Damn you, Oracle., Oracle + PHP != Happiness Options

[*mipadi*]

Gah! I'm trying to write a web application in PHP for my job. I don't know if I am going to be connecting to a MySQL or an Oracle database yet, so I am writing two include files--mysql.php and oracle.php. Each contains the same function names, but handles the proper code for the respective database, so that the database connection can be changed with a single line (change from require_once('functions/mysql.php'); to require_once('functions/oracle.php');) and no other code will need to be changed.

Sounds good, right? Well, no, because, unlike MySQL, it's a pain in the ass to connect to Oracle databases with PHP! Sure, the fscking functions are right there, but they don't work in an intuitive fashion, and I'm having a hell of a time just extracting data.

Computing for the masses, my ass. Why can't you just be simple, Oracle? Gah!

(By the way, if anyone knows anything about retrieving data from an Oracle database with PHP, that'd be great. I can connect and close just fine, but that's not as useful as actually getting some data.)