originally started by faithin_felix.

You guys know how it works.




Dear CB diary,

Wow, it's been awhile since I've been in here. Europe was absolutely amazing, but I'm sad to be home. I missed my own bed and Adrian but other than that...I want to go back. I miss it so much. Now that I'm home, there's so much stress and so many stupid things to do...ugh, its driving me crazy. Fiddler practice yesterday was so frustrating because people are so stupid. At least I saw Adrian. That was absolutely wonderful. I love just being with him. I missed him so much. It made me so happy that he came to the airport to see me when I got back. It was a lovely surprise. It really was. Got sick when I got home though for a few days which really sucked. I'm feeling better now though...still tired. I want to see him again. I can't help being so...attached. I just love being with him and everything so much. We need to makeup for the time I wasn't here...

dear cb diary,

yesterday was so fun.
i wont type it out again, but yeah. i mean, dads dont get married all that often.
the thought that joy is going to move in with us scares me, though. i didnt like her to begin with, i still dont like her.
im still at courtneys.
dads going on his honeymoon with her next week.
friggen jamaica.
lucky bitches.

- cassie

Dear Cb Diary,

Lately I have been very tired and have no motivation to do anything. I keep avoiding my friends but they don't get that I do not like hanging out with them. Don't get me wrong. I really like my friends. They're caring and nice but so mundane. They hang out every night and do the same thing. Couples make out on couches and the others sit around and talk/dance/watch a movie. Sometimes I can't take it though I know it's wrong. I should appreciate and care for my friends// just be thankful that I have them. I like sitting at home watching movies and listening to music. I'd rather do that then waste another night watching my friends make out. Does this make me a bad person?

Also, I have a friend who is so well off. Her parents work hard for her yet she has to be upset all of the time. Nothing ever works out for her and she is so d*mn narcissistic. I can't hold coversations anymore because she is the only one talking. Whenever I try to say something she has to bring herself into it and I know she only cares about what I have to say so she can relate with her own experiences. She is always unhappy. She has a wonderful life yet she doesn't appreciate it.

I don't know.

dear createblog diary,
i hate knowing that i'll never be content. there's always, always something about myself or someone or something that's not good enough and unsatisfying. why? why is it so hard for me to be fine with who i am? i'm wondering that after this dieting and working out thing...once i get my body "toned", will i even be happy? will all that hard work go to waste? that's so stupid how i think once my physical appearance turns good, i'll be so much "happier".
i have the greatest friends in the world. they're so amazing. they're just such great people. they're ALWAYS there if i need them. am i the same? am i just as good as a friend? i'm worried that i'm not. i'm so f**king selfish. i hate selfish people. that just makes me a hypocrite, doesn't it? god.
i wish i had motivation. i wish i would put more effort into things. it's like..i just dont' care about things anymore. it's so terrible. so sad. blarrrr.
i wish i had a person to love as well. not friend like..but..you know. i just keep on watching these soap operas and reading all these love stories..and it makes me yearn for a type of love that they have. all of it is fake, though..right?

ahh. i'm just rambling. i'm so disappointed in myself.

Dear CB Diary,

So, not much has changed since my last entry. Well, Baba and Ma have stopped fighting. They can't go more than seven days without speaking to each other. Then they realize they can't live without each other. It just sucks that they need a fight to come to that conclusion. But whatever. I love them with everything I've got.

Thank goodness for Spring Break. I love it so far.

Went down to Fort Collins. EH. I'm choosing Boulder I guess. It seems weird talking about college. Hm.

Also went to an Indian party after a while. I love the people's house we went to. So nice and so cute. Mm, also watched my NCAA bracket crumble quite a bit. I gave Dada a 5 minute sportscaster commentary in OT on the Uconn v. George Mason game. Lol, I gotta do that for a living.

I also haven't seen him in a month. So, it's totally dumb of me to still be talking about him when I think I've kind of even forgot his lovely face. But I have come to the conclusion that I just have to go back and work there. If I don't, the reason would be because of him, which is very dumb of me. So, that's that. UGH. I want a boy. Kind of.

--Teesa

Dear CB Diary,

God I love him. I keep having funny daydreams though of the future...but we have talked about it and things are working amazingly right now. He's my world...I don't know what I'd do without him...especially if he has to move away...agh. I really hope he doesn't.
In the meantime, life isn't so bad. A bit stressful, but meh.

Dear cB diary,

I'm so happy that April is right around the corner. I've pretty much had enough of this school for a while and I'm ready for summer. Ready for a change. I still have my ups and downs, but I'm trying really hard to stay optimistic. For every dark cloud there is a silver lining. It helps to remember that.

More details later. For now, it's nap time

Dear CB Diary,


SOMEBODY ASKED ME TO PROM.

Dear cB diary:

I want to move out.. now. I don't care if my family misses me or not, I just don't care. I told them that I don't want to go to Princeton for college, then they get all mad. And they wonder why I don't want to go to college instate, when I do go.
Ugh.
edit;; Only Angie knows what I'm talking about.

Dear cB Diary,

My birthday's in five days. =)

I had a great time with Dom. He's a sweet guy but I wish he would take me to prom. -_-

- Francesca

Dear cB diary,

Not now. Not today. I did NOT need this. I hate her. I absolutely hate her. I've honestly never in my entire life been quite this jealous. I used to be her friend. Now...she's gone but it haunts me. I just get this horrid gut feeling whenever she's around him and I can't stand it. And he's going tonight. He's going. When I found out, I hoped and prayed he wouldn't be able to or just not go...but he is and I can't do anything about it. He's going. If she lays a hand on him...augh. This is breaking me. Today of all days, I can't take this. I'm at my breaking point as it is, this just shoved me right off the edge. I want her to leave. And I vaguely remember a statement of her going there for university...if they both did, I would shoot myself.

Dear cB diary,

So, today sucked. SHE was flirting again, and again, ignoring me. It pisses me off so much. I just want to strangle her! After school, Bryant, Max, and I went to Lucy's house. It started out fine, we put our things away, ate, watched some television, did our project. Then, Lucy's sister interupted. I swear, that little brat ruins everything. We stopped on our project because of her. So, Max and Bryant were playing around with our phones and taking pictures, then, it happened. Lucy took Bryant's phone out of curiosity and looked through it. Earlier, she had entered her phone number into Bryant's adress book. Erica, Max, Maxim, Tina, everyone was there, except for who? LUCY. I know she really liked him, but she was just heartbroken. She wasn't even on his address book. He deleted her from it. Why? I have no idea. The rest of the time, everything went downhill. Lucy and I were sending each other messages back and forth while Max and Bryant 'played around' with Lucy's sister. I felt so sorry for her. Max and Bryant were so clueless.. So, we finally finished (WITHOUT ANY OF BRYANT'S HELP AT ALL :stuborn:) and it was time to go. Max's dad came and drove him home. Lucy's dad went drove Bryant and I home. The carride was really.. I don't know.. Weird.. Lucy kept talking to me about it and Bryan't just acted clueless.. I finally got home, relaxed. Ah, home sweet home..

dear cb diary,
no.
i can't.
i won't.
but i will. goddamnit, i have to.

Dear CB Diary,

Meh. Today wasn't such a great day... Rejected from Columbia. My dream school. The school I had such great plans to attend. The school that I knew I had to go to ever since I got into the middle school I wanted to. The school that I love. I love walking around the campus. I love exploring the buildings. I just love so much about it. And now, there's nothing I can do. I can always try to transfer next year. Sigh. I am so disappointed in myself.
Waitlisted at Cornell. Supposedly the easiest ivy to be admitted to. If I couldn't get accepted, this reflects on me too. The colleges claim that these rejects don't mean that I'm stupid... but it just hurts so much. Everything I've been working for was for Columbia. I really hoped to see myself one day on the campus that I would always visit. But I guess that's the problem... All I had was hope. But what use is that than to create false pretenses.
This really hurts so much. The worst pain I have felt. Coupled with the reflections published in the paper of the two Stuy students that died, I just couldn't stop crying today.
Eh, I guess there's always NYU.

Dear cb diary:

I wish he cared.. I really do. Even a friend that I vaguely know cared more about me yesterday than he has for the past few weeks.. and it shouldn't be like that.

Taylor``

Dear CB Diary,

This spring break flew by so fast and I feel like there's still so much to get done. I guess there is a lot still left of my high school career.

I think there's something wrong with me. I don't like hanging out with my friends much anymore. I get bored and tired really easily. It's not that they are the ones that are boring, it's just that I get bored with what we're doing, or not doing. Gosh, I love them to death, but I don't know. I feel disgusted with myself lying to everyone and saying I have other things to do when I really am doing nothing (except for sitting here typing out a CB diary entry ). I hate liars, and I am a hypocrite. I complain about not going out...when I can.

Gosh. It seems like there is something missing. Something lacking. I can't put my finger on it, but I know something's missing. Maybe I don't know what it is because I've never had it. Who knows? One thing I do know is, is that I'm tired. And bored. At this rate, I will have no friends. What a concept. I've lost interest in things I'm assuming. I hate high school, not that excited for college, and want things to change. I hate looking at the same things, being at the same places, hearing the same complaints, just a lot of things.

Something has to change. I've been telling myself this, the entire year. Maybe the change needs to come from me.

--Teesa

Dear Createblog Diary,
Legs ache.
Tired.
Sick of physical appearance.
Blah.
Blah.
Blah.

f**k. I'm in a bad mood. :[

Julia, I freaking love you. Talk to me if you feel like poo because I will try my hardest to cheer you up!!

Dear cB Diary,
I haven't written in a while, I'd say. Not that much has really changed or happened to me. Go figure.

So he's ignoring me. Why? I have no idea. I wish he'd at least talk to me to tell me why he's going to ignore me. That'd be nice. I can't not talk to him. It doesn't work like that. I can't not see him. It doesn't work like that. He needs to be a part of my life and I need to be a part of his as well. I don't get it. How can he just act like this and push everything away? It's the weed I tell you. It has to be. I've been watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind quite a lot and you know, it speaks to me. Even though they wanted their memories of each other to be erased, they end up realizing that they love each other and no matter the outcome, they still want those memories, etc. Why can't Phillip see that? Why can't he see that no matter how hard he tries everything that happened, happened, and the memories are important because soon that's all we'll have. I just want him. Is that so bad??

Prom is coming up. What a joke. I don't want to go. I want a date. I don't want a friend to take me as a friend. I want someone to take me as a date. I want Phillip. Again, Phillip, Phillip, Phillip. God, what are you doing??

Okay, enough, enough. Let's talk about this Spring Break. I spent more than half of it at home crying because of Phillip. (Ah, there I go again.) But then I started to go out starting Thursday night. That was fun, I suppose. Saturday night was pretty fun. Drinking a bit, going to the hookah bar, dancing, driving downtown to only turn around and come back home, watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again, and teepeeing that jerk's house.

Whatever, I guess this week was alright but I'm so sick of everything. Of people and all their stupid drama and even MY own drama and problems. Sick of it all. I just wanna go to college and get away from high school, parents, etc. And mostly I just want him. Ugh I hate myself because all I do is talk about him and think about him and god damnit even when I'm trying not to it still happens. What the hell...This sucks.

Man, and now that Spring Break is over I have so much shit to do. Brilliant Christina, bloody brilliant to leave it all to the last possible minute. Story of my life. I do everything wrong. Why do I even try anymore? I might as well just kiss that IB diploma goodbye. I don't even think I'll pass the tests anyway so all of this work just seems pointless when I could be doing other things like sleeping, though that is a pathetic way to spend my time. In fact, I think I'll go do that now. I don't know why but I just love sleeping. It's my favorite. It takes me away from this hell-hole world and I get to dream. In my dreams I can actually be happy.

I must sound insane...
-Me.

Dear CB diary,

I'm using my brother's computer right now. It's near since it's brand new (unlike mine). I love how the keyboard isn't as worn out as the one I usually use. All it needs is AIM and I can launch! Nothing much happened except the smell of Salmon is cooking.

I love Kingdom Hearts 2. There's just too many cut scenes, but I love it. I'm hoping on finishing it in less than a month (around April 25).

Dear cB diary,

It's April, and as sad as I can be sometimes, I'm so happy it's here. Friday I went to the beach with Karen and it was wonderful. The breeze was warm and the sand felt so nice beneath my feet. I was a knee length, A-line skirt that day, and the way it blew to and fro in the wind made me feel free. I let my hair loose and felt as if I could fly. Oh, what I'd give to make that moment last forever.

How is it that you can feel, even smell, spring? As sure as I'm sitting here I can feel it in the air. I love it. Right now I've got both windows open wide. I want to take as much of it in as I can. I know that soon it'll be gone and summer will burn everything.

Last night was horrible. I've never felt so desperate in my life. Evan called me made me realize just how lonely I am. Do I give in? Do I let things go back to the way they were? I'm not sure anymore. I can't even remember why I hate him anymore. I can't remember how he broke my heart. All I see, all I hear, is the way he said my name and smiled at me. How he used to hold onto me as if he was holding onto life itself. I felt cherished. Thank goodness I talked to Dustin, Chrissy, and Kiera. I was alone in my room, in the dark, and it was storming outside. I felt so disconnected from life. It almost felt as if I would never feel the light again.

Chrissy, I love you more. Same to you if you're ever feeling down, okay?

Naomi, feel better. I know I can't do much :[ Don't let him bring you down.

Dear Createblog Diary,
So. New York has been alright. I just kind of wish that I had friends to hang out with here. I mean, I just met Frank, Amy, and Jason. They're all really nice people, but obviously I don't know them well. We don't have much to talk about, really...eh. I was hoping to get Jason more (since he's around my age), but NY kids are still in school. It sucks. Haha. I have to admit, he's cute. Anyway, hanging out with family isn't exactly the best thing to do, especially if my temper is high. -.- god. I was about to blow up at Henry and Mom today. They can be so frustrating. Dad's just crazy, Henry and Mom just walk off whenever they want, and Serina and Alex are insane. Their temper is x3987439847's worse than mine is. Seriously, they freak out when one little thing happens. It feels like I'm the only sane person in our family. AHH. And I am this close to becoming insane. >:[ BLAH.

Calling home and other kids that I normally talk to on the phone is nice and all, but I just feel like I'm bothering them. Like they have something better to do. I SHOULD have something better to do. I'm in freaking New York. But I can't go anywhere alone. I can't go out with friends since I don't have any here (or any that I can meet up/hang out with). Ah. It all just kind of sucks. Family is boring. Sorry.

I probably sound insane typing this. And selfish, too. People have always wanted to go to NY! -__- Why aren't I enjoying this? I mean, I am...but not as much as I hoped I would. Blah.

Okay, mom's here. Gotta go.
-Julia.

Dear cB diary,

I should be having the time of my life right now. I should be so happy and carefree. Why do I feel so sick? Why do I hate myself? Honestly, I just want to leave and never come back. I just want to leave the world of material things and be lost where no one can find me. If it were to happen, maybe I'd find some purpose.

Dear cB diary,

Why am I so constantly paranoid? Why godammit, why!? Fxck. I hate seeing him like this and feeling there's something he's not telling me...he promised me there's nothing and I trust him and that I'm just being stupid again but augh...I just keep getting that feeling, y'know? Then I see her tonight...I act nice but I want to just kill her. Then I saw those pictures...I feel like crying again. I've already talked to him about it and there's no point in this but I can't help it. I don't want to be like this! I hate being like this...it makes me so hateful, and angry and sad and it makes me hate MYSELF because I can't stand thinking and acting like this. Fcuk paranoid. Fxck it. Honestly. I just wish all could be well. Then I'm so stressed about school right now. I hate school. I really, really do. I just want to run away with him and be carefree. Really. I hope he actually likes the surprise I got him and that it all works out...I'm so impatient. I can't wait until August now. Ack. I need a vacation. I need him. I need to feel secure.

dear cB,
it's been awhile huh? well, nothing new. i just feel like i don't belong anywhere. i'm so out of place right now....i don't feel like myself. i guess all i can do at a time like this is just study hard and keep my grades up....

dear cb diary,

i know this feeling all too well. unrequited love is the worst isn't it? why do i always seem to like the ones that probably will never return the same feelings? why do i even have hope for something that won't even last. why am i always the one sacrificing, and giving the most in any relationship? and why do they always leave me.

Dear cb Diary,

I'm such a dork. I need to get away from the computer because all I have to write about has to do with being online.

God, help me.

auntysandy: because boys suck. :[ the end. i love you sandy <333 tell me who's being a bastard because i'll e-bitch at them for you. you have been there for me and this time i'll be there for you =)

dear cb diary,
spring break will be over soon. that means i'll be back to hell in no time.

Dear cB Diary,

Spring break! Anyway, the school year is coming to an end pretty soon. There are so many things I need to get together for the chinese school graduation. Can't wait.

Yee!

dear cb diary,
it amazes me how sometimes i spill my heart out onto this tiny little forum topic. i guess just don't care about how public this diary is. i just need my emotions to get out. anyway...

so i've come to realize that i overanalyze. i overanalyze A LOT. i put things into strong consideration before doing anything drastic..especially when it comes to boys. boys, boys, boys. goddamn. i realize that i'm too picky, and too choosy when it comes to liking someone. this is why i feel so lonely sometimes. this is why i'm almost never fully content. isn't that terrible? i wish i weren't like that. i wish it were like the old days where i didn't have to think too much about liking someone. i just know that i overanalyze because i want this "someone" to be perfect; no flaws. but isn't that impossible? why can't i fully understand that? i'm so fxcking difficult. this is so sad. oh so sad.

i also wish i weren't disappointed so easily. i hate disappointment. dissapointing others..disappointing myself...being disappointed in others. it just sucks. it really does. i expect things to get worse each time but when they actually do, i go even crazier or even more sad.

my personality sucks. bad qualities. blah. AHHH. i'm going to go insane.

Dear cB Diary,
Needless to say, I'm totally confused and torn. Go figure, right? Well I don't know anymore. I want him so badly. God, I want HIM no one else, just him. I love him. I miss him. Him, him, him. However the bastard doesn't get that and because he smokes so much damn weed, his brain is f**ked up. I can't sit here and constantly feel like shit because he doesn't seem to give a damn about me. I know he does, he has to, right? It hurts too damn much to think that he doesn't after everything but at the same time it hurts to think that he does and that he'd still do this. I dont' get it. You know, guys like me. Wow, right? Last night I made out with some basically random guy. Tonight this cute boy came up to me to tell me I was really cute. Other guys ask me out on dates. If other guys want me, how much more should he want me, y'know? We have a history together, we had so many great moments, so many memories, so much love, or so I thought... I don't know, I just don't get it. Part of me is like, okay, just leave it alone already. Go on dates with these other boys. Talk to other guys. Go out more. The other part of me is like, you can't. You need to wait for him. He needs you and he'll realize it soon. Just wait it out. Either way, both are so hard. I'm so torn. Either way I get hurt. EITHER WAY. It's a lose-lose situation. If I wait, I end up crying my eyes out every night. I end up feeling like shit and just constantly having him on my mind. If I don't wait though, he could come back and then I didn't wait...so it screws shit up more. And plus, everytime I am with another guy I can't help but wish it was him instead. Always, I always do that. It feels almost wrong to be with other guys because I feel like I'm cheating. Yeah, we aren't together but he has my heart still. I don't know what to do. I just know I'm sick of this but god damnit, I wish there was an easy f**king solution or that he would just come back already. I wish that I didn't fall so hard and that I didn't give him my heart. I should have held onto it like I was planning. I got myself into this. I hurt myself. I'm still hurting. Everyone gets their shit fixed. Look at those two. Drama, drama, drama, but they're still fine. Why aren't him and I fine?? WHY? Why does he f**k shit up so much? All he f**king does is smoke weed. I know why he does it. To get away from everything. To take away from all the pain and to make him feel "normal" and because every single one of his friends does it. I want to be there for him. Use ME to take away the pain, use ME to make you feel normal, Phillip. Why can't he just come back? Why does it have to be this hard? Why does God keep doing shit like this to me? Do you know I'm f**king angry with you God??? DO YOU KNOW? Of course you know - you know everything. Please, f**king enlighten me and tell me why you're doing this to me?! I dont' care about shit anymore except him. Maybe you're trying to teach me to stop caring so much about him but you're doing it the WRONG WAY. Why doesn't he miss me? I really don't get it. I must be a retard, right? I just don't understand. No one understands either. No one knows what's going on and everyone either tells me you gotta keep trying or to give the f**k up. It's not some clear cut bullshit answer like that, okay? If it was, I wouldn't have wasted, what?, seven months of my goddamned life feeling like this if I could fix it so easily like that. I just wish he'd talk to me. Why doesn't he want to talk to me? What is he thinking in that stupid, twisted, immature brain of his????? f**k THIS. I hate this. Yeah I do have fun. I can't say my whole entire life sucks. I get that I have these great friends and family. I GET THAT. I don't care. That means nothing to me when I have to live everyday knowing he doesn't want to talk to me and when I have to live everyday with this broken heart. UGHGhralkglkrjalkjgajklgrlakgj. And freaking prom. God damn. STOP WITH PROM. Leave me alone. I DONT WANT TO GO. OKAY? Get that through all of your heads and leave me alone. I'm not going in your group, I'm not going with you, I don't want to go dress shopping. Just stop. I'm not going unless I get a date and no one is going to ask me and besides I don't want to go with just anyone. Sorry I have standards and while I might sound a complete bitch I don't want to go with just a friend and I don't want to go with someone who is busted. SORRY. I don't even know what I'm ranting about anymore. My head is spinning because I'm so sad and angry and frustrated. I keep saying I can't wait til college but what about college? f**k, I'm still gonna be heartbroken. Diary, why is Phillip doing this?
-Me.

Dear Cb Diary.

I hate the feeling of being new to this place. It makes me not want to come here anymore.

I hate moms slow computer. DSL sucks butt.

- Cassie

While walking to Church today with my phony mother and overly-religious grandmother, I realized I haven't got a clue what to do when life comes and smacks me across the face. I think it might come next year.

Wish me luck, yo.

dear cB,
i'm a terrible person. no really i am, i'll admit to it. i'm going to attempt to become nicer. a better person so you'd say. i don't like who i am now so i'm going to change it. simple. =]

Dear cB diary,
I can't stop crying. Please, I want to stop crying. I've been crying basically all day. This is stupid. I'm so stupid. Why is this happening? Why doesn't he want to talk to me? What did I do? Why? WHy is he ignoring me? I don't get it...what am I supposed to do? Why, God, why?? Why does everyone come back? He came back to her, he came back to her, he came back to her. Why do they all try to fix things? After all that time, he is trying to fix things with her. WHY? I don't get it. I can't stop crying over this. Over everything. I'm a failure, a screw up. I f**ked up everything. Not just things with him but with friends and with school. Just everything. f**k. I'm not going to get my IB diploma. God, I'm really not. f**k. I did this. Still, why? Why is he not talking to me...I love him and he doesn't even want to talk to me. Fuckkk. Why??
-Me.

Chrissy
Ilu.

Dear cb diary,
I found this on myspace just now:

>SCORPIO
>Nice
>EXTREMELY sexy.
>Intelligent
>Energetic.
>Predict future.
>Most erotic.
>Freak in bed.
>GREAT kisser.
>Always get what they want.
>Sexy.
>Attractive.
>Loud.
>Loves being in long relationships.
>Talkative.

Haha. Awesome (I'm a scorpio, btw).

Just took 143980419814 pictures.
Blah.

- Cassie

Dear cB diary,
i cant finish a simple step!just super simple but i still cant!=( i wana to cry because i must face the fact--im an idiot.my friends dont care for me and dont say ANYTHING.disappointed. i just want someone care for me...at least......

-Winnie

Dear cB diary,

Afaid. Suckness Spring Break Ever!

Marissa

dear cb diary,
i hate it when i'm in this kind of mood.
i hate being f**king introspective. and i hate thinking about the damned past.
i hate feeling lonely. all the f**king time.

uhg.

you know, i finally realized why i've never had a serious boyfriend. it's because i'm too damned scared. scared that once he finds out that i'm not just that silly/friendly girl everyone thinks i am. scared that he's gonna find out that i'm just really a cold, mean, and bitchy girl on the inside. no boy could EVER prepare for that part of me. when i wish i just had someone to talk to, to be held, to be loved and all that shit, i realize that that's not reality. i don't think i'll ever find someone like that. it's seeming like it's impossible now.

sucks, doesn't it?
you know what else sucks?
pretending to be happy for someone else.
and you know what else?
these damned people keep on f**king bothering me to be "happy". i can't be happy if you're going to complain about how shitty i feel. i can't be happy if you keep on TRYING to f**king piss me off. i can't feel goddamned happy if you make fun of me. just shut the f**k up and leave me the f**k alone.

youknow, i look at all these girls at school when theyre passing by me through the hallways with their boyfriends. most of them are just whores and sluts [i use that word rarely] who go out with a different guy each day. what makes them so lovable? what makes them good enough to go out with? what makes them be good enough for their hands to be held, for the bodies to be hugged, for their boyfriends to say "i love you" to them each and every single day? am i just the kind of person who doesn't deserve that kind of stuff? am i not as lovable as they are? i'll admit it. i am jealous. but who wouldn't be when you're feelnig this damned lonely?

why can't i get that feeling where you like someone? i haven't liked someone in so long. what am i goddamned waiting for? nothing, i guess. i just don't find anyone i know around me interesting enough to like. no, it's not that. it's just..i don't like anyone. and it really sucks. AHSDKFHSDKHSDFKH.

i'm so bitter. it's terrible, isn't it?
whatever. i'm just ranting and being bitchy right now. i'll come back later.

Dear CB Diary,

Hello. I guess right now, I am doing okay. Grades aren't the best, but I am just worrying about tests right now. I am hoping to pass all of them nicely.

I am really surprised that I got asked to prom. I was expecting to be single and be dancing with my friends like the past few years. But I am very happy to be going to it with him. He really is a great guy. I just don't know why he would ask me and not some other girl. But prom is really stressing me out right now. I thought I had a dress, but I want to find a better one, so I have to hit the stores again this weekend. I couldn't find anything today. It was so dumb and I am mad. But if I can't find anything this weekend, I'm sticking with my original dress, I guess.

Right after school, I went to drop off my camera. Whoo, I haven't been there in a while. I didn't see him, so right when I looked over, I saw him. Haha, it was kind of weird. So I couldn't leave without him seeing me as well. I walked over there and talked to some people and he kind of stopped by and left. *sighhhhhhhhhhhh* I hate life sometimes. I hate it a lot.

--Teesa

Dear Createblog Diary,
So, yeah. I feel better now. All I needed was a quick shower.
Today, I got my Hayao Miyazaki OST set for Spirited Away and Princess Mononoke. I think that's what made this day completely better.

Ah. I hate being so materialistic sometimes, but at least I'm somewhat happy.

Dear Createblog Diary,

i feel quite.........since i have best friends in the world<3,i cant satnd for teh pressure that is given by my stuid mun......
what can i do??
anyway,thz or listening to me!
-winnie

Dear cB diary...

Augh. I hate this. I'm the most paranoid, horrid girl ever. I hate this. I hate her. I hate the thought of them spending time together...and this time, its not out in publice even...she's going to be at his house...ugh. I know nothing is going to happen but I have this bad gut feeling about her possibly liking him...could just be me being stupid but AUGH.

I hate this.

dear cB diary,

Last night was so, so, so amazing. After school went to sushi with ----- and ---- and then came home, booked a limo and headed out to go take family photos. Grandpa was feeling sick so we didn't end up doing it but we all went out to dinner and I got to hang out with my lovely cousins. After that ---- called and asked where I was and he came to pick me up.. then we went to his house for a while to watch the rest of the game and hung out with his family for a bit. Then we went back out and rented a movie and went to my house to watch it. I changed into my pajamas so basically I looked like crap =) We had it on on my comp and we were lying in bed and the movie was boring so eventually I started to doze off. He had his arm around me so gently and he kept kissing my cheeks and whenever I opened my eyes he was just there looking at me. And whenever he saw me open my eyes he whispered for me to keep sleeping. At one point he told me he had to leave because he was waking up early tomorrow but when I half-conciously and selfishly told him I wanted him to stay, he did. And then he told me he loved me. And I knew he meant it. Because 3 months ago we were having an argument and he said that he didn't feel like he really knew me. So I told him he wasn't allowed to say it anymore until he meant it, and he held it off until this week, while we were on the phone and he told me how he felt about me as a person. It was so incredibly flattering.

I think what made this feel extra special is the fact that we've been working on this relationship for so long... all of our doubts, fights, insecurities... it's like we've now reached a happy medium. The talk we had on affection made us much more comfortable physically and beyond that we are just so much more free with each other now. I love cracking jokes with him and making fun of each other.

I don't know where we will be with this relationship next year but all I know is that I'm enjoying every moment of it and I am so crazyyyyy about him.

I'm off to snowboard in a few hours with the friendzies. Tomorrow I'm going to get my dress fitted and then Sunday is the baptism. Ahhhhhhh. I'm a little nervous. But I just need to really set my sights upon Him... and remember what my life is really about.

Dear cb diary,

I can't f**king take this. My head is pounding at me like a rock right this moment. It's been hurting for the past 3 hours. It's midnight- easter. I should be alseep right now. But I can't sleep, because of my f**king head. It's not just a regular pain. It's in the back of my head, the front, top, bottom, you name it. I can't cry, yawm, sneeze, grunt, or do anything that messes up my breathing. Why? Because it only makes my head hurt even worse. The minute I stand up I get all dizzy and fall down again. My stomach is starting to hurt from all of the pain stress and sh*t. I haven't felt like this in a really, really long time. I tryed advil, putting a cold washcloth on my head, everything.
And to think, mom still continues to smoke in front of me, even when my f**king head hurts so f**king bad. She is such an idiot. I hate visiting her. I've told her a million times: the smoke gives me a headache.
I just want to take her box of ciggarettes and throw it at her.
But she doesn't care.
And my head still hurts. Along with my stomach.

- Cassie

dear cb diary,
i have no courage. haha. jose's right, i have no self confidence.

it's not like anything would've happened, anyway. i just wish i could've gotten the guts to get to know him better. blarr..

i want to go to kroger.

dear cB,
as i find my world slowly rising to the peek of happiness, i slip and decline quickly to where it all started. i am not happy. i want it to be fixed....but how? this is a question longing to be answered...i wish i was content.

dear cb diary,
so i came home early today because of this huge headache. how terrible.

why'd my dad have to tell me this morning? why couldn't he just tell me afterschool? at least i wouldn't have had to go through the day pretending like nothing was wrong and i was just tired. god. i really hope she's okay. i feel horrid. i'm the worst granddaughter in the world...

Dear Cb,

Today begins a new chapter of our lives. I know everything will be alright.....

Dear cB,

The recurring theme of my life lately is that I just can't seem to do anything right. No matter what I do or try to do, there's always something I've done or said that's either wrong, stupid, unfeeling, lazy, etc. I just find myself wondering why I even try anymore. I understand that criticism is good, but I feel like I'm perpetually being either corrected or put in my place. One person can't always be in constant error. I just wish people would be a little patient, perhaps try to see where I'm coming from. I know that I shouldn't take everything personally, but some things you just can't help but take personally. I have a lot going on in my life right now. Losing my confidence is not something I can afford to lose right now and I feel it (my confidence) beginning to drain.

Dear Createblog Diary,
I am the most selfish person in the world.

GAH.

Also..
I'd like to learn Korean. And...I wish I weren't so hopeful.
And...a question..
Do dreams mean anything? :/