dear CB diary,

i'm doing so bad in math. i have a d+, and i don't get anything at all. well. sort of. also, today in french, we finally recieved the chocolate to sell! haha. i got 30 to sell, for the quebec/montreal trip.

my friend and i went door to door selling. we were out there for an hour and half, and we only sold FIVE. my mom felt sorry for us, so she bought 6. 3 from each.

i've been feeling so lonely lately. i feel like this christmas, i should <b>BE</b> with someone. i already have someone in mind, but i'm pretty sure that he doesn't like me back. blah.

this guy really likes me, and i feel really bad, because i only think of him as a friend. he's really nice and sweet and stuff, but i just don't want to like....be with him. he asked me out about 2 weeks ago. i said no, because yeah. i just wanted to stay friends. :/

OHMYGOSH. 2 more days, and WINTER BREAK STARTS. yayyyyyyyy. i really need it. school has been so stressful -_-

-lisa

nicole: thanks.

dear cb diary,
i'm losing it. i have been selfish, bitchy, and moody.
i feel terrible.

i've been acting like a huge baby. last night, i cried myself to sleep...in front of my mother. how pathetic.

i wish i had held that in. but i guess getting angry was the last straw. i want to take all of this responsibility off my shoulders.

i am so disappointed in myself. really...i am. i need to stop pitying myself.

dear cb diary,

i hate being sick. ugh.
and i wanna rant about stuff (more like people) buuut i don't know who reads this...but i'm a little annoyed by some people because they're being complete morons but meh. they'll get screwed in the end so whatever. lol.

dear cb diary

i made a new cb id today, but im still gonna use the old one as well... thats alowed right?
2 more days til winter break! :D

dear cB diary,

i'm putting too much into just seeing him.

even though i really really really wanna today.
i don't know.

Maia
xoxo

dear cb diary,

aaaahhhh i looovvveee hiiiimmmm. Today at lunch we all hung out in that hallway at the right side of the school alone. it was me, Cami, Taylor, Aaron, Jacob, that other kid, and Katlynn. We just talked, and Cami and I went picture crazy. We had fun. We took this one picture where we sat on a painting of this naked guy and stared at his, um. yeah.
So then Kitty came over. She was annoying the shit out of me. She was like "uhh. Hi jacob. Omg. Fine. DON'T SAY HI TO ME. Gosh. COME ON KATLYNN, LETS LEAVE"
So then her and Katlynn left, and Cami followed them. So then it was me+jacob and aaron+taylor. Haha, how cute. The two couples. We got so nervous but we just sort of sat down and talked, the four of us. Then me and Taylor started to play around and chase eachother. And, uh, yeah. It was a fun day.

dear cB diary,

ohhh that's a hot picture of him. DAMN.
shit i miss him so badly.

but omgosh that boy is sooo damn fiiiiine. i wanna marry him & have his beautiful kids.

Maia
xoxo

dear cb diary,

sigh. this week wasn't quite as good as i hoped. spirit week was okay. got sick and feel like shit. he's sick too and i know he said its nothing and i know its probably just him being tired/sick etc. but he's looked so upset all week and it makes me sad...i wanna make him happy. and he said its not that he's not happy but...i don't know. i wanna be able to cheer him up like he cheers me up...
i hope tomorrow turns out.

Juliaaaa: *BIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG HUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGG* Bigger than the biggest hug in the entire universe/galaxy.
Dani: *BIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG HUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGG* Bigger than the biggest hug in the entire universe/galaxy.

Dear cB diary,
Ugh. School has been sososososo stressful, with finals and everything. At least I got my US History one out of the way. I know the Algebra exam isn't until Tuesday, but I am freaking out about that particular exam. I really, really am. I'm screwed in Algebra.

Aaaand, I wanna do makeup for Deborah! :D I think it'd be so much fun, and she'd look so prettyful. She already has great features, she just doesn't know it. ;o Hehe.

-Radhika

dear cb diary
im kinda depressed today :(
1 more day til winter break!!

Dear CB Diary,
I'm so fking bitter; how could Cornell accept someone that smokes, drinks, does drugs, etc and is not that bright? Oh wait, she's a girl, so that makes sense.
Same goes for the MIT girl that's a minority. Those factors seem to outweigh her obviously low average.
Gah, why couldn't Columbia have accepted me? I am so bitter, seeing all these people I know get accepted. Especially if they're less than qualified...

Dear cB diary,
f**k. I am an emotional rollarcoaster.
I need to stop myself from crying today. It'll be the first time so far this week.
I wonder how I'm getting to winter formal after school.

Um. I think I'm becoming what I've always hated. A self-pitying bitch. wow....

Radhika: I love you. Thank you.

Dear CB DIARY,

I need another attempt at Christmas shopping. I already have in mind about what to get my brother and a couple of friends but I am having trouble finding something for my best friend. I need to get her something incredible, something to show that because of her I wouldn't be the smily girl you people see today because she's been there through it all with me especially with the troubles of this early year and that tough tough tough tough month in August. I need something that will show there that I really do love her and show just special her friendship means to me but what do I get for someone like that?!?!? Why the hell am I so incompetent in shopping for people?!? LOL. ("because you touch yourself at night" as Moe Moe always says).

******

It's strange seeing people of my past. Especially ones that I haven't talked to in years. It's strange how one "hi" can lead to a long long conversation and lead to a "smoking buddy" or a potential good friend. It's nice in a way to be able to meet new friends, especially ones that you think you wouldn't ever be friends with but in my own little twisted mind, it hurts because it brings back painful memories of someone I met in my past that returned a couple of times leading to something that I thought was going to last. It's always sad how one little thing that could potentially make a person be closer to happiness still remind them of something that will just make them sadder. Usually to me, whatever happiness you had in the past will stay there and it's hard to get them back.

"I stumbled out into the courtyard to try to fee my misery, but of course we can never flee our misery"
-A quote from "Memoirs of a Geisha

******

Other than all that emo bullshit ... I am sooooooo glad that my bio final is done and over with. I don't want to think about it anymore. I might have failed it but I'll face that doom when the day comes ... for now it's on to Chemistry and I know I have much more fun with chemistry because I'm better at it. I'm looking forward to the weekend and to Monday because after my chemistry final I can relax, play some video games and celebrate a birthday of a friend.

******

I think the book I'm reading after Memoirs of a Geisha is "Da Vinci Code". I'm almost done with "Memoirs of a Geisha". I've just been reading it on and off because of finals. I barely have any time to do any extra reading but I am ALMOST done. I think I only have a few chapters left and I'm curious as to how it ends. But yeah ... DaVinci Code. I just saw the trailer for it and it looks wicked. I guess I just want to know about this whole conspiracy thing even though I'm not really sure what it is about ... all I know is that it is something to do with religion. Even though I am somewhat agnostic and all, I still have an open mind to religion since I am still exposed to my so-called "Catholic" background just because it is affiliated with my family. My mom actually read the book and she said it was really really good so yeah ... that's my next choice.

I love him, i love him! He's the love of my life...but
there's a but, i don't know what it is...

dear cB diary,

ohhhhh it's the weekend bitches! (for me anyway) and
lalalalalalaimissyouuuuulalalalalalala

nuthin else to say except MERRY XMAS yall.

Maia
xoxo

DREW'S FLYING IN TOMORROW!!!!!!!!


I get to hold him and touch him and kiss him and hold his haaaaaaand in front of everybody and I get to squeeze him and play with his hair and go to sleep with him holding me and...

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I'm so excited, but I'm so nervous.


Shit. What am I going to wear?! $#JKIG)O)#$$%*$EWR(IJOK%$)O

dear cb diary,

fun day. last day of school.
he gave me chocolates. i feel bad for not getting him anything. but i swore i was over the break. swear
we hug for long time after school. LONG TIME.
we almost kiss but get shy.
me and taylor go to winter concert at school. courtney sing veryveryveryvery good solo in front of many people.
me go to mommy house tommorow.

byebye.
- cassie

Dear cB Diary,

this is the only day of my winter break that I get to sit around and do nothing. I love days like this. I just finished wrapping all the gifts and I need to finish writing cards... 15 more to go! Ahhhhh. My hand hurts.

I miss my boyfriend. I miss his big bear hugs. 3 more weeks. That is a mother truckin long time. At least I'm going to be super busy this break so it'll go by quicker. Tomorrow night is Keiko's Christmas party.. it should be interesting socializing with adults and old people! Hahaha.. me and --- get ourselves into very interesting things.. but I love it. I've seen so much this year. Monday night is ---'s party and then Tuesday probably some shopping with ---. Wednesday through Saturday is straight work.. but much needed because I NEED MONEY! Saturday night I gotta go to a church function.. but I really want to meet up with --- and hang out with him! I miss hanging out with him. Next Monday is the Canucks game with --- which I am So very excited abouttt! And Tuesday to Saturday is Winter Conference. Still don't know what's up for New Year's Eve yet.. but I don't really feel like getting smashed. After that is pretty much school time again..

quick break.. not really a break, even. My life is so hectic right now.. so many things to do.. and yet I'm so lazy. I gotta start working harder and get into University. Make some time during my break to do my homework..

Ahhhhhhhh. Main thing is I just wish my boyfriend was here so I could talk to him on the phone all night and have him hug me from behind while looking at the stars... but knowing that's not possible, I think I should just live my life and enjoy my break.. email and talk to him on the phone a few times, maybe send him stuff if I find out his address.. but yeah, that's basically it. I hope he misses me as much as he said he would.

That is all.

dear cB diary,

adsgkjaldgkj how am i going to explain this? please mommy, daddy, everyone, please just understand. ok? please please please that's all i want.
thank you so much.


i miss himmmmmmmmm & i wanna be his girl. damnnnn it's like he always in my head. wth i need to get over him. there's like 124983597 ppl out there and it's still him.

Maia
xoxo

Dear cB Diary,
It irks me when posers go around blasting their radios to the fullest volume possible.
:X It's stupid, really.
-
I can't wait until Christmas.
I can't wait until tomorrow is over.

dear cB diary,

he is so prettyyyy. haha that doesn't make sense but still. i wanna love him so so so so so so much.

ugh i haven't seen him in a long longgg time & it's f**king me up.

Maia
xoxo

dear cb diary

i bought this self mixing mug or something for my dad and i really dont think he will like it ... so im gonna go refund it today. with my mom. -_-

Dear CB Diary,

My winter break so far has been fantastic! Friday was a blast, even in school, although I failed my Bio test, literally. But then again, it was the hardest test everyone said they'd ever taken, so I didn't waste time over it =] On the bright side, I think I did pretty well on the history final..our teacher was really nice about it surprisingly. Then we had no Theory of Knowledge class thank goodness, so I was able to go home. I tried to sleep, but that didn't work.

Christina came over and I got ready and we went to the winter party. What fun! I really was not looking forward to it all, but I had one of the best times. Friends are wonderful. I loved watching the gingerbread house making, baking cookies, and running around for ingredients. I loved opening presents for Dirty Santa, I laughed soo much! Secret Santa was fun, too, except for one part which made the night a little sour. I hate when I tell people things and they don't believe me..I wanted to say, told you so!, so many times, but that would've made me look bad =P

Saturday was an also fun time! Jamie's surprise party was then and I loved it. We all got to hang out again and talk and watch movies and sports. Funn stuff, except for some people thought someone and I were dating or something. Um, no! Lol. I had a great time laughing and talking.

Sunday was fun too, even though I didn't do much. Some family friends came over and I got to open more presents! I got a new journal which looks soo pretty! I'm looking forward to starting a new one :) And the Avalanche won!

Today has been pretty okay too..got to spend time with the family a bit. And I got a little haircut, which I adore. I loved the way the stylist styled it at the end..it was nice and wavy/curly..I could never do that in a million years! lol, too bad I took a shower tonight. Anyways, tomorrow should be fun as well!

I love breaks! I love sleep!

--Teesa

Dear CB Diary,

Memories. Change.
I really don't know why I keep thinking about my past, and thinking about how I should change myself, be less boring. What am I so afraid of? It seems like I have so many fears, but really, all the emotional fears all end up and come from one fear... and I just can't locate it.
I'm not depressed right now. I'm just in a pensive, thoughtful mood. I just think I'm not doing enough. I want to change myself. I want to work harder. But no. The most important thing I need is determination. I just shake my head at myself in the mirror. Try harder. Just try. And it has to work. The more you try... I mean, it's not like the saying, "You can be anything you want to be =D" or "Anything you dream of will come true!" No... That's not it at all. What I need isn't soem stupid quote from Disney World. Hah. What I need is...

Well, myself.

Today was good times. Got to sleep in til 11:30 until my manager gave me a call to ask if I could work tonight. I turned her down really rudely and then realized how much of a b*tch I was benig and apologized. Haha... then I woke up and started making food that I was gonna bring tonight.. took a long while and it wasn't too successful but It's all good. Went to ---'s at about 6, arriving with ---. The girls arrived first and then the guys came by with a cake because some of them just got off work. We ate a loooooot and then me and --- went down to Choices to get eggnog.. opened our secret santa presents, watched the hockey game, then watched a movie. I love my friends.

I kind of wish my boyfriend would call me, though.

dear cB diary,

ugh i don't wanna go back so bad. seriously, i don't think anyone knows.
but whatever. it will only be for like 3 weeks. so it'll be ok.


f**k. i hate being sick over vacation.

i miss himmmmmmm & he is so special to me. i finally realized it's just that and not something i can forget.

Maia
xoxo

dear cb diary,

today was wonderful. i absolutely loved his gift. sigh. and he was worried...psh. lol. but yeah i just love spending time with him and everything...naughty or not, lol! naughty is fun too though. but wow...just...ilovehimsomuch. and wow lotsa emoticons. haha but yeah....twas a lovely day. tomorrow's xmas party should be good too.

dear cb diary,

i finally finished a layout! gosh, it makes me forever to make even one... to be specific, program one. so, most of today, i sat on my butt

dear cB diary,
i'm going to san jose, ca in THREE DAYS. how freaking awesome is THAT? shit, yo i need to do some meetups or something.

Dear Createblog Diary,

Yesterday I was talking to an old friend that I ran into at Walgreens on Monday. It made me miss my old friends even more than I have already missed them. The whole time we were laughing talking about " Omg remember this?! Hahaha. I can't belive we did that. Remember in first,second,fifth grade?" She told me how everybody was doing and what everyone looked like now. She told me how people have asked about me because after 5th grade, nobody knew anything about me. See, my best friend moved away tooo so they basically had nowhere to contact me except by ubaldo but it's a different story with him.

Just like how Cailtin and Marissa responded to the question " If you had the chance to move back would you?" Yes. I would give anytttttttttttttthing to go to Freemont High as bad as the school may be. As bad as the reputation is. I want my friends back. I want to see them. I miss them so much. It's not that I dislike the friends I have in Alameda or anything. It's just the fact that its not the same. I don't feel like I FIT in. Okay, so I know I may have a lot of friends or whatever you want to say but they're not..they're just not the same. They all know each other since like pre school. I'm around people who are frequently saying " omg remember five, six years ago? It might not seem like a big deal but it is to me after a while. They are all sooooo different. Different for so many reason I don't even know how to begin. They all don't understand me.

Okay, so I suppose that I can get a better education at Alameda High but honestly, its the same thing. The schools isn't making me any f**king smarter. I'm not smart. I'm just not. I just feel even stupider around all these people who are. Seriously. I want to go back, I really do. Unfortunately there's just nothing I can do about it. It just makes me want to cry.

Christmas is coming up in a couple of days. Wow. What a great holiday, right? No. Every christmas is just a whole lot of problems. It's just a reminder of how I once used to have allll my family and now I don't. Now, we don't even know where the f**k to spend Christmas. Why? Because everybody is in the f**king stupidest and immature fights. The worst part is that the adults have never realized ( and if they have realized, they basically don't give a shit) that they are only putting the kids in the middle and hurting them. My mom isn't even talking to my sister AGAIN. I hate this. My dad's sister was probably the biggest bitch to my mom and my mom isn't talkingt o her. (I'm compltely on my mom's side on this one though. I undertsand. I mean, if somebody is talking so much false shit about you, why would you want to talk to them, go to their house?)

Man,I don't care about the gifts. I just want family unity. But like my mom said, I should get used to the fact that our family has never been united, we've had problems for the most part. Pft.

dear cB diary..
he lied..the lie seemed so believable..i dont know for how long hes been lying..he said for a week, but i dont believe that..i dont believe him anymore..everything was probably based on lies..he says no, but i dont believe it..i should have listened to ppls advice..i should have listened and moved on..i was so stupid and ignorant..this is what i get..i thought he was the one..but i guess hes not..nothing else to write..cant get my mind off of this....that is not good..
--Nancy--

Ohmygosh lorena, I know excactly how you feel with the school thing. I started at a new school thi syear and I feel the same way. Everyone here knows eachother and I'm pretty much that new kid that never gets anything. They're always like 'OMG remember in 6th grade when ffegfep" and 'agh I've known him since second grade". So yeah. But feel better honey, I hope you do .

Dear cb diary,

I am so glad I'm not sick anymore. I mean .. you have no clue how sucky it was. I had this really bad virus and a high fever and i was always sleeping and I felt horrible. i wanted to call dad so bad, i just wanted to go back to his house. Mom does nothing with me. She sits there and crys and complains like a kid and pressures me into staying at her house for about a month, and when we do, she ignores us. She does nothing with us. She doesn't kiss us goodbye when she goes to work. She never tucks us in to bed. She never comes home and yells "IM HOME KIDS!" like dad does. She just walks in the house and throws her shoes off and says "damnit im tired, my feet hurt". I wish we could go back to california. When dad gets home he always walks in the house with a big smile on and hugs me. He always says goodbye to me before he goes to work. When dad took me to the doctor a few months ago I remember we sat there and talked the whole time. We made fun of the kid books and played on his pocket pc. When mom took me there yesterday she just sat there with her book and read. And when we didn't get called up to the doctors office she complained to them. She is such an impatient person, my lord. And i can't wait to see how christmas is going to be with her. I remember last year she didn't even stay with us to open our presents. She literally gave us our gifts and ran upstairs to her computer. When we're with dad he takes pictures of us and watches us open our gifts and hug him when we get something we wanted.
And we also have to spend new years with her.
I wanted to spend christmas in California, but no, mom called me after thanksgiving and said "it's not fair, I only get to see you 8 out of 52 weeks of the year, cassandra rene, why cant you come to my house for christmas? why? you like your daddy better, huh?"
DAMN RIGHT I DO, WOMAN.

oh, and happy 4,000th post to me.
- cassie

Dear CB Diary,
Stephen and I are fighting again. This time, it's a really big one, and one that might lead to us breaking up. I reallly don't want us to, because of the holiday season, and because I just love him so much. I don't know what the f*ck is my problem, why I keep bringing up the same fking problems, why I don't seem to understand. And because of my idiocy, Stephen and I might break up. He said that he's not going to talk to me all of this week, and I really can't bear to have that happen. If only there was something I can do to make it up to him.

deat cb diary,

i actually woke up early today... well, early for me. usually i dont wake up until 11 but today i woke up at 9! ... with the help of the alarm clock. i had to catch my mom before she left (which is like, before 11 =P) and get lil bro's bday present which i totally forgot about and its tomorrow! but i finally bought it n wrapped it and everything.... along with my xmas gifts... im all set ><!
while shopping for the gift though at best buy, i saw ipod nano except it was all out :( . i didnt know 1 inch was THAT small... my mom tried to make me get a toshiba n i was like NO. it may be cheaper but it is huge and ugly and looks like its from 1998 or something :P

Dear Cb,
Today was a weird but exciting day i guess. i had fiNals and i failed my math final. Bummer! but i got outta school early at 12:25, went to McDondalds, then to my friends house. it was pretty fUn. then went to gay a** basketball practice, soooo borIng, and now im HOMe, where i can relax and think about tha upcoMing hoLidays.

dear cb diary,
it kind of feels like everything is falling apart.
it kind of sucks.

i guess i'll just sit here and listen to my somewhat emo music...and feel sorry for myself at the same time. amazing. i'm such a good multitasker.

how bitchy of me.

Wait for me
I’m so afraid
But you always seem so secure
And oh so sure
I’m so sorry
But everything I keep close to me runs away
It’s such a shame

julia: talk to me, dear. something's been going on and you're not telling me. =[ please do.

dear cB diary,
SAN JOSE. TOMORROW. SDHDFAOWEFHAEWO HF WEH I CAN'T WAIIIT! :DDDDDD

^
they're not worth mentioning. :] but thanks.

dear cb diary,
i've turned into a bitch who feels sorry for herself all the time. damn. >_>

i hope christen is okay. she's in the hospital. god...

i don't know what to do anymore.

dear cB diary,

i feel so f**ked up after i say shit like that about him. i need to STOP. but it's like... i can't NOT talk about him. i really need to learn to be a nicer person.
what's wrong with me?

and i really don't want my parents friends to come over for dinner tonight...

Maia
xoxo

dear cb

its his bday! cake is good!! :)

seng-il chook-ha hamnida! seng-il chook-ha hamnida! sarang hanen neh dongseng ah! seng-il chookha hamnida~~

dear cB diary,

that was a good xmas.

even though i couldn't be with him... yeaaa well there's always next year. and i am NOT going back, so i just have to break the news somehow.

Maia
xoxo

Dear cB Diary,

Just as I expected. This Christmas was the worst. I'm fcking home alone while everyone else is out partying or whatever. I want to get out of this hellhole. Really.

She's treating me like dirt now. I don't think we're close anymore. She's putting people before me. I thought I was always first. But not anymore. She fcking ignores me when I talk to her. She doesn't even know that I feel like this about her because she's too fcking busy with her "new friends". I thought our relationship was going to last. Maybe it won't. -shrug-

- Kelly

dear cb diary,

i got $225 for xmas! i was going to use the money from that to buy an ipod but now that i hav it i dont want to spend it. i mean, all that money gone at once. thats too painful! to save or to not save.... hmmmm. it was very disappointing yesterday cuz... christmas isnt as exciting as it used to be and i SO miss that! i mean, we used to wake up at 5 in the morning for it! starting from last yr (9 am) excitement wears off. i woke up at 10 -_-....

its their bday today! happy birthday B______ and M______!! 14 and 15!! woo! ;)

dear cb diary,

well today was good i suppose. went shopping for boxing day sales and he met up with me at the mall before we headed to the movies. it felt so good to see him since i had missed him so very much but...i don't know. i felt so ... bleh the entire time it kind of sucked. the movie was good, but it put me into a sad frame of mind i think ... i just felt so...down and such after and i really didn't want him to go. i've become so, so attached to him...i love him, i really, truly do. i would do anything for him. its just...i get so insecure. i know i shouldn't but i can't help it. i'm just so scared of losing him because i've done something wrong or something. like...that one time when he actually made me cry...i couldn't believe he did that, and neither could he, but it somehow ended up with me apologizing in the end oddly enough. i don't know how it happened, and i know that wasn't his goal at all...its just odd. i really would do anything in the world for him...i just don't know if he knows that or feels quite the same way...he says he loves me so much and i really do believe him i just...i don't know. sometimes i don't feel it, but then i feel like i'm expecting too much or he proves me wrong in the next moment and i feel so horrible and guilty. i really don't like it. he makes me so happy but at the same time...in an indirect way, i cry because of him so much...i think there's something wrong with me...

dear createblog diary,

I don't know. I've become less and less active on this place.
Christmas was fun. I got that printer for my camera and the camera. It was mom and dad's idea to do the whole thing. But they got me alot. Gah. Like a few giftcards, movies, clothes, this hoodie I loved, bath stuff (like bathg salts and stuff...), 200 pictures for the printer (this glossy paper stuff), and um... stuff..
the relatives all sent me money. like.. all of them. oh oh oh except grandma. she got me this cd. which reminds me, mom also for me an mp3 player. and a cd for that. oh man I'm forgetting all this stuff.
So she said next weekend we could go to the mall and spend all the money I got. I got alot. and um... yeah
oh I'm also babysitting nick every day and getting paid for it. woohoo!
blah. um.

OOOOH YES AND JACOB CALLED ME YESTERDAY. mhm ^_^.
- cassie

dear diary,
i am in love.
complete and total love.
i can't help myself.
he is everything and more.
why does it have to be this hard?
why does college have to come soo soon?
please let us be happy until then!
even after then!
i can't let go of him yet.
i don't know if i ever will.

(sigh)

i still feel 14, my mom still controls everything, and i think about suicide all the time. i hate myself. i would like to kill a person, but creativly.

Dear cB Diary,
Wow. Why am I like this? I don't ever know anything. I can't even decipher my own feelings. I don't know what the hell I feel or how to act or anything anymore. I think I'm happy but then next thing you know I'm crying over something stupid. Why? I hadn't cried over him in a while and then what do you know, last week I was crying hard because of him. I'm supposed to be over him. It's been three months. Then there's him. Why aren't I into him more or why isn't he making me get over him? He's so confusing; does he like me or does he not like me? Which will it be today? Blah. I hate me. I'm so stressed out and nothing is going well no matter how strong I try to be or how much I pretend. I hate complaining but here goes. I'm disappointed that I didn't get anything really for Christmas. I know, I know that Christmas is not about presents but that's not exactly why I'm disappointed. I'm angry that we're having money problems. I'm angry that other people go out and spend as much as they want and how people tell me all the seemingly fabulous things they got while my family couldn't afford to get me anything. I'm really sick of school. I don't want to go back. I can't finish it. I want to drop out or something. Look at how badly I'm doing. How the hell am I supposed to raise all my grades in the matter of days when no one is helping me? Not one person is reaching out a hand. Even when I clearly asked for help. I can't do things like this all by myself. I'm so frustrated with boys. All of them. Why is Justin acting like this and playing games? Or at least that's the way it seems. Yeah, obviously we're flirting but is that all it is? It can't be. I'm probably reading way too into things but any normal girl would and I just don't get it. It doesn't make it easier that things with Phillip and I freaking suck. That basically every time we talk we end up fighting. And over God knows what. I miss him. I can't deny that I miss not only having a boyfriend but that I miss him. How pathetic am I? Driving past Golden and I cry. How pathetic am I that while singing a song I start to bawl? How pathetic am I that while watching Friends I cry over him? I'm freaking sick of it. It didn't help that today was supposed to be our six months. Why am I still counting? Boys. Ugh. Friends, wow. Another subject. I'm sick of basically every single one of them except for perhaps a handful. A select handful. And while some might think they are in this select handful, they aren't. That's the sad thing. I'm getting so annoyed and sick of some of my closest friends. What is my problem?

I hate when I feel like things are looking up and then I find out I'm so terribly wrong.
-Me.

Dear cB Diary,

It's weird, because everytime I feel like our relationship is on the rocks and I go out with a guy friend to wonder what it would be like if I was dating him instead... then I get all disgusted with myself and the guy and am able to find a new appreciation for dating my boyfriend.

Lol. I feel a little guilty for even doing that. But he knows that I love him. Seriously.. wow. I know that whatever I discover about him in the future, I will continue to love him.. just the way he is. I know we both have doubts.. but I think we both also know that we both have doubts... and that really helps.

I miss him. I'm looking forward to recieving his letter, even though I won't be able to read it until I get back from Kelowna. I can't wait to be in his arms again... I love the cute little things he does. Ahhhhhhh.. I love hearing his voice on the other line.. I love driving in his car with our hands together.. I love the end of the night walks on the beach followed by the kisses by his car. Why does it all have to be so perfect seeming?

Other than not being able to spend time with him, this break has been pretty good. Very relaxing, no partying and getting drunk involved. Last weekend, watched King Kong and shopped with --- to start off break. Had a calm, quiet weekend, didn't end up going to ---'s party. Monday was just awesome, good times with old friends at a Christmas get together. Tuesday went shopping with ---... which was okay, haha. I worked from Wednesday-Saturday so got to make around $300, so that's pretty nice. Thursday night was a family gathering. I went to have Korean bbq with --- Friday night and we just hung out for a while. It was cool getting to know him. Saturday finally got to see ---. Me, him and --- went to have dinner and saw a movie, which was cool. On Christmas we went over to grandparents house to spend time with them. It was really awesome talking to them and having grandpa join us at dinner. I love them.

Today --- came over and hung out for a bit, then we went downtown and I got "He's Just Not That Into You", finally. Hahaha.. I was so drawn to that book for some reason. Hope It's good! Then we went to eat dinner at Milestone's, which was quite yummy. Afterwards we went to the hockey game which we lost.. I was falling asleep the whole day.. don't know why! Probably due to my lack of sleep over the past week.. lol.

I feel like I've been a way more responsible person without --- making me want to stay out so late, hahaha. My parents haven't been getting pissed off with my coming home times! Which is awesome.. Trev called twice, and I'm pretty content with that seeing as I wasn't at home most of the time anyway. My parents said that when he comes back we should invite him over to dinner. And when I told him what I was doing today my dad asked if Trev would be jealous. Hahaha.. my parents.. hilarious, hilarious.

Anyway, I should really pack now.. gotta wake up early tomorrow and get going to Kelowna. Excited for this, hope It'll be a good time.

- Jen

dear diary

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T BE PREGNANT!!! Please Lord, don't let me get pregnant! I ran out of my pills that day and there was no condom! He pulled out in time I swear he did. But really, I don't think I would be able to handle it...

so pleaaaase, let me be child free!!