The Awakening, Poem |
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 Apr 21 2009, 07:47 AM
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#1
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 Candy & Cookie Tester  Group: Member Posts: 76 Joined: Apr 2009 Member No: 724,880  |
Open your eyes!
Why can't you open them? The worlds end is so close I'm sure you want to see it! I'm by your side so don't be scared Keeping your eyes closed won't protect you It's so close can't you tell. The signs are everywhere It's time to wake up Open your eyes the days of the reborn world are before you. Ok so I wrote this poem a while back and i've even submitted it on a website, here it is My Poem's |
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Apr 21 2009, 08:58 AM
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#2
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 AIDS at RAVES. Group: Official Designer Posts: 2,386 Joined: Dec 2007 Member No: 598,878 |
Im guessing it is a blank verse because you do not have repetition, as far as the message, I think it is too straightforward, you should try to allude to a point, not just state it. But props to you cause I hate writing poetry, I just read it
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Apr 23 2009, 10:24 PM
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#3
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 Senior Member Group: Administrator Posts: 2,648 Joined: Apr 2008 Member No: 639,265 |
You the potential for a lot of rich imagery, but you don't really use it. You even have a line, "The signs are everywhere," but you haven't actually shown any of the signs.
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Apr 27 2009, 08:33 AM
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#4
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Candy & Cookie Tester Group: Member Posts: 76 Joined: Apr 2009 Member No: 724,880 |
Thanks for the advice everyone! Ok so i've worked on it more. I've changed it quite a bit but basically kept the same concept.
New Version: Open your eyes! OPEN THEM I SAY! You know in your soul you can’t escape me The end is close, close for all I know you can smell the fear from the world Oh how I’m sure you’ll want to see the end everyone you know and love will be there so don’t be scared Keeping your eyes closed won't protect you EVIL is working its way in You can’t escape it. Ha! it’s close to taking you, open your eyes to embrace it Look to the people around you they do struggle but they are not afraid By destiny the evil will always corrupt Open your eyes, Now that they are open watch at the world before you is taken away. Old Version: QUOTE(Superase @ Apr 21 2009, 08:47 AM)  Open your eyes! Why can't you open them? The worlds end is so close I'm sure you want to see it! I'm by your side so don't be scared Keeping your eyes closed won't protect you It's so close can't you tell. The signs are everywhere It's time to wake up Open your eyes the days of the reborn world are before you. |
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Apr 28 2009, 10:20 PM
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#5
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 Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 550 Joined: Mar 2007 Member No: 509,557 |
QUOTE(synatribe @ Apr 21 2009, 09:58 AM) Im guessing it is a blank verse because you do not have repetition, as far as the message, I think it is too straightforward, you should try to allude to a point, not just state it. But props to you cause I hate writing poetry, I just read it I agree completely. |
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