah, I'd definitely be that girl in the corner, with nothing to say. With nothing to feel. With nothing to offer.

Dear cB diary,

I find that cleaning makes me happy. I've known this for a long time now, but for some reason I am just now gathering up the motivation to get up and do it. Home improvement projects make me happy. Reading the lastest issue of ShojoBeat makes me happy...

I think you can see where I'm going with this.

I've known all these things all along. I figure that it's time to stop caring too much for other people and care a bit more for myself. I love all my friends, but I have nothing left to give at this point. It's time for me to recharge my batteries. In fact, it's long overdue.