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excerpt, just one paragraph
PurpleDaze112
post May 21 2009, 02:29 PM
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I wrote this is February of this year. I just wanted anyone who wants to read it and judge it, giving me the harshest criticism you can. As basckground, thi story takes place in a small, rural, southern town somewhere between 1910 and 1933. I never decided what the whole thing was going to be about.

In the depths were those too old to live at home but too young to be married. A thin layer of smoke filled the air, making it difficult to see through the darkness. The air was cooler down there, and the walls were lined with presences of peaches and pears from the last spring and summer. The two weren’t alone there. “Millie Everett,” Pete nodded toward a girl in the corner. She wore a blue dress sprinkled with yellow flowers, shoulder length hair straightened and parte don the side. She smiled before turning back toward her girlfriends. Their conversations grew more hushed. “You always ignoring me, Millie. I’m getting tired of it.” Patch left his side to sit down at a table someone had brought down. The men around it watched a checkers game because it would be sacrilege to bring cards down here, under the house of God. “I went to the city last year, to Los Angeles in California.” A man he didn’t know, caramel colored with a fine chiseled face, was talking. “That city was so big you wouldn’t believe it. And there were n****ers richer than any planter here.” “You don’t say,” Patch watched Colleen step out of the shadows. She was dressed in a gauzy pink dress too formal for the occasion. When she turned her gaze on him her eyes looked bigger and browner than they’d been before. He looked away.
 
brooklyneast05
post May 21 2009, 03:30 PM
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QUOTE
In the depths were those too old to live at home but too young to be married.


in the depths...the depths of what?

QUOTE
The air was cooler down there, and the walls were lined with presences of peaches and pears from the last spring and summer.


i don't get this sentence. probably because you use the word presences in a really odd way. it makes more sense imo to say the walls were lined with peaches and pears since i'm assuming that's what they are lined with, not "presences" of them. if they aren't lined with the fruit, then i think you should still change the sentence to make more sense.

QUOTE
The two weren’t alone there. “Millie Everett,” Pete nodded toward a girl in the corner. She wore a blue dress sprinkled with yellow flowers, shoulder length hair straightened and parted on the side. She smiled before turning back toward her girlfriends. Their conversations grew more hushed. “You always ignoring me, Millie. I’m getting tired of it.” Patch left his side to sit down at a table someone had brought down.


the red part sounds awkward to me. i don't think you need that part at all. it's already implied someone brought the table down there rather than it just appeared there by itself.


it reads like it has punctuation problems and other technical errors, but i don't wanna figure those out cause i suck at grammar. otherwise, i guess it's ok. i mean it's not really interesting or good to me, but then again it's only a paragraph so there's not really much to like or dislike about it. it doesn't sound well written if that's what you're going for. you should decide what you're trying to write an then keep going in my opinion.
 
PurpleDaze112
post May 22 2009, 11:41 AM
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QUOTE(brooklyneast05 @ May 21 2009, 04:30 PM) *
in the depths...the depths of what?
i don't get this sentence. probably because you use the word presences in a really odd way. it makes more sense imo to say the walls were lined with peaches and pears since i'm assuming that's what they are lined with, not "presences" of them. if they aren't lined with the fruit, then i think you should still change the sentence to make more sense.
the red part sounds awkward to me. i don't think you need that part at all. it's already implied someone brought the table down there rather than it just appeared there by itself.
it reads like it has punctuation problems and other technical errors, but i don't wanna figure those out cause i suck at grammar. otherwise, i guess it's ok. i mean it's not really interesting or good to me, but then again it's only a paragraph so there's not really much to like or dislike about it. it doesn't sound well written if that's what you're going for. you should decide what you're trying to write an then keep going in my opinion.


I actually had about four or five pages of that, that thing ocming form the third. "in the depths" refers to a cellar that earlier on that the main character went into. As for grammatical and technical errors, I'm fully aware of them. I just let my mind rip when I write without thinking it out. Anyhow, thanks for your criticism. Most people just BS when you ask for a real response.
 
ley
post May 22 2009, 12:03 PM
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QUOTE(PurpleDaze112 @ May 21 2009, 02:29 PM) *
Their conversations grew more hushed. “You always ignoring me, Millie. I’m getting tired of it.” [/i]


This part caught my attention. Then you strayed away. Its a little overdescriptive, which makes it hard to read.
 

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