You guys know the drillll. Wheee. Okay GO.


______,
Get away from me please.

______,
Don't act like you f**king know me because you don't at ALL. You know nothing. I don't really even consider you my CLOSE friend. You're just there. Oh god. You're a hypocrite boy obessed stupid girl.

Can it be like it was before?
Maybe in May?

I had a lot of fun with you today, thanks for dragging me to see Chicken Little, it was really cool, especially in 3D. Hah, we do need to spend some more quality time together.

Poo, I wish I could have seen you today, but I guess it's alright that I didn't. Too bad we can't see each other anytime this week either. Love you <3.

Dear You,
Woah. Last night was weird. To me. You were mad like crazy and then fine. Then all loving then not. Then we're laughing (or at least pretending) and you bust out that drama. What the heck? You're confusing. Get your shit together please. I don't have time to waste. I'm not saying I'm wasting time on you because really, I'll wait for you it's just that I don't want to have to go through this childish drama and game playing unless I absolutely have to. And we don't have to. Let's be mature this once, yeah? Anyway I still miss you, a lot. I hope we talk again tonight. You make me happy even when you're making me sad/mad. I know that it doesn't make sense but it does to me...
-Me.

_____: i like that we're talking again, cause lately i've been feeling guilty about not even saying hi to you during lunch. though i can tell that we're doing a lot of fake laughing...smiling...i dont' know. does that even make sense? eh, whatever.
________: yeah, i'm definitely drifting away from you guys. yeah. i'm sorry :[ i've just been so overwhelmed with homework...i haven't really found time for some real talking/laughing with my friends yet.
______: sorry i havent' been talking to you. though you've got to understand i haven't had the time to really talk to anyone lately. ehh...

to you
i don't know what you do to me. only you can make me nervous about saying stuff like that...and i do. i'm just so afraid of losing you...i hate to sound so dependent and all but to be completely honest, i can't even fathom what life would be like without you right now...or if we were to end anywhere in the near-ish future...i don't even want to think about it all. i'm so scared to lose what we have/had in the past. i honestly don't know what i would do...i can see this lasting and you told me you can too. i really do hope it does. ilu.

to you
why are you being so immature? you're smarter than this, stop acting like we're back in grade 8 or something, honestly. get over yourself.

to you
you are so damn cocky its annoying. you're not that great so get over it already. you're so dumb sometimes too...i wish you would just learn.

to you
you piss me off. you're so immature and you never know when to shut up or just stop. you're going to get yourself in so much shit because of your loose mouth one day.

D - I'm sorry there wasn't anything to do today, it seems like we're always bored. I'll try to make something work, I promise.

P - Aha! It was all a joke. Like why would I go out with you? Maybe... Highly doubt it. I'm happy.

This is how I feel about you:

My faith has allowed me to trust and believe that you aren't going to hurt me this time. Something in me tells me to trust it completely. This is the same gut feeling that has never failed me, so I will trust it. I love you. I'm scared, and I feel like I'm going against my morals. It's never occurred to me that it would be possible to fall in love in such a short time... and yet I have. I've always looked down upon people who tell their boyfriends or girlfriends that they love them at the beginning of a relationship. Yet, after all we've been through... and how we are now, I can truly say that I love you. From the beginning, it's always been about wanting the best for you and wanting you to be happy. Yearning to know you for who you really are and love you for it. To be honest, I don't know if that was because of you as an individual, or the fact that you just came by at the right time and something about you attracted me to you. Even after getting to know you and realizing that you weren't who I thought you were, I cared about you more than I knew. The harsh, stupid things that you have done... I have pardoned. The tears you've made me cry... I have chosen to forget. I've wiped out all the anger and given you a clean slate. All the bad things that happened in the past... gone. Except the feelings for you that have grown throughout the ordeal have stayed. And I don't know why that is. I don't know why I am so forgiving towards you, when I am such a hostile person otherwise. I am quick to be offended and will usually hold grudges. With you... I can't hold grudges. Is it because I love you, or just because I'm weak? You tolerate my cold stares when I'm angry, you offer to rub my shoulders when I'm stressed, you make sure that I'm happy at all times and even when I'm not smiling, you ask me if something's wrong. You are always the first to notice my bad moods. You help me with my math homework and have such a great amount of patience that it amazes me. You know I don't like calling people, so you make it that you call me every night. You even asked me what time I would like you to call. You've taught me so much... in so many ways. And even though it's so early in the year, the fact that you'll probably be going away for University next year scares me. I'm already so attached... ugh... I don't want to think about us having to break up because of the distance and then us dating other people and all of this going to the past... who's going to be there to call me every night to talk for 2 hours? Send me text messages throughout the day, call me beautiful, wrap his arms around me from behind... who's actually going to bother to try to talk and work things out when I get pissy and annoyed? Who will give me incentive to do homework, tell me to follow my dreams, bring me roses for no reason, hold my hand while driving, play with my hair, nonstop bother me when I'm doing my homework and tell me I'm 'so hot' when I'm concentrating? Who's going to be a total dork and borrow 20 books at the library at a time, and stuff em all in his backpack because he refuses to let me carry any? Who will randomly relate us to a song that is playing in his car... "I'll be Jack and you can be Diane.. or you can be Jack if you want"..? Who will try to talk me out of breaking up with him.. and then send me a text message apologizing and telling me to let him know what I really want? Who will make me laugh so hard my sides split? Who will I love hugging around the waist, having his chin rest on my nose so that I can look up into his eyes? Who am I going to catch looking at me out of the corner of my eye when I'm going about my business, and who will I laugh at and ask why he's doing that? Who's going to tell me it's because I have such a hot side profile? Who will put his arms around me, close his eyes and tell me to lead him back to his car? Who will be the guy that tries to act cool, knows that I love him, and has serious talks with me about the most random things? Who will pick me up and throw me over his shoulder to go back to his car when I don't want to go home but he knows I need to? Who will say that we're going to go shopping for new jeans when I rip mine sneaking over a wire fence at 11pm? Who will admit to me that he loves books and watching plays? Who will tell me stories of his childhood and how he loved to stay at home playing with his Playmobil while his mom wanted him to go out and socialize? Who will be the most adorable guy I have ever met... and not even realize it? Who will listen to my side of the argument when we disagree, and respect (really respect) my opinion even though it's not his? Who will make me strive to be a more motivated, more caring, more kind, more responsible individual?

You're so sweet... so amazing.

...gosh, and you are not even close to leaving yet. It's pathetic. =p

I am actually disgusting myself... I have never in my life been this mushy, for lack of a better word. This is the first time I have ever given out my heart... and it's delicate. Please, I'm begging you... treat it well. I love you so much.

Wow. Im just like confused and distraught. I dont know what i want but yet i do. And i know i want it quick and now.

Its to frikkin bad hes so freakin shy. This would be so much easier if he wasnt.

Christina--
Is it who I think you're talking about?

To ____________ :
Hmm, what's going on with you? You need to treat her better..I like that you treat me better, seriously, you need to stop acting like that. I hope I can hitch a ride with you later this week.

-Teesa

:Hey you, talk! I KNOW you want to..hahah.

:Ugh, you were fine but when she came you just acted way different and just..different. Seriously stop, you are beginning to annoy me.

:Hi

I'm worried. Really. I've never been THIS worried before as far as I can remember. If I lose you, I have no idea what I'm going to do. If she kicks you out of the house, I may lose touch with you and I won't be able to tell my future children about how much of a great sister you are. I'm scared.

only you can make me so ridiculously nervous for practically no reason at all. only you can make me feel so deleriously happy and so pathetically sad. only you can bring out this mix of emotion. you drive me crazy... sigh. i'm so worried...probably over nothing but still...i want to make you as happy as i can...i just want you to be happy. really. thats why i do what i do. i'm so scared of making a mistake. i am so, so scared of doing something wrong or somehow making you fall out of love with me...i'm still amazed that i got so lucky that you even did when i fell for you. i think about you constantly... i have for the past...many months...more than i care to admit sometimes. there's just something about you that i discovered quite the while ago that makes you who you are ... and who you are is absolutely amazing. your sexy, handsome, smart, talented, caring, compassionate, trusting, funny, and so on and so forth...you're everything i've ever looked for and you mean so much to me. i had a dream we broke up awhile ago...i woke up crying because it scared me so much. i hate being so...oddly dependent and yet...i love being in love. i love knowing that you're there for me. i love making you happy. i love everything about you. perfections and imperfections alike. i can only hope you feel the same way...i want to tell you so much but...when it comes to us actually speaking and things like this come up...i clam up, afraid of what you will think. i've never been so happy yet scared in my life. i don't know. all i know for sure is that i love you and i am the luckiest girl in the world to have you return that love back to me. i hope it stays that way for awhile too...

//edit.
ugh. i feel ridiculous. i miss you so incredibly much and i only haven't talked to you for some amount of hours...i just feel bad because i want to make you happy because you certainly didn't seem like it earlier...and you usually don't disappear for this long... i hope things are alright... i get worried about you so easily and i hope i don't sound motherly, but i do...i hate seeing you upset in the slightest bit, especially when its my fault. i'm sorry for all the stupid things i've done...i realize after its done how stupid it was but by then its too late so all i can do is apologize...god i've been incredibly emotional these last few days but anyways...i miss you so much right now. its stupid. i'll see you tomorrow morning, but i'm going mad right now. i want you to check your email and see what i've done...i wonder if you'll like it or if it'll cheer you up in the slightest bit...i hope so. and i want to go to bed because i'm tired but you haven't come back on yet...i wonder where you are. i want to say goodnight...i want to hear you say goodnight to me...i suppose i'll email you...
you know whats weird too? i write so much on this site to you...and apparently you sometimes read stuff on here...i find that interesting. its weird, in a way, i want you to read it all so you can perhaps understand and know me a bit more but...at the same time i'm so scared for you to read this all because i'm so honest here and i'm so scared/anxious of what you would think...i hope it wouldn't change what you thought of me...in a bad way i mean. ugh. i hate my overanalyzing and paranoid way of thinking...especially when it comes to you. well...i should go soon so i suppose i'll email you...i wonder if you'll ever read this long-ass rant...
if you do ... please tell me. thats all i ask.

I love you baby i really do......cant wait to c u friday!!

i'll be here if you want to talk. even though you're thousands of miles away, remember, someone here thinks about you...all the time actually. it's hard to fathom. that someone whom i got to know really well for only half a year would stick out so much in my mind. i miss you so much. sometimes, i even feel like crying in school. especially yesterday, the first day of ib music where you really aren't here. not because you're sick or skipping class, but because you won't ever come back. it's like a part of me was ripped away. and when i think of all the things we'll never do again, or the things we didn't get to do. it makes me miss you so bad. so cheer up, i'm rooting for you.

___ __:
It's about time..

_____:
Ahh.

_x2:
Ahh.

___;

Some how I'm not buying it. But I'll trust you, my love.

Dear Teesa,
Yes. I need to talk to you more because I need to tell you things. We never get to talk or see each other or anything. It's sad.
-Me.

Dear You,
I don't know anymore, I don't know, I just don't know. Why don't I know? Haha, honestly, I think I DO know what I need to do but it's a matter of me wanting to do it or not. Sometimes it's a burden to be intelligent because I think about a lot of things that probably a normal person my age wouldn't. I've been shaped to think these things from the people I hang around and even from the classes I'm forced to take and it gets in the way sometimes. I end up confusing myself more trying to distinguish between thinking, knowing, believeing, wanting, needing, etc. This is what I THINK: You don't really like me anymore. Stop saying you do, you don't. You might care for me, sure, but you don't like me. You just feel guilty, bad, and you want to make up for it. This isn't going to make up for it but only make things worse. You are really immature. Too immature for a relationship or for anything else. You don't even have your shit together yet. You don't know about college or about anything, you're slacking. Yeah, I'm a slacker but when I need to, I get things done even if it is at the very last possible moment. I don't see you doing that. You want to go and eff around and have your fun. I'm up for that at some times but not all the time. You are smart, inside you are, but you don't care and you don't use it. You know you need to stop doing that, stop hanging out with them, but you don't care because you still want to do that, and you still want to hang out with them. This is what I KNOW: I know I miss you and love you. I know that I want to be there with you, for you. I know that I want to help you in any way possible. I want to help get your life on track. I know that I'd try harder this time. I know that I've grown through this although it's only been a short time. This is what I NEED: I need you to get your shit together. I need you to tell me the cold, hard, truth, even if you think it will hurt my feelings. This is what I WANT: I want you to still love me. I want to see you, talk to you more, get things good again. Some other wants are listed in what I know. Because I think I know my wants and needs. SEEEEE. This is where it gets confusing. It's all because of that damn Theory of Knowledge class. I think too deep. Everything either coincides or contradicts and I confuse myself and get myself into the type of mess I'm in now. I wish things could be easier. WE NEED TO TALK. We have to. In person. Where we can't hide behind the phone or the computer. Where we'll be able to see each other (for the first time in months) and be able to see each other's body language and everything. All of that is important in communication and that's exactly what we need: to be able to communicate. BLAH this whole thing is ridiculous. Seriously. It is. I'm growing quite sick of it all but I'm not ready or willing to give up on it, on me, on you, on 'us'.
-Me.

Dear You,
You're mean. I'm the only one not going on the damn field trip. You're so not responsible. Seriously man. It pisses me off.
-Me.

Last night, you thanked me for being so understanding. It's funny, because a month or so ago, I probably would have been mad at you. It's interesting how much a person can change in so little time. Of course I would be understanding, and it's ok, I don't blame you or anything. I know that there will be other, better moments for us to see each other, and those are the times that truly count. There's no sense in getting mad over something that cannot change. Last night, I read through some of our old convos (from a year ago, when we just started dating), and all of the things you said were so sweet and made me wonder what happened? But, people change, and after about a year, you definitely would not be the same person. I hope you become someone better though. Sometimes, it feels like we're drifting apart, but instead of getting mad, I accept it because I know that sometime later, we will still be together, and in love. You know that I love you so much, that you make me so happy, and that sometime in the future, we'll be in bed, with April and Landon playing downstairs, just reminiscing about the past. You really are my only one <3.

Dear ___;

I think you already know, but i want to break up with you, and i will as soon as i see you again. Im sorry, i just didnt knew where i got myself into, i was never in love with you. Please.. just an advice; never fart/throw up/ etc when your girl is around. And, does your life suck that bad or something? you cant live without pot or alcohol.. im sorry your just not my type. Im scared though, that you wont be able to act nice towards me, i hope we can be friends =)


Dear ___;

Wow. You are so.... great. Your the best person i met in a while, to be honest. It just clicks.. =) I hope i can find out more about you :D

I don't care anymore.

K-
The only reason I say I'm mad at you because it's so effing cute when you say, "Come on, I'm sorry, Can I have a kiss?" and all that other stuff. Just the way you try to hug me when I pull away makes me happy. Thanks for not letting me REALLY be mad at you. You know I never am.

T-
You honestly didn't have to stay up 'till 4 in the morning for me. I know you know I wouldn't be up then. But it still makes me extremely happy to know you care.

Dear You,
You need to read this: The only guy that deserves you is the one that thinks he doesn’t. I agree. You're that guy.
-Me.

To Christina:
Thanks for telling me what was going on today. Goodness, it is sad that the only time we talk lately is..never! I mean, we had to have a conversation in the car. How sad is that? Oh, congratulations on getting a job!! I am so proud of you!! I feel weird now that everyone suddenly got jobs and I just quit..lol. Oh, english was fun today, no? Haha, Mr. Ady is so much fun! And trust me, you're not the only one that's not going on the field trip.

-Teesa

I'm sorry for bothering you guys with rides to everywhere, but my damn father is too lazy to get off his ass and f**king drive me anywhere. Always giving me the DUMBEST, stupid answers. Always saying shit and annoys the hell out of me. My sister does the same.. too lazy. I'm sorry. If my family weren't so lazy to do anything for their daughter/sister/whatever, then I wouldn't bother you and miss out on a lot. Thanks for being there.

sk- why the heck do we have the same preference of guys??? haha, it's crazy. i wish there was something i could do to help you with either of the "him"s. i wish we were sisters.
ily <3.

ab- i wish you would get the hint...i do like you...a lot...and it's fun being around you. but i'm getting mixed signals...idk, maybe this is just me being stupid though. i wish that we have more classes together...and that we were less indecisive....because i would love to "do something sometime". mhmm my talented friend <3

kp- ahh, i feel so helpless....i would do anything to help you...you know that...but i'm such a terrible friend...i don't know how to help you...i still think that you should move in with me. lol. ily2 <3

____,
yesterday during 3rd block was absolute bliss...when you put your arms around my waist...i felt my heart racing and it felt as if it were doing to jump out of my chest...when your hand remained where it was...it felt nice to lean on you...like you were actually there for me...like you actually cared for and about me...you just dont know how much that meant to me...and when you wrapped your arms around me...i felt as if i was protected...it felt nice to just hold your hands....the feelings that were rushing through me...they were just amazing..and i dont know why....when i put my head on your shoulder...it felt..so nice...it felt like i belonged there...if i could freez time...i would have done so right then...i would have been nice...when you and i hugged....it felt nice to just stand there with your arms around me and my arms around you---with my head on your shoulder....it was honestly utter bliss! it really felt so right to be in your arms...i would hope you would give me that chance to be in your arms once more...if i had one wish i would wish that i would be able to be held in your arms and never let go...

_____,
Oh god how I want to slap you.

_____,
Stop trying to act all hard and shit because you're not " Ohhh I'll scrape her/him shieett they don't know me "Bulllllshit, no. Oh god.

Stop bringing up God every five minutes. And "classless"?? Please, you're the ones without the class if you make fun of people standing in front of a garbage truck. There's a reason everyone hates you. I hope you get kicked off next week.

Why are you so shyyyyy. Stoooppp.

It really sucks when i have to try harder than i usually do to talk to guys, since youre one of the most shyest people i have come across. Most people warm up to me within minutes because of my retarded demeanor but your so effin hard to crack

I have been completely blinded by you, and I don't like it one bit. I'm sick of getting used to recieving your calls and text messages and feeling lonely on a day when I don't get them. I can't help it... and I know that this is not the foundation of a healthy relationship. I don't want to be dependant, I'm not that kind of person. It scares me to think that I have seemingly abandoned who I am because of the fact that I have fallen in love with you. There are times when I step back and question myself... asking, "why am I doing this? What will this lead to, anyway?" And I know that though you show more affection, my love towards you will always be greater... simply for the fact that this is the first relationship I have taken seriously. Then I ask why I don't just stop and go to another guy who doesn't have the ability to hurt me so much. And I realize that I don't want another guy. You read me so well... I love spending time with you, talking to you, cuddling with you... and this is causing tons of insecurity on my part and leading to me thinking that I am weak, that I am pathetic for always thinking about you all the frickin time.

I'm trying really hard to take it easy. I can't control what you do... so I'll just leave it to the One above... and live my own life.

i miss you so damn much. come back :(

Dear friends;

Please come back from London/Paris/Berlin. I miss you here in the cold Holland. I need you guys, there has been a lot going on.. and i cant tell it to anyone.. im counting the days!!! Hope you guys have a great time though :)

Dear ___;

Holy crap.. You make my heart beat like crazy. i saw you 2 times, but those conversations on MSN promise a lot. although i dont think your serious.. which i hate, because i am. If only you knew how i felt...

Please, please don't commit suicide. And don't run away. You just don't ever realize how good you have it. You're the most SELFISH, SELF-CENTERED ass I've ever met... and that thing I never told you?


It was "I love you more than anyone."

: if you go home, nobody will be able to protect you. you need your family- let people take care of you. stay with us, please? if you go back home, you might fall down and break something again. i don't want another bad thing to happen to you or grandpa. you are getting old, and cannot take care of yourself anymore...i'm scared of what might happen. what am i supposed to do without you or grandpa?

__,
if you think that ignoring me and holding hands with her at my last home game ever will make you any less of an a-hole you've got it all wrong. what would make you do that? seriously you've thrown all my feelings out the window. you wouldnt even come talk to ct today beacuse i was there...why are you avoiding me? if anyone should be saying sorry its you not me. you lied to me about everything you wanted...how do you expect me to act normal around you? its impossible.
i just want things to be the way they were two weeks ago.
i want you back but i refuse to apologize.

D - You're so sweet! That blue ducky you gave me was very thoughtful. And I want to give you something, too! I was going to give you my necklace for X-Mas, but since you are moving, and don't know when you're leaving, I might give it to you sooner.
You're so stupid! And that's what makes me love you... What happened last night was my greatest laughs ever.

J - Nice hair. But, don't secually harass the New Kid! I don't even remember his name anymore... Just, don't do that in front of me!

P - Our 9th fake relationship, and I can't break up with you now because you went to San Fran! I'M NOT CHEATING ON D! IT'S FAKE, OKAY?! I'm loyal to D, and very happy with him. I would never do that.

"If you can't hear my heartbeat, you're too far away."

When am I going to see you again? You're going away this weekend :(... I miss you!
Talk to you tonight

i wish you were mine.

thanks everyone today...i really appreciate it. especially you.

WR: Why the hell do I keep looking at you? When MHS came to present to us, I was 2 tables away from you. Then, being my idiot self, I decided to move to a different table away from you even farther. Please, come to me, accept me, LOVE ME. DAMNIT, I WANT YOU TO LIKE ME! I WANT YOU TO LIKE ME. I WANT YOU TO REALLY REALLY LIKE ME.

everytime i visit you in your grave, the more i believe that i'm a failure.
it's been a whole month daddy, and time will not erase how much i miss you.
i miss you so much there's so much going on right now. . i can't even think. everything's changing . . i just.. miss you daddy.. rest in peace

i miss it so much. i don't know what it was like for you but for me it was all about you. omg i wanna go back with your head on my lap/your arms around me. even though i know you're an a-hole and not right, i am still feeling for you all the time. please don't act like shit didn't happen. see it's all i can hold on to right now...

Haha, omg, I had so much fun with you guys today, studying calculus. Hah you guys are too funny, I don't know if I have laughed so hard and so much. We need to do this every time before a test. <3 you all.

I really missed you today, especially on the train home. I was feeling sleepy and all I wanted to do was lay my head on your shoulder... Boo too bad we can't see each other at all this week. But, I really really hope we can do Thanksgiving, our 1 year anniversary! It'll definitely be special. I love you so much <3.

__: What the hell happened?...Seriously..uhm I'm worried..that scared me..are you ok?..
__: Hahah, you are funny I like your eyes..I didn't know that was your brother!!!..haha hm..yeah.
__:Oh my god, I hadn't talked to you since elementery, haha you remember ___? hahha that was funny, good times, too. It was fun talking to you for a while. I thought you didn't like me..I don't know..
__:Can you just move back to your old seat?..you f**ked up everything.ugh.
__:You move back too..ugh stop fucken talking to yourself, sooo annoying.

move back to jc

____,
i can't stop thinking about you...i just want to be with you...i wish you would see more in me than just a friend...

The difference between you and I is...

I really like you..

but.. you don't really like me.

sigh. i wish i could make you feel better but...i don't know how.

Holy shit, shut the f**k up. I heard you the goddamn first time, no need to repeat it every f**king day. You are so annoying and didn't do shit for me. You don't treat me like you treat your kids today. What the f**k did I do to get this? f**k man. Bac Hoan is more of a father to me than you. I f**king hate your f**king attitude towards me. I hate your voice. I won't say I hate you, but I have REALLY angry feelings against you. Actually, I have it everyday. You do not know how bad I want to hurt you. You treat me like shit and treat your wife like she's queen. f**k man. I want this little shit and you can't get me it. She gets a goddamn car and that bitch don't even know how to drive it. I understand how it's for her to learn, but c'mon. If you can buy her a car, you can buy me a f**king MP3 player/IPod for my birthday, which by the way you don't celebrate. You know what I've noticed? You don't do shit for your family. All you do is complain about stupid shit, make them work for you and you go out and gamble and come back f**ked up in the head and start to yell. I had enough of your shit. I hate it. And why the hell are you calling me stupid? I did pass all these grades and I am a teenager. I do not know where the hell to get a f**king magazine or some shit where they sell houses. I don't know what the hell the people you are dealing with are talking about. I'm a f**king teenager. Let me live my life as one. Not as a second mom or something. Telling me to take care of your kids when you have a goddamn wife for a reason. She created them, she takes care of them. Unless you pay me, then f**k no. I can't do anything because of them. Can't go out or shit. I love them, I truly do. Oh, and you don't take care of them either. That's so f**ked up too, 'cause if you haven't noticed, you're their father. What? You play with them? That's it? You don't change their diapers, you don't feed them, you don't do shit with them. Demanding me to f**king look after them when they're yours. It's your actions and her which I dispise. Please, leave me alone. It'd be best that way.