I have edited this a little bit, took some parts out because there are just some things im not read ty expose to the world about my life yet. This was written roughly 3 months ago.
No matter how loud i turn up my music i cant still hear your crying. The body shaking soul trembling sobs that rock your body. The wails and screams heard throughout the whole house. I try to drown it out but its echoing in my head. And this why i hate it here.
Im so tired of the fights. Werent yu two supposed to be divorced back before i was even born ? Why didnt you leave him when he started to abuse you. And you still havent left him. Its a bleak outlook on the life i dont ever want to lead.What is wrong with you. Dont you care. Everything you say when you get in fights is you havent left yet is bcos of " the children " . Like i could really give a shit. I think you two should seperate. You dont love eachother. Theres too much hate . So much that not even love could overcome it. I think you two would be miserable but truly happy without eachother. Im not sure you understand, i dont think you would. I wish i could forget it all. I wish i could start over. Id be real. i wouldnt be fake and act like everythings perfect. i wouldnt put up the facade that i was always alright and everything was okay. But if i showed what was real, id be an outcast. The girl with the wrecked homelife, low self-esteem and corrupted mind. Been thru so much in a short time, amazing im still alive. Amazing im still around. I guess thats why sometimes i seem so mature and highstrung and just bitchy. I get tired of the squealing kids and all their immature bullshit. Oh, my you have a pimple. Put some cream on it and stop whining. You gained two pounds? Your like 100 pounds now you say. Poor you. go throw up or something, starve yourself. Be emo and cut. its all a fad now, its a trend and a style.
Tired of everything. And i just wish everyone knew that i wasnt okay. Nobody knows, not even as you read this right now , you have no idea how my life is. You could never understand. Any of you, i kno who reads this. You have no clue what goes on. I just dont let anyone in. No one hears my voice tremble and shake as i cry. No one sees how red and puffy my eyes get. They dont see the eyeliner & [ now ] mascara run down and cover my bottom eyes and cheeks. You dont see my shoulders heave as i lean against my door so my brother cant get in trying to see if im okay.
You never thought i had it bad did you. Well dont even worry about me. Ive gotten through it all on my own since i was young. Very young, and now im older and stronger and i can make it on my own again.
I cant still hear the cries echoing .
October 14, 2005