hey baby i think about you so much. that makes me so sad, when i know that it's not gonna be like it was. i am confident that you and me are perfect for each other. but if it wasn't for these f**ked up circumstances, we could be together.

I don't fucking believe this.

Dear Teesa,
It was good to talk even though it was for a total of like what, ten minutes? Haha. I miss 'us'. Y'know, Teesa and Christina, always hanging out together, like inseparable, having all the inside jokes and everything. It's just different and hard. And it's only going to progress like that which makes me sad.
-Me.

Dear You,
I'm trying not to care. Trying to be happy. Really, I am. But I do care still. I still wonder when the next time we're going to talk is. Sad thing is that I'll actually wait online and talk to no one for hours just in the hopes that you'll come online and we'll talk, even if it was for five minutes, because to me, it's worth it. Is that crazy? I'm not sure what to think of this whole ordeal, what to do, what to feel even. Hah, that's a funny, odd thought. Not knowing how to feel. It's not exactly like it's something that can be controlled but honestly I don't even know what to feel or how to express how I feel. The limitations of language are quite constraining when trying to express your emotions. Maybe thats it? Maybe I say I love you but only because that is the closest word to express how I feel for you? Here I go again. Trying to rationalize everything. I'm trying to stop. I'm trying to just trust everything will go okay. But I can't. I don't know when we'll see each other next and that kills me. I don't know when we'll talk to each other next and that kills me. Not knowing is killing me. Not knowing what we are, how exactly you feel for me, what's going to happen, when I can see you, when we will talk again, what we'll talk about, just not knowing is killing me. I dislike how you can control my emotions by either doing something or by not doing something. Either way, you control whether or not I'm happy and that's not good, not healthy. But I can't stop it. I don't know how and I've been trying. Secretly, I still sometimes cry. I try not to let people know, pretend that things are looking up, that I'm doing well. It's not true and I'm getting quite sick of this act I feel like I have to put up. Why do I miss you so much...I miss you more than you could know. I think that if we were to see each other, I might even cry from being so ecstatically happy just to see you. I'm crazy huh? Crazy about you.
-Me.

I hate my frickin pride... I hate how I'll refuse to call you... I hate how I always make sure I'm the last one to recieve the text. F*ck... it's frickin pathetic and really shouldn't matter when I love you this much. But even though It's gotten to the point where I feel miserable because I'm not hearing from you... I still won't call you.
Please call me... I know it's unrealistic and stupid because the only person's actions I can control are my own... and I'm being sooo retarded.. but it's just... my weakness. You might be getting the impression that I don't care but I do, so much. It's just my frickin stubborn, stupid personality... Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... and I miss you.

______,
Silly goose! "Silly MOOSE" Ahahahaha. Oh my I don't know why that made me laughs o hard. Oh how I love you so. Wow, I really miss talking to you how I used to. Talking to you like everydayyy and all my recent phone calls would say your name and i when we both used to fall asleep while talking on the phone late at night. blah.


_____,
Okay. I have a crush on you.


_____,
That was so sweet. =]

_____,
stop acting akward.

mybestbeezy,

omg your new picture is cool

we got the same kicks yo.

like me and c nah mean. he don't wanna get them dirty you know what i'm sayin.

but quit with that purp shit you gay for that cause drugs are bad, mmkay.

no wonder you got sent to that school you bopper.

but we could still be best buds like spongebob & patrick.

love,
angie

agh. i feel like crying again. whyyyyyy!?

//edit.
to a different person/people:
eff youuuuuuuuuuu.

You can get so far in life, you know? You think it's jumbled. It all makes sense.

Find yourself. If I ddin't give up on you, you shouldn't give up on yourself either.

3 hour phone conversation... talking about things that I have never talked about to anyone. Really weird how it came when I was talking to Him and getting really emotional about it, huh? When I was apologizing for my pride, disappointed in myself for not taking charge... knowing that I let Him down... then you call. Little miracles, they are. Anyway. Man.. I meant everything I said. I hope you did too. That was insanely crazy... how you said things, told me you felt guilty for saying them right after,... how we both have different views of this relationship... I really can't quite digest this right now. I can't believe I talked to you on such a deep level. I know we got the whole sex thing over with, too. We'll see if you can respect me for my decision. It's so weird, how I feel so close to you-- closer than I've ever felt to anyone. I've told you things that up to this point existed only within the walls of my head. But I know that this is a typical thing for you... you always talk to people about things like this. But you tell me this is the first relationship where you actually cared... believe that you're putting more into this than I am. I obviously thought the opposite. I don't know... I have no definite answers, you don't either. Who has answers, anyway? Life would be boring if it was all planned out for us. So let's see what this all brings... and the one thing I do know is that I love you.

i'm completely torn beyond belief, ripped apart. god, if you're there, why do you do this to me. is this what you wanted? someone broken, who's always willing to try and get back up, but when i almost succeed, you throw something in my path again and trip me over? is this what you enjoy seeing? damnit. this is what makes me agnostic, because i can't stand to believe that there's a god out there who intervenes in the world, and can subject someone to this sort of emotional pain. or subject anyone in particular to this sort of emotional pain.

: Every time I hear that song, I think of you. All that's left are questions in my head. What we should've...could've..would've done? Why didn't you tell me before you left? Now you're just some stupid shithead jock. I don't even miss you. I just wish you would have told me earlier.
: I'm glad you haven't said anything. Do it already. What are you waiting for?
: Drugs will mess up your head. Please don't take them. You're too smart for that shit. I love you too much to let bad things happen to you.

i really like YOU.

:)

So I kind of have this gut feeling that you are my soulmate.

that's really messed up....no that's just really messed up! >< i can't believe you!

bye cb, i wont be coming back

why haven't you been the same fun cute guy that i fell for lately? believe me i still do like you but you've been different. and then i get annoyed about it and you really don't help. i know you're sorry about today but you seem to be like this all the time. pleease stop

eff you guys...im tired of being bugged.

Oh, I think I like you. I mean, love you. lolz.

you're absolutely wonderful and i can't take my mind off of you

I knew I shouldn't have brought it up. But, strangely, I don't really care that much. So what? I know that we'll make up later and it wouldn't matter. I just hate how you don't seem to care. I'm the one that's always saying something, but you just don't seem to care. And because of your attitude, I'm starting not to care. Maybe that's why I was all nonchalant. And, it really disappointed me how I won't be able to see you until next Friday, when Harry Potter comes out... Whatever, right? Meh, you know that I love you, but I just don't know about you. I just wish you would ask me about my day, like I'm always asking you. It feels like sometimes, we don't have that much to talk about, but I have a lot to say, you just never say/ask anything... I'm going to wait until after our 1 year, see what happens...
And, it really feels like we're getting really distant, just as my friend and I are getting closer. I just hope you feel better, and make me feel loved again.

Dear You,
I really miss you.
Really, really.
A lot.
Entirely.
Completely.
Fully.
Insanely.
Passionately.
Miss you.
-Me.

Have fun in the states this weekendddddddd
I'm gonna miss youuuuuu
Tell me how that THING goes and what you decided to do about it.... ahaha
later gator. =p

ilu. i can't wait until sunday.

feel better hon. things will be okay.

sigh...i can't help but be oddly jealous of you. *shrug* you're still awesome-ness though.

you are just annoying as hell, go away.

Dear You,
I don't know how this is supposed to work. I don't know why I'm feeling this way and why I'm crying. You make things so difficult. I'm so confused. I just want to cut off everything between us. Everything. Never talk to you again. Never see you again. But I know that won't help. That might even make things worse. I'm so confused. You keep hurting me. Even when you're not even trying, you're hurting me. I keep getting hurt. Nothing is the same, nothing will be the same. Why can't it be the same? I don't know why I keep spending time on you. Keep praying for you. Keep waiting on you. Keep dreaming about you. I don't know why I keep trying so hard. I'm trying so hard and nothing happens. Aren't I worth it? I want to be the one who brings you some good. The one that helps you. The one you love and want to be with. Why can't I be that one? I thought I was. Everything hurts. All over again. I'm crying again. Again I tried. Again I'm crying. Again I'm hurt. Again, again, again. Over and over. This is stupid, I keep telling myself that, but I can't let go. Why can't I let go? Why do I keep holding on? What are you doing? Why are you like this? Just be real with me. Tell me the truth. Stop playing your games. Stop being dramatic. And stop acting like you care. You obviously don't care. Stop pretending. Just stop.
-Me.

I dont even KNOW.

Meeting him yesterday, was great. Hes obviously really easyyy to talk to. But i dont know. He probably will never even think of me that way, and i know, my mentality isnt helping. But im facing the cold hard truth. Its about time i stopped being so easy on myself and schooled myself in what ive ALWAYS schooled other kids who always ran to me for advice. But WOKBVOQVB0p9gvfw omgosh. I dont even know if thats how it should be.

You. Youve already put me through it. The hook up and break up. But walking home with you in the rain [ with of course jasons company ] was ... idono. You seem odd around me now. Like your uncomfortable. Which makes me think two things, you like me [ HAH i can cross that one off ] or you just feel plain awkward around me because of how things happened altho i try to forget it, dirt under the rug. You just .. i dont know. You did me f**ked up though so i aint tryna mess with that triflin shit.

Your so gdamn shy you a-hole. SPEAK !

You .. well yea well me and you should talk more.

You .. stop messing with me. I just want to kiss you Lol. you have the nicest lips ive ever seen on a guy... Gdamn ...

if i was sleepy i would be knocked out already sucka. don't teach me fool

you,
STOP COPYING ME, KAY. im tired of it. i cant tell you, because i dont want to start shit. but. OOOOOH.

you,
biiiiiiiiiiitch. dont even. you know leroy green kids are gay-errrr =o
WHAT NOW?

you,
yay. me you cami and sophia are at your house. OMG the cals junior thing was so fun.

you IRRITATE ME . cant you see i try to ignore you and not talk to you, yet you persist on trying to make yourself a part of my daily life. get away from me. i feel like slicing your throat open and making you eat your insides through the gash.

LOL I don't understand myself... how I ignored your first call and then felt bad and picked up the second one. Last night I would have been thrilled to get your call. I don't know, I guess I just need some alone time tonight. Fine.. maybe I enjoy hearing your voice anyway, and love it when your name shows up on the caller ID =p. But to be perfectly honest, I don't take what you say so seriously anymore. It kind of sucks, but can't help it! I don't want to doubt you, but you tell me you can "lie your way out of a relationship", but with me you feel like you have to tell the truth? Okay... I don't believe people that easily. Prove it to me. I still love you, of course, but when you sent me a text that said "Je t'adore... guess what class I'm in?" I snickered more than gushed =p

Hahahaha... have fun this weekend-- love ya. Miss you lots... and hope I get to spend some time with you soon and won't have to wait til next weekend.

Dear You,
Is it worth it?
Are you worth it?
-Me.

Dear You,
I hope tomorrow goes well. I want you to open up to me and feel beter. I love you death and I don't know what I would do without you. I just want to be there for you. I know I can help because I've been there, done that, been there again, done it again, and again, and again.
-Me.

Dear Mariah Carey,
I wish I could sing like you. Haha.
-Me.

____,

you make me laugh so much...hehe i just want to be with you ...hehehe...you're the first guy in a long time that i wanted to be with thats actually in my age group...you should feel privlaged...hehehe....you make me smile and its amazing...hehe...even when i really dont want to smile when i see you i just cant help but smile its really funny really...hehehe...how much i like you...i want to know if you like me back..that would be the greatest thing ever...and i would be over joyed if i would be able to be with someone like you...hahaha you would be able to make me so happy... hehehehehehe....i promise you i wont let you escape...hehe im going to try my hardest...i mean...i dont want to try so hard to get at you...because i dont want to be like those other girls that are always trying to stalk you...hahaha i probably wrote this before but oh well...you're still always on my mind...hehehe....i really don't want to seem like a stalker either...its not my fault you're always on my mind! hehehe...i miss you like crazy

you.
GREAT. THANKS ALOT. AFTER LAST NIGHT, YOU AND YOUR UGLY FAT GANGSTER FRIENDS MADE MY SELF ESTEEM GO DOWN TO ZERO.
THATS IT. I, EATING NOW. IM GOING TO EAT UNTIL I GAIN WEIGHT. IM NOT GOING TO EXCERSIZE. IM GOING EAT UNTIL ALL THE FAT KIDS STOP CALLING ME UNHEALTHY AND ANAREXIC. IM GOING TO EAT UNTIL I FEEL PRETTY.
I DONT GET IT. I ALWAYS THOUGHT GOOD OF MYSELF, BUT NO. YOU PROVED ME WRONG. IM NOT BULIMIC. I CANT BELIEVE YOUR f**king 8 YEA OLD SISTER SAT THERE AND CALLED ME THAT WHILE LAUGHING. ALL OF YOUR UGLY FRIENDS. EVERYONE.
ITS NOT FUNNY. OHMYGOD, YOU STARTED TO LAUGH WHEN I CRYED.
AND THEN YOU MADE ME AND SOPHIA FIGHT!!! ONE OF MY BESTEST FRIENDS! FIGHT WITH ME.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES IN MY f**king LIE IVE BEEN CALLED THAT?
MORE THAN YOU THINK.
IM NOT UGLY. IM NOT BULIMIC, AND IM NOT ANAREXIC. IM TIRED OF HEAING THAT FROM EVERY FAT BLACK OR MEXICAN KID WALKING DOWN THE STREET.
IM TALL AND SKINNY. I LOOK LIKE A 10 YEAR OLD WIT A HUGE HEAD, AND I HAVE A UGLY FACE.
THERE, HAPPY? IM OFICIALLY ..... SAD..... AND..... PISSED.....

thats it. im done with this. im gone for good.

kay. bye.

cassie

you bitch. you ruined my day. i hate you.

no really i love you but you are making me so sad.

stupid bitch.

Okay.. fine. That "Forgot to say 'I love you' but you know that already =p" text you sent 40 minutes after I went to bed was enough to make me gush ;)

Love you, mister

___,
you're making me furious..i just want to slap you like so freaking hard...grr...irritating mee...you little fart...

Cassie: You're beautiful just the way you are. I know it hurts when people call you names and make fun of you, but you can't let them get to you. You are amazing. And if they can't see that, then f*ck em. Seriously.

________: I'm not asking you to pick sides. But, it would mean a lot to me if you chose mine.

____: If I saw you today, I would probably kick your scrawny ass, Princess.

_______: There may not be an I in team, but there IS a U in slut, bitch.

Get out of my life a-hole. ISKNBLADSJBDAKLFUCKINSGBSAOHATEYOU.

i know what you did you backstabber! karma's a B*TCH, b*tch! ;]

____: You're just so selfish.

ohmygawd. that email was just...amazing. my reply seemed so...inadequate in comparison. but yeah i just about cried. any doubts are gone and if they ever come back, i'll just read that again. it was beautiful. i love you so much.

_____: I hate this. i still can't believe that we seperated from each other. i miss your smile, and i miss you talking to me. i just want to be with you. but NOTHING GOOD happens to me. it happens to my friends. i just miss you overall<3 i need to be with you.

______: what the heck? you lied to me! and you didn't tell me? you little jerk! since when? how? geez, we need to talk. i am just mad right now. mad. very, very mad. this is the first time you lied. i am so upset.

____: you don't realize how that hurt me. it was sickeing [sp?] and stop calling me so much. we're friends not the other.

_____: YOU. ARE. MAKING. ME. MAD. shut up.

11-9-05 RIP.

how the f**k can you live so effing close to me and i never ever saw you? i hate this. you're the one person i wanna be with and everything is going against that.

Dear JH,
I'm so confused.. Do you like me or don't you? Why can't you just tell me? I don't know what's right anymore. You ripped up my note, your avoiding me, but people tell me you like me. People say you do drugs too.. But I don't care. I like you. I REALLY like you. That shouldn't matter if I truely like you. It may bother me a little that your doing this to yourself, but I truely and honestly like you. I'm starting to feel like I'm falling in LOVE with you even though we don't talk. People tell me that maybe you just didn't want to seem mushy in front of your friends so you ripped it up. Maybe you just don't know how to react? I mean.. You've probably never had a girl tell you that she likes you.. But I don't know.. Everything is so confusing. Why can't you just accept me? Am I that hard to accept? I'm trying to do everything I can to make you feel like I want to respect you and to get you to like me while still being me. It hurts me so much that your playing with my emotions like this. I mean.. You acted like you were interested before Homecoming and now.. Your.. Just avoiding me. I don't understand... I didn't do anything wrong did I? I'm just so.. Unhappy because of all of this. I don't know what I can do anymore. I want to hold your hand again, I want to hug you and have you hug me back with that tight embrace... I miss all of that. I miss you.. I just don't know why your doing this to me... Can we go back to before Homecoming? I was much happier before then... I can't stop thinking about you... I think I'm seriously falling in love with you. Please... Stop breaking my heart.. I just... Can't figure things out right now.. Everything is so confusing...
Love,
Me

Dear Lydia J,
I don't think we're friends anymore. You kept on bragging about how you had all your sophomor friends and how you were so much more cooler than me. It made me feel like crap. Thanks for making me realize how much of a bad friend you were. We were supposed to be best friends too. Good job sweetie. OH and thanks for trying to steal my friends too. Your such a GREAT friend. Quit flirting with every male on the planet? Kthx. Have a nice life you whore.
By the way, your getting fat. Stop eatting and become anorexic.
XOXO,
Me

i love you

________ & _____:
Wow. I thought you guys were faithful friends. How you hated each other. Now you're the best of friends. Great, just great. Get off my back, bitches.

___ __:
CHIIICKEN.

_____ & _____:
You guys are so sweet

Hmm, I know I can get over it. I hated when you just brought that break up like it was normal. But I'm glad we got off that topic! But I guess I promise to change. But still, I'm feeling a bit eh. Nothing I can do though. I still love you.

Dear JH,
Wow.. Holy sh*t.. Thanks for f*cking toying with me and making me feel even more like f*cking cr*p. I don't get why you did this to me. I never f*cking did anything to be treated like this.
Thanks a whole f*cking lot.
This is just what I f*cking needed.
I liked you so f*cking much too.
Love,
Me

Ugh, just leave don't f**king talk to me. You are so annoying, stop trying to see what I am doing it's none of your buisness.

Dear You,
I don't think you'll call. Ever. That hurts. I'm not gonna try and talk to you again.
-Me.

Dear You,
Okay...that's a little bit, oh I don't know, rude? Yeah. I thought we were friends, what the heck? I mean it's not some huge, big deal but still, even when I bring it up you don't say anything. I have to say that that is a little messed up. Especially since I obviously know about it.
-Me.

Dear You,
I wish we could have talked more today. Sorry. Stupid people. But I love you times a million billion my sexy beast.
-Me.