I have all the friends i need, but not the ones i need , if you could understand that. Im never secure, never at home with myself. I have never felt stable sturdy ground beneath my feet. Always rocky and unpredictable. Gang life, for a moment gave me a sense of belonging, but i dont want that. Its not what i need. I always say, I dont really care if i have a boyfriend or not, that im perfectly fine on my own. Always the strong girl, with the tough exterior and the hard look on her face, that Bella. But tonight at the theatre during the performers, when i quieted down. I realized i was surrounded by couples. And i just all of a sudden felt a waaave of loneliness wash over me. It spread from my heart to everywhere, invading my head and taking over my thoughts. It just felt really bad.
Cos yes, i am over Larry. I have no more feelings for him at all. But i just dont like anyone else and i feel lonely. Lonely.
It sounds so .. Sad
L O N E L Y.
Doesnt it ?
I dont know. I find it sad that i need a boy to fill the empty places in my heart. The places in your heart meant for that certain boy. Its empty. Yepp. Empty. And i keep looking at boys trying to fill it but i cant. I just dont like anyone. I have to wait until someone comes along as always. I dont see how girls can like sooo many dudes at the same time. Im usally only a one boy person. Occasionally two, and i usually really struggle with my feelings when that happens and always, one prevails over the other of course.
I guess i just want that feeling. The one you get when you think about him. The smile that creeps on your face out of nowhere. The one you dont even notice is on until youve realized youve been gazing at nothing looking retarded with a bigass stupid smile on your face. The one where you can just help be happy thinking of him. Where his name just brightens your eyes. Talking to him makes you giddy. But mostly that warmth, that you get when you think about them. The fuzzy warm feeling. Like your special. And when the feelings are returned, the feeling of beauty you have.
Maybe thats just me.
I dont know.
September 30 2005