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The one
olga63089
post Mar 3 2008, 08:44 AM
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Me and my current fiance have met in 9th grade when i was a freshmen and he wa sa grade above me. I just out of a relation ship ans we hit it off right away. He understood my beliefs and respected my wishes and really listened. I knew this guy is a keeper. Then i had to move which kind of put an end to things. Over the two years we kept in touch always maing plans to hang out spacially during summer, and then last year i moved back and desided to get a hold of him. Like i expected the feelings we had for each other were still there. We have been together now since aug. so it will be 7 month next week. There have been alot of ups and downs. The person i thought i knew 2 years ago was not the same and he got him self into bad association and did alot of drugs and sold weed. He kept all of that form me untill i got a call from a friend saying that he cheated on me while he was doing multiple amounts of drugs and alcohol. Since then i can truthfully say he has been clean and has no contact with his former life style. He sliped twice .We worked past it but i still feel like i cant always trust him. When he is out i worry about what he is doing and if he is telling the truth. I try to control my feelings but sometimes i cant help it. I know that gets him frustrated that i cant fully put the past behind us. On Jan.16 he proposed to me and i said yes, it was the happiest moment of my life . Then it seems like everything went down hill. My parents who are very religiouse ( jehovas witnesses) found out that we have been sexually active which is un exeptable before marrige. We are currently not allowed to see each other outside my house , which doesnt mean we havnt been. My parents have been preshuring me and him to get married sooner and harrassing him which is making him think if maybe we should wait longer then this summer. Suddenly he is saying he is young and never thought he would get married till he is 30. His parents got married young and had 2 kids before they did and now they are divorced so he was always brought up being told not to get married young. I feel hurt and lied to. I know i love him more then anything and i dont know why age matters if two people really love each other there will be no if its or buts. I dont know how to handdle this situation its too much all at once and my parents are not being much help. Its coming down to me not being able to eat home and pay for my own food. I could move out with my fiance but im afraid it would make things worse with my family and i wont be able to rely on them again. Also im afraid that my fiance will never make up his mind if i live with him without getting married, so he doesnt have to fully commit.
Please help!
 
JokeInsideJoke
post Mar 3 2008, 09:32 AM
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wow..... i think you should sit down with your parents and fiance and have a talk.
 
weed
post Mar 3 2008, 09:35 AM
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wow. Jehovah's witnesses huh?
well i was in a similar situation, except my boyfriend never cheated on me. we've been together for about three years. His mom is a psycho Cristian that thinks everyone should live with their heads buried in the bible or at church, i'm not a Cristian and we automatically had problems, i think that when you marry someone you have to really be at peace with their family because you marry the family not the person AND the person wink.gif.

You need to make clear to him what is important to you and as much as it may hurt if you feel that in the future he wont be supportive of you and your family let it go. I know some very devout Jehovah's Witnesses and let me tell you its a tough religion to live by specially when your young. No partying (at all. point blank) no Christmas, no Prom nothing "Mundane".

so in the end if you feel its important you get married before you live with him tell him and state your reasons and opinions if he has any objections hear him out, and in the end if you don't agree then its better to just keep things the way they are now or let it go because this just obviously wont work. ermm.gif
 
S-Majere
post Mar 3 2008, 11:25 AM
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I did write a long winding account of your options, but realised I could condense it down to: Would you really want to place all your bets on a guy that has doubts that you are the One for him? His lack of commitment to you, particularly as your parents are being rather unrelenting toward you both, is worrying.
 
olga63089
post Mar 3 2008, 12:44 PM
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Its so confusing because i cant figure out what he really wants and i dont think he can either. I got so fed up yesturday that i told him you can take your ring and walk out and never come back in my life again. He couldnt do it he got more upset then me and teared up and told me he could never let me go just like that. I feel like im giving up my family and he is sitting back and watching me sink while he cant make up his mind
 
weed
post Mar 3 2008, 12:48 PM
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do you really want to get married?

how old are you?

-This kinda shit usually only happens to cuban people. stubborn.gif
 
S-Majere
post Mar 3 2008, 01:17 PM
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QUOTE(olga63089 @ Mar 3 2008, 12:44 PM) *
Its so confusing because i cant figure out what he really wants and i dont think he can either. I got so fed up yesturday that i told him you can take your ring and walk out and never come back in my life again. He couldnt do it he got more upset then me and teared up and told me he could never let me go just like that. I feel like im giving up my family and he is sitting back and watching me sink while he cant make up his mind


That's exactly what he is doing. You need to make your mind up; and pay no heed to his waterworks. If he truly wants to be with you, he'd not stand around contemplating whilst you struggle with your parents.
 
olga63089
post Mar 4 2008, 09:11 AM
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Im turning 19 in june and he is 19 right now, and yes i really do want to get married because honestly i cant picture being with anyone else and i wouldnt want to.
 
JokeInsideJoke
post Mar 4 2008, 10:11 AM
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^^ Then its true love .... wub.gif and in the end love always concors....well at least in books they do
 
misoshiru
post Mar 6 2008, 09:44 PM
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fail.



It may be love now, but 50 years down the road who knows? And personally I feel that marrying at 19 is a bit young. Sure you may say all that crap about not being able to live without him or whatever now, it's different when you're married.
 
transcendentalis...
post Mar 6 2008, 09:48 PM
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QUOTE(ProudLeechLover @ Mar 4 2008, 11:11 AM) *
^^ Then its true love .... wub.gif and in the end love always concors....well at least in books they do


no.
and *conquers

don't be so silly. this is someone's actual, real life.
 
DeadlyKitten
post Mar 7 2008, 01:48 PM
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ive been in a relationship for almost 2 years...5 months in i told him i could see myself marrien him. since then everything went down hill. he started lying, started talking to a girl he obviously liked but denyed it, he was driffting away from me. i almost broke up with him twice since the lies and everything else. i'm still workig on trusting him again and he knows that. we had a talk a few months back about everythng and found out he's scared to go further with me cause he knows if it does end it will hurt us both. i told him that his sister got married although nothing is guarentied in life and just becuase theres a chance they may break up and get divorced that didnt keep her from saying yes to the man she loves. the past few months hav been getting better. he's more open with me, he's more happy, and he's almost the way he was when we first met.



so my advice to you is find out why he's scared and why you can TRULLY say you want to marrie him now. is it becuase he makes you feel secure, because he's a friend, and is it because your to scared to find someone else and get let down again. Alot of women make the mistake of getting married because there scared to get hurt by another guy or out of security. i'm sure you do love him but try writing down your reasons why and have him do the same. you guys might not even know each other anymore. and i know how scar that could be but it might be true. NEVER marrie someone you don't know. you'll hurt both you and him.
 
LoveToMySilas
post Mar 7 2008, 07:30 PM
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That's what she said.
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Maybe you guys are rushing into things too soon. I mean, personally, I think 19 is a little young but hey, there are people who marry even younger. But it seems like he doesn't know what he wants. I think you guys need to sit down and have a nice conversation. Communication is key. Maybe you shouldn't make any plans just yet.
 
olga63089
post Mar 12 2008, 07:30 AM
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Thank you guys for all your help but in the end its my choice and i did sit down and have a talk with him and lately everything has been great. We really do love each other and just because we might get cold feet month before its supposed to happen does not mean its not ment to be its normal for everyone.
 
Just_Dream
post Mar 12 2008, 07:49 AM
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QUOTE(olga63089 @ Mar 12 2008, 05:30 AM) *
Thank you guys for all your help but in the end its my choice and i did sit down and have a talk with him and lately everything has been great. We really do love each other and just because we might get cold feet month before its supposed to happen does not mean its not meant to be its normal for everyone.

Yes of course it's your choice, but you seemed to be in a panic, asking people ON THE INTERWEBZ about what to do. It seems like you're doubting our advice (even though you said thank you). I just sense a hint of annoyance in your tone, that's all. Well, different people have different perspectives on how "love" and "marriage" is "meant to be" and what levels of it are deemed "normal."

You seemed really unsure of yourself in your original post, and mainly from the support/pressure from your family. It's a tough decision to get married and actually follow through with it, especially if you're still young. Yes you are still young. That does not mean that you cannot get married -- you can -- but it's still a tough decision, nonetheless.
QUOTE
Its coming down to me not being able to eat home and pay for my own food. I could move out with my fiance but im afraid it would make things worse with my family and i wont be able to rely on them again

First off you need to be independent. If you get married, do you expect your parents to still support you financially? At your age, if you can make your own decisions, you shouldn't be reliant on your family's support. And if your fiance is independent as well -- good for him. It's completely fine to keep in touch with your parents but don't rely on them to support you each step of the way if you want to run off and get married, especially in the state your parents are in.

You stated that you "did sit down and have a talk with him and lately everything has been great." That's great and all, but what about discussing this with your parents? How has that been going? Like I said, you should at least keep in touch with your parents. At least with their approval, if something goes wrong, you'll still have a bed to sleep in, especially since you're not independent. Plus hostility in the family is never really a good sign.

Do I have any right to pass judgment on you? Maybe. I've been dating my boyfriend since freshman year and I honestly LOVE HIM TO DEATH currently and I feel like he's "the one", but I know deep down there is some doubt that things could change, beyond my control. I can't stop time or prevent things from happening, so I can only hang on what I have in the present time. I don't plan to get married until either of us are financially stable and get approval from both sides of the family. He has never cheated on me and he has only done one extreme thing, but even then it's not as critical as what you've been through. But I can honest-to-buddha say that he is a keeper and I will still fight to keep what I have, with whatever I can. I don't give him the option of slipping because we trust each other enough and UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER enough to not slip up.


Anyway, if you do go through with this marriage, I wish you the best. You don't have to take my word for anything, but I know people who have struggled through marriage(s) and I definitely will follow my own advice because I don't want any bad shit to happen to my relationship.
 
olga63089
post Mar 12 2008, 12:00 PM
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I did talk to my parents about everything and they WANT me to get married they have NO PROBLEM with that that was not the issue. The issue was me not being able to hav emuch freedom because of what me and my fiance have been doing like being ''active''. Things at home worked out and i dont think things have been better. I think no matter how old you are you will always need your parents help not exactly financial but you always NEED them beacuse they are your pareants and i dont think its right to go against what they say no matter how old you are.
 
TheWinterBones
post Mar 16 2008, 08:16 AM
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no comment.
 
MeanBastard
post Mar 16 2008, 12:24 PM
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You guys are dumb.
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QUOTE(TheWinterBones @ Mar 16 2008, 08:16 AM) *
no comment.

I want post +1 too
 
DeviantShadows
post Mar 17 2008, 01:14 AM
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My grandmother got married at 19 and she has been married to my grandfather for nearly 60 years. Age does not matter. But when you really think about it, do you really want to be married at 19? I'm 19 aswell and I couldn't imagine getting married until atleast 26. Because, well, I'd like to be old enough to legally drink at my reception. But that's just me.

QUOTE(olga63089 @ Mar 3 2008, 09:44 AM) *
Since then i can truthfully say he has been clean and has no contact with his former life style. He sliped twice .We worked past it but i still feel like i cant always trust him. When he is out i worry about what he is doing and if he is telling the truth. I try to control my feelings but sometimes i cant help it. I know that gets him frustrated that i cant fully put the past behind us.

If you can't trust him, you certainly shouldn't be marrying him. Personally, if my boyfriend ever cheated on me or lied about something big like drugs or alcohol, I'd dump his ass in a heartbeat. And he knows it too.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you.
 

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