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Forums _ Relationships _ Should I be concerned?

Posted by: Ashley_Brook Dec 5 2007, 12:08 AM

I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 months now and everything has been great so far. I have been spending weekends over at his place since. Well we had planned on me coming over this weekend as usual and he sends me a message that reads.

"Ok I don't want you to get mad but my friend Stephanie is going to stay at my house this weekend. I haven't gotten to see or hang out with her in over 2 months and this is the only way she can come here. Her boyfriend is dropping her off on his way to Fort Wayne and then coming back on Sunday. So she's staying the night. I wanted to tell you because I didn't want you to think I was hiding someone behind your back."

Okay, I'm I'm thinking, "Ooookay..." and I sent him a message back saying, "So you don't want me to come over this weekend?" and then his next message was, "Don't you have all next week off work?" and then I replied, "Yes." and then he said, "Well you could stay a few days through the week." I told him that was okay.

Okay so I haven't met this girl yet, but I have heard him talk about how they are friends and have been for a long time. I have been to her myspace and she does have a boyfriend who she seems really into, I convinced myself that it was fine and that I shouldn't be worried, but now I'm wondering. I asked 4 of my other friends about this and they all think it's suspicious that he wants to exclude me out of picture for when she's coming over. They said, "Well if they were just friends, he wouldn't have a problem with you coming over anyways."

So I sent him another message saying, "Would it be cool if I come over this weekend anyways and we could all hang out because next week seems too far away." and now i'm waiting for a response from him.

I just want to know what you all think. Sorry this is long.

Posted by: jeanna Dec 5 2007, 12:10 AM

nah. i wouldn't be too worried by the sounds of it.
it was smart for him to tell you before hand. if he was being sneaky and wanted to cheat, he would have never told you.

Posted by: MissHygienic Dec 5 2007, 12:14 AM

Okay, to me, you're being excessively paranoid and irrational and untrusting. What are you worried about, exactly? I'm not seeing the issue. He's taken by you and he even sent you a message telling you this; she's taken because her boyfriend will be dropping her off. What's wrong with lending a room to someone of the opposite sex for the weekend? He probably doesn't want you there to make her feel uncomfortable because she will be his guest.

Stop being paranoid and gain some trust. God.

Posted by: misoshiru Dec 5 2007, 12:15 AM

yeah. he would've just made up some other bullshit story instead. personally, if i were him, and that girl and i were really good friends, i wouldn't want you butting in even if i weren't going to cheat.

Posted by: Ashley_Brook Dec 5 2007, 12:21 AM

I see what you're all saying, but the other thing that concerns me is that, well I work 3 to 10 pm all weekend and I planned on just heading over there after work and that I would have to be back at work by 3 pm on the next day, so why would he exlude me when I would only be with him overnight in the first place?

And I wasn't worried about this until I came home from work tonight and a whole bunch of my friends are telling me I'm insane if I buy his story...

Posted by: misoshiru Dec 5 2007, 12:22 AM

QUOTE(MissHygienic @ Dec 5 2007, 01:14 PM) *
He probably doesn't want you there to make her feel uncomfortable because she will be his guest.


Posted by: Elba Dec 5 2007, 12:29 AM

f**k that. If that were my boyfriend I'm going to be there if some little skank is spending the night.

Posted by: audory Dec 5 2007, 12:44 AM

^agreed.

Posted by: MissHygienic Dec 5 2007, 12:47 AM

Jesus Christ. Maybe you all are suspicious and paranoid because your boyfriends want a damned break from his needy, untrusting girlfriends. Concerns like these are hardly warranted if he's messaged you this and told you the truth.

Posted by: Spencer Dec 5 2007, 12:50 AM

QUOTE(MissHygienic @ Dec 4 2007, 11:47 PM) *
Jesus Christ. Maybe you all are suspicious and paranoid because your boyfriends want a damned break from his needy, untrusting girlfriends. Concerns like these are hardly warranted if he's messaged you this and told you the truth.
YEAH! GOD ELBA!

Posted by: Elba Dec 5 2007, 12:53 AM

Shut up, Spencer. laugh.gif

This situation would never arise. My boyfriend knows better.

Posted by: jeanna Dec 5 2007, 12:54 AM

ohhh she's sleeping over? haha. then that changes things

Posted by: Ashley_Brook Dec 5 2007, 12:55 AM

Yeah the whole weekend, and they don't have a couch either....

Posted by: Elba Dec 5 2007, 12:58 AM

I'm sure you don't mind if she sleeps in his bed rolleyes.gif

Posted by: jeanna Dec 5 2007, 12:59 AM

QUOTE(Elba @ Dec 5 2007, 01:58 AM) *
I'm sure you don't mind if she sleeps in his bed rolleyes.gif

just friends with benefits.

i think she should stalk him and break into his house. i would do that.

haha jk....

Posted by: Spencer Dec 5 2007, 12:59 AM

I'm sure they'll have sex.

He'll then message you saying, "Hey, she slept on the couch that we don't have, so don't worry about A THING!"

Posted by: Ashley_Brook Dec 5 2007, 01:00 AM

If I had a guy friend come to stay with me at my house, he would NOT be sleeping in my bed with me. I do know that for sure, so no I think it would be inappropriate 100%.

Posted by: MissHygienic Dec 5 2007, 01:01 AM

Let's see: her boyfriend is the one dropping her off knowing that she's going to be staying at a guy's house, and you seem to be the only one out of the four people to have a problem with it. If he cheats on you like this, then why would you even want to be with him?

Posted by: Ashley_Brook Dec 5 2007, 01:05 AM

QUOTE(MissHygienic @ Dec 5 2007, 02:01 AM) *
Let's see: her boyfriend is the one dropping her off knowing that she's going to be staying at a guy's house, and you seem to be the only one out of the four people to have a problem with it. If he cheats on you like this, then why would you even want to be with him?



She could just as easily make up some story to her bf saying that I live with him and make him that I, his gf, would be there the whole time. Guys, as insecure as I may sound in these posts, I'm really not. I have been with plenty of guys who I could trust and did trust, and I have also been with guys who I trusted and they betrayed my trust. I'm not insecure and suspecting, but I'm also not a naive dumb girl standing in the dark to be cheated on over and over again.

Just as much as you can't be paranoid in a relationship, you also can't be too gullible. Anyone with experience in love life will tell you that.

Posted by: MissHygienic Dec 5 2007, 01:07 AM

Well, that's all you had to say.

Drive by his house at 2 AM to check if the lights are on and throw a boulder through his window. Bring a gun just in case.

Posted by: Ashley_Brook Dec 5 2007, 01:16 AM

Seriously, put yourself in my position. Your boyfriend is having a female friend that you don't know staying with him all weekend and asked you not to be there during the time she is there, even though you were only going to stay with him overnight. What would you be thinking?

Posted by: Elba Dec 5 2007, 01:19 AM

Not only that--you two had already agreed to spend the weekend together and he is changing the plans for the broad who wants to spend the night with him. Big no-no.

Posted by: Spencer Dec 5 2007, 01:23 AM

You're giving this a lot of thought.

Main points:
No, it's not ok.

I think that's it.

Posted by: Valid Dec 5 2007, 01:30 AM

Don't stay over but STOP BY.
You can check up with them and say hello or something,
Meet the girl! Get to introduce yourself while taking a bite to eat or something.

Posted by: Spencer Dec 5 2007, 01:31 AM

Call him every 5 minutes. If he doesn't pick up, you know what's up. eyebrowes.gif

Either that, or he's merely sleeping. Lose-lose situation, really.

Posted by: misoshiru Dec 5 2007, 02:14 AM

if you can't trust him, why are you even with him?

Posted by: RyanWasHere Dec 5 2007, 02:22 AM

QUOTE(misoshiru @ Dec 5 2007, 02:14 AM) *
if you can't trust him, why are you even with him?


I second that statement, but on the other hand if I heard those shenanigans I wouldn't trust him either, so...f**k em. It's only been three months, cut your losses now, or forget about it.

Posted by: Call911Quick Dec 5 2007, 06:59 AM

Are they sleeping in the same room? Cuz if not then u should be ok. Oh, and check to see if she's better looking than u. If she is, there is a small chance that there could be a problem.

Posted by: S-Majere Dec 5 2007, 09:38 AM

I'm with Elba all the way on this.

You're his girlfriend - you get prioritised over another girl friend.

I can't believe he would drop his and your plans for this person - and what about her boyfriend? Too weird to be the complete truth.

Posted by: Uronacid Dec 5 2007, 11:18 AM

You have nothing to worry about. If she's just a friend then you should be able to meet her no problem. I would hate it if my girlfriend says things like "No, I don't want you meeting my friends!". It would make me feel like she doesn't want me to be apart of her life. I have willingly introduced Holly to all of my friends (if we had the chance to do so). I love it. She's my pride and joy. I'm proud of her, why wouldn't I want to introduce her? ;]

Posted by: jeanna Dec 5 2007, 11:26 AM

why does she have to sleep over? does she live that far away?...

Posted by: Uronacid Dec 5 2007, 12:34 PM

It's not as big a deal as you're making it sound. *points the finger at Elba* Just ask if you can hang out with the two of them after you get out of work. It shouldn't be a big deal. If she's that significant of a person then you should be excited to meet her, not worried about it.

Tell your boyfriend what you wouldn't want to happen (her sleeping in the same bed, etc...). He should agree to it if it's not crossing the line, and it shouldn't be a problem.

She shouldn't' be concerned... nothing has happened yet.

Posted by: synkro Dec 5 2007, 06:21 PM

the situation has just been handled the wrong way. he probably has no intention of cheating on you, and she probably is just a friend with no "benefits". here's my breakdown on it:

1. he did the right thing by telling you first. however, i've known a lot of guys who tell their girlfriends "everything", but the meer action of telling them is actually part of the plan to gain more trust. so just because he told you doesn't mean he doesn't have alterior motives. but it doesn't mean he does either.

2. he may innocently just not want you there for his friend's sake. sure, your presence might make her feel uncomfortable. however, he should have still offered you the invite to meet her. the fact that he didn't might be the one suspicious thing in his actions.

3. she has a boyfriend, and he has you. i'm pretty sure her boyfriend had a bunch of things to say about the situation, but they've worked it out (obviously, since he agreed to her sleeping over). however, you should also have a say in what's going on. if her sleeping over really bothers you that much, then you should be able to let your boyfriend know, and he should be able to compensate. regardless of how important this friend is, you should come first.

i know you trust him. just because you have insecurities doesn't mean you don't trust him. it's all right for girlfriends to feel uncomfortable in this situation. just let him know and talk it through.